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‘Halloween’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Halloween

206. Halloween

Aired October 30, 2012

Jess finds herself falling for her casual sex buddy Sam. Meanwhile, Nick is forced to confront his fear of Haunted Houses, Schmidt gate-crashes Cece's Halloween plans with Robby, and Winston hopes a sexy costume will end his rut with Shelby.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: I get it, Schmidt. We're in a rut.
Schmidt: Without sex, she's not your girlfriend, okay? She's a friend that you buy meals for. Winston, I get it, man. You're... you're scared to end it. You're just like Cece. Cece's scared to end it with Robby, because clearly she's still nuts about me.
Winston: Robby's nice. Good guy, man. He always has gum.
Schmidt: "Oh, Robby... he's such a nice guy." I'll show you nice guy. Boom. Punch him in his face. Yeah, put you in a guillotine choke hold. And then Robby's like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe this. Young Abraham Lincoln is choking me out in his guillotine."
Winston: You're going as young Abe Lincoln for Halloween?
Schmidt: Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day. And Cece's American, so...
Winston: Thank you for that information, Schmidt.

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Quote from Nick

Amelia: You had an alter ego, remember?
Nick: Yeah.
Amelia: The guy who'd been in a coma who woke up thinking he had invented pie.
Nick: Oh, I got a great new idea for a dessert! Wait a second, what year is it? [Amelia laughs] That's awesome you liked that. No, I'm really glad you're here. Welcome to Los Angeles. L.A., as the locals call it. This is the city where many scenes from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick, where do you even buy sheets like this? They're the thread count of a paper towel.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What am I looking at here? Robby, man to man, you didn't want to wear something, I don't know, a little more form flattering? Maybe like a pile of towels, the number eight?
Cece: Schmidt.
Schmidt: I know. But how could I not knock down such low-hanging fruit? Speaking of low-hanging fruit, Jess, you didn't want to let out the pants a little bit?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: Not even a touch?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: You want to look at your work?
Jess: Looks great.
Schmidt: Not to an eight-year-old child. Who's just staring right down the barrel.

Quote from Nick

Amelia: You should've made a move in college.
Nick: No, I didn't have moves, Amelia. My moves were singing to you and trying to give you back rubs and...
Amelia: I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks.
Nick: Didn't you think it was weird that I kept showing up at your door, telling you I had a family tragedy? How many grandparents did you think I had? I had a bad bag of moves, lady.

Quote from Robby

Robby: Look, let's just cut the crap, okay? I know you think I'm dumb, and you can hit on Cece and make fun of me all day long, but I'm not going anywhere, all right?
Schmidt: You're a big guy, you know that?
Robby: Yeah.
Schmidt: Luckily, I've got a stone forehead.
Robby: What? [blocks Schmidt's forehead with his hand] I'm sorry.
Schmidt: No, it's cool, man.
Robby: You just tried to head-butt me. I had to stop you.
Schmidt: No, yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you.
Robby: All right. [blocks Schmidt again]
Schmidt: Damn it!
Robby: Schmidt, you did it again.
Schmidt: How do you see that coming every time?
Robby: You wind up. You make, like, a little wind-up thing. I just...
Schmidt: Hit me right in the forehead.
Robby: Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt me with your forehead.
Schmidt: Yeah, I know I was trying to head-butt you.

Quote from Robby

Robby: Okay, listen. I think there's two options here. We can either go the way that things have been going and we're going to have a big problem, or we can just knock this off and let's be friends, okay?
Schmidt: I'm sorry.
Robby: Okay. I'm sorry, too.
My bad.
Robby: Schmidt: I'm sorry, too.
Schmidt: No, truce.
Robby: All right, truce. [blocks Schmidt again] Will you stop trying to head-butt me, man?
Schmidt: I just... [again]

Quote from Robby

Robby: I have no idea how they deep-fry a turkey dinner, but I am so glad they do because I love it.
Schmidt: Do you love your legs? Because, I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: No, because I want to hang out with you, too.
Cece: With Robby there?
Schmidt: Yeah, with Robby there.
Cece: Good. Good.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, good, good. Good. Lincoln, bringing the nation back together again.

