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‘The Decision’ Quotes

New Girl: The Decision

508. The Decision

Aired February 23, 2016

Reagan aims to get Nick and Winston to stop being so indecisive by offering to sleep with one of them, but they must decide who. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Cece look for a wedding venue.

Quote from Cece

Philip: Ah. Mr. Schmidt. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps an organic cucumber vodka spritzer?
Schmidt: Yes.
Cece: It is so beautiful. I feel like I'm inside Cate Blanchett.
Philip: We get that a lot.

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Quote from Cece

Cece: We met... crying over the same name at the Vietnam Memorial. George... Harrison... Ford.
Schmidt: Wha...?
Cece: Who was our grandfather.
Schmidt: What? Making us cousins?
Cece: Making us cousins, because there is nothing more romantic than forbidden love.
Schmidt: Between family members? I mean, that's... You're gonna double down with that?
Cece: Yes, I am.
Schmidt: He's writing "cousins" down.
Cece: That's a positive thing.
Schmidt: No, it's not.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hybrid meals are for people who are too lazy to wake up for a proper breakfast.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Hey, uh, have you guys seen my purple sweater?
Nick: Uh, no. And, by the way, we've made our decision.
Reagan: Wow. That was fast. You have until 9:00.
Nick: We don't need it. You'll be having Winston.
Winston: That's me. I'm Winston.
Reagan: Great. Don't eat for two hours before. I'm really looking forward to it. Bring your A-game, okay? Any previous injuries that I need to know about? Bring something to numb your mouth. Oh. Look. The sweater was in my hand the whole time.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Hey. What are you doing, man? We had a decision.
Nick: The decision wasn't valid-- your dib on Cindy was expired.
Winston: Okay, first of all dibs don't expire. Also, dibs-- not singular. And how are you still shaving?
Nick: I'm doing full body, Winston. I started from the bottom, now I'm here.
Winston: That's gross.
Nick: I've been doing sex prep all day. I did a hundred girl push-ups. I washed my feet until the water ran clear.

Quote from Nick

Reagan: Let me guess. You guys made a final decision?
Nick: Please. Sit. That's probably the first time you've been right all day, but yes, we have made a decision.
Reagan: Great.
Winston: Here's the deal, Reagan. It's 2016, you're a lady. Your decision is important to us.
Nick: Yes, we want you to decide which one of us is most attractive to you, and if that person is the same name that's on the piece of paper in this envelope, then sexual relations can commence.
Reagan: Okay, well, the logic is bulletproof. I just feel like if I'm gonna be making this decision, I need you guys
to pitch yourselves.
Nick: For starters, I'm completely hairless, Okay. except for a straggler near one of my nipples, because I got scared while shaving. In my fantasies, I'm a wild lover. In real life, my sexual prowess has been described as "fine," "adequate." "It'll get the job done."
Reagan: That is both a lot and a little, but either way, a tough act to follow.

Quote from Reagan

Nick: Well, that one diner has the best bacon.
Winston: Great bacon.
Nick: So I don't know.
Reagan: Ugh, come on, guys. Please, God, we're entering minute 20 of the great brunch debate.
Winston: The other diner does have that special fruit cup.
Reagan: Other diner. Fruit cup. Let's go.
Winston: However, when I think about it, huge crowd looking for that special fruit cup.
Nick: Smart. So now we got to think line versus bacon.
Reagan: Please, I am starving. Make a decision. [to Schmidt & Cece] Oh, hi. Do you guys want to join us? We are going for brunch in seven days.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Okay, you know what, you know what, we'll discuss this amongst ourselves. I mean, uh, nobody wants to see how the sausage is made, am I right?
Nick: No, they don't. To the sausage factory.
Winston: What?
Nick: That's not what I meant.

Quote from Schmidt

Reagan: [to Nick & Winston] Good luck with your decision.
Schmidt: At what cost? One sexual barracuda to another, I see what you're doing. You're doing it for the story. You want to see how deep the abyss goes. You want to look that monster straight into the eye. Maybe it's so bad that it's good. But it's not good. It's b... it's bad.
Cece: Okay, honey, calm down. She's not actually gonna do it.
Reagan: No, I'm trying to teach them a lesson. This isn't an '80s summer camp movie. I'm not gonna sleep with somebody based on a bet.
Schmidt: I'm just... I was just kind of playing along with the whole thing just in case they were listening at the door.
[on the other side of the door:]
Nick: Something about "summer camp moogie."
Winston: "Summer camp moogie."

