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‘Teachers’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Teachers

408. Teachers

Aired November 18, 2014

Jess asks Coach to be a buffer between her and Ryan when they attend a teachers' conference. Meanwhile, Nick, Schmidt and Winston have a guys' night back in the loft.

Quote from Coach

Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.

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Quote from Cece

Cece: And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.
Jess: Yeah, but no porns have teachers.
Cece: Every porn has a teacher.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] He's amazing. I think he might be an angel sent down to Earth like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife.
Cece: Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?
Jess: In your purse, you will find a white envelope.
Cece: Okay, you, you wrote a letter to yourself, and stuck it in my purse?
Jess: Read it, I need to hear it.
Cece: "Dear Jess, If you are reading this, it's because you're being an idiot and developing feelings for your employee, you ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash."
Jess: You are so right. You are so right.
Cece: "To have intercourse with the first man hired under your reign would be an insult to yourself and also..." This part's in caps. "...all women everywhere."
Jess: All women everywhere.
Cece: "Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?"
Jess: No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects. I will paint my face white. No man may have me.

Quote from Coach

Nick: Ooh, the female reproductive system.
Winston: Kind of looks like the Chicago Bulls symbol.
Nick: It does.
Coach: Now, this is the only part that matters.
Nick: The money train. Sure.
Winston: Hey, I call it my nine-to-five. 'Cause it's my job to work it. You know what I'm saying?
Schmidt: The large intestine, you degenerates.
Coach: What?

Quote from Jess

Jess: The conference is gonna be really fun. We just have to work from, like, 9:00 to 7:00. And then after that
it's a par-tay. Until 10:00, when quiet hours are strictly enforced. But before then we rage. For three hours. Actually, two because there's the half an hour of setup time and the half an hour of cleanup time because we have to actually be in bed at 10:00.

Quote from Jess

Jess: That's why I keep all of our interactions strictly professional.
[flashback:]
Ryan: Hey. How was your weekend?
Jess: [drops notebook] That's personal. [runs away]
[present:]
Jess: I can't risk learning any personal details about him. What if he taught his dyslexic sister how to read? I can't know that. I'll go crazy with lust. My pants will turn to ash.

Quote from Coach

Jess: I need you to be my buffer between Ryan and me. He's so sexy.
Coach: Really?
Jess: Yeah.
Coach: That guy?
Jess: Beautiful.
Coach: Looks like a Boys Department mannequin.
Jess: Yeah.

Quote from Coach

Ryan: Hey, Jess, can I, um...
Jess: Nope. No time for chatting. We have to sit down. You can't sit there. Coach likes to sit in the middle.
Coach: Mm-hmm. I sit bitch or I don't sit at all. [whispering] You're weird.
Jess: [whispering] You're weird.

Quote from Winston

Nick: We just came to say we're sorry.
Schmidt: Guess you think I'm pretty dim, huh? A man who can't do laundry.
Winston: You weren't born this way, were you?
Schmidt: Born not knowing how to do laundry? Like everyone else? Yes, Winston, I was. It wasn't till after birth that the trouble really began.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Well, I understand. You know, I've never told anyone this, but, um... I don't know how to read a ruler. I don't, I mean, how do you start? At the edge or the first tick? It's confusing to me.
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Do you know how to count?
Winston: It always gets on top of me, and I can't...
Schmidt: 'Cause then you should know how to use a ruler, you idiot!
Winston: I'm an idiot? You can't even wash your own underwear, you dumbass.

Quote from Nick

Winston: You know what? To Nick. What can't you do?
Nick: A lot, you know, I can't say "Frebuary."
Schmidt: [laughs] No one can!
Winston: Frebuar... Febuar-ar...
Schmidt: Feb.. I... (babbles) Whatever.
Winston: Feb... February. Yeah, it's February.
Nick: I can't say the alphabet unless I'm singing the song. And I never learned how to love. But enough about me... Guys' Night! Let's go, gentlemen.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Health is the most important subject on Earth.
Jess: Yes, it is important.
Coach: 'Cause you know kids, they're always wanting to have sex with each other. They don't know that it just feels good for a second and then you're sad.
Jess: And that's why we need someone great, someone strong, who the kids trust. Okay. Someone who can yell at them about chlamydia.
Coach: That does... that sounds like... like something Coach would do.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Ooh! Are you kidding me? Ryan is going? Ryan-Ryan? The guy you have a crazy crush on?
Jess: I had a crush on him. Principal Foster says that administrators can't date teachers. It's forbidden.
Cece: That makes it so much hotter.
Jess: It makes it crazy hotter. But, look, it's not just about Principal Foster. This is about how I worked really hard to get to Vice Principal, and I'm not gonna let some British guy get in my way. Some redcoat bastard.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Hey, you guys want sangria?
Nick: It's Guys' Night! Only beer!
Winston: Yeah, what is this, Spain?
Nick: Great sangria burn, man.
Winston: Really?
Nick: Never let your guard down! [knocks Winston down]

Quote from Nick

Nick: All right, first up, we eat meat.
Schmidt: How much meat?!
Nick: Then we take a fart nap.
Schmidt: Not for me. Pass.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Wow. Look at that stretching.
Nick: I don't want to... make this sound too creepy, but I want to own those girls. I wouldn't touch them. They'd want for nothing. But I would know they were there. Stretching. For me.
Winston: I want to French braid that girl hair. I want to French braid that hair so good.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Why don't you just wash it?
Schmidt: Why don't I just what?
Nick: Wash it. Just wash the blanket. Unless you can't.
Schmidt: Come on, man. Get out of here.
Nick: I've known you for a lot of years and I've never seen you do laundry.
Schmidt: Never seen me do laundry... Get out of town.
Winston: Wait, wait. Is that true?
Schmidt: Come on, you guys, this is so... Really, this is silly.
Nick: Then do it. Right now. We'll watch.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Nerd. Nerd. Dud. Lady nerd. Goofus. Virgin...
Jess: Hey, Coach, I need you to be my buffer!
Coach: Okay, but Nick can never find out about this.
Jess: Wait, what?
Coach: Hmm? What?
Jess: What are you talking about?
Coach: What are you talking about?

Quote from Coach

Brenda Brown: I am education guru Brenda Brown.
Coach: Oh, no. Who is this? She looks like one of those ladies who talks you into having a baby in a tub.
Brenda Brown: You. The talker.
Coach: Mmm...
Brenda Brown: Stand up. Talk to us.
Coach: There were other people talking, I just want to let you know that.
Brenda Brown: Why are you a teacher?
Coach: Uh, 'cause my... my roommate made me.
Brenda Brown: Hmm.
Coach: What?
Brenda Brown: I'm worried about you. You're a worry.
Coach: Wor... why, why are you worried about me?
Brenda Brown: Teaching is an awesome responsibility. You are not prepared for it. Sit down.
Coach: Okay.

Quote from Coach

Brenda Brown: Today, we will learn about our fellow educators, their hopes, their dreams, their bitter regrets. The things they wish they'd said to their birth mother... So, partner up.
Ryan: [to Jess] Will you be my partner?
Jess: Mmm, sorry, I'm with Coach.
Coach: No, I can't do it. I'm going to the bar.
Jess: What?
Coach: Buffer out.
Jess: No, buffer in.
Coach: Buffer out.
Jess: Buffer in. Buffer in.

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