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Season 4, Episode 7 -  Aired November 11, 2014

Nick pretends to be gay so Jess's new boyfriend doesn't feel uncomfortable with her living with her ex. Meanwhile, Cece considers breast reduction surgery, and Winston hopes his long game with his attractive neighbors will finally pay off.

Quote from Nick

Nick: When I came out, was it flashy? Was it emotional? Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag? Or for what he's doing in his own way-- is it even braver?
Jess: These are all really good questions, but I just can't get my mind off, like, why you dress this way. Why aren't you in better shape?
Nick: Don't put me in a box! There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Jess: Good.
Nick: Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
Jess: That's not a category.
Nick: [loudly] I like rugby for the game and for the men. Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do that gay thing I was telling you about, because, of course, I'm gay as hell. [Jess laughs] Bye.
Jess: [whispers] That's not how gay men talk.
Nick: [whispers] I am shattering stereotypes.


Quote from Nick

Nick: Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
Ian: Well, you know women.
Nick: What's women? [laughs] Am I right?
Ian: "What's women?"
Nick: [chuckles] I just don't know them like you know them, is my point.
Ian: Uh-huh. Uh, so, what kind of guys do you like to date?
Nick: Me? All kinds. Yeah. Hunks. If I can get my, uh, paws on a hunk, I don't let go. Uh, ripped nerds. 'Cause they're smart but strong, I guess.
Ian: Uh-huh.
Nick: I like Spanish guys. Throw in a little, uh, hint of German in there, there's a perfect combo.
Ian: Okay.
Nick: Certain ice cream men, I guess. Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys. Uh, we in the gay community call them "drowsers."
Ian: Why would you like a sleepy guy?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: All right, let me see the new. I accept it.
Cece: Again, it was just a consultation. And actually, I don't even know if I'm gonna go through with it.
Schmidt: You're still here. I saved you. I'm your Schindler. One day, your children are gonna put rocks on my grave.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Look... I'm so out of the game-- I'm in a relationship. Um... he's got a nice penis.
Ian: You're sweating a lot.
Nick: That's what he said! Am I right? [laughs] I'm a sweaty lover, is what he says to me.
Ian: Okay, you know, you really don't seem gay. I don't buy it.
Schmidt: Hey.
Nick: Not now.
Schmidt: Probably wondering why I didn't come home last night. Just needed some space to process this whole thing. I'm sorry if our room felt empty.
Nick: [sighs] Well, it did. I was really worried about you. So where were you? You owe me that much.
Schmidt: I just went walking on the streets last night. I needed to come to terms with all this. Ended up in a park. I know that's stupid, but I promise I was careful. I mean, I was totally safe.
Nick: A park?
Schmidt: I don't know, man.
Nick: Hey, I'm upset... but I understand. It's okay. Come here. Come here. There, there.
Schmidt: Thanks.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Acceptance. Wow.
Nick: Yeah. Give me a kiss. Just give me a kiss. All right? [Nick kisses Schmidt]
Schmidt: I felt like you needed that more than I did. [sighs] Your scruff, by the way, is perfect. Don't touch your beard trimming setting.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied, and you don't owe me anything, but could I just ask you one thing before you leave?
Ian: What is this, an exit interview?
Jess: Is there any good way I could have told you about my living situation?
Ian: Okay, you know what? Fair question. Um... no!
Jess: Look, Nick was just trying to help me.
Ian: Clearly, he would do anything for you. I mean, he went so far as to hire an actual gay man to play his cheating lover.
Jess: What? Oh, my God. You know what? I think that was Schmidt. He's... not gay.
Ian: When are the lies gonna stop?!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, look, I know I can't stop this, and I accept that, but I just wanted to stop it long enough so that I could say good-bye.
Cece: Aw. Look, this is a low-risk procedure, okay? I'm gonna be fine. Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs. I forgot who I was talking to. No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.
Schmidt: I need to look them in the eyes. I can't let them leave without knowing how much they've meant to me.
Cece: I'll let them know.
Schmidt: No. I need to tell them myself.
Cece: [groans] All right... you can say good-bye to one, all right?
Schmidt: I mean, j-just one?
Cece: One.
Schmidt: [sighs] Gosh almighty. The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho. I mean, there's Harold, who's just... full of life... [Cece groans] And Kumar, who's shy. Who's shy, but yet surprisingly so brave. But, you know, who wouldn't be with a best friend like Harold?
Cece: Oh, my God, fine! You can say good-bye to both, okay?
Schmidt: Okay. I need you to put these on.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: This is a private conversation that doesn't concern you. The playlist... matches the mood.
[Pachelbel's "Canon in D" playing]
Schmidt: I mean, I guess if I'm being honest, it doesn't matter what size you are. I'm always gonna love you, because you're attached to the most beautiful person in the whole world.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What?!
Nick: I wanted to be gay for you, I really did, but it's a very hard time to be gay. Girls are wearing scarves and boots. They have so many layers to them. What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out!
Jess: Are you blaming autumn?

Quote from Nick

Jess: All I'm saying is that, somehow, Ian is even more mature than you are. And that's why I think he'll understand when I tell him in a mature adult way, I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about.
Nick: Can I suggest a tweak?
Jess: Fine.
Nick: "I live with my ex, but there's nothing to worry about because he's gay now."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he has weeks to live."
Jess: No.
Nick: "Because he's already dead."
Jess: What?
Nick: Then I'll act like a ghost.

Quote from Cece

Jess: I'm happy to lend you a bra, but I don't think I have anything that would fit you. That's the Peter Pan. That'll smash 'em down good, but you'll never get those in there.
Cece: I know. I just wanted to see what it would feel like to be your size.
Jess: Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday? Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.
Cece: I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women in my family have back trouble, you know? [groans] So, now that I have insurance, though, I was thinking maybe I could have, like, breast reduction surgery.
Schmidt: [o.s.] No! [frantic knocking]
Jess: I wonder who this is.
Schmidt: What?

Quote from Winston

Jess: Gentlemen, three months ago, I bravely re-entered the dating pool. And how has this city rewarded me? With an endless parade of weirdo ass clowns. Hard to say who was the worst.
Schmidt: Comedy magician.
Coach: No, it's the guy with the little ding-ding.
Winston: The lion tamer.
Jess: Never went out with a lion tamer.
Winston: Then I am having some vivid dreams.

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