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‘Misery’ Quotes

New Girl: Misery

620. Misery

Aired March 21, 2017

Jess goes to her father's house to get away from Nick and Reagan. Winston's mom visits to meet Aly. Nick joins Reagan at a pharma convention. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Cece hang around the loft.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: It isn't a dream job. Sure, it comes with a great salary and a vaccination for the coming elk flu. The flu that you're gonna be hearing about for the next decade.

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Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: You've been great to me. You've taken care of me. Now I'm gonna do something for you. I'm gonna get you a ticket. Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A.
Jess: Dad, I am not leaving you like this. Recovery is the most vulnerable part of the process, and this house is full of stairs and sharp corners. And you know how slippery your bathtub is.
Bob Day: I won't stand up! I'll just roll out!

Quote from Jess

Jess: "She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..."

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Jess... now I'm gonna show you some tough love. I want you to go back to California. [Jess sighs] Wh-What's going on?
Jess: It's Nick. I... I'm-I'm in love with him, and I can't... I can't do anything about it.
Bob Day: I'm sorry.
Jess: He's really happy with someone else. I couldn't go back there.
Bob Day: Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. You don't have to. You can stay here as long as you want. You've been taking care of me, now I'm gonna take care of you. You know what, I'm gonna read you one of my favorite books. See?
Jess: Oh...
Bob Day: Before the Web: The Story of Telephone Operators. "She sat by the switchboard, anxiously awaiting...
the phone call. Ring. Ring." [turns page] "Ring."

Quote from Nick

Reagan: Okay, I am off to my drug party.
Nick: Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew is in town for a convention. Have fun. If you get too drunk to drive, call me,
'cause I will be, too, and we can be twins.
Cece: Wait, you're not going? Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends?
Nick: Mm, we never really talked about it.
Schmidt: Seems like something that a married homeowner should weigh in on. How could you not talk about such a major relationship step?
Reagan: Ugh, because we're not all couple-y like you guys are. We don't talk about every little tiny...
Nick: We don't gab all day like a couple of Italian grandmas hanging their laundry.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Talking is the lifeblood of a relationship.
Cece: Truth.
Schmidt: The problem is, is neither one of you wants to take the initiative. You're both communication bottoms. One of you needs to be the top.
Nick: What does this have anything to do with hamburger buns?

Quote from Winston

Aly: Maybe as an icebreaker we tell your mom about the time we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking.
Winston: One small thing-- it's a footnote, really-- my mom don't know I'm a cop.
Aly: What? Winston, why?
Winston: She's a-a protective single mom. She's always freaked out at the tiniest thing.
[flashback:]
Charmaine: My baby! I turn my head for one second. Lord, where is my baby?! Wh...
Winston: I went to look at bikes.
Charmaine: Oh!
[present:]
Winston: She still thinks I'm in sports radio. I still record shows for her. You got to promise not to blow my cover.
Aly: Wait, what are you doing?
Winston: I have so much police stuff. Now, I realize you're getting caught up in a lie against your will, but... my mom is coming to see you, okay? It won't even come up. But if it does, you're my producer.
Aly: Bishop!
Winston: I'm-a hide that.
Aly: [to herself] I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him...

Quote from Jess

Jess: Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore. All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once: The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story. Anyway, I got all your stuff-- your bandages, your hydrogen peroxide, your gummy peaches...
Bob Day: You're making too big a fuss out of this. I mean, I've had so much worse. This is just a bruised toe.
Jess: It's your index toe. Very serious. That's the toe you point with.

Quote from Winston

Aly: Okay, we're in 42 markets, big show coming up with Stephen A's brother Stephen B. Our lead-in is a cooking show called The Ugly Dumpling...
Winston: So funny.

Quote from Reagan

Nick: [whistles] Whoa, drug companies have a lot of money. Well, this is great. I feel like you finally brought me to your home planet.
Reagan: Yeah. I'm really glad you came.
Nick: All right. So tell me about these pharm reps I'm about to meet.
Reagan: I mean, I don't know what I can really tell you about them. We sort of became friends at these conventions, and we go from city to city with each other. It's kind of like camp friends? Except everybody's, uh, slept together a whole lot. It's exactly like camp friends, I guess.
Nick: All these people have had sex with each other?
Reagan: Mostly, yeah.
Nick: Mostly. And with you? You had sex with the... Yeah? Why wouldn't you?
Nick: Yeah. Oh, you guys are like groupies, but for yourself. I dig it.

Quote from Reagan

Jack: So, Reagan, you gonna save me a pas de deux tonight?
Reagan: Okay. [laughter]
Nick: What's going on? What are you guys laughing at? I don't get the joke.
Lucy: Well, you do know that she was a professionally trained ballet dancer?
Nick: You never told me you were a ballerina.
Reagan: I sort of shattered both of my ankles in this thing I refer to as "The Crackening."
Nick: Your ankles? Like, both your ankles?
Reagan: And both of my knees and a little bit of my pelvis.
Nick: What?

Quote from Winston

Aly: I could be the Queen of Egypt and your mom wouldn't know, because all she wants to do is talk about the radio show that doesn't exist.
Winston: That's on me. Maybe I should have made my fake radio show less intriguing.
[flashback:]
Winston: It's 7:12 and you know what that means. Traffic on the 12 with Linda. [clears throat] [higher voice] It's just way too much damn traffic out here. I can't get to work. [laughs] Linda. Your big ass on the bus, stop playing.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You can salute me, too. 'Cause, uh, I'm also a cop.
Charmaine: What?!
Winston: Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm not a super successful morning radio shock jock.
Charmaine: There's no radio show?
Winston: No. I'm a... I'm an officer of the law.
Charmaine: What?!
Winston: That's not how you reacted when Aly said she was a cop.
Charmaine: Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body, and now you're telling me that my heart is on these streets by himself? Sampling drugs with a knife to see if it's really cocaine? My heart knows what cocaine tastes like?

Quote from Nick

Nick: These are the important talks.
Reagan: This is so unlike you. Why are you being the girl in this argument?
Nick: I don't know, Reagan. I don't know. But I do know you're being heteronormative. Okay? I know that word-- it's in the zeitgeist, and I know that word, too. I don't know why I'm acting this way.
Woman: [o.s.] If you're out there, Nick Miller, you're our raffle winner!
Nick: Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I did spend $190 on tickets. $200. I spent $250 on tickets. That's it. I spent over $300 on tickets.

Quote from Bob Day

Jess: "Deciding which house to go to for Thanksgiving, she was stuck in a real parent trap."
Bob Day: Enough. Enough. Enough.
Jess: Oh, you're right. This chapter's dragging. Let me move on.
Bob Day: Jess, please. I-I need my freedom. I need my judge shows, my fish sticks. My-my naked time.
Jess: Oh, please don't expand on that.
Bob Day: No, it's a good thing. Ashley showed me how to embrace my body. And I... every day, for about a half an hour, I walk around here naked. Fabulous.
Jess: Did you sit on this chair?

Quote from Nick

Nick: I also want to talk about the fact I've never been at my best sexually with you. I've been, like, a seven, but, at other times in my life, I've been an eight-and-a-half.
Reagan: Okay.
Nick: But you've only seen a seven. So you think of me as a seven in bed. But I'm an eight-and-a-half.

Quote from Winston

Charmaine: Oh. I need to tell you something.
Winston: No, no, just... let me go first. This job has given me so much. Purpose, pride, my future wife, CPR certification-- against my will, I might add, because I truly believe that it is witchcraft, but that's not the point. I have tried so many things. But being a cop is the first time I've ever felt a calling.
Charmaine: I'm proud of you. Yeah. I-I will deal with my fears. Um... but there's one more thing. [pulls out a police badge]
Winston: Oh, my God. Mom, you've been a cop this whole time?
Charmaine: No!
Winston: You're not a cop.
Charmaine: It was your dad's. He's a cop. Wherever the hell he is.
Winston: Wow. Um... You know, that's the first thing you ever told me about him.
Charmaine: So you know I got a lot of practice worrying about someone coming home. Maybe that's the reason I'm so overprotective with you. He left this behind, among other things. I just use it to get out of tickets. And one time I did use it for a discount on a... a rental car. Take it.
Winston: No, I don't want it. You're my dad. You're my mom and my dad.
Charmaine: I know that. And I'm not saying he's not a piece of crap, either. But you should have this.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [Australian accent] I like American football a lot. And you know who I like, I like that Tom Brady. Uh, I like the way he looks, I like the way he smells. [cut] Nick, shut up, man! I'm at... I'm at work. [cut] Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi. Chacho. [deep voice] Chacho. [cut] This is traffic on the 12. Linda? "Move! Get your ass out the way! I'm trying to get to work on time." Linda, you okay? "I'm fine. "It's the reason why I'm late. I'm in traffic behind a damn Camry. If he don't move his ass out the way..." Linda, all right, that's enough of you. [laughs] PG-13.


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