Daisy: You forgot a condom?
Winston: You got a grocery bag?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Tin foil?
Daisy: No.
Winston: Hand sanitizer?
Daisy: No.
Winston: You got a shower cap and a twist tie?
Daisy: You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex?
Winston: What about a baseball cap that's really small?
Daisy: Are you serious?
Winston: Um, I got quick reflexes. Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay?
Daisy: Okay, well, look, do not waste my time.
Winston: I will be back faster than you can say, "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." Don't-don't say that, though.

Schmidt: Your mouth nailed her mouth.
Jess: For the record, no one nailed my mouth. That's important to me. Also, we didn't do anything wrong.
Schmidt: Do you know nothing about men?
Jess: Yeah, I know nothing about men. That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights.
Schmidt: A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. What fuels men? Competition and sex. That's why the United Nations was formed, that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right.

Nick: Why you holding a box of fish sticks?
Jess: Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick. I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me.

Schmidt: I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone. I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch. I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not?
Nick: I refuse to pay for the wiffi.
Jess: It's WiFi.

Cece: I'm really happy you gave me another shot.
Shivrang: Yeah, so am I. You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends.
Cece: No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, you'd really like them. They are down to earth and chill, no drama.
Jess: Yeah?
Winston: [o.s.] Hey, Cece, it's Winston! You got a rubber?! I need a rubber. [pounding on door]
Cece: He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb" It's so weird.
Winston: Nah, nah, I-I need a condom for my penis!

Schmidt: I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot. Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Oh, damn it! I'm the dumbest boy in school!

Winston: Is everyone in the world having sex but me?! Old people, foreigners, nerds. Everyone's banging. Schmidt and Jess?! Everyone is out there getting and giving except for old Winnie. Look at me... a man who has absolutely nothing. I left my phone, my wallet, and my dignity at Daisy's house. I even left my pants there ... look at this.
Jess: Yum.
Nick: Yum.
Winston: I need a win, damn it, I need a win.

Jess: Schmidt's right. I thought we could go back to the way things were, but we can't. You nailed my mouth... and you nailed it good and hard and strong. Now things have changed.
Nick: Okay, but they don't have to have changed.
Jess: It's just different, Nick, it is.
Nick: That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made ... dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, dumber than when I thought it was pronounced "Brock Omabrama."
Jess: What?
Nick: I thought his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..." It's not...

Jess: Guys, why don't we just all share the spot? We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts.
Schmidt: Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Jess: As the only woman in the loft...
Schmidt: Don't play the lady card.
Jess: I will play the lady card.
Winston: Race card.
Nick: Lazy drunk card.
Schmidt: Deserves-the-spot card.