Reagan: It isn't a dream job. Sure, it comes with a great salary and a vaccination for the coming elk flu. The flu that you're gonna be hearing about for the next decade.

Bob Day: You've been great to me. You've taken care of me. Now I'm gonna do something for you. I'm gonna get you a ticket. Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A.
Jess: Dad, I am not leaving you like this. Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners. And you know how slippery your bathtub is.
Bob Day: I won't stand up! I'll just roll out!

Jess: "She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..."

Bob Day: Jess... now I'm gonna show you some tough love. I want you to go back to California. [Jess sighs] Wh-What's going on?
Jess: It's Nick. I... I'm-I'm in love with him, and I can't... I can't do anything about it.
Bob Day: I'm sorry.
Jess: He's really happy with someone else. I couldn't go back there.
Bob Day: Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You don't have to. You can stay here as long as you want. You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you. You know what, I'm gonna read you one of my favorite books. See?
Jess: Oh...
Bob Day: Before the Web: The Story of Telephone Operators. "She sat by the switchboard, anxiously awaiting...
the phone call. Ring. Ring." [turns page] "Ring."

Aly: I could be the Queen of Egypt and your mom wouldn't know, because all she wants to do is talk about the radio show that doesn't exist.
Winston: That's on me. Maybe I should have made my fake radio show less intriguing.
[flashback:]
Winston: It's 7:12 and you know what that means. Traffic on the 12 with Linda. [clears throat] [higher voice] It's just way too much damn traffic out here. I can't get to work. [laughs] Linda. Your big ass on the bus, stop playing.

Reagan: Okay, I am off to my drug party.
Nick: Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention. Have fun. If you get too drunk to drive, call me,
'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins.
Cece: Wait, you're not going? Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends?
Nick: Mm, we never really talked about it.
Schmidt: Seems like something that a married homeowner should weigh in on. How could you not talk about such a major relationship step?
Reagan: Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are. We don't talk about every little tiny...
Nick: We don't gab all day like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry.

Schmidt: Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship.
Cece: Truth.
Schmidt: The problem is, is neither one of you wants to take the initiative. You're both communication bottoms. One of you needs to be the top.
Nick: What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns?

Aly: Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking.
Winston: One small thing-- it's a footnote, really-- my mom don't know I'm a cop.
Aly: What? Winston, why?
Winston: She's a-a protective single mom. She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing.
[flashback:]
Charmaine: My baby! I turn my head for one second. Lord, where is my baby?! Wh...
Winston: I went to look at bikes.
Charmaine: Oh!
[present:]
Winston: She still thinks I'm in sports radio. I still record shows for her. You got to promise not to blow my cover.
Aly: Wait, what are you doing?
Winston: I have so much police stuff. Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie against your will, but... my mom is coming to see you, okay? It won't even come up. But if it does, you're my producer.
Aly: Bishop!
Winston: I'm-a hide that.
Aly: [to herself] I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him...

Jess: Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore. All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once: The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story. Anyway, I got all your stuff-- your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, your gummy peaches...
Bob Day: You're making too big a fuss out of this. I mean, I've had so much worse. This is just a bruised toe.
Jess: It's your index toe. Very serious. That's the toe you point with.

Aly: Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up with Stephen A's brother Stephen B. Our lead-in is a cooking show called The Ugly Dumpling...
Winston: So funny.