Bob Day: You know, it doesn't take a genius. All you got to do is follow the money.
Nick: Always follow the money. That's what I always say. You always follow the money.
Bob Day: Yeah, yeah. Oil companies.
Bob Day: Pharmaceuticals.
Bob Day: Big business, chicken corporations.
Both: Corn.

Jess: What about Priscilla?
Bob Day: What?
Jess: What? Come on.
Bob Day: No. No. I'm an old man. She doesn't want an old man. Look. I've got a Band-Aid on my hand. Not on the finger, the hand. That is an old-man thing.

Jess: Look, we're not in the same boat, okay? I can't move on. I love him.
Bob Day: Nick? What do you see in him? I mean, he looks like the only white waiter at a Chinese restaurant.

Jess: Oh, my God. I have the chance to teach kids again.
Bob Day: You got to go.
Jess: Oh... Dad, you should come with me.
Nick: Yes, you should go with your daughter!
Bob Day: What am I gonna do, sit in your car and get mugged? I mean, I didn't gay my way out of Vietnam just to be killed by some punk. No, no. No, I'll stay with him.

Nick: This girl really means a lot to me, Bob. And I just don't want to screw it up.
Bob Day: Why would you screw it up?
Nick: I don't want to make excuses, but my dad was kind of a... a piece of... You know, truth be told, Bob, I'm afraid I'm a lot like him.
Bob Day: The mere fact that you just said that means that you're nothing like your old man. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you.
Nick: You mean that?
Bob Day: Yes, I do.
Nick: Think I'm gonna say something that might make you real happy. That little girl I was talking about, Yolanda? Her name isn't Yolanda. It's Jess. She's your daughter.
Bob Day: I'll kill you! [Nick screams] You're dead! You're dead!

Bob Day: Priscilla, come here. Come here, I want you to meet my daughter, Jessica. Remember? I told you about her. She's the one that doesn't play tennis.
Priscilla: Oh, the teacher from Hollywood. [Jess laughs]
Bob Day: Well, two rum raisin sundaes and whatever my daughter wants. [Priscilla and Bob laugh]
Priscilla: You.
Bob Day: [laughs] [quietly to Jess] Her husband fell down a spiral staircase.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He kept falling, falling, continually falling. It was awful. He didn't die. But when he found out that he had become a viral sensation... he killed himself.

Bob Day: I'm very proud of you, son. I heard you fought like a coward for my daughter today.

Bob Day: No, no, no, no, it was my mistake, it's my mistake. I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.
Joan Day: [o.s.] Bob, just stay. What if we need something ruined?
Jess: Mom!
Bob Day: It's all right, I'll spend my holiday at a Los Angeles coffee shop...
Jess: No...
Bob Day: sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay. I probably won't want to blow my head off.

Bob Day: Seems like every time they want to move a team to Los Angeles, the team that's most likely to move here, the owner Al Davis...
Nick: Dead.
Bob Day: And then they talk to the, to the Ravens and their owner Art Modell...
Nick: dead.
Bob Day: Dead. You know what I mean? Who- Who's going to speak out for us, I mean, the voice of the NFL ... Steve Sabol? Dead.
Nick: Also dead.

Bob Day: Jess, why are you picking him? He's a lazy, drunken cable thief. Wh-What's wrong with Wilson?
Jess: Dad, there's nothing wrong with Nick. You don't even know him.
Bob Day: I do know him. I know him. When I was young, I was confused, I was lost, I had no plan. But I went ahead and got married anyway. And if I had figured things out before I got married, I might still be with your mother. So I do know you. You're not your father. You're me. And I'm not good enough for my little girl.