Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been?
Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain?
Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture.

Schmidt: Oh, oh there's Brooke.
Jess: Who's Brooke?
Nick: He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her.

Winston: Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding.
Nick: You're the usher, so relax.
Winston: Yeah, I'll be busy. That way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, "Do you have a job?", "Are you still playing basketball?". Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
Schmidt: What is the matter with you?
Winston: This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Jess: Want to know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath. They are tight. I will not be peeing tonight.

Caroline: Hi.
Nick: Hey, Caroline. Wow. I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you.
Jess: [haughty accent] Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Nick: Uh, yeah, of course. Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
Caroline: Hi.
Jess: One more time, Cara-lee?
Caroline: Uh, Caroline.
Jess: Caroloo? Coraline?
Nick: Caroline!
Jess: Oh, 'kay, fancy.

Schmidt: Hi. Wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt?
Brooke: Fat Schmidt. Of course. Wow, you look great.
Schmidt: You, also... Sure. Um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine?
Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a seltzer, please?
Schmidt: Me too.
Brooke: You're six months sober, also?
Schmidt: Seven months. One more.
Brooke: Wow, that's great! Congratulations.
Bartender: Here's your white wine.
Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! [sighs] Even the smell of it...
Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to.
Schmidt: Okay, thank you. [to bartender] So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay? And rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page?

Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking.
Schmidt: No, not fine.
Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said, "I'll see you soon".
Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan.
Jess: I didn't know that.
Schmidt: You want to live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. [sobbing rapidly]
Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess: Yeah, my dad.
Schmidt: Yeah.

Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes... [hums the tune; starts again] But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic.
Nick: No chicken dance.
Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it.

Jess: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knicknack or Mr. Suspenders.
Schmidt: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
Schmidt: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess: [in a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?