Philip: Ah. Mr. Schmidt. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps an organic cucumber vodka spritzer?
Schmidt: Yes.
Cece: It is so beautiful. I feel like I'm inside Cate Blanchett.
Philip: We get that a lot.

Cece: We met... crying over the same name at the Vietnam Memorial. George... Harrison... Ford.
Schmidt: Wha...?
Cece: Who was our grandfather.
Schmidt: What? Making us cousins?
Cece: Making us cousins, because there is nothing more romantic than forbidden love.
Schmidt: Between family members? I mean, that's... You're gonna double down with that?
Cece: Yes, I am.
Schmidt: He's writing "cousins" down.
Cece: That's a positive thing.
Schmidt: No, it's not.

Schmidt: Hybrid meals are for people who are too lazy to wake up for a proper breakfast.

Reagan: Let me guess. You guys made a final decision?
Nick: Please. Sit. That's probably the first time you've been right all day, but yes, we have made a decision.
Reagan: Great.
Winston: Here's the deal, Reagan. It's 2016, you're a lady. Your decision is important to us.
Nick: Yes, we want you to decide which one of us is most attractive to you, and if that person is the same name that's on the piece of paper in this envelope, then sexual relations can commence.
Reagan: Okay, well, the logic is bulletproof. I just feel like if I'm gonna be making this decision, I need you guys
to pitch yourselves.
Nick: For starters, I'm completely hairless, Okay. except for a straggler near one of my nipples, because I got scared while shaving. In my fantasies, I'm a wild lover. In real life, my sexual prowess has been described as "fine," "adequate." "It'll get the job done."
Reagan: That is both a lot and a little, but either way, a tough act to follow.

Reagan: Hey, uh, have you guys seen my purple sweater?
Nick: Uh, no. And, by the way, we've made our decision.
Reagan: Wow. That was fast. You have until 9:00.
Nick: We don't need it. You'll be having Winston.
Winston: That's me. I'm Winston.
Reagan: Great. Don't eat for two hours before. I'm really looking forward to it. Bring your A-game, okay? Any previous injuries that I need to know about? Bring something to numb your mouth. Oh. Look. The sweater was in my hand the whole time.

Winston: Hey. What are you doing, man? We had a decision.
Nick: The decision wasn't valid-- your dib on Cindy was expired.
Winston: Okay, first of all dibs don't expire. Also, dibs-- not singular. And how are you still shaving?
Nick: I'm doing full body, Winston. I started from the bottom, now I'm here.
Winston: That's gross.
Nick: I've been doing sex prep all day. I did a hundred girl push-ups. I washed my feet until the water ran clear.

Nick: Well, that one diner has the best bacon.
Winston: Great bacon.
Nick: So I don't know.
Reagan: Ugh, come on, guys. Please, God, we're entering minute 20 of the great brunch debate.
Winston: The other diner does have that special fruit cup.
Reagan: Other diner. Fruit cup. Let's go.
Winston: However, when I think about it, huge crowd looking for that special fruit cup.
Nick: Smart. So now we got to think line versus bacon.
Reagan: Please, I am starving. Make a decision. [to Schmidt & Cece] Oh, hi. Do you guys want to join us? We are going for brunch in seven days.

Winston: Okay, you know what, you know what, we'll discuss this amongst ourselves. I mean, uh, nobody wants to see how the sausage is made, am I right?
Nick: No, they don't. To the sausage factory.
Winston: What?
Nick: That's not what I meant.

Reagan: [to Nick & Winston] Good luck with your decision.
Schmidt: At what cost? One sexual barracuda to another, I see what you're doing. You're doing it for the story. You want to see how deep the abyss goes. You want to look that monster straight into the eye. Maybe it's so bad that it's good. But it's not good. It's b... it's bad.
Cece: Okay, honey, calm down. She's not actually gonna do it.
Reagan: No, I'm trying to teach them a lesson. This isn't an '80s summer camp movie. I'm not gonna sleep with somebody based on a bet.
Schmidt: I'm just... I was just kind of playing along with the whole thing just in case they were listening at the door.
[on the other side of the door:]
Nick: Something about "summer camp moogie."
Winston: "Summer camp moogie."

Schmidt: Everything rides on this decision. You know, the venue is the axle of the wedding chariot.