Quote from Robby

Cece: Just... what are you going to wear?
Schmidt: Plan B was always Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike, so... Always got to have a plan B, Robby. [to a kid who offers his hat] Thanks, man.
Robby: Wow. I mean, look at his thighs. They're like fleshy tree trunks. Whoa. I mean, he just knows how to work the crowd. I mean, his thighs are, like, the size of my head.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause I'm going over to Sam's house to mix his batter. Oh, yeah.
Schmidt: Not in that costume.
Nick: I don't know. Costume kind of works for me. Kind of a sexy, undead driver's ed teacher. It's my sweet spot.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Sam doesn't care what I look like. 'Cause I'm not his girlfriend. And I'm gonna kick him to the curb once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample. Hey-yo!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, here's your wallet.
Sam: Oh, thank you.
Jess: You must have dropped it on our most recent trip to No Pants City. Just so you know, I didn't look in it. 'Cause I don't care and I respect your privacy.
Sam: Then how'd you know it was my wallet?
Jess: Well played, Sam Sweeny... Born in Boston, six-four. I didn't know you worked in the E.R. Until I got here, though.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You're a doctor for children.
Sam: It's, you know, mostly paperwork.
Jess: That why you have so many cute cards on the wall? "Dear Dr. Sam..." They call you Dr. Sam? "Thank you for making me better. I love you, and so does my bunny."
Sam: Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap. I mean, she just traced Bugs Bunny.
Jess: I didn't know you were a, like, caring person.
Sam: Same guy. Same guy. I'm the same guy that did you in that falafel restaurant, you remember? And a dirty one, at that.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I haven't worn these in years. Here you go.
Winston: Wow, Schmidt. You've got so many boots.
Schmidt: You know who doesn't have a lot of boots? Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg.
Winston: Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed that we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween, so... hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other.
Schmidt: You know, at night, I can actually feel gusts of frigid air coming from beneath your door.

Quote from Jess

Cece: A doctor?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Cece: I had him pegged for a part-time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy.
Jess: He cares about people for a living; it's so much hotter.
Cece: You're starting to like him now.
Jess: No, no, no, we're just coworkers. On the night shift.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey. What, uh... What-what are you?
Shelby: I'm reigning cats and dogs! Get it? Reigning... cats and dogs.
Winston: Those stuffed animals are gonna look good on the floor of my bedroom.

Quote from Robby

Schmidt: Hey, Robby. Hey, look, I get it. Guy who shot John Lennon dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Robby: No.
Schmidt: Cece, you're an angel, as always.
Cece: Get off my horse, Schmidt.
Robby: Hey, Lincoln, right? That's awes... You know, I was just thinking about Lincoln today.
Schmidt: Yeah, Robby, we all were.
Robby: This is kind of funny. The two of you together on that horse, you kind of look like a bride and a groom.
Cece: I will throw you off of this horse with my bare hands. I will.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What's wrong with me? I wanted this for so long with her, and now... it's just too much. You know?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Nick: You want to know why I don't like haunted houses?
Jess: Why?
Nick: Because they're just like relationships. You walk in all confident, and then once you get in, it's not what you thought it was gonna be, and it's scary.
Jess: Nick, you've liked her for a long time. Go in the "haunted house."
Nick: I'm gonna go in the "haunted house."
Amelia: Ta-da! That's me, that's you, and that's our dog.
Nick: I look so scared.

Quote from Cece

Woman: Bride and groom?
Cece: No! No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle!
Woman: Bride and Ninja Turtle. I don't get it.
Schmidt: I don't get it, either. Like she lost a bet or something.
Cece: What is wrong with you? Seriously!
Robby: It's okay, Cece.
Cece: No, it's not okay! You need to go home and change, Schmidt. I know you have more costumes in your closet.
Schmidt: Those costumes are for Purim. Purim's in March.
Cece: I don't care! You're doing this intentionally just to mess with me!

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