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‘Spiderhunt’ Quotes

New Girl: Spiderhunt

417. Spiderhunt

Aired February 24, 2015

Schmidt's arachnophobia sends the group on a spiderhunt of the loft. Meanwhile, Winston tries to keep Cece's secret from Jess, Coach works on his email to May, and Nick prepares his infamous sauce.

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: Wait a minute, is your e-mail address [email protected]?
Winston: Still?
Coach: Yeah, man. Picked it in college. It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP. We've been everywhere together, brotha. Never done .org or a .gov. I would never do that.
Winston: Right.
Coach: But every other damn domain.
Schmidt: You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie. Although, you did got a job at a school, so what do I know?

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Where is it? We've got to hunt it down. We got to have a spiderhunt.
Nick: We're not having one of those.
Coach: No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
Schmidt: Guys, they're all over me!
Jess: This is childish, and you need to get over it.
Schmidt: Jess, would you please? You know this fear comes from a very real place-- 1999. American Pie was sweeping the nation. And everybody was doing it with pies. I just happened to accidentally fall asleep right afterwards. And when I awoke, the dried apple filling was... it just had attracted so many spiders, and they were all over it, and I...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I can hear it. I can hear it building its house. Building its sticky, deadly house that you can never leave. Building it. With its ass.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone] Jess is starting to find your behavior... "suspicious." That's a police word.
Cece: It's not a police word, Winston. It's a very common word. And you know why I'm keeping my distance. I like Schmidt.
Winston: For the second time!
Cece: I know how many times.
Winston: Ah. Ah. If you could see my face right now, I'm smiling, and I'm saying, "Ah."
Cece: And if Jess finds out, she's gonna want to get involved, and I don't want her involved because there's nothing that she can do.
Winston: Look, if you act suspicious, then she's gonna be suspicious, all right? Look, don't slink your head in the dumps. You got to raise your hand with the sunshine wh-where people walk, you know? Because that's what
the whole point of the... when the... [stammers] if you can lead 'em to water, but you can't make a sound, right? Look, just call her.
Cece: Fine, okay, I'll call her. But... and listen to me, she cannot find out. Under no circumstance.
Winston: Okay, baby. Look, your secret is safe with me. That being said, I am not a smooth man.
Cece: Yeah, I get that.

Quote from Nick

Jess: But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable.
Nick: Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot. But if I'm being honest, you know-- and I haven't talked to her about this-- but... I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad.
Jess: Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.
Nick: That's really easy for you to say, 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.
Jess: I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.
Nick: Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.
Jess: [scoffs] Nick. I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.

Quote from Coach

Jess: Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?
Coach: Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
Nick: I don't know "everyone," Jess.
Coach: I might have dabbled.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Do you think a good subject line is "The Inside of You"?
Schmidt: Hey, you know, I bet I could spot this spider a lot better if I was on your shoulders.
Coach: Do not ask me again to get on my shoulders. That's a once-a-year thing, and you already used it on Halloween, when we were ten-foot-tall Ralph Macchio.
[flashback to them struggling to get into the elevator as a ten-foot-tall Karate Kid]
Schmidt: That was cool.
Coach: I didn't like that. I could feel your genitals on the back of my neck like an airplane pillow.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Fawn is coming over for a midnight fondue supper. There's no chocolate or cheese on this earth that makes a cube of bread pop like The Sauce.
Jess: Your girlfriend's coming over for the first time, and you asked Nick to cook?
Schmidt: True, normally food à la Nick would be less appealing to me than licking the floor of a beach bathroom. But I want Fawn to have the best, and The Sauce is the best.
Jess: Good for you-- when you said "Fawn" and then "fondue," I definitely thought you were headed in the direction of-- Step one: fondue. Step two: do Fawn.
Schmidt: That's not bad.
Coach: Yeah, and I was like, "Fondue is Fawn done." [snickers]
Schmidt: Th-These are all good.

Quote from Coach

Jess: Oh, Schmidt, you have something on your pants.
Schmidt: Ah! It's a spider! [shrieks]
Nick: Jess, why did you do that? You know how he gets-- he turns into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear who just saw a mouse.
Coach: Which is offensive in present day 'cause it seems like a gay stereotype they tried to sneak by us. [imitates elephant trumpeting with lisp] "Where's my balance ball? There's a mouse loose in the house."

