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‘Tomatoes’ Quotes

New Girl: Tomatoes

122. Tomatoes

Aired April 17, 2012

Jess fills in an awkward silence by inviting Russell's ex-wife to join them for dinner. Nick decides to swear off women and start growing tomatoes. Meanwhile, Cece breaks things off with Schmidt following the pregnancy scare.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Are you serious? How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
Cece: I am so, so sorry. Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... What happened?
Schmidt: [clears throat] Yeah, um... this is embarrassing. I broke my penis.
Cece: You what?
Schmidt: I broke my penis. Things got... I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night. And there was like this one moment where it was just blinding pain. And then there was another moment where I was like watching myself watch myself... I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. And I can't be certain of this, but I'm almost positive that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.

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Quote from Jess

Nick: This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning.
Jess: He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. He is turning over a new leaf. He is...
Nick: Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now.
Jess: Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
Nick: Okay, but you did it again.
Jess: It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
Nick: Okay, but stop. I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing that there's a possibility of happiness.
Jess: He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight.
Nick: Go.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. Don't touch me, don't touch me.
Cece: Okay. I...
Schmidt: You gotta get out of here.
Cece: All right.
Schmidt: I mean, I'd-I'd like... don't bend over! For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
Cece: I'm sorry for this, but I... I like you.
Schmidt: And I like you, too, so much. Call a nurse, call a male nurse. Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice.
Cece: Bye.
Schmidt: Describe it to them as like a... as a battered highway cone.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia. I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, and I closed myself up again. The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi...
Cece: Off topic.
Jess: Off-putting.
Nick: Okay. I agree. So I've decided... to give up on women, and put all that energy into... tomatoes!
Winston: You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid.
Schmidt: Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something.
Nick: Guys, I have a whole speech!

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight.
Schmidt: I bet.
Cece: Make sure, uh, you use protection.
Schmidt: She's a foreigner, Cece. What, do I look like an idiot?
Cece: Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right?
Schmidt: What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 'Cause the "clawses" are coming out. The-the "claws" are coming out? You know... You're being catty, Cece.

Quote from Jess

Ouli: Car gets stuck in the mud, and no, you could not move it.
Russell: Oh, here it is.
Ouli: Because, God forbid, you break a nail!
Russell: I got one manicure, one time! I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this!
Jess: [sings] Ouli's all right, Russell's all right They just seem a little weird Surrender, surrender...

Quote from Nick

Nick: No! No! Get out of here, birds! Please get out of here, you sky rats! Go back to Hell, where you belong! Leave me and my plants alone! I need this!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay, why are you giving up? If something doesn't work out, what do you do? You make an adjustment, you give it one more shot. I mean, that's what I did with...
Nick: Okay, just say it.
Winston: ...My beautiful Shelby.
Nick: Shelby. See, why did you say, "my beautiful Shelby"? It's so weird.
Winston: Look, man, I just called her out of the blue, okay? And then... I was a different person, and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another.
Nick: Sandwiches and sex? I want that.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So how long you gotta ice that thing?
Schmidt: Eight weeks. I mean, if I have any excitement it's excruciating pain.
Winston: Boobies.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Boobies.
Schmidt: I love boobies...
Winston: Girls with clean hair.
Schmidt: Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played.
Winston: Models eating sliders. [Schmidt groans] Bernadette Peters on a high beam. [Schmidt wails] Freshly baked bread.
Schmidt: Oh God.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so...
Winston: No, you have no idea.
Nick: No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time.
Schmidt: I think we all have a pretty good idea.
Cece: Pretty clear idea.
Nick: Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. You almost made a person. Think about that! Jess... you're dating the man that I could see myself growing old with. Russell, you got a great-looking face. Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. Don't let that one slip away.
Russell: It's getting a little weird, Nick.
Nick: So, without further ado... Water, the source of life. [drops watering can into the tomatoes] Whoa! [everyone groaning, grumbling] It's okay, I got two of them. You know what? Go downstairs, if you want! I don't care! I got the tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! Freeze frame! When I'm up in the air and the legs are there.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Everything's fine. I know it's gonna be tense at first, 'cause Ouli's no Russell's favorite person, but I grew up with divorced parents, and I'm really good at navigating these situations.
[flashback:]
Man: What did I do?
Woman: Nothing!
Young Jess: [sings] Mommy's all right Daddy's all right They just seem a little weird Surrender, surrender...
[present:]
Schmidt: Don't tap-dance at dinner.
Jess: Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner?
Nick: Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess.

Quote from Nick

Winston: What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz?
Nick: I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man.
Winston: Apology accepted.
Nick: It's just... we used to be miserable together, man.
Winston: We did have some pretty bad times together.
Nick: Had the worst.
Winston: Hey, remember that time we pooled our money and bought that online dating profile together?
Nick: Yes. The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. Zero dates.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here.
Schmidt: How are you upset right now? Cece, you ended this. I don't know what you want from me!
Cece: I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. Because I like you. I can't just always say what I feel, okay? It's just... Just, whatever, Schmidt.
Schmidt: You like me. You like my personality?
Cece: I was surprised, too.


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