Schmidt: [on the phone] Yes, hello. I'm calling to remind you to vote for a better America and a vote for a better America is a vote for Hubbedy Bubbedy.
Mary Ellen: Hillary Clinton.
Schmidt: That's what I said. Hibiddy Bibbidy.
Mary Ellen: It's Hillary.
Schmidt: Yes, I know.
Mary Ellen: Hillary Clinton!
Schmidt: And I keep saying that. Okay? Hubbedy Barry. Maria Conchita Alonso.
Mary Ellen: What's wrong with you?
Schmidt: Celery Flintstone. [hangs up] I can't do this! Vote for Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Give me that. [grabs another phone] Paul Ryan in 20... 2020, for President of the United States. Paul Ryan in 2020! [grabs another phone] Pau... Paul Ryan in 2020. President of the United States. Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Paul Ryan in 20... [struggling] Get off of me! You smell like a wet campsite.

Winston: "Every moment you're on this Earth, is a moment I know where you are." You know who wrote that?
Nick: The great James Baldwin.
Winston: No, you wr... James Baldwin? What? Look, man, you sent me these cards when I was playing basketball in Latvia. And, I don't know, I kept all of them. They're beautiful, man. "I screamed your name at the ocean today, then I ate a sandwich that tasted like your smile."
Nick: "Wow, we used to be a lot closer."

Winston: Look, man... you got to understand something about the long "D". At first, it's very hard. Okay? It's a lot to take. But the long "D" in the end is... [chuckling] very much worth it.
Nick: You have to see what you're doing here.
Winston: Right now you're having problems. I'm not. You know why?
Nick: 'Cause you love the long "D".
Winston: I've adjusted to the long "D".
Nick: Okay.
Winston: Sometimes it's rough. Yeah, can be bumpy road sometimes, man.
Nick: The long "D" can be bumpy.
Winston: Ooh!
Nick: Sometimes there's unexpected curves.
Winston: Don't I know it.
Nick: But once it breaks you down a little bit, you learn to like the long "D". You're gonna say something like that?
Winston: You get used to it is what I'm saying.
Nick: I think I'm done with this.

Schmidt: What on Earth are you celebrating?
Jess: It's okay. We know you're voting for Trump.
Schmidt: Not on your life, nor am I voting for that flip-flopping helmet head in a pantsuit. I'm only focused on one election. The election that matters: Paul Ryan 2020.

Winston: Reagan's in Seattle. Aly's at Quantico. And here we are, you and me, working that long "D".
Nick: The long what now? We're working the what?
Winston: The long "D". Long distance relationships.

Nick: I'm screwed, Winston. I'm gonna lose her.
Winston: My friend, you are not gonna lose her, okay? Phone sex is old school. That's how our nanas got nasty.
Nick: True, true, true.
Winston: They'd be like, "What you wearing, Gertrude?" She'd be like, "My bloom... bloomers. Pull down those trousers and let me see that thing." [chuckles] But... thanks to technology, hmm, there's plenty other ways you can get sensual with your lady.

Jess: All right. You all have ten shots and I have one. But, if you share the wealth, then we can all throw up together. And that's called redistribution.

Mary Ellen: Try phone duty.
Jess: Great. Quick question. I've perfected five different, assertive, female voices. You tell me which one you'd like me to use. [high-pitched]: Hi. [in a deep voice]: Hey. Hello. [in a British accent]: Good day. [in a deep voice]: 'Sup. That was one.

Jess: On envelopes. Really? Ugh. We are not making a damn diff in here, Cece. Stuffing paper. If ten-year-old Jess could see me now...
Cece: You know, she'd be really proud of your knockers. I never saw that coming.
Jess: Well, that's a fair point. I did exceed expectations.

Jess: You know who you look like?
Marshall Stevens: I am not Bernie Sanders. I am Marshall Stevens and for the last year and a half, my life has been a living hell! [door slams]
Jess: Okay.