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Everything rides on this decision. You know, the venue is the axle of the wedding chariot.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Some tea lights and flowers and this place could be nice.
Schmidt: It's like a Mumford & Sons music video, yeah? Is there hay in here?

Quote from Winston

Winston: You ditched me when we were supposed to run away from home together. I built that raft for nothing!

Quote from Nick

Reagan: I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed with how quickly you guys came to that decision.
Nick: Well, that's 'cause you don't know how mature we are. You see, Winston had dibs on Cindy De La Garza since the fifth grade, I Frenched her in the eighth grade, so...
Reagan: So about 20 years ago Winston had a three-year-old dib, he never acted on it, and now you're the bad guy?
Nick: [laughs] Oh, Reagan. First of all, dibs can't be singular...

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Uh, can I... can I practice my presentation on you?
Nick: Sure. But I'm bored already.
Reagan: Okay.
Nick: This stuff's really boring for me. For everybody, I guess.
Reagan: Hmm. [sultry] Hepatitis C can be a long... arduous experience. But now discover Zilpoza from Wudai Pharmaceuticals. FDA approval... pending double-blind study. If you've had cirrhosis or kidney disease, Zilpoza... may not... be right... [whispers] for... you.
Nick: [laughing] You think I'm a 13-year-old boy? I know what you're doing.
Reagan: What am... what am I doing?
Nick: You're trying to lead me on, and I won't have it. Case closed! You're having Winston!
Reagan: Great, I'm having Winston.
Nick: Uh... [starts to stand up, sits back down] Mm. [exhales] [wheels away in the chair] It's so juvenile, what you're doing. A dib is a dib.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Quick question. Look, we realize that you guys book up decades in advance, so please just let us know that you don't have any slots available.
Philip: Actually, you're in luck-- Shia LaBeouf had to cancel his solitaire tournament, and we have one open slot, in April.
Schmidt: [quiet groan]
Cece: In April? Mm-hmm. All right, babe, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You need to breathe. We're just gonna enact the plan that we set up for when you see an ankle boot you really, really, really like, right? What do we do?
Schmidt: We walk away... And if I dream about it in the middle of the night, then it's meant to be. We're gonna walk away, Philip. Thank you so much for all your help.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Our wedding's gonna be way romantic, bro. Quiches so small you got to wear glasses.
Benjamin: Bitch, we're gonna have more white linen than a hospital in the Great War.
Cece: Yeah, we're gonna have so many fresh cut flowers that you're gonna have a real bee problem up in this bitch.
Benjamin: We're gonna have spanakopita so flaky, you're gonna get crumbs all over your mouth, like, what?
Schmidt: Our tables are gonna be names of cities that we've been to, like, what?
Mimi: Our wedding is gonna be so... big... that the Giants will come to town and everyone gets a big spoon.

Quote from Winston

Reagan: Winston, you're up.
Winston: Well, that's easy. I've got kind eyes.
Nick: You don't have kind eyes. You have snail eyes. Everybody knows that.
Winston: I've got kind eyes. Aly told me so.
Reagan: Who's Aly?
Winston: Yeah, she's my partner at work. I complimented her first, told her she had a very nice neck, which she does. But what I should have said was, "You got a really cool chin," or "You got some dope earlobes." Honestly, everything about her is great. And when I'm with her, I never really notice time. It's probably because she is the best part of my day. I should... I should have told her one of those things, as opposed to the neck thing, you know. Then she told me I had kind eyes.
Reagan: You like Aly.
Nick: Yes.
Winston: She's my partner.
Nick: Winston! Come on, it's obvious. You like Aly.

Quote from Nick

Nick: FYI-- your I'm-not-having-sex-tonight outfit is leopard print and tight. I don't know if you know that.
Reagan: It's animal print, but it's not tight. These are baggy, fuzzy PJs with a flap on the butt.
Nick: Exactly my point. You want to see what's in the envelope?
Reagan: It's a blank piece of paper.
Nick: You're so wrong. Does that look like a blank sheet of paper? [shows a piece of paper with writing that isn't clear whether it's Winston or Nick]
Reagan: Very clever.
Nick: Thanks, yeah. I thought of it when I was getting tickets to the World Series of Chili and had to prove that I was human.


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