Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Goldmine’ Quotes

New Girl: Goldmine

407. Goldmine

Aired November 11, 2014

Nick pretends to be gay so Jess's new boyfriend doesn't feel uncomfortable with her living with her ex. Meanwhile, Cece considers breast reduction surgery, and Winston hopes his long game with his attractive neighbors will finally pay off.

Quote from Nick

Nick: When I came out, was it flashy? Was it emotional? Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag? Or for what he's doing in his own way-- is it even braver?
Jess: These are all really good questions, but I just can't get my mind off, like, why you dress this way. Why aren't you in better shape?
Nick: Don't put me in a box! There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Jess: Good.
Nick: Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
Jess: That's not a category.
Nick: [loudly] I like rugby for the game and for the men. Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do that gay thing I was telling you about, because, of course, I'm gay as hell. [Jess laughs] Bye.
Jess: [whispers] That's not how gay men talk.
Nick: [whispers] I am shattering stereotypes.

Rate

Quote from Nick

Nick: Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
Ian: Well, you know women.
Nick: What's women? [laughs] Am I right?
Ian: "What's women?"
Nick: [chuckles] I just don't know them like you know them, is my point.
Ian: Uh-huh. Uh, so, what kind of guys do you like to date?
Nick: Me? All kinds. Yeah. Hunks. If I can get my, uh, paws on a hunk, I don't let go. Uh, ripped nerds. 'Cause they're smart but strong, I guess.
Ian: Uh-huh.
Nick: I like Spanish guys. Throw in a little, uh, hint of German in there, there's a perfect combo.
Ian: Okay.
Nick: Certain ice cream men, I guess. Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys. Uh, we in the gay community call them "drowsers."
Ian: Why would you like a sleepy guy?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: All right, let me see the new. I accept it.
Cece: Again, it was just a consultation. And actually, I don't even know if I'm gonna go through with it.
Schmidt: You're still here. I saved you. I'm your Schindler. One day, your children are gonna put rocks on my grave.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Look... I'm so out of the game-- I'm in a relationship. Um... he's got a nice penis.
Ian: You're sweating a lot.
Nick: That's what he said! Am I right? [laughs] I'm a sweaty lover, is what he says to me.
Ian: Okay, you know, you really don't seem gay. I don't buy it.
Schmidt: Hey.
Nick: Not now.
Schmidt: Probably wondering why I didn't come home last night. Just needed some space to process this whole thing. I'm sorry if our room felt empty.
Nick: [sighs] Well, it did. I was really worried about you. So where were you? You owe me that much.
Schmidt: I just went walking on the streets last night. I needed to come to terms with all this. Ended up in a park. I know that's stupid, but I promise I was careful. I mean, I was totally safe.
Nick: A park?
Schmidt: I don't know, man.
Nick: Hey, I'm upset... but I understand. It's okay. Come here. Come here. There, there.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Acceptance. Wow.
Nick: Yeah. Give me a kiss. Just give me a kiss. All right? [Nick kisses Schmidt]
Schmidt: I felt like you needed that more than I did. [sighs] Your scruff, by the way, is perfect. Don't touch your beard trimming setting.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied, and you don't owe me anything, but could I just ask you one thing before you leave?
Ian: What is this, an exit interview?
Jess: Is there any good way I could have told you about my living situation?
Ian: Okay, you know what? Fair question. Um... no!
Jess: Look, Nick was just trying to help me.
Ian: Clearly, he would do anything for you. I mean, he went so far as to hire an actual gay man to play his cheating lover.
Jess: What? Oh, my God. You know what? I think that was Schmidt. He's... not gay.
Ian: When are the lies gonna stop?!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, look, I know I can't stop this, and I accept that, but I just wanted to stop it long enough so that I could say good-bye.
Cece: Aw. Look, this is a low-risk procedure, okay? I'm gonna be fine. Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs. I forgot who I was talking to. No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.
Schmidt: I need to look them in the eyes. I can't let them leave without knowing how much they've meant to me.
Cece: I'll let them know.
Schmidt: No. I need to tell them myself.
Cece: [groans] All right... you can say good-bye to one, all right?
Schmidt: I mean, j-just one?
Cece: One.
Schmidt: [sighs] Gosh almighty. The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho. I mean, there's Harold, who's just... full of life... [Cece groans] And Kumar, who's shy. Who's shy, but yet surprisingly so brave. But, you know, who wouldn't be with a best friend like Harold?
Cece: Oh, my God, fine! You can say good-bye to both, okay?
Schmidt: Okay. I need you to put these on.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: This is a private conversation that doesn't concern you. The playlist... matches the mood.
[Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing]
Schmidt: I mean, I guess if I'm being honest, it doesn't matter what size you are. I'm always gonna love you, because you're attached to the most beautiful person in the whole world.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What?!
Nick: I wanted to be gay for you, I really did, but it's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out!
Jess: Are you blaming autumn?

Quote from Nick

Jess: All I'm saying is that, somehow, Ian is even more mature than you are. And that's why I think he'll understand when I tell him in a mature adult way, I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about.
Nick: Can I suggest a tweak?
Jess: Fine.
Nick: "I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about because he's gay now."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he has weeks to live."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he's already dead."
Jess: What?
Nick: Then I'll act like a ghost.

Quote from Cece

Jess: I'm happy to lend you a bra, but I don't think I have anything that would fit you. That's the Peter Pan. That'll smash 'em down good, but you'll never get those in there.
Cece: I know. I just wanted to see what it would feel like to be your size.
Jess: Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday? Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.
Cece: I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women in my family have back trouble, you know? [groans] So, now that I have insurance, though, I was thinking maybe I could have, like, breast reduction surgery.
Schmidt: [o.s.] No! [frantic knocking]
Jess: I wonder who this is.
Schmidt: What?

