Schmidt: And time! All right. Let's see what you got. "I am the Karduthian champion of... of dance." "Beer bread."
Nick: Beard bread. Bread that is in your beard.
Schmidt: That's an... that's an invention? Or is that just something that happens to you? You think Hewlett had to put up with this crap from Packard? Again.
Nick: Oh, now I'm Packard? Enough!
Schmidt: You can't come up with a good idea being all loosey-goosey.
Nick: Why don't you tell that to Howard Hughes, the inventor of the Loose Goose?
Schmidt: That was the Spruce Goose, and it didn't work!
Nick: It did work! It flew for over a mile at an altitude of 72 feet!
Schmidt: How on Earth do you know that information and not know the name of it?

Winston: Hey, check it out. I'm a campus cutie.
Cece: No, you are not.
Winston: What are we learning?
Cece: Shh! I am studying Postwar British Art History.
Coach: What?
Winston: Post Br-British who? What's that?
Coach: That's just a bunch of words that mean "Screw you, investors." What else you taking?
Cece: Intro to Afrikaans.
Coach: What else? Astronomy 101?
Cece: That's next semester.
Coach: Wow.
Winston: What you gonna do, Cece, join the South African space program and be the first woman to put a David Hockney painting on the moon? Who is David Hockney?

Coach: This is an investment. Nick and Schmidt are looking for investors, so we thought it would be fun if we got into investing, too.
Coach: You're smart, you're driven. We are confident in a very robust ROI.
Winston: ROI means "Return on Investment."
Cece: I know what it stands for.
Winston: I've been reading a lot of Schmidt's investment books in the toilet. Life hack: the toilet paper makes for a very, very handy bookmark.
Coach: Life hack: read your phone on the toilet like everybody else.
Winston: Ooh.

Jess: This is exciting. I feel like I'm in the garage at Cupertino.

Winston: This sounds like the video in middle school that taught me about periods.

Jess: I don't want to stick my nose in someone else's rose, but what I'm hearing is two very passionate partners with two totally different approaches.
Nick: You hit the nail right on the head!
Schmidt: That is a correct assessment of what is going on right now.
Nick: And thank you for breakfast!
Schmidt: I'm gonna shove this bacon right in my mouth and savor it for life.
Nick: That omelette was so delicious!
Jess: You know what, you guys are saying really nice things to me, but you're both shouting...
Schmidt: Such a delicious omelette!
Nick: The presentation's fantastic!
Schmidt: One of the most delicious things I've ever had. You've outdone yourself.
Nick: Definitely appreciated!

Jess: All they care about is who's the boss.
Winston: Of course that's all they care about, Jess. It's a guy thing. It's in our DNA. Look, Nick's not gonna let Schmidt boss him around, and vice versa. Don't get me started on the male power dynamic. I will talk your ear off.
Jess: They're being such dudes right now. It's, like, all about who's got the bigger you-know-what.
Winston: Oh, I do know what.
Jess: Yeah. Yeah. What can we do to make them collaborate?
Winston: You can eliminate their you-know-whats. [off Jess's look] That was a joke.

Cece: Look, that's very sweet, but the last thing I want is charity, okay? And don't tell Jess, because she just goes nuts anytime she thinks I need money.
[flashback:]
Cece: So I don't think I can afford to go home for my aunt's birthday.
Jess: You need money? I'm selling my hair!

Jess: Maybe you could back off a little, since Nick's been having, you know, man problems.
Schmidt: "Man problems"?
Jess: Man problems.
[cutting back and forth:]
Nick: Are we talking a clog or a leak?
Schmidt: He's got the wet Tuesdays?
Nick: You think it's 'cause of his tight denim pants?
Schmidt: Did the squirrels get to the tulip bulbs?

Schmidt: I'm going to that pitch meeting tomorrow with Lori Greiner without you. You know why? Because a boss never breaks appointments.
Nick: You think I was born in the middle of the afternoon? You're gonna go into that pitch and take all the credit?
Schmidt: Fine, go to that pitch together, and then me and you, we're done.
Nick: Fine, I'm done with you.
Schmidt: Don't speak to me until bedtime.
Nick: If you think we're gonna have a bedtime chat, you're out of your mind.
Schmidt: We'll lay in beds, and we'll just over the day together like we usually do and that's it!
Nick: No. Fine, we'll do that for a little bit. That's it.
Schmidt: That's it.
Nick: Here, take it. I don't even need it anymore. Bedtime chat's gonna be so short, you won't believe it.