Nick: Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, get her engine revved up.
Schmidt: Your phone has a camera, Nick.
Nick: These are sexy, sensual, private pics. I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. It's the only thing you can trust.
Winston: You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
Nick: No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
Winston: Right.
Nick: The hinges that hold the flip together, they get loosened over time when... when they get wet. And then once you open it, it's easier for people to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. And it's all out there for everyone to see, all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. That's all they do. [sputters] Get your information, man. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. Plain and simple.

Schmidt: That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get the get the promotion. My career is toast. Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
Cece: There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. Okay? It's too busy.
Cece: Somewhat made se- Oh, forget it.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess.
Winston: Hell, no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Right. Let us stop Ed. The minnow needs to get up off of... No, off of the toast mat and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.

Schmidt: This is a big part of the biz, my man. Networking, face time, making deals. Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.
Ed: "Potata"? Yeah, I can split a baked "potata".
Schmidt: What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?
Ed: Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.

Schmidt: Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. While I know...
Ed: Micro-marketing.
Schmidt: What?
Ed: Has this company ever considered targeting its message to individual consumers? Big data's knocking. [knocks on table] Let's open the door. Just a thought.
Kim: Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Ed: I may be dirty, but I play old.
Schmidt: You said that wrong.
Ed: And yet I got my paw wrapped around your "avacadas".
Schmidt: What is with you and "avacadas"?

Kim: I have a task for you. We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around. Wait. Who's this?
Winston: Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.
Kim: Called my bluff. Don't care. Ed? Come meet Schmidt.
Ed: Okeydokey.
Schmidt: That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon?

Winston: You think I'd be good at advertising? I mean, that's what you do, right?
Schmidt: Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer. A fat moron falling down the stairs. A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles.
Winston: The rapping grandpa kills me, though. [Nick laughs]
Schmidt: I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
Winston: I could be good at that.
Schmidt: Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out.

Jess: Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?
Nick: Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. It's the city that I'm from. It's most of my relationship with my dad. R.I.P., by the way. Michael Jordan. The first man that taught me that I could love a man. And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet... The McCalls and the Sh Hacksperes. You're my girlfriend now, so you got to be a Bulls fan.

Schmidt: It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache.
Winston: It's a hell of a mustache.
Schmidt: What does that mean? That was from a movie.
Winston: Training Day's my favorite movie.
Schmidt: I understand that, but you understand that's not what being a cop is.
Winston: I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me?
Schmidt: If you think this means you can start yelling at me...
Winston: You damn right, sucker! That's what that means. Oh, I apologize about that.

Jess: That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in.
Nick: Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: You refer to it as "basketsball."
Jess: Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick. There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher.

Schmidt: If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat, I can't just embrace modernization. I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean? It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing. Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer.
Ed: What a good idea. They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town.
Schmidt: That's right. In the Jewish part of town.