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‘Swuit’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Swuit

414. Swuit

Aired February 3, 2015

Nick and Schmidt team up on a business project. Meanwhile, Winston and Coach decide to support Cece's education.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: And time! All right. Let's see what you got. "I am the Karduthian champion of... of dance." "Beer bread."
Nick: Beard bread. Bread that is in your beard.
Schmidt: That's an... that's an invention? Or is that just something that happens to you? You think Hewlett had to put up with this crap from Packard? Again.
Nick: Oh, now I'm Packard? Enough!
Schmidt: You can't come up with a good idea being all loosey-goosey.
Nick: Why don't you tell that to Howard Hughes, the inventor of the Loose Goose?
Schmidt: That was the Spruce Goose, and it didn't work!
Nick: It did work! It flew for over a mile at an altitude of 72 feet!
Schmidt: How on Earth do you know that information and not know the name of it?

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, check it out. I'm a campus cutie.
Cece: No, you are not.
Winston: What are we learning?
Cece: Shh! I am studying Postwar British Art History.
Coach: What?
Winston: Post Br-British who? What's that?
Coach: That's just a bunch of words that mean "Screw you, investors." What else you taking?
Cece: Intro to Afrikaans.
Coach: What else? Astronomy 101?
Cece: That's next semester.
Coach: Wow.
Winston: What you gonna do, Cece, join the South African space program and be the first woman to put a David Hockney painting on the moon? Who is David Hockney?

Quote from Winston

Coach: This is an investment. Nick and Schmidt are looking for investors, so we thought it would be fun if we got into investing, too.
Coach: You're smart, you're driven. We are confident in a very robust ROI.
Winston: ROI means "Return on Investment."
Cece: I know what it stands for.
Winston: I've been reading a lot of Schmidt's investment books in the toilet. Life hack: the toilet paper makes for a very, very handy bookmark.
Coach: Life hack: read your phone on the toilet like everybody else.
Winston: Ooh.

Quote from Jess

Jess: This is exciting. I feel like I'm in the garage at Cupertino.

Quote from Winston

Winston: This sounds like the video in middle school that taught me about periods.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I don't want to stick my nose in someone else's rose, but what I'm hearing is two very passionate partners with two totally different approaches.
Nick: You hit the nail right on the head!
Schmidt: That is a correct assessment of what is going on right now.
Nick: And thank you for breakfast!
Schmidt: I'm gonna shove this bacon right in my mouth and savor it for life.
Nick: That omelette was so delicious!
Jess: You know what, you guys are saying really nice things to me, but you're both shouting...
Schmidt: Such a delicious omelette!
Nick: The presentation's fantastic!
Schmidt: One of the most delicious things I've ever had. You've outdone yourself.
Nick: Definitely appreciated!

Quote from Winston

Jess: All they care about is who's the boss.
Winston: Of course that's all they care about, Jess. It's a guy thing. It's in our DNA. Look, Nick's not gonna let Schmidt boss him around, and vice versa. Don't get me started on the male power dynamic. I will talk your ear off.
Jess: They're being such dudes right now. It's, like, all about who's got the bigger you-know-what.
Winston: Oh, I do know what.
Jess: Yeah. Yeah. What can we do to make them collaborate?
Winston: You can eliminate their you-know-whats. [off Jess's look] That was a joke.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Look, that's very sweet, but the last thing I want is charity, okay? And don't tell Jess, because she just goes nuts anytime she thinks I need money.
[flashback:]
Cece: So I don't think I can afford to go home for my aunt's birthday.
Jess: You need money? I'm selling my hair!

Quote from Coach

Winston: We got to do something.
Coach: Winston, for the first time in my life, I'm not 100% broke, and you want me to give my money away? No, sir. She said she didn't want charity. I ain't giving it to her. [off WIinston's look] Oh, crap. Am I stuck doing another thing with you again? It's a classic Winston and Coach mess-around!
Coach: All right. But don't say that.
Winston: What if I put your name first?
Coach: Let me hear it.
Winston: It's a classic Coach and Winston mess-around.
Coach: Regardless, I don't like it.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Maybe you could back off a little, since Nick's been having, you know, man problems.
Schmidt: "Man problems"?
Jess: Man problems.
[cutting back and forth:]
Nick: Are we talking a clog or a leak?
Schmidt: He's got the wet Tuesdays?
Nick: You think it's 'cause of his tight denim pants?
Schmidt: Did the squirrels get to the tulip bulbs?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm going to that pitch meeting tomorrow with Lori Greiner without you. You know why? Because a boss never breaks appointments.
Nick: You think I was born in the middle of the afternoon? You're gonna go into that pitch and take all the credit?
Schmidt: Fine, go to that pitch together, and then me and you, we're done.
Nick: Fine, I'm done with you.
Schmidt: Don't speak to me until bedtime.
Nick: If you think we're gonna have a bedtime chat, you're out of your mind.
Schmidt: We'll lay in beds, and we'll just over the day together like we usually do and that's it!
Nick: No. Fine, we'll do that for a little bit. That's it.
Schmidt: That's it.
Nick: Here, take it. I don't even need it anymore. Bedtime chat's gonna be so short, you won't believe it.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: And, by the way, stay out of my way in there. I'm about to blow the roof off of this thing with a little something I like to call the "Seven S's."
Nick: I bet you don't have any more than four.
Schmidt: Yeah? Watch me.
Nick: Go ahead.
Schmidt: Strategy, sizzle, Schmidt, sex...
Nick: Go on.
Schmidt: Stop interrupting me. I got... I got more. Salesmanship. Something. Synergy. Boom. Nailed it.
Nick: Damn it.
Schmidt: That's seven... How you like me now?

Quote from Winston

Professor Dust: Excuse me, can I help you?
Cece: No, no, we're okay, sorry. We're okay, we're...
Coach: Yes, can you please, um, tell my investment here that she can't make any money with art history.
Professor Dust: That's not true. Last year I made almost $22,000, and my life is very hard.
Coach: You see that? You should be studying to become a doctor. They make good money, they get respect. Paging Dr. Cece.
Winston: A doctor? We wouldn't see a penny for at least 12 years. Here's what you should be focused on, okay? Something with a low risk, high reward, and that thing...
Coach: Do not say hotel management.
Winston: Hotel management.
Coach: Oh, my gosh.
Winston: Look, man, it is a secure living and it's great way to meet people.
Professor Dust: Do you mind... telling me where I might find more information on hotel management?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Sorry. Sorry to interrupt. Gentlemen, your prototype.
Lori Greiner: Wait, what are you wearing?
Jess: This? This is the Swuit! It's a suit made entirely of sweat suit material. It was invented by Nick and Schmidt, and like them, it's the perfect combination. That one over there, he's all creativity and ideas.
Nick: Thoughts and notions.
Jess: And this one's all data and numbers.
Schmidt: Six.
Nick: He can just keep going.
Jess: The Swuit goes from day to night and night to play.
Schmidt: Take my friend Nick here for example. I mean, this is a man who would wear sweatpants to his wedding.
Nick: I now pronounce me comfortable.

Quote from Cece

Winston: Wow, that is some serious shade. I guess we deserve that.
Cece: Yep.
Coach: Cece, look, I know I got carried away with the whole investing thing. So... I'm sorry.
Schmidt: Ooh, an Afrikaans dictionary.
Coach: Yeah, it was not easy to find. Read the inside cover.
Cece: "Whatever drawings you talk about, always shoot for the stars. Winston and Coach." It's very sweet, guys. Thank you.
Schmidt: That makes zero sense.
Cece: I know, it makes no sense.

Quote from Coach

Cece: I need bigger tips. They're raising my college tuition, and if I don't come up with the money by Friday, I got to drop out. So I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Winston: Wow, Cece, look. I mean, we're your friends. If you want, I can give you money.
Coach: [muttering] You can give her money. I ain't giving her a damn thing...
Winston: I think what Coach is trying to say is that he will also give you money.

Quote from Nick

[title: "Schnick Industries, fifteen years ago":]
Younger Nick: You know how a computer is this big. What if a computer was... this big? The size of a man's hand. And had a camera in it, and you can take self pictures, and it also had a phone. So you can store it easily. It's kind of a good idea. [chuckles]
Younger Schmidt: Draw it up by noon.
Younger Nick: Quit bossing me around.
Younger Schmidt: This makes me impatient. And it makes me also so furious.
Younger Nick: I need... 45 minutes away from you. And then we can be best friends again. Don't follow me out.

Quote from Schmidt

[title: "Schnick industries, present day":]
Nick: So, as you guys know, Schmidt and I are business partners. We've been working on an idea we're very excited about. We e-mailed our plans to a guy in China, and the prototype is here.
Schmidt: And... we've got a pitch meeting set up with Lori Greiner.
Jess: From QVC?
Nick: That the one.
Schmidt: That's right. You know, Fawn and I were paired with her in a charity golf tournament. You know, they laughed at me for playing the ladies' tees, but it paid off.
Jess: She's a shark.
Winston: Ha! A shark golfing. [whoops] Now I'd buy that T-shirt.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Friends, imagine yourself in this scenario. You're at the local gymnasia. You're schvitzing up a storm. Suddenly, you get a text message. There's an emergency wedding down at the town hall.
Nick: But what'll I wear? I mean, I'm sweating at the gym.
Jess: Huh, I don't know what's going on. I love this.
Schmidt: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you...
Nick: Game time!
Both: The Swuit!
Coach: Ugh.
Schmidt: The Swuit. The Swuit. It's a suit made entirely of sweat suit material.
Nick: Well?
Schmidt: This is it?
Nick: What do you guys think?
Schmidt: This looks like garbage. It looks like garbage.
Nick: I don't think it looks like... relax.
Schmidt: Nick, it looks like garb... It's embarrassing. Put it away.
Nick: The bottoms aren't great, but the top...

Quote from Jess

Jess: Well, I like it. I mean, I like you guys.
Nick: All right, I'm gonna go throw this out.
Jess: No, don't throw it away!
Nick: Why, you want to wear it?
Jess: [laughs] No. No, no, no, no. No.
Coach: He said, "Do you want to wear it?"
Jess: No, I just... I think... I was gonna put it in the Goodwill bin at school.
Coach: As lining for the bottom.

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