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‘Valentine's Day’ Quotes

New Girl: Valentine's Day

113. Valentine's Day

Aired February 14, 2012

Jess decides to go out on Valentine's Day for a one-night-stand and drags Schmidt along for support. Meanwhile, Nick is ready for a full-on Valentine's Day with Julia, while Winston has his first date with Shelby.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [to Jess] You bonded emotionally. If you end up having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
Cece: You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry.
Schmidt: I know what I'm talking about. I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers. You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T.
Cece: I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Schmidt: Of course you do ... you're a human being.

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Quote from Jess

Cece: What are you doing?
Jess: I'm packing an overnight bag in case I have one-night sex. I've got a T-shirt, socks...
Cece: Is this a sewing kit?
Jess: Yes, it's a sewing kit. Stain remover. [sings] Hello?
Cece: You don't have one-night stands, you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Oh, one shoe? I hate that.
Cece: Is this Schmidt's idea?
Jess: It's my idea. I want to try a one-night stand. Tonight... is all about what Little Jess wants. Little Jess.
Cece: Okay, all right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar, because I'm not leaving you alone like this... with all of that.
Jess: [spraying perfume towards her crotch] I'm sorry, I don't know who's smelling what tonight.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty. Hey, um, so, I'm gonna go home with Oliver.
Schmidt: Great! I'm so happy. Hey, three words: Double bag it.
Jess: I got that covered. Um, these guys... Hundy bag, so...
Schmidt: A hundred condoms? What, are you gonna have sex with an army?
Jess: [sings] Oh, I'm gonna Get up in it, mon.
Schmidt: That's the biggest box of condoms I've ever seen, honestly. Does it have, like, a roller? Like, you know, you go through the airport with it?
Jess: I'm gonna rip him a new one.
Schmidt: Very intimidating. A normal man can go maybe three times in a night, depending on how much salmon he's had.

Quote from Winston

Woman: This sangria is amazing, Winston.
Winston: My grandmother's recipe, so I can't take credit for that. But seriously, Tia, you don't want a man who has fancier underpants than you.
Shelby: I keep trying to tell her that.
Tia: It's true.
Winston: You want to have the fanciest drawers in the relationship. Boom.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Why are you pausing?
Oliver: Bathroom break. [exits]
Schmidt: It's right in the middle of the movie. What are... What's wrong with him?
Jess: Why are you still here?
Schmidt: You don't have a car, he doesn't have a car. How you gonna get home?
Jess: I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.
Schmidt: It's a horrible neighborhood, okay? There are youths everywhere.
Jess: Youths? Are you Officer Krupke?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look, Jess, truth is, I don't go out on Valentine's Day.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: There's no thrill. You know, all these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women. I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for everybody else.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: She just wanted a relaxed night in. It actually sounds kind of sexy. Dude, we're just trying to figure each other out, that's all.
Schmidt: You know where that puts you in six months? Yeah, watching It's Complicated on DVD while you cradle your newborn baby to sleep. And guess what? It's not complicated. It's about a bunch of rich white people who are remodeling their kitchen. Are you sure you're really ready for that?

Quote from Nick

Cliff: So how did you get that far into law school and then drop out?
Nick: Well, I got my heart broken.
Cliff: Yeah.
Nick: And then everything got weird. I started playing guitar in an alt-country-ska band.
Cliff: Sure.
Nick: Gambling a lot.
Cliff: Yeah.
Nick: There was a really weird week where I wore a long blonde wig and I made everybody call me Sandy Ferguson.
Cliff: I have never loved anyone that much.
Nick: Then I drove to Mexico, and I tried to enter a cockfight.
Cliff: As a person?
Nick: Yes, Cliff, as a person.

Quote from Jess

Jess: It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out. 'Cause I'm feeling pretty twirly.
Schmidt: Twirly?
Jess: Twirly.
Schmidt: Is that like horny?
Jess: I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty. Watch out, 'cause you're about to get laid... world!

Quote from Nick

Nick: So, we're doing this... full-on Valentine's.
Julia: What'd you do last year?
Nick: I was fighting with Caroline.
Julia: What were you fighting about?
Nick: Oh, you know, the usual. About how I make too much money and I dress too fancy and I'm too good at communicating my feelings.
Julia: Right.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: No. Bad idea. You can't go on a first date on Valentine's Day, Winston.
Winston: Dude, I'm telling you, it's not a first date, man. We used to hook up all the time. You know, for two years I had her number stored in my phone as "Shretty," 'cause I was too drunk to type "Shelby."

Quote from Jess

Jess: [choking]
Oliver: You okay, lady?
Jess: Hmm. Schwing!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys. Um... this is Oliver. Um, Oliver is a...
Oliver: Web creator.
Jess: Web creator. Uh, also, we both love...
Oliver: lunch.
Jess: Lunch. Love lunch.
Cece: You're kidding.
Schmidt: Wow, what a coincidence.
Oliver: When people talk about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, I'm, like...
Jess: What...
Oliver: What?!
Jess: Is that?!
Oliver: What about lunch, man? You want another drink?
Jess: [old-timey voice] If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you're tryin' to liquor me up!
Oliver: Why are you talking like that?
Jess: Oh, Oliver, we have nothing in common. [Oliver exits] Yes! I have no emotional connection to him at all. But I'm just gonna eat lunch off that butt.

Quote from Winston

Nick: [answers phone] What, Winston?
Winston: Hey, man, look, I'm sorry to call you ... I know you're at dinner.
Nick: No, I'm not, Winston. I'm actually hanging out with a guy named Cliff.
Cliff: Are we hanging out? That's awesome.
Winston: Listen here, man, I'm at Shelby's house. And there's two other girls here. They're drinking cranberry juice, talking about Michelle Obama's upper-body workout. I got a nose strip on my face, man.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You know, just making copies.
Julia: Did you do all of this?
Nick: I did.
Julia: No.
Nick: Yeah.
Julia: Really?
Nick: And I just want you to know that there's a photocopy of my butt somewhere in your recycling bin.
Julia: Okay.
Nick: I had a weird moment, Julia, and I went for it. Okay, and if anyone finds it, I want them to know that I moved during the copy, and I don't actually have two butt cracks.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, what are you doing home so soon?
Jess: Well, I helped him get back together with his ex-girlfriend. He made me video-chat with his mom in Hawaii for a couple minutes, and then, um, I came home, so...
Schmidt: Jess, you don't your first one-night stand to be with some total stranger. You got to pick someone who you know, who's not gonna make a big deal out of the whole thing.
Jess: Hmm.
Schmidt: You have an urge, you act on it. And... whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards. God help you if you get sucked into a brunch.
Jess: Thanks, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Come here.
Jess: You smell good.
Schmidt: It's probably the oil of the ylang-ylang tree. [Jess laughs] Don't over think it.

Quote from Cece

Jess: [on the phone] You are not gonna believe the stupid thing I almost did last night.
Cece: Tell me.
Jess: Okay, but have to promise never to tell anyone, ever.
Cece: Of course, out with it. Tell me.
Jess: Okay, I almost tried to hook up with Schmidt last night.
[Cece is on the phone in Schmidt's bed. He rolls over and puts his arm around her, kissing her neck.]
Cece: That would have been crazy.
Jess: I know! Can you imagine? Ugh.
Cece: I cannot. I got to go, okay? Bye.


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