[flashback:]
Schmidt: Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A. We're going to have so much sex. in the morning, in the afternoon, at bedtime. Mmm, peanuts.
Benjamin: I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna run that town one day... You'll see. I'm gonna write you a check right now for $100 million. How do you like that?
Schmidt: Damn, dude.
Benjamin: And this is a real check. You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome. Give me about four years. Do the song.
Schmidt: [sings] We built this Schmidty
Both: [sing] We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls.
[present:]
Schmidt: If it wasn't for Benjamin, I, I never would have become a Los Angeles baller. Holla. I changed everything about myself, Jess. I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes, I even dropped my voice half an octave, but it wasn't enough. I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess.

[montage:]
Schmidt: Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. Think about what you can do with that. Sex stuff.
Jess: [o.s.] Jar.
Schmidt: Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?
Winston: [o.s.] Jar!
Schmidt: Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?
Nick: [o.s.] Jar!
Schmidt: Darn it! Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?
Schmidt: Hey, Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?
Schmidt: Nick, I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis. Bishop in a turtleneck.
Nick: [o.s.] Ugh! Jar!
Schmidt: Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere.

Jess: Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.
Schmidt: I'm not okay, Jess. I had to cancel my birthday party. It's social suicide. I can feel my it factor going away. And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?
Jess: Why are you so worried about Benjamin? He's your friend.
Schmidt: We have a very weird, girl-style friendship where we kind of hate each other. We're bronemies. He's my fremesis.

Schmidt: Jess, what are you doing? I'm making an egg yellows omelet. The shallots and gouda are going to congeal.

Schmidt: What do you pull down a year in the game?
Martin Fuller: Ever since I started doing full frontal, I pull down seven K a year easy. Why? You interested in the life?
Schmidt: Me? A male stripper? Come on. You're too kind. But you know, theoretically, if I were to get into the game, you know, what are they looking for in the gator department? You know what I mean? Or is it just moving so fast that it doesn't really matter?
Martin Fuller: It's all about storytelling, taking 'em on a journey. Let me ask you some basics. When you thrust, what's your range of motion, side-to-side?
Schmidt: Well, left... right-right.
Martin Fuller: What about your testicles? Are they more or less symmetrical?
Schmidt: Size... yes, location... no.
Martin Fuller: What about your persona?
Schmidt: What? Like a fireman or a cop?
Martin Fuller: I didn't ask you your character. Your persona. I'm a Wolf-Hawk. What are you?
Schmidt: Luxury. Dessert. I'm a warrior poet, man.
Martin Fuller: That's it. I got a number for you to call.
Schmidt: You ever hook up with the ladies?
Martin Fuller: It's ladies, like, one out of ten times at most.
Schmidt: You're dancing for dudes?
Martin Fuller: Yeah, I'm dancing for dudes.

Schmidt: I lost it. I lost the party bus.
Jess: The party bus for your birthday party?
Schmidt: Yeah. Apparently, my business isn't as important as Frankie Muniz's. They canceled my rez. There's nothing I can do. The party's off.
Jess: You should torch them on Yelp. Actually, I can do it. I have an account under the name Fantastic Jacques. He's a French diplomat with very little patience.
Winston: Or you could just get another bus.
Schmidt: In two days? Okay, yeah, sure, Winston. W-Why don't I just go down to the party bus store, where all the party buses have a state-of-the-art sound system, a stripper pole, a love grotto, and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob. You honk the nipple. It's pretty awesome.
Nick: Just have the party at a bar.
Schmidt: Nick, this is it. This is my 29th birthday party. This is the year. After this, I don't know, it's just... just all darkness.

Jess: Okay, I've got it. We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party.
Nick: No.
Jess: Yes, 'cause it's his 29th birthday and we care.
Nick: Jess, Schmidt's world is different than ours. They speak a different language. They shorten every word to one syllable. Okay, he once called an oven an "ovs." He calls an airport "airp."
Winston: He called ketchup "ketch."
Nick: Last month, he went to a party called Bros before Hos on the Moon. What does that even mean? And the dress code was "yacht flair."

Winston: Schmidt has a friend who legally changed his middle name to Doin' It.
Nick: Yeah, Doin' It.
Winston: Just one word: Doinit.
Nick: You are not emotionally, mentally, and spiritually prepared to throw these d-bags a party.

Schmidt: Whoa, Jess, you really did all this for me?
Jess: Okay, so... over here is kosher yogurt and honey.
Schmidt: Kosher yoge?
Jess: We got some condoms over here... small, medium, large, whatever your preference.
Schmidt: Well, I would use...
Jess: I don't want to know. And the R-rated section in the back with the stripper pole. It's normally used for stability, but tonight it's going to be used for $50 worth of semi-nudity.
Schmidt: Coincidentally, I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

Julia: Seriously, I think all of your friends seem completely awesome and nice and fun, so relax.
Nick: You don't have to say that. hey're my friends, you can tease 'em.
Julia: don't want to tease them.
Nick: I tease them all the time, they don't care. Schmidt's a d-bag, you know, but, like, not in a bad way, and, like, Jess is a total nut.
Julia: Oh...
Nick: And Winston is like this competitive maniac who loves Sister, Sister and he's, like, afraid of thunder.