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‘Bully’ Quotes

New Girl: Bully

114. Bully

Aired February 21, 2012

Jess tries to help a boy who is being bullied at school. Nick freaks out about his relationship with Julia after she sends him a cactus. Meanwhile, Schmidt realizes Cece is ashamed of him.

Quote from Winston

Nick: You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m. Those are the sounds of true love. Bet she had the time of her life.
Winston: What happened? Did I miss her?
Schmidt: You did.
Winston: Man, I love meeting the girls you bring home. I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down-low. "Theodore K. Mullins. Damn, Schmidt, in our bed? Where we shave each other? I've always loved you, you're my boo."
Schmidt: Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

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Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the Internet? Yeah, I can hold.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [taking a nude selfie] There it is. Look at that. Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye, red eye. Send. [answers phone] Hello?
Cece: Where are you?
Schmidt: Oh, hey, Cecilia. Did you get my junk mail?

Quote from Winston

Jess: Hey, Schmidt. Oh, there is? Thank you. He says we should look out the window. There's a crescent moon out tonight.
Winston: Oh, dip, seriously?
[As Jess and Winston head to the window, Schmidt and Cece sneak into the apartment:]
Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know. I'm gonna live up there someday.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Want to party with Havarti?
Cece: Fine. Give me the damn cheese.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: The song is called "Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: It's catchy.
Winston: I mean, the title is flawed, there's no question about that. But you are kicking ass with the comments. Look at this. "This teacher is muy caliente."
Jess: Hot, hot, hot.
Winston: "I'd like to grade her on a curve." Yep. "Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."
Jess: Finally.
Winston: Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?
Jess: Yes. Yes, they are.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Um, actually, uh...this is my fault. I sabotaged the science project.
Karen: You did what?
Jess: And it was totally unprofessional. And I'm sorry, but your daughter is... how do I put this? Brianna is difficult.
Greta: Difficult? You're the one that sabotaged her project.
Winston: You daughter sucks. Okay, she is a demon seed, she is the spawn of Satan. And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that people like her should not be building robots.
Greta: Who are you?
Winston: Brown lightning.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [chuckles] L'Chaim. To humping. I was like a river. Did you feel that? Did you feel me sweeping you along with the current of my body? You were like a canoe on my body river. [chuckles] Like you'd ever be seaworthy with those breasts. [chuckles] Boobies.
Cece: I wish there was a word that meant complete satisfaction and complete self-loathing.
Schmidt: I've never seen a woman bite her own shoulder before.
Cece: That was the last time.
Schmidt: You said that twice last night. You'll be back. I'm like your black tar heroin. You just need that sweet taste in your veins. Schmidttle and the damage done. Neil Young, yo.
Cece: Just get me out of here without someone seeing.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Oh, did you have a sexual guest?
Schmidt: What?
Jess: Was it the same girl from the other night?
Schmidt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jess: It is! Oh, my God. You slept with the same girl twice in a row? Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise? Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same girl twice in a row. I owe you five dollars.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So, I think I changed a life today, you guys. I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi. There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson in the key of learning. Learning minor.
[flashback to Jess playing guitar and singing in her class room as Nathaniel provides a backing beat:]
Jess: [sings] He's a plump bird who prefers the shelter of a hole He has a stubby beak And a nervous soul Because being chased By predators takes its toll Let the sad sparrow fly on...
[present:]
Nick: You think singing a song about a kid is gonna stop him from getting his ass kicked?
Jess: I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures. Middle-school girls literally scalp each other. I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What about just a little good, old-fashioned car sex?
Schmidt: I can't do any of my moves in there. I like to improvise with my body. I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience, Cece.
Cece: Okay, are we gonna do this, or not? 'Cause I kind of need this to happen right now, okay? Isn't there, like, a Starbucks bathroom around here or something we could use?
Schmidt: What do I look like, a Gypsy courtesan?

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, how hard are you gonna drop the hammer on the kid who did this?
Schmidt: I'm gonna find this kid, and I'm just gonna... open up a dialogue.
Winston: Not gonna work. Take it from me, I used to be a bully.
[flashback to Winston purple-nurpling a fellow classmate:]
Boy: Ow!
Young Winston: Brown lightning!
[present:]
Jess: Wow, you had a catchphrase?
Winston: Yeah. You got to hit them where it hurts.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Thank you, Winston, but I have a different approach.
[flashback:]
Young Jess: Jerk-sica? My last name rhymes with "gay," and the best thing you can think of is Jerk-sica?
[present:]
Jess: Reason.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] Hey, Julia, what's up, girl? Hope you're having a great time in Beijing. I miss you; I can't wait to see you. I got the cactus. Thank you so much. I'm taking great care of it. Yeah, things are doing good here. Everything's really cool, just... taking names, kicking butt, you know, all that. So, great, I'll see you Wednesday. You're the best around. [hangs up] Nope, that's not gonna be the one. [cut] Hey, Julia, just calling back to say that I get it. Message received. I'm the cactus. [cut] If you put me in the desert, I'll grow some needles, too. You bet I would. You bet I would. FYI, I'm not high right now. [cut] Julia! Julia! Call me back. Call me back, Julia. [cut] Julia, it's Nick. I'm sorry, I just realized about the time difference. So, if you get this one first, could you please just delete the other ones? I love you. What did I jus...?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: I don't hear anyone out there. I think I'm safe. And I-I want you to know, that was the last time, okay? This is over.
Schmidt: But we haven't even gotten to the cheese course. A little sharp aged cheddar? Mm-hmm. Manchego? Maybe some buttery Gruyère? You sure you want to miss out? I just want to... slowly peel the wax off your Babybels.
Cece: What are you even saying?
Schmidt: How about a little stinky Taleggio?
Cece: Why is this working? I am so turned on right now.
Schmidt: Or maybe some cream cheese? Want some schmear, Cece? You know what? Cece, you should go. Because if you have the strength to turn all this down, do it.
Cece: Yeah, I'm good.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Here? You want to do it here? Okay... all right. What's the scenario? We enter separately, pretending to be strangers meeting in the bathroom. You want me on the can, off the can?
Cece: No, I just, I just need to pop in this party for, like, 20 minutes. When I come back, we'll have sex.
Schmidt: Okay, yeah, let's do it. [unbuttons seat belt]
Cece: Oh, no. Um, I'm going in there alone.
Schmidt: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Cece: I'll crack a window for you.
Schmidt: Crack a window for me?
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: What am I, your sex dog? What... what if I have to go to the bathroom? Why don't you just give me a chew toy.

Quote from Winston

Jess: I hope it works. I didn't get a chance to test it.
Winston: Even broken, it's still got a shot at top prize. I mean, have you seen some of this crap? "What can old people do?" "Does it taste better with hot sauce?"

Quote from Nick

Nick: My friends. Guess what I just learned. What's inside of a pumpkin. Apparently, a lot. I didn't know.

Quote from Nick

Nick: No! No! Wonderful. Hey, no. No. Why can't we all just love each other, right?
Jess: What are you doing?
Nick: Want a science project? How about this as a science project: love is a myth. Why is this Earth so big and I am so small? So, yay, Earth. Be optimistic? Learn? We're all gonna die alone, so...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You really don't want to be seen having breakfast with me, do you? Are we even still in L.A.?
Cece: Schmidt, you and I are not together. We're not in a relationship. We're just having sex.
Schmidt: And I love it.
Cece: And I'm not gonna be a prize that you get to show off. Look, guys are always just showing me off, and I hate it.
Jess: Look, I... I want to tell people because I think that you are the dopest, flyest...smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman that I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time.
Cece: Do you want to tell the waitress?
Schmidt: Uh, if I could have everyone's attention. Real quick, if you could, uh... Hey, guys, call a time-out to whatever-whatever-whatever that thing is. Okay, great. I am having sex with this woman right here. You want to stand up?
Cece: No.
Schmidt: Okay, you don't want to do it? All right, great. I'm enjoying myself im-immensely. Uh, it's, you know, a physical thing, but I am definitely, for real having sex with this girl right here, to completion. Parkour! Hit it! Down! Hit it! Down! Hit it!


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