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‘Parking Spot’ Quotes

New Girl: Parking Spot

217. Parking Spot

Aired February 19, 2013

Jess, Schmidt and Nick fight for a parking spot in the building. Meanwhile, Winston goes on a desperate search for a condom.

Quote from Winston

Daisy: You forgot a condom?
Winston: You got a grocery bag?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Tin foil?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Hand sanitizer?
Daisy: No.
Winston: You got a shower cap and a twist tie?
Daisy: You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex?
Winston: What about a baseball cap that's really small?
Daisy: Are you serious?
Winston: Um, I got quick reflexes. Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay?
Daisy: Okay, well, look, do not waste my time.
Winston: I will be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." Don't-don't say that, though.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Your mouth nailed her mouth.
Jess: For the record, no one nailed my mouth. That's important to me. Also, we didn't do anything wrong.
Schmidt: Do you know nothing about men?
Jess: Yeah, I know nothing about men. That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights.
Schmidt: A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. What fuels men? Competition and sex. That's why the United Nations was formed, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Why you holding a box of fish sticks?
Jess: Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick. I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone. I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch. I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not?
Nick: I refuse to pay for the wiffi.
Jess: It's WiFi.

Quote from Winston

Cece: I'm really happy you gave me another shot.
Shivrang: Yeah, so am I. You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends.
Cece: No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, you'd really like them. They are down to earth and chill, no drama.
Jess: Yeah?
Winston: [o.s.] Hey, Cece, it's Winston! You got a rubber?! I need a rubber. [pounding on door]
Cece: He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb" It's so weird.
Winston: Nah, nah, I-I need a condom for my penis!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot. Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Oh, damn it! I'm the dumbest boy in school!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Is everyone in the world having sex but me?! Old people, foreigners, nerds. Everyone's banging. Schmidt and Jess?! Everyone is out there getting and giving except for old Winnie. Look at me... a man who has absolutely nothing. I left my phone, my wallet, and my dignity at Daisy's house. I even left my pants there ... look at this.
Jess: Yum.
Nick: Yum.
Winston: I need a win, damn it, I need a win.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Schmidt's right. I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't. You nailed my mouth... and you nailed it good and hard and strong. Now things have changed.
Nick: Okay, but they don't have to have changed.
Jess: It's just different, Nick, it is.
Nick: That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made ... dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, dumber than when I thought it was pronounced "Brock Omabrama."
Jess: What?
Nick: I thought his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..." It's not...

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Guys, why don't we just all share the spot? We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts.
Schmidt: Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Quote from Jess

Jess: As the only woman in the loft...
Schmidt: Don't play the lady card.
Jess: I will play the lady card.
Winston: Race card.
Nick: Lazy drunk card.
Schmidt: Deserves-the-spot card.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh. Sex window. Now, if you all will excuse me, I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot.
Jess: Ew. Ew!
Schmidt: As if there was anything more important than this.
Jess: Get out.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you? Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote.
Nick: What? No!
Jess: He's right, 'cause we're both voting for ourselves, so that makes you the decider.
Nick: You two are on your own. I'm out.
Jess: You can't escape destiny. She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. That's right. Destiny's a lady.
Schmidt: Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote ... Scott Caan.

