Nick: You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m. Those are the sounds of true love. Bet she had the time of her life.
Winston: What happened? Did I miss her?
Schmidt: You did.
Winston: Man, I love meeting the girls you bring home. I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down-low. "Theodore K. Mullins. Damn, Schmidt, in our bed? Where we shave each other? I've always loved you, you're my boo."
Schmidt: Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

Jess: [on the phone] Hi. Who do I speak to re: getting something removed from the Internet? Yeah, I can hold.

Jess: Hey, Schmidt. Oh, there is? Thank you. He says we should look out the window. There's a crescent moon out tonight.
Winston: Oh, dip, seriously?
[As Jess and Winston head to the window, Schmidt and Cece sneak into the apartment:]
Jess: Why do we care about a crescent moon?
Winston: I don't know. I'm gonna live up there someday.

Schmidt: [taking a nude selfie] There it is. Look at that. Not bad, just fix red eye, red eye, red eye. Send. [answers phone] Hello?
Cece: Where are you?
Schmidt: Oh, hey, Cecilia. Did you get my junk mail?

Schmidt: The song is called "Let Me Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: It's catchy.
Winston: I mean, the title is flawed, there's no question about that. But you are kicking ass with the comments. Look at this. "This teacher is muy caliente."
Jess: Hot, hot, hot.
Winston: "I'd like to grade her on a curve." Yep. "Finally, entertainment that doesn't resort to salty language."
Jess: Finally.
Winston: Jess, these commenters are all you, aren't they?
Jess: Yes. Yes, they are.

Schmidt: Want to party with Havarti?
Cece: Fine. Give me the damn cheese.

Jess: Um, actually, uh...this is my fault. I sabotaged the science project.
Karen: You did what?
Jess: And it was totally unprofessional. And I'm sorry, but your daughter is... how do I put this? Brianna is difficult.
Greta: Difficult? You're the one that sabotaged her project.
Winston: Your daughter sucks. Okay, she is a demon seed, she is the spawn of Satan. And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that people like her should not be building robots.
Greta: Who are you?
Winston: Brown Lightning.

Nick: [on the phone] Hey, Julia, what's up, girl? Hope you're having a great time in Beijing. I miss you; I can't wait to see you. I got the cactus. Thank you so much. I'm taking great care of it. Yeah, things are doing good here. Everything's really cool, just... taking names, kicking butt, you know, all that. So, great, I'll see you Wednesday. You're the best around. [hangs up] Nope, that's not gonna be the one. [cut] Hey, Julia, just calling back to say that I get it. Message received. I'm the cactus. [cut] If you put me in the desert, I'll grow some needles, too. You bet I would. You bet I would. FYI, I'm not high right now. [cut] Julia! Julia! Call me back. Call me back, Julia. [cut] Julia, it's Nick. I'm sorry, I just realized about the time difference. So, if you get this one first, could you please just delete the other ones? I love you. What did I jus...?

Jess: So, I think I changed a life today, you guys. I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi. There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson in the key of learning. Learning minor.
[flashback to Jess playing guitar and singing in her class room as Nathaniel provides a backing beat:]
Jess: [sings] He's a plump bird who prefers the shelter of a hole He has a stubby beak And a nervous soul Because being chased By predators takes its toll Let the sad sparrow fly on...
[present:]
Nick: You think singing a song about a kid is gonna stop him from getting his ass kicked?
Jess: I know 12-year-olds are vicious, vengeful creatures. Middle-school girls literally scalp each other. I spent most of sixth grade with a bald spot on my head.

Jess: Oh, did you have a sexual guest?
Schmidt: What?
Jess: Was it the same girl from the other night?
Schmidt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jess: It is! Oh, my God. You slept with the same girl twice in a row? Was it a mistake? Was she wearing some kind of disguise? Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with the same girl twice in a row. I owe you five dollars.