Quote from Coach

Coach: So I'm finally e-mailing that girl, May.
Winston: Nice.
Coach: Here's what I got so far. "Dear May. Lay down on me."
Winston: Well, th-then what?
Nick: You met this woman weeks ago, I can't believe you haven't e-mailed her. Just text her.
Coach: If I had her number, I would text her. She gave me her e-mail. And now I have to write how I feel. Which is weird, it's like... I-I like her. Much.
Winston: You like her much?
Coach: All right. "Girl, it's warm today. Yesterday was warm, too. Yeah." Yeah, I'm gonna write, "Yeah."
Winston: You're happy about this?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Jess, please, hurry up, we're on a hunt! It could be right above our heads right now. Hanging from its butt-rope.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh, she's coming over?
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: Good, man.
Jess: Took a lot of cajoling.
Winston: That's cool.
Jess: Normally, it's like, she'll come over all the time.
Winston: But now it's diff... I don't know why that would be the case at all, but that's cool-- I respect the
decision for her to come over.
Jess: Why are you acting weird?
Winston: I'm acting weird?
Jess: Do you know something?
Winston: Do...? You... I'm not a smooth man.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Is she mad at someone?
Winston: Ah... no. No. No, she's not mad at anyone. It's the opposite. Mm.
Jess: It's the opposite?
Winston: That's not what I said.
Jess: You said, "No, no, she's not mad at anyone. It's the opposite."
Winston: I said, "Whoa, whoa. Cheese is bad e'ryone. Let's stop and spit."

Quote from Nick

Jess: We're breaking up into two-person teams. Cece. Each team has one Smusher and one Jar-Man.
Jess: Nick, I'm gonna make you a Smusher since you have to stir.
Nick: Hey, am I stirring right now? Or is my arm still and the world is stirring?

Quote from Winston

Jess: Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend and my best friend? [groans] I feel like Brenda when Kelly dated Dylan! Or the other way around.
Winston: Now, I know those are the characters from the original 90210. But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan-- was his nickname the Peach Pit? 'Cause I remember... I remember that being a whole thing.
Jess: I'm sorry, I'm a little wound up.
Winston: You should be wound up because the Peach Pit used to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice. Everybody trying to get a slice of that Peach Pit. You have every right to be mad, Jess, but just do it quietly. You know, just do it on the low, do it in here.

Quote from Cece

Nick: 30 seconds, and you haven't brought up the popcorn machine.
Cece: Yeah, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to drop it. You know, even Jess didn't want to hear about it, and she'll listen to Schmidt discussing Andy Cohen discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe.
Nick: Well, great, I'm glad that's behind us.
Cece: Yeah.
Nick: Now let's never speak of popcorn machines again.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess, you can't talk to Cece because Cece, you know, and Nick, they just won't work. 'Cause I was talking to Nick. He said, "Winston." I was like, "What's up, Nick?" He said...
Jess: What?
Winston: He said she ugly.
Jess: He said what?!
Winston: He said she look like a dang ol' meatball with hair.
Jess: New teams!

Quote from Nick

Nick: You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell.
Jess: The smell?
Nick: The smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.
Jess: You told Cece you think all women...
Nick: Don't make this a feminist thing...
Jess: It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
Nick: How? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge.
Jess: [gasps] I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you.
Nick: I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, what are these? I've always wondered.
Winston: Those are grapes.
Coach: Uh, they're our glass grapes, bro.
Schmidt: Grapes?
Coach: Brings the whole, like, room together.
Schmidt: What the hell they doing in the loft?
Coach: Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
Schmidt: You know, it's like I've never looked around this house before. Skimboards, a boxing glove. Who in this loft has been to a single Coachella, let alone six of them?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, it says here, we need "a murder of peppercorn," and a... and "some of that flat Jew bread"? Miller family!
Winston: Murder is over there.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Hey, it's gone.
Schmidt: Get him!
Winston: It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It can't hurt you. It can't hurt you.
Schmidt: Where is... where is the body?!
Nick: He was headed straight for The Sauce! Can you imagine how powerful that spider would've become had he entered my Sauce?


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