Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Basketsball’ Quotes

New Girl: Basketsball

312. Basketsball

Aired January 14, 2014

Jess pretends to like basketball in an effort to befriend Coach. Schmidt has to show a sixty-something intern, Ed (Bob Gunton), the ropes at work. Meanwhile, Winston continues the career search.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, get her engine revved up.
Schmidt: Your phone has a camera, Nick.
Nick: These are sexy, sensual, private pics. I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. It's the only thing you can trust.
Winston: You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
Nick: No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
Winston: Right.
Nick: The hinges that hold the flip together, they get loosened over time when... when they get wet. And then once you open it, it's easier for people to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. And it's all out there for everyone to see, all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. That's all they do. [sputters] Get your information, man. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. Plain and simple.

Rate

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get the get the promotion. My career is toast. Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
Cece: There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. Okay? It's too busy.
Cece: Somewhat made se- Oh, forget it.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess.
Winston: Hell, no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Right. Let us stop Ed. The minnow needs to get up off of... No, off of the toast mat and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is a big part of the biz, my man. Networking, face time, making deals. Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.
Ed: "Potata"? Yeah, I can split a baked "potata".
Schmidt: What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?
Ed: Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. While I know...
Ed: Micro-marketing.
Schmidt: What?
Ed: Has this company ever considered targeting its message to individual consumers? Big data's knocking. [knocks on table] Let's open the door. Just a thought.
Kim: Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Ed: I may be dirty, but I play old.
Schmidt: You said that wrong.
Ed: And yet I got my paw wrapped around your "avacadas".
Schmidt: What is with you and "avacadas"?

Quote from Schmidt

Kim: I have a task for you. We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around. Wait. Who's this?
Winston: Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.
Kim: Called my bluff. Don't care. Ed? Come meet Schmidt.
Ed: Okeydokey.
Schmidt: That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon?

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: You think I'd be good at advertising? I mean, that's what you do, right?
Schmidt: Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer. A fat moron falling down the stairs. A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles.
Winston: The rapping grandpa kills me, though. [Nick laughs]
Schmidt: I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
Winston: I could be good at that.
Schmidt: Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?
Nick: Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. It's the city that I'm from. It's most of my relationship with my dad. R.I.P., by the way. Michael Jordan. The first man that taught me that I could love a man. And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet... The McCalls and the Sh Hacksperes. You're my girlfriend now, so you got to be a Bulls fan.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache.
Winston: It's a hell of a mustache.
Schmidt: What does that mean? That was from a movie.
Winston: Training Day's my favorite movie.
Schmidt: I understand that, but you understand that's not what being a cop is.
Winston: I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me?
Schmidt: If you think this means you can start yelling at me...
Winston: You damn right, sucker! That's what that means. Oh, I apologize about that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in.
Nick: Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: You refer to it as "basketsball."
Jess: Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick. There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat, I can't just embrace modernization. I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean? It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing. Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer.
Ed: What a good idea. They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town.
Schmidt: That's right. In the Jewish part of town.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You're feeling excited?
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Worked up?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Ready to cave?
Nick: Oh, I've never been stronger.
Jess: Oh, yeah? So if I just read you a description of, like, what a Piston does, you know, on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all? Is that what you're saying? It's just a rod that transfers, uh, force from the crank shaft...
Nick: What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission. Drug store, right, Coach?
Coach: Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?
Jess: Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff.
Coach: Thanks.
Jess: So, same time next week, right? Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store? Team drug store? [Coach goes to his room] Ugh! God! What a walnut! It's been two months we've been living with him, and I have yet to crack him. It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection. And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not. We ran into one of his friends, and Coach said the meanest thing about me.
[flashback to Jess in the street wearing thick, dark glasses]
Jess: Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma?
Coach: [to his friend] She's my buddy's girlfriend.

Quote from Jess

Nick: You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal?
Jess: I want him to think of me as his friend.
Nick: Oh, I hear that.
Schmidt: Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.
Jess: I need to find a way in. I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it. Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas.
Winston: [laughs] I like the butt flap.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You really think mine was food? I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
Schmidt: In that order?
Nick: Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."
Schmidt: Yeah, but that's the correct-
Nick: That's the order, yeah.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Basketball's just the first step. We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs. Before you know it, we'll be digging into each other's pasts.
Nick: That's not how it works, though.
Jess: Childhoods, Nick. That's the friendship money shot.
Nick: Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff.
Jess: No.
Nick: It's a real thing. And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: And there's no layers to it. If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win, that's not like I'm overcoming it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
Jess: Right. I don't understand, no.
Nick: It's rivalries.
Jess: Sharks and cats.
Nick: Yankees, Red Sox.
Jess: Whales and dolphins.
Nick: Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.
Jess: I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
Nick: Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: So, where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere. Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do, 'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay. I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best.
Ed: Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. I got a prostate the size of an "avacada".
Winston: "Closest to the can."
Schmidt: Do not write that down, Winston!
Winston: Is it not closest to the can?

Quote from Coach

Jess: Hey, so I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game. Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs.
Coach: Wait. You like the Pistons?
Jess: Oh, yeah. Just like you.
Coach: [at the TV] Are you serious?!
Jess: Yeah, I'm dead serious.
Coach: Aw!
Jess: So, you in?
Coach: Be cool to watch it on a big TV.
Jess: I found your olives.
Coach: Oh, you did?
Jess: Thought they were gonna be in a jar.
Coach: No.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You know, Cece, I can't help but think that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing. All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt.
Cece: What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"? "Smells too clean"?
Winston: Those were just notes about Ed. I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Hey. So, went really well today. I think Coach and I are really connecting.
Nick: Come on, what is that?
Jess: What do you mean? What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. How cute is this shirt?
Nick: Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed.
Jess: Why? Because of the shirt?
Nick: 100% because of the shirt.
Jess: Oh, my God, you're serious.
Nick: I can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt.
Jess: Oh, my God!
Nick: I need you to get out of the bed. Jess, I need you to get out of there. I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Can we just have sex now, please?
Nick: I'm sorry. You can't be a Pistons fan. I forbid it. It has to be this way.
Jess: You can't forbid me to do stuff. That's just not you- That's not within your power.
Nick: I just did.
Jess: The shirt stays!
Nick: Jessica, you're leaving me no options here. I'm gonna have to turn off the tap.
Jess: What tap?
Nick: The sex tap.
Jess: But I need my vitamin D.
Nick: As long as you're wearing that shirt, the tap is off. No more hot water.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh. What happened to your Pistons jersey? Did you rip it off and rush in here 'cause she got to have it?
Jess: Look, is this still a thing?
Nick: Oh, it's still a thing. No sex for you as long as you're a Pistons fan.
Jess: You can't use sex to manipulate- What are you doing?
Nick: Oh. Just brushing my dirty teeth. They're filthy.
Jess: Nick, do not challenge me to a sex standoff. I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting. How do you think I made it through high school?
Nick: It's good when you go fast and then slow. Make the teeth wait for it.
Jess: You're on.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I can't figure out my counterstrike, Winston. The only thing we know about Ed is that he's old and cranky, and he baffles me because I'm so darn young and pleasant.
Winston: We just got to get inside into his old, cranky mind. We have to find an older, crankier mind.
Schmidt: How are we gonna find an older, crankier mind than Ed?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be taking boudoir shots, please consult me.
Nick: I know.
Schmidt: I have a series of poses that many people, including myself, find very sexy.
Nick: All right.
Schmidt: Okay, here's one that I call the half Nelson.
Nick: Yeah, I didn't do that.
Schmidt: This is called a Guy Fieri.
Nick: Just taste the sauces.
Schmidt: Yeah. Black licorice.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: You're welcome.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Schmidt's dead wrong.
Winston: Oh, yeah?
Nick: I got some real hot pics in here.
Winston: I don't care.
Nick: There's one of me as a sexy mayor, looking out the window, deciding the future of my city. It's got to get her going. Daddy needs his cookie.
Winston: Dude, just wear the damn Pistons jersey.
Nick: Oh, my God, I've got to end this.

Quote from Schmidt

Ed: Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks. I hope someone's taking you out for oysters Rockefeller tonight. Now, before I begin, my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference.
Schmidt: Uh, you know what, Ed? I'm really sorry. Company printers are on the fritz, so little helper that I am, I decided to load everything up onto the laptop. There you go. [Ed is startled as he sees the presentation on the screen behind him]
Ed: [chuckles] Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works. I'll just wait for the hard copies.
Schmidt: [whispers] I broke all the printers.
Ed: I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock.
Schmidt: Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we? Be a little silly to talk about technology without using technology. Am I right, Kim?
Kim: Use the technology, Ed.
Ed: [clears throat] Hup-I-dip-I-dip... Oh... [grunts] My left arm. My neck. [gasps] You got me this time, Hebrew. But I'll be back.
Kim: This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies.

Quote from Nick

Nick: This is how you get in with Jess. You know when you're driving in your car and you have a random thought, like "I wonder if seals are friends."
Coach: Yeah, or like "I really want to text right now, but there's a cop behind me."
Nick: That's not the one I mean.
Coach: "Why do T-Rex have little arms?"
Nick: Don't finish. Don't f- I know you, don't-
Coach: "If they get an itch in their crotch, how do they scratch it?"
Nick: I mean more like sweet, kind of emotional stuff. Like, if you combed, you know, like, a gorilla's hair, would it like it?
Coach: Like I've never seen a baby pigeon before.
Nick: Exactly! Tell that to her and you get a friend for life. Now, excuse me. Sex awaits.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: To Winston.
Winston: Hear, hear.
Schmidt: As a thank-you, I'd like I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat. I'll make you a real Ass man.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I don't know, man. I kind of liked the part where we just get to analyze evidence, you know. Connect the dots a little bit, yeah. Live inside of someone else's mind.
Schmidt: Spoken like a true marketing analyst.
Winston: I don't know. You know, I kind of want to be free of a desk as well. Roam the streets a little bit. Just sniff out clues. Let me ask you something. You guys get donuts in the morning?
Cece: You ever thought of being a cop? Winston, I think you'd be great.
Schmidt: I can see it.
Winston: You know, it's funny. I was thinking the exact same thing.
Schmidt: You've already got high cholesterol and weird people skills. "Officer Bishop."
Winston: I like the way that sounds.

Quote from Coach

Coach: [knocks] Jess? Jessica Day-hey-ey. I just want to say that, um, I would love to be your friend. Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons, but it's just because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid.
Jess: Yes.
Coach: I lived in, like, six different states by the time I was ten. At a certain point, I just... Stopped trying to make friends. [Jess opens the door] Got real comfy on that.
Jess: Really?
Coach: Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend.
Jess: Well, I'm not gonna be saying good-bye to you anytime soon. Except for right now. [closes door]
Coach: You want to do a butt bump? Butt... Ah, you're probably doing your own butt bumps. Cool. I know you guys are already done.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Look, Nick, I need help. Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him? What does he like? What does he dislike?
Nick: Well, Coach 101 is, he's watching basketball. And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons. I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan. Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau. What you gonna do now? And he knows that.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode