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‘Basketsball’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Basketsball

312. Basketsball

Aired January 14, 2014

Jess pretends to like basketball in an effort to befriend Coach. Schmidt has to show a sixty-something intern, Ed (Bob Gunton), the ropes at work. Meanwhile, Winston continues the career search.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, get her engine revved up.
Schmidt: Your phone has a camera, Nick.
Nick: These are sexy, sensual, private pics. I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. It's the only thing you can trust.
Winston: You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
Nick: No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
Winston: Right.
Nick: The hinges that hold the flip together, they get loosened over time when... when they get wet. And then once you open it, it's easier for people to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. And it's all out there for everyone to see, all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. That's all they do. [sputters] Get your information, man. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. Plain and simple.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get the get the promotion. My career is toast. Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
Cece: There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. Okay? It's too busy.
Cece: Somewhat made se- Oh, forget it.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess.
Winston: Hell, no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Right. Let us stop Ed. The minnow needs to get up off of... No, off of the toast mat and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is a big part of the biz, my man. Networking, face time, making deals. Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato.
Ed: "Potata"? Yeah, I can split a baked "potata".
Schmidt: What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you?
Ed: Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. While I know...
Ed: Micro-marketing.
Schmidt: What?
Ed: Has this company ever considered targeting its message to individual consumers? Big data's knocking. [knocks on table] Let's open the door. Just a thought.
Kim: Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Ed: I may be dirty, but I play old.
Schmidt: You said that wrong.
Ed: And yet I got my paw wrapped around your "avacadas".
Schmidt: What is with you and "avacadas"?

Quote from Schmidt

Kim: I have a task for you. We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around. Wait. Who's this?
Winston: Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt.
Kim: Called my bluff. Don't care. Ed? Come meet Schmidt.
Ed: Okeydokey.
Schmidt: That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon?

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: You think I'd be good at advertising? I mean, that's what you do, right?
Schmidt: Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer. A fat moron falling down the stairs. A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles.
Winston: The rapping grandpa kills me, though. [Nick laughs]
Schmidt: I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. Without it, you'd be dead in two days.
Winston: I could be good at that.
Schmidt: Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally?
Nick: Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. It's the city that I'm from. It's most of my relationship with my dad. R.I.P., by the way. Michael Jordan. The first man that taught me that I could love a man. And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet... The McCalls and the Sh Hacksperes. You're my girlfriend now, so you got to be a Bulls fan.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache.
Winston: It's a hell of a mustache.
Schmidt: What does that mean? That was from a movie.
Winston: Training Day's my favorite movie.
Schmidt: I understand that, but you understand that's not what being a cop is.
Winston: I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me?
Schmidt: If you think this means you can start yelling at me...
Winston: You damn right, sucker! That's what that means. Oh, I apologize about that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in.
Nick: Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: You refer to it as "basketsball."
Jess: Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick. There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat, I can't just embrace modernization. I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean? It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing. Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer.
Ed: What a good idea. They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town.
Schmidt: That's right. In the Jewish part of town.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You're feeling excited?
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Worked up?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Ready to cave?
Nick: Oh, I've never been stronger.
Jess: Oh, yeah? So if I just read you a description of, like, what a Piston does, you know, on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all? Is that what you're saying? It's just a rod that transfers, uh, force from the crank shaft...
Nick: What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission. Drug store, right, Coach?
Coach: Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag?
Jess: Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff.
Coach: Thanks.
Jess: So, same time next week, right? Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store? Team drug store? [Coach goes to his room] Ugh! God! What a walnut! It's been two months we've been living with him, and I have yet to crack him. It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection. And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not. We ran into one of his friends, and Coach said the meanest thing about me.
[flashback to Jess in the street wearing thick, dark glasses]
Jess: Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma?
Coach: [to his friend] She's my buddy's girlfriend.

Quote from Jess

Nick: You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal?
Jess: I want him to think of me as his friend.
Nick: Oh, I hear that.
Schmidt: Well, it'll happen if it's meant to.
Jess: I need to find a way in. I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it. Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas.
Winston: [laughs] I like the butt flap.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You really think mine was food? I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
Schmidt: In that order?
Nick: Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."
Schmidt: Yeah, but that's the correct-
Nick: That's the order, yeah.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Basketball's just the first step. We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs. Before you know it, we'll be digging into each other's pasts.
Nick: That's not how it works, though.
Jess: Childhoods, Nick. That's the friendship money shot.
Nick: Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff.
Jess: No.
Nick: It's a real thing. And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning.
Jess: Come on.
Nick: And there's no layers to it. If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win, that's not like I'm overcoming it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
Jess: Right. I don't understand, no.
Nick: It's rivalries.
Jess: Sharks and cats.
Nick: Yankees, Red Sox.
Jess: Whales and dolphins.
Nick: Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.
Jess: I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
Nick: Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: So, where do you do the marketing?
Schmidt: Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere. Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do, 'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay. I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best.
Ed: Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. I got a prostate the size of an "avacada".
Winston: "Closest to the can."
Schmidt: Do not write that down, Winston!
Winston: Is it not closest to the can?

Quote from Coach

Jess: Hey, so I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game. Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs.
Coach: Wait. You like the Pistons?
Jess: Oh, yeah. Just like you.
Coach: [at the TV] Are you serious?!
Jess: Yeah, I'm dead serious.
Coach: Aw!
Jess: So, you in?
Coach: Be cool to watch it on a big TV.
Jess: I found your olives.
Coach: Oh, you did?
Jess: Thought they were gonna be in a jar.
Coach: No.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You know, Cece, I can't help but think that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing. All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt.
Cece: What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"? "Smells too clean"?
Winston: Those were just notes about Ed. I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing.

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