Coach Quotes Page 1 of 8

Quote from Fired Up

Coach: I'm what?
Jess: We had to do budget cuts, and we have to let two people go, and you're my friend, and I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry.
[The boys' basketball team runs in with a custom-made jacket for Coach]
Boy: We all pitched in.
Coach: Thanks, guys. I'm not coach anymore. I'm just Coach.


Quote from Dance

Coach: You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. A dog would be better than you. A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! Wh- What kind of men are you?

Quote from Spiderhunt

Schmidt: Wait a minute, is your e-mail address [email protected]?
Winston: Still?
Coach: Yeah, man. Picked it in college. It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP. We've been everywhere together, brotha. Never done .org or a .gov. I would never do that.
Winston: Right.
Coach: But every other damn domain.
Schmidt: You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie. Although, you did got a job at a school, so what do I know?

Quote from Par 5

Coach: As the only other black man in this loft, I feel like I should weigh in. This issue really hits home with me, and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I need to get off my chest.
Winston: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: But I'm hungry.
Winston: Man.
Coach: I skipped breakfast, and lunch is gonna be dumb as hell. [sings] Race talk snacks Race talk snacks,
gotta get me Some race talk snacks Gonna be super uncomfortable!

Quote from Homecoming

Jess: God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving.
Coach: What the hell is going on? Were you not gonna call me? How long you been here?
Nick: We literally just got here.
Jess: Well, we were gonna go...
Schmidt: I had a, uh...
Coach: If I wasn't... If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been... The only reason I'm not pissed... it's because I've been in L.A. like five times. So... we're good. [all cheering] I've got other friends.

Quote from Prince

Schmidt: You think Prince has a pool?
Winston: You think he has a drawbridge?
Nick: We're never gonna get in. We're not even in a limo.
Coach: Uh, excuse me, we're in a Ford Fusion, the best car ever made. It gets double the gas mileage of...
Schmidt: Again?
Nick: Shut up. That's all you've been talking about the whole drive, and it's weird. You get sexual when you talk about it. It's in your eyes. I don't like it.
Coach: Double the gas mileage means you go double as far. Double as long.

Quote from Coming Out

Coach: It's just the accent. That's the only thing you... You like the accent? I can do an accent. [Cockney accent:] I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh? [high-pitched Cockney accent] You like when I do the accent?
Ruth: Not at all.
Coach: My dad makes cheese.
Ruth: He just made me realize that I want guys who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff.
Coach: [normal voice] Yeah, well... But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin.

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: Good to have you back, old man. So, what, uh, you and Malia broke up?
Coach: Oh, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was, like, "Ew. Bye."
Jess: I guess her gain is our gain!
Coach: Who are you?
Nick: Hey, come... Come on, man.
Jess: It's me, Jess.
Coach: Ah, yeah, no.
Jess: We lived together for, like, two weeks. We shared some pretty big moments.
Coach: Yes! We got Bin Laden!
Jess: SEAL Team 6, bitches! [high five] Yeah! [high five] Yeah! [high-five] Yeah!
Coach: Huh. I thought I was alone for that.
Jess: You weren't.

Quote from Menus

Coach: [sings to island beats] Tiny pants man He don't have friends That's why he got the clock He got the clock to watch his only friends.

Quote from Fired Up

Coach: Run! Do not stop running or I will eat your faces and bodies! Keep running or I will murder your family! [quietly] I love this job. [loudly] You're pissing me off! This one. This one. I got my eye on you.

Quote from The Last Wedding

Coach: So you're competing with her?
Jess: I can take her down, because I have something she doesn't have: You guys. Now, strategies. What about you, Coach? You hook up at weddings all the time. What's your strategy?
Coach: It's called being a gorgeous black man with the body of an action figure.
Jess: I could give that a try.

Quote from Teachers

Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.

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