Winston: I get it, Schmidt. We're in a rut.
Schmidt: Without sex, she's not your girlfriend, okay? She's a friend that you buy meals for. Winston, I get it, man. You're... you're scared to end it. You're just like Cece. Cece's scared to end it with Robby, because clearly she's still nuts about me.
Winston: Robby's nice. Good guy, man. He always has gum.
Schmidt: "Oh, Robby... he's such a nice guy." I'll show you nice guy. Boom. Punch him in his face. Yeah, put you in a guillotine choke hold. And then Robby's like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe this. Young Abraham Lincoln is choking me out in his guillotine."
Winston: You're going as young Abe Lincoln for Halloween?
Schmidt: Statistically speaking, every American thinks about Abraham Lincoln at least once a day. And Cece's American, so...
Winston: Thank you for that information, Schmidt.

Amelia: You had an alter ego, remember?
Nick: Yeah.
Amelia: The guy who'd been in a coma who woke up thinking he had invented pie.
Nick: Oh, I got a great new idea for a dessert! Wait a second, what year is it? [Amelia laughs] That's awesome you liked that. No, I'm really glad you're here. Welcome to Los Angeles. L.A., as the locals call it. This is the city where many scenes from the film Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shot.

Schmidt: Nick, where do you even buy sheets like this? They're the thread count of a paper towel.

Schmidt: What am I looking at here? Robby, man to man, you didn't want to wear something, I don't know, a little more form flattering? Maybe like a pile of towels, the number eight?
Cece: Schmidt.
Schmidt: I know. But how could I not knock down such low-hanging fruit? Speaking of low-hanging fruit, Jess, you didn't want to let out the pants a little bit?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: Not even a touch?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: You want to look at your work?
Jess: Looks great.
Schmidt: Not to an eight-year-old child. Who's just staring right down the barrel.

Amelia: You should've made a move in college.
Nick: No, I didn't have moves, Amelia. My moves were singing to you and trying to give you back rubs and...
Amelia: I do remember you picking a lot of eyelashes off my cheeks.
Nick: Didn't you think it was weird that I kept showing up at your door, telling you I had a family tragedy? How many grandparents did you think I had? I had a bad bag of moves, lady.

Robby: Look, let's just cut the crap, okay? I know you think I'm dumb, and you can hit on Cece and make fun of me all day long, but I'm not going anywhere, all right?
Schmidt: You're a big guy, you know that?
Robby: Yeah.
Schmidt: Luckily, I've got a stone forehead.
Robby: What? [blocks Schmidt's forehead with his hand] I'm sorry.
Schmidt: No, it's cool, man.
Robby: You just tried to head-butt me. I had to stop you.
Schmidt: No, yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you.
Robby: All right. [blocks Schmidt again]
Schmidt: Damn it!
Robby: Schmidt, you did it again.
Schmidt: How do you see that coming every time?
Robby: You wind up. You make, like, a little wind-up thing. I just...
Schmidt: Hit me right in the forehead.
Robby: Yeah, well, you tried to head-butt me with your forehead.
Schmidt: Yeah, I know I was trying to head-butt you.

Robby: Okay, listen. I think there's two options here. We can either go the way that things have been going and we're going to have a big problem, or we can just knock this off and let's be friends, okay?
Schmidt: I'm sorry.
Robby: Okay. I'm sorry, too.
My bad.
Robby: Schmidt: I'm sorry, too.
Schmidt: No, truce.
Robby: All right, truce. [blocks Schmidt again] Will you stop trying to head-butt me, man?
Schmidt: I just... [again]

Robby: I have no idea how they deep-fry a turkey dinner, but I am so glad they do because I love it.
Schmidt: Do you love your legs? Because, I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.

Schmidt: No, because I want to hang out with you, too.
Cece: With Robby there?
Schmidt: Yeah, with Robby there.
Cece: Good. Good.
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, good, good. Good. Lincoln, bringing the nation back together again.

Cece: Just... what are you going to wear?
Schmidt: Plan B was always Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike, so... Always got to have a plan B, Robby. [to a kid who offers his hat] Thanks, man.
Robby: Wow. I mean, look at his thighs. They're like fleshy tree trunks. Whoa. I mean, he just knows how to work the crowd. I mean, his thighs are, like, the size of my head.