Quote from Winston

Daisy: Oh, finally. What took you so long? I said 2:45, not 3:08.
Winston: I couldn't follow your directions. I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze. Every building in this place looks exactly the same. And for future reference, I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much a north-south kind of guy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh. Okay. Think that I'm blind? Think I can't smell it? You think I can't hear it? The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. Smells like freaking Tijuana.
Schmidt: What... happened here?
Jess: Nothing.
Nick: Hardly anything.
Jess: Hardly anything?!
Nick: You know I'm not good at this, Jess.
Jess: Shut up. Okay, fine. We kissed. Eh. It was nothing. So? Uh, moving on.
Nick: Don't be weird about this, Schmidt.
Jess: Remember... I mean, it was like a dare, basically.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Mazel... tov to the both of you.
Nick: Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that. Emergency. Emergency. Sorry about that. I need a condom.
Cashier: That'll be $8.75.
Winston: All right. What the hell? What the...? Damn it, took Daisy's pants. Look, I don't have any money right now, but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, so if you could just, you know?
Cashier: Next.
Winston: Wait. No. No, no, no, no. Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man? They're practically open, right? How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie?
Cashier: Next.
Man: Come on.
Winston: Hey, everybody. What's up? My name is Winston Bishop, and I am in desperate need... of a condom.
Cashier: Okay, that's it.
Winston: Now hear me out.
Cashier: Okay? Okay. Come on. Sorry, folks.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine. Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine. Are you seriously doing this?! I can't believe this! This is so dumb! I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm trying to process this whole thing. Nick, you're my best friend, and you should have told me. And Jess, what do you think? Mono is just some sort of joke?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Nothing has changed. Like same old, same old.
Schmidt: Except for the fact that, uh, pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot. Post-kiss Jess does. Sounds... like... change.
Jess: I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Did you, though?
Nick: I wouldn't say fair and square.
Jess: All right. Fine. I used my body. Is that what you want to hear? I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, and I got a parking space.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller. You know, had Winston kissed me, you're the first person I would have told!
Nick: I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you.
Schmidt: But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere.
Nick: I can't handle this! Fine. Schmidt, congratulations. The spot is yours.
Schmidt: Okay. Really.
Nick: It's him.
Jess: What?! Nick Miller, you weakling.
Nick: I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board. This city can't have another scandal!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Aw, damn it! You middled me again?! I'm not to be middled; It's in my contract.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Aah! Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely. I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me.

Quote from Cece

Cece: What are you doing? Okay, we're not close enough for this. Alright, we have spent very little time together.
Winston: You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood.
Cece: Don't you dare come in my house.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I'm Winston, good to see you again.
Shivrang: Shivrang, Hi.
Winston: You got a condom on you?
Shivrang: Oh, no, no, look that's not, We're, um... Her mother and my mother... I'm a chemical engineer.
Cece: Winston!
Winston: Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom in your wallet, but my question to you is: Do you actually think you're gonna get lucky with a a sexy lady like that?
Shivrang: You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky by just being here.
Winston: Be honest with me.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [to Cece] Is he going to need that condom tonight?
Shivrang: Oh, God.
Cece: I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Winston: Shall I give you a minute to think about it? 'Cause I can wait.
Cece: I'm gonna wring your damn neck.
Shivrang: This is awful, like, really...
Cece: Okay, okay. Get out.
Shivrang: This is worse than last time.
Cece: Honestly, physically removing you now.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, just focus, man, bring it in. Absorb it. [sighs] Yeah.
Jess: Did you just pee inside your body?
Schmidt: Yes.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Daisy, I'm back. Daisy. Hey, Daisy, I'm here! Where you at?! I don't have my phone, and all these buildings look alike, and I... Hey, Daisy! You know Daisy?
Man: Shut up.
Winston: No? All right, okay, cool. Now, I walked around with "yum" on my butt all day. I deserve sex ... protected sex. Daisy...!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ay, ay, ay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Jess: We're having a conversation.
Nick: Will you please get out of here?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? Because I live here, too, and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap. Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts about each other, you better be thinking about me, too, because I ain't going nowhere.
Jess: You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here: "We, the undersigned, agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day unless the sex can be parlayed into a business that provides for all parties involved."
Jess: What?
Nick: I didn't read the fine print.
Schmidt: "If one of the undersigned nails said female, well, then all must nail her."
Jess: What?!
Nick: I didn't know there was fine print.
Jess: What, what?!
Nick: I didn't know there was fine...
Jess: Let me be very clear here ... I am a strong, self-sufficient woman, and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, or Nick or Schmidt. Notice I said that twice because I don't feel it's sinking in. There will be no nails or screws or hammers in this building area generally, the whole thing.


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