Coach: I'm what?
Jess: We had to do budget cuts, and we have to let two people go, and you're my friend, and I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry.
[The boys' basketball team runs in with a custom-made jacket for Coach]
Boy: We all pitched in.
Coach: Thanks, guys. I'm not coach anymore. I'm just Coach.

Schmidt: Wait a minute, is your e-mail address OwwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
Winston: Still?
Coach: Yeah, man. Picked it in college. It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP. We've been everywhere together, brotha. Never done .org or a .gov. I would never do that.
Winston: Right.
Coach: But every other damn domain.
Schmidt: You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like OwwMeSoErnie. Although, you did got a job at a school, so what do I know?

Coach: You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. A dog would be better than you. A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! Wh- What kind of men are you?

Jess: God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving.
Coach: What the hell is going on? Were you not gonna call me? How long you been here?
Nick: We literally just got here.
Jess: Well, we were gonna go...
Schmidt: I had a, uh...
Coach: If I wasn't... If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been... The only reason I'm not pissed... it's because I've been in L.A. like five times. So... we're good. [all cheering] I've got other friends.

Schmidt: You think Prince has a pool?
Winston: You think he has a drawbridge?
Nick: We're never gonna get in. We're not even in a limo.
Coach: Uh, excuse me, we're in a Ford Fusion, the best car ever made. It gets double the gas mileage of...
Schmidt: Again?
Nick: Shut up. That's all you've been talking about the whole drive, and it's weird. You get sexual when you talk about it. It's in your eyes. I don't like it.
Coach: Double the gas mileage means you go double as far. Double as long.

Coach: As the only other black man in this loft, I feel like I should weigh in. This issue really hits home with me, and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I need to get off my chest.
Winston: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: But I'm hungry.
Winston: Man.
Coach: I skipped breakfast, and lunch is gonna be dumb as hell. [sings] Race talk snacks Race talk snacks, gotta get me Some race talk snacks Gonna be super uncomfortable!

Jess: Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?
Coach: Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
Nick: I don't know "everyone," Jess.
Coach: I might have dabbled.

Coach: It's just the accent. That's the only thing you... You like the accent? I can do an accent. [Cockney accent:] I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh? [high-pitched Cockney accent] You like when I do the accent?
Ruth: Not at all.
Coach: My dad makes cheese.
Ruth: He just made me realize that I want guys who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff.
Coach: [normal voice] Yeah, well... But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin.

Schmidt: Good to have you back, old man. So, what, uh, you and Malia broke up?
Coach: Oh, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was, like, "Ew. Bye."
Jess: I guess her gain is our gain!
Coach: Who are you?
Nick: Hey, come... Come on, man.
Jess: It's me, Jess.
Coach: Ah, yeah, no.
Jess: We lived together for, like, two weeks. We shared some pretty big moments.
[flashback:]
Coach: Yes! We got Bin Laden!
Jess: SEAL Team 6, bitches! [high five] Yeah! [high five] Yeah! [high-five] Yeah!
[present:]
Coach: Huh. I thought I was alone for that.
Jess: You weren't.

Coach: [sings to island beats] Tiny pants man He don't have friends That's why he got the clock He got the clock to watch his only friends.