Schmidt: [to Jess] You bonded emotionally. If you end up having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
Cece: You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry.
Schmidt: I know what I'm talking about. I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers. You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T.
Cece: I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Schmidt: Of course you do ... you're a human being.

Woman: This sangria is amazing, Winston.
Winston: My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. But seriously, Tia, you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you.
Shelby: I keep trying to tell her that.
Tia: It's true.
Winston: You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom.

Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...
Cece: Is this a sewing kit?
Jess: Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [sings] Hello?
Cece: You don't have one-night stands, you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
Cece: Is this Schmidt's idea?
Jess: It's my idea. I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... is all about what Little Jess wants. Little Jess.
Cece: Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar, because I'm not leaving you alone like this... with all of that.
Jess: [spraying perfume towards her crotch] I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight.

Jess: Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver.
Schmidt: Great! I'm so happy. Hey, three words: Double bag it.
Jess: I got that covered. Um, these guys... Hundy bag, so...
Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What, are you gonna have sex with an army?
Jess: [sings] Oh, I'm gonna Get up in it, mon.
Schmidt: That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen, honestly. Does it have, like, a roller? Like, you know, you go through the airport with it?
Jess: I'm gonna rip him a new one.
Schmidt: Very intimidating. A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, depending on how much salmon he's had.

Schmidt: Why are you pausing?
Oliver: Bathroom break. [exits]
Schmidt: It's right in the middle of the movie. What are... What's wrong with him?
Jess: Why are you still here?
Schmidt: You don't have a car, he doesn't have a car. How you gonna get home?
Jess: I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
Schmidt: It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? There are youths everywhere.
Jess: Youths? Are you Officer Krupke?

Schmidt: Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: There's no thrill. You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else.

Winston: She just wanted a relaxed night in. It actually sounds kind of sexy. Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. Are you sure you're really ready for that?

Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken.
Cliff: Yeah.
Nick: And then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an alt-country-ska band.
Cliff: Sure.
Nick: Gambling a lot.
Cliff: Yeah.
Nick: There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff, as a person.

Jess: It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly?
Jess: Twirly.
Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world!

Nick: So, we're doing this... full-on Valentine's.
Julia: What'd you do last year?
Nick: I was fighting with Caroline.
Julia: What were you fighting about?
Nick: Oh, you know, the usual. About how I make too much money and I dress too fancy and I'm too good at communicating my feelings.
Julia: Right.