Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.

Cece: And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.
Jess: Yeah, but no porns have teachers.
Cece: Every porn has a teacher.

Jess: [on the phone] He's amazing. I think he might be an angel sent down to Earth like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife.
Cece: Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?
Jess: In your purse, you will find a white envelope.
Cece: Okay, you, you wrote a letter to yourself, and stuck it in my purse?
Jess: Read it, I need to hear it.
Cece: "Dear Jess, If you are reading this, it's because you're being an idiot and developing feelings for your employee, you ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash."
Jess: You are so right. You are so right.
Cece: "To have intercourse with the first man hired under your reign would be an insult to yourself and also..." This part's in caps. "...all women everywhere."
Jess: All women everywhere.
Cece: "Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?"
Jess: No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects. I will paint my face white. No man may have me.

Nick: We just came to say we're sorry.
Schmidt: Guess you think I'm pretty dim, huh? A man who can't do laundry.
Winston: You weren't born this way, were you?
Schmidt: Born not knowing how to do laundry? Like everyone else? Yes, Winston, I was. It wasn't till after birth that the trouble really began.

Nick: Ooh, the female reproductive system.
Winston: Kind of looks like the Chicago Bulls symbol.
Nick: It does.
Coach: Now, this is the only part that matters.
Nick: The money train. Sure.
Winston: Hey, I call it my nine-to-five. 'Cause it's my job to work it. You know what I'm saying?
Schmidt: The large intestine, you degenerates.
Coach: What?

Jess: The conference is gonna be really fun. We just have to work from, like, 9:00 to 7:00. And then after that
it's a par-tay. Until 10:00, when quiet hours are strictly enforced. But before then we rage. For three hours. Actually, two because there's the half an hour of setup time and the half an hour of cleanup time because we have to actually be in bed at 10:00.

Jess: That's why I keep all of our interactions strictly professional.
[flashback:]
Ryan: Hey. How was your weekend?
Jess: [drops notebook] That's personal. [runs away]
[present:]
Jess: I can't risk learning any personal details about him. What if he taught his dyslexic sister how to read? I can't know that. I'll go crazy with lust. My pants will turn to ash.

Jess: I need you to be my buffer between Ryan and me. He's so sexy.
Coach: Really?
Jess: Yeah.
Coach: That guy?
Jess: Beautiful.
Coach: Looks like a Boys Department mannequin.
Jess: Yeah.

Ryan: Hey, Jess, can I, um...
Jess: Nope. No time for chatting. We have to sit down. You can't sit there. Coach likes to sit in the middle.
Coach: Mm-hmm. I sit bitch or I don't sit at all. [whispering] You're weird.
Jess: [whispering] You're weird.

Winston: Well, I understand. You know, I've never told anyone this, but, um... I don't know how to read a ruler. I don't, I mean, how do you start? At the edge or the first tick? It's confusing to me.
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Do you know how to count?
Winston: It always gets on top of me, and I can't...
Schmidt: 'Cause then you should know how to use a ruler, you idiot!
Winston: I'm an idiot? You can't even wash your own underwear, you dumbass.