Schmidt: Dice is a dating app.
Jess: Dating app.
Schmidt: It's not for you.
Jess: What? Schmidty. Come on. I've Internet dated before. You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.
Schmidt: You are just describing e-mailing.

Schmidt: The hell is that? What is that noise? [ringtone playing]
Nick: Your cellular technology.
Schmidt: I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years.

Schmidt: And that is why... No matter how tricked out it is... You never get into a van.
Jess: "No van."
Schmidt: Okay, moving on. Classic warning signs. Now, last night, the crazy man said he needed to meet you near his house. What he was really saying was, "I expect tonight to end in sex."
Jess: Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets.
Schmidt: Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.

Winston: So, man, I'm in the locker room, and I see a spider, and I'm like, "I hope this is Charlotte's Web and you're nice." [silence] You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon. The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. So that was sad. That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. [to himself] Where are my dogs?

[montage:]
Bradley: I'm not gay, but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan.
Jess: A prominent U.S. senator is trying to contact me.
Steve: You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch.
Jess: An important document has gone missing. I need to find it.
Sebastian: I've been getting into a lot of fist fights lately. Like, a lot. More than usual. But, you know, I'm kind of enjoying them now.
Jess: I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy.
Normal Guy: Jess?
Jess: Nope, not Jess. [to Schmidt] Velcro shoes, pervert.

Schmidt: We're celebrating... Me and you. Jess, you can have whatever you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, Tikka Masala. A raw bar. This place is doing too much. They can't be doing all this right.

Jess: Okay, now. New account. I am... Darn tootin' fun. DTF. Seeks same. I'm Dicing.

Jess: You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my lounge-around underwear.
Schmidt: I set you up on ten dates.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Ten years of experience in one day. Expert by midnight. The Dice Diez. "Diez" is Spanish for ten.
Jess: Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. That's like taking a musical from rehearsals straight to Broadway. You got to workshop it first...
Schmidt: If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical... How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here.

Schmidt: What's wrong with you?
Jess: I just don't understand how what we did today is gonna help me find love.
Schmidt: Love? Well, why would you want to fall in love?
Jess: Why else would I go on dates?
Schmidt: The point of dating is just to keep on dating, and then never stop. It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.

Coach: You guys are way too messed up to be going.
Nick: You're not an expert. I am. Nobody knows we're stoned. If we didn't go, then they would know.
Coach: You're saying that be... if we don't go to the party, they're gonna think that we're high.
Nick: Oh, the guy who's never done weed. That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." You don't "do weed." That's a test.
Coach: You said it.
Nick: Listen to me, first order of business, we eat their food.
Coach: Okay.
Nick: Then you look at the pool. "Aw, what a great pool. I wish... I wish I could dive for rings." Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. Um, I was just thinking of this impression. [clicks mouth] Who am I doing? [clicks mouth] Who am I doing?
Coach: Al Pacino?
Nick: Maybe. So, then, you get home, you eat some pizza... Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad.