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‘Wedding’ Quotes

New Girl: Wedding

103. Wedding

Aired October 4, 2011

Jess is in charge of keeping Nick away from his ex Caroline at a wedding. Meanwhile, Schmidt tries to avoid the woman he always hooks up with at weddings.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The chocolate fountain, it reminds me of the one in Tuscany, you ever been?
Brooke: Yeah, I was just there for New Year's, where's the chocolate fountain?
Schmidt: I don't know, I've never been, I'm just fascinated with the culture.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Yo, let's go, we can't be late, I am in the wedding.
Nick: You're the usher, so relax.
Winston: Yeah, I'll be busy. That way I won't have to sit around answering a bunch of stupid questions all day, like, "Do you have a job?", "Are you still playing basketball?". Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?
Schmidt: What is the matter with you?
Winston: This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude, and I really just want get in there and ush this wedding in the face!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Want to know one of my beauty secrets? The only way I could fit in this dress was by wearing little girls' bicycle shorts underneath. They are tight. I will not be peeing tonight.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Oh, oh there's Brooke.
Jess: Who's Brooke?
Nick: He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our front porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her.

Quote from Jess

Caroline: Hi.
Nick: Hey, Caroline. Wow. I didn't know you were gonna be here. It's good to see you.
Jess: [haughty accent] Nicholas, you have to introduce me.
Nick: Uh, yeah, of course. Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
Caroline: Hi.
Jess: One more time, Cara-lee?
Caroline: Uh, Caroline.
Jess: Caroloo? Coraline?
Nick: Caroline!
Jess: Oh, 'kay, fancy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hi. Wow, Brooke. Schmidt. You used to worry my poncho, freshman year. Remember that? No? Fat Schmidt?
Brooke: Fat Schmidt. Of course. Wow, you look great.
Schmidt: You, also... Sure. Um, how are your classes? I mean...not that we're, not that we're in school anymore, I know that. What...what are you drinking? White wine?
Brooke: I'm not drinking. I'm sober, six months. Can I get a seltzer, please?
Schmidt: Me too.
Brooke: You're six months sober, also?
Schmidt: Seven months. One more.
Brooke: Wow, that's great! Congratulations.
Bartender: Here's your white wine.
Schmidt: What? That's a mistake, no I didn't order that. No. No, sir! [sighs] Even the smell of it...
Brooke: I'm going back to my table, but you can come talk to me, if you need to.
Schmidt: Okay, thank you. [to bartender] So what I need you to do is this, I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay? And rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? Same page, same page?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Look, they're fine. They're just talking.
Schmidt: No, not fine.
Winston: No, no, no. With Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten page email about what she meant when she said, "I'll see you soon".
Schmidt: She will flirt with until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her back up plan.
Jess: I didn't know that.
Schmidt: You want to live with Nick when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston: Yeah, it sounds like this. [sobbing rapidly]
Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob listening to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess: Yeah, my dad.
Schmidt: Yeah.

Quote from Jess

Jess: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knicknack or Mr. Suspenders.
Schmidt: No nicknames, okay, your only job tonight, is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

Quote from Jess

Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
Schmidt: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay, when I see you I wanna be thinking who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess: [in a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?

Quote from Jess

Jess: So when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that usually it goes... [hums the tune; starts again] But instead of the clap, I like to do a peck, because it's more realistic.
Nick: No chicken dance.
Schmidt: Okay, look, we're not trying to be mean, we just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.
Jess: Okay, suppress the Jess. Got it.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Wow, you look great.
Jess: [with fake teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
Schmidt: No!
Nick: No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth!
Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again.
Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants.
Schmidt: That's horrible.
Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there?
Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show.
Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay? It's not... It's not healthy, all right. Please, no more.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend. We just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it.
Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy.
Jess: He's so soft, like a towel.
Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you.
Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol.
Caroline: Caroline.
Jess: [laughs] I give up.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Huzzah! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy.

Quote from Nick

Caroline: Jess is...great.
Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy.
Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious?
Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have. Just give me anything. Thank you.
Gretchen: Give me that.
Schmidt: Oh, God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
Gretchen: Ugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker?
Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons?
Gretchen: [whispers] I'm gonna make you wear them.
Schmidt: Huh? No!

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt: Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection.
Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style.
Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [dancing] Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. I'm mime walking, I'm Mime-chael Jackson.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?
Jess: Schmidt?!
Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It's like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went... She went crazy.
Jess: Schmidt, I need you to help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt: What a great idea. Yes.
Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt: Whatever you need. Whatever... Yeah, of course.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Oh, hi. Schmidt is very fond of you.
Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay?
Jess: Oh, I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. [groans] Ah. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me [brandishing a palette knife] and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Aha! I trusted you!
Nick: Jess, get outta here.
Caroline: Nothing happened.
Jess: After everything we've built.
Nick: Go away, Jess, please.
Jess: Who are you?
Caroline: No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend.
Nick: Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Caroline: Yeah, well I've been seeing someone. I didn't want to bring him because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but now I know that you have Jess...
Jess: Yeah, he has me... and our baby!
Caroline: Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys...
Jess: And our other baby!

Quote from Nick

Nick: [Holds up pictures from the photo booth] That's Caroline and that's me. Four years we were together so...it doesn't matter to me, it's just what matter is..respect. [Crying] I'm just so alone right now, man and it's a real bad situation...
Camera Man: Uh, Steve and Bree.
Nick: Steve and Bree. Because that's what this is about. I agree with you. You're good at your job, man. [to the cardboard cutout of Steve and Bree] I'm so happy for you. You look great. It feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, you know, happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, this doesn't look great on you. This. That's not a great look, Bree! Congratulations, Steve, nice fedora and no open bar, Steve, don't you understand that's tacky! You're dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. [kicks over cardboard cut out] Yeah, that happened! [goes to the photo booth] The photo booth is a liar, FYI. Oh, hey ladies, you guys wanna see a grown man cry? No? Then get out! I think I saw a single doctor looking at you. This is gonna take a while, Orange.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Are you okay?
Jess: Yeah, I'm fine.
Winston: Those guys were jerks, but I know that they're glad you're around.
Jess: Really?
Winston: Yeah. They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. Especially Nick. But they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.

Quote from Nick

Nick: They want me to leave the booth... but I'm staying. This is my home now. It's got everything that I need.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, the fact is, is I was a mean person and I'm sorry, okay?
Jess: Hi, Nicholas.
Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth, now.
Jess: Oh, is that so?
Nick: Yup. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.
Jess: Very nice.
Nick: This is the common area.
Jess: Oh, okay.
Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything.
Jess: It's very nice.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, she had a boyfriend.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her back up plan. You have to let each other go. So now, you have to make a decision. "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off and dance my face off." [laughs] Come on, it's up to you.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up at all these weddings... I mean, one of these times, we go on an actual date.
Gretchen: No, I'm just using you for your body.
Schmidt: Oh, okay, cool. How many more of these things?
Gretchen: [showing a slide] We're just getting started.
Schmidt: That yellow helmet is... ugh.
Gretchen: Tonight, I'm gonna get certified on the River Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, tonight just got real. She's go on top of the kill list.
Jess: Is that because you're going to attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
Schmidt: More or less, yeah.
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.


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