Quote from Winston

Jess: Gentlemen, three months ago, I bravely re-entered the dating pool. And how has this city rewarded me? With an endless parade of weirdo ass clowns. Hard to say who was the worst.
Schmidt: Comedy magician.
Coach: No, it's the guy with the little ding-ding.
Winston: The lion tamer.
Jess: Never went out with a lion tamer.
Winston: Then I am having some vivid dreams.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: It's a boob reduction, Schmidt. Just accept it.
Schmidt: Acceptance is stage five. I'm grieving, Cece. There are five stages of grief. Stage one was denial.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: This is not happening, this is not happening.
Cece: Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
Schmidt: You're not getting a boob reduction.
Cece: Yes, I am.
Schmidt: This is not happening.
Cece: Yes, it is.
[present:]
Schmidt: Stage two was anger.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Your breasts belong to all of us!
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: Who are you to decide?!
[present:]
Schmidt: Next will be stage four, depression. And then stage five, acceptance. But right now, I'm firmly planted in stage three, bargaining. Dear God, if you stop Cece's breast reduction...
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: I'll circumcise Coach.

Quote from Nick

Jess: All right, look, you stay here and keep your gay warm, okay? In case Ian comes back. Also, can we agree that this is not the most mature way to handle things? Even though it's pretty fun.
Nick: It's no fun a couple Bellinis and a round of apples to apples can't solve.
Jess: What kind of gay are you?
Nick: I'm still finding it.
Jess: All right.

Quote from Jess

Jess: The point is, Ian has asked me out on a third date.
Coach: Ooh.
Jess: And this is the biggest compliment I could give: I want to go. Because I like him.
Winston: Boo.
Coach: That's not a reason.
Jess: And, frankly, it's been a while. And the third date is where [sings] Mama gets her biscuit. [chuckles] Mama gets her biscuit.
Schmidt: I don't understand.
Jess: It's sex.
Coach: Oh!
Winston: Yeah!
Coach: Now, that's a reason!
Jess: Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight, so let's keep those toilets flushed. That means stick around. Take a second look.

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: How'd you tell Ian about the fun surprise that you still live with your ex?
Nick: All right.
Jess: Well, I haven't told him yet. Uh, tricky conversation. I'm thinking of something simple like, "Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."
Coach: No. No, no. When a guy hears that, he is going to run through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Winston: Here's a fun idea. You can put a hat on him with antlers. This way, the hole he makes in the wall will make us all smile.

Quote from Winston

Coach: Anything for me?
Winston: Oh, no, this isn't our mail. This is our neighbors' mail. You see, Viv likes it alphabetized. Yet Michelle likes it according to size. (chuckles) Hashtag "go figure," right? Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"
Coach: I want to choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head. Those girls are not going to sleep with you. They are hot. And nothing is less hot than a male secretary.
Winston: [imitates record scratching] What? I think somebody needs to take a good long look at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. Dude's eyes are so pouchy, he can barely see anything, and he's still killing it.
Coach: Girls don't have sex with guys who sort their mail.
Winston: Look, I am playing the long game here, Coach, weaving myself into the fabric of their lives. Pretty soon I'll be as permanent as the will that I helped them draw up.

Quote from Coach

Winston: Whoa, Coach. Go out with them tonight? Doesn't make any sense, man. And compromise the long game? Ha. Not until I replace their rocker switches with dimmers.
Coach: Forget your long game, Winston! Getting a girl to have sex with you is not about planning ahead. It is about seizing opportunities that you never saw coming. It is instinct. All right? It is improv. It is jazz, man. But with words. You dig? And the words are, "Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..." [scatting loudly]

Quote from Nick

Nick: My perfect Sunday-- sitting here, watching the game, eating a pot pie with a hot dude with no shirt on, on my lap kissing me.
Ian: Right on, man.
Nick: Right on, man. [they fist bump]
Ian: All right.
Jess: You got it.
Nick: [imitates explosion]

Quote from Nick

Jess: Do you think you can play a gay man?
Nick: I'm terrible at lying, I'm terrific at make-believe.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Okay? But I need to know some backstory 'cause it's very important to me.
Jess: Okay. Yeah, backstory's important.
Nick: Okay. Tell me, have I always known I was gay, or did I just recently realize it?
Jess: That's-- Um, you-you always knew you were gay, but you grew up in an oil town where masculinity was the most valued currency. Um, you-you had an older brother named Chip.
Nick: And Chip was a union guy.
Jess: Yes.
Nick: And if it wasn't about Teamster Local 11, Chip didn't want to hear about it.
Jess: Oh, my God, we're doing this.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: What is he...? What are you doing, man?
Schmidt: [holding two small, mandarin oranges] Is this...? Is this the fut... the future? I can hold them both in one hand.
Coach: Yeah, man.
Schmidt: [sighs] No, no, there it is. Look at that. Stage four-- depression. My two best friends are going away. Going away far too soon. And if you were lucky enough to meet them, to touch them, to be touched by them, you came away a better person. If you'll excuse me.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I just cried on my penis while I was peeing.
Coach: Whoa.
Schmidt: That happened. I just can't stop thinking about them. [sighs] You know, there are some people that are gonna say that they... they look alike. That they're exactly the same. And you know what? They just don't know them like I know them. Truth-truth be told? One of them... One of them is slightly more brown than the other. And they're so unique, and they're so special. You know what I'm gonna miss most about them? Watching them bounce. Watching them... Watching them bounce.
[As Schmit walks aways, Coach and Winston start to bounce]


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode