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‘Dice’ Quotes

New Girl: Dice

402. Dice

Aired September 23, 2014

Jess seeks Schmidt's help when she joins a dating site. Meanwhile, Nick, Cece and Coach get high before being invited to a party held by Winston's cop buddies.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Dice is a dating app.
Jess: Dating app.
Schmidt: It's not for you.
Jess: What? Schmidty. Come on. I've Internet dated before. You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.
Schmidt: You are just describing e-mailing.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The hell is that? What is that noise? [ringtone playing]
Nick: Your cellular technology.
Schmidt: I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: And that is why... No matter how tricked out it is... You never get into a van.
Jess: "No van."
Schmidt: Okay, moving on. Classic warning signs. Now, last night, the crazy man said he needed to meet you near his house. What he was really saying was, "I expect tonight to end in sex."
Jess: Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets.
Schmidt: Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, man, I'm in the locker room, and I see a spider, and I'm like, "I hope this is Charlotte's Web and you're nice." [silence] You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon. The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. So that was sad. That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. [to himself] Where are my dogs?

Quote from Jess

[montage:]
Bradley: I'm not gay, but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan.
Jess: A prominent U.S. senator is trying to contact me.
Steve: You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch.
Jess: An important document has gone missing. I need to find it.
Sebastian: I've been getting into a lot of fist fights lately. Like, a lot. More than usual. But, you know, I'm kind of enjoying them now.
Jess: I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy.
Normal Guy: Jess?
Jess: Nope, not Jess. [to Schmidt] Velcro shoes, pervert.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: We're celebrating... Me and you. Jess, you can have whatever you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, Tikka Masala. A raw bar. This place is doing too much. They can't be doing all this right.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Okay, now. New account. I am... Darn tootin' fun. DTF. Seeks same. I'm Dicing.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my lounge-around underwear.
Schmidt: I set you up on ten dates.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Ten years of experience in one day. Expert by midnight. The Dice Diez. "Diez" is Spanish for ten.
Jess: Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. That's like taking a musical from rehearsals straight to Broadway. You got to workshop it first...
Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical... How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What's wrong with you?
Jess: I just don't understand how what we did today is gonna help me find love.
Schmidt: Love? Well, why would you want to fall in love?
Jess: Why else would I go on dates?
Schmidt: The point of dating is just to keep on dating, and then never stop. It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? He looked nice in his picture. The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? He asked me to the food court near his house. I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that. He didn't bring any money, so we had to go back to his apartment. And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. [groans] Maybe I'm not ready for Dice. Will you just help me, please? I want to get back out there. I have to... I need to get back out there. And I know I'm gullible. 'Cause people tell me that, and I have no reason not to believe them. Teach me to Dice.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Now, you're on Dice and this hunk shows up.
Jess: Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.
Schmidt: Don't ever do that again.
Jess: Okay.
Schmidt: So you find this man. He looks like a Hemsworth, if you will. He swipes down, you swipe down, you guys set a date. I show up. Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele.
Jess: Hi, Jack.
Schmidt: [buzzing] Wrong.
Jess: Is that our Taboo buzzer?
Schmidt: Not important. Why did I buzz?
Jess: Do you think you could just return it to the box when you're done?
Schmidt: The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person. Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. I am a rugged Semitic prince.
Jess: I thought we were role playing.
Schmidt: Role playing? What about this feels like a game to you? [buzzing]

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Ooh, I got a Dice match. Jacob. He has dreamy eyes. Them's joint bank account eyes.
Schmidt: Okay, if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically.
Jess: Well, I have a good feeling about this guy.
Schmidt: Okay.
Jess: I'm gonna ask him out. [Schmidt throws her phone] Hey.
Schmidt: You're not ready yet. I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. I'm sure you have the protection plan.
Jess: I do have the...
Schmidt: [buzzing] Never get the protection plan!

Quote from Nick

Coach: You guys are way too messed up to be going.
Nick: You're not an expert. I am. Nobody knows we're stoned. If we didn't go, then they would know.
Coach: You're saying that be... if we don't go to the party, they're gonna think that we're high.
Nick: Oh, the guy who's never done weed. That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." You don't "do weed." That's a test.
Coach: You said it.
Nick: Listen to me, first order of business, we eat their food.
Coach: Okay.
Nick: Then you look at the pool.
Coach: "Aw, what a great pool. I wish... I wish I could dive for rings."
Nick: Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. Um, I was just thinking of this impression. [clicks mouth] Who am I doing? [clicks mouth] Who am I doing?
Coach: Al Pacino?
Nick: Maybe. So, then, you get home, you eat some pizza... Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, first test. Now, I'm gonna say something, and you tell me what's really being said. "Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now."
Jess: "I like to travel."
Schmidt: [buzzing] Homeless. Pervert. "Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman."
Jess: Oh. "I love my mother."
Schmidt: [buzzing] Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. "I kind of prefer public transportation."
Jess: Oh. Earth-conscious.
Schmidt: [buzzing] Multiple DUIs. [buzzing] Pervert.

Quote from Winston

Winston: All right, now, remember, y'all are my dogs, okay? So just stay by my side and make me look cool. If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark. [laughs] I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay?

Quote from Cece

Cece: And now I'm a model and a bartender. But I... I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life. I'm so sorry. What was your question again?
Cadet: I didn't ask you anything. You just walked up and started talking.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. Here, take a look at those.
Jess: I've got hockey practice?
Schmidt: Sure.
Jess: My boss is trying to contact me about a project that could save the company.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Schmidt, these are such obvious rejections. I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Schmidt: Hurt their feel... Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings?
Jess: Yeah. Don't you?
Schmidt: No. How do you get anything done?
Jess: It's hard.


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