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‘Injured’ Quotes

New Girl: Injured

115. Injured

Aired March 6, 2012

Nick has a health scare after a football injury leads to a check-up.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm not going to go tomorrow. I'd rather not, because I don't want to get an ultrasound. I just don't have time. No, I've got some writing I got to do. The truth is, with working out, I've got some people to see, so I just can't make it. I lost a stamp. It sounds worse than it is, but it's a somewhat expensive stamp and I had planned on looking for it. One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles was to get closer to whales, so I can record them. I haven't gotten around to it because where we live is actually east. It's way farther from the ocean than I expected. I appreciate your concern. It is really sweet. It's nice. But this machine's still kicking, you know?

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Quote from Nick

Jess: You want me to get real and stop being all cutesy and whatever, fine. Let's get real. You don't do anything. What did you want to do? I mean, isn't there something you wanted to accomplish?
Nick: Hey, I've done things. I wrote half a book about zombies.
Jess: Okay, just tell me. If you could do anything, what would you do?
Nick: You know, I'm the guy who... I can't just jump into something if I don't know what's gonna happen. I never have been that guy. Like, I'm the, I'm the guy that, if I don't know what's gonna happen, I don't do something. Ever. I don't care how bad I want to do it. I don't do it. Like, if everybody would go into the ocean and jumped in the water, well, I'm the guy on the beach guarding the wallets.

Quote from Jess

Jess: How many... ears does Daniel Boone have? He's got a... a right ear, a left ear and a... front ear. "Frontier." Get it? [both chuckle]
Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral.
Jess: What?
Nick: For sure. 100%.
Jess: What? Why?
Nick: Because of that joke.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess, you don't want to talk at a funeral. I've tried that once.
[flashback:]
Winston: What kind of dummy fixes a washing machine using a knife? [points to casket] This kind of dummy!
[present:]
Winston: It did not go well.

Quote from Nick

Jess: All right, Nick. All right. Get out there.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: I'll hold your wallet.
Nick: I don't have a wallet.
Jess: All right, well, that's fine.
Nick: I have a sandwich bag with my license and money in it.
Jess: Okay, I'll hold your sandwich bag. Get out there, go.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hi. Uh, my name is Nick Miller. I-I have a 9:00 a.m. today.
Receptionist: Fill these out. I'm gonna need a copy of your health insurance.
Nick: Oh. I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually. It's a mixture of, uh, paper money and change. I do have a check that's postdated. There's a 60/40 shot that's gonna clear. I hope that's good.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: It's because he refuses to wear a Bluetooth. You know that. I gave him one for his birthday, too, but he just laughed in my face. Gave it back to me for Hanukkah.
Winston: Well, according to this Web site, it could be a colloid nodule. But that's most common in golden retrievers.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I thought my lifestyle choices would rub off on him. I tried to set a good example. Treat your body like a temple. Treat your body like a temple. But he treats his like a dump. Like a dump!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I don't know why I would say that. Why would anyone say that? I've never gone through anything like this.
Cece: Yeah, well, I have.
Schmidt: What happened?
Cece: My dad died when I was 12.
Schmidt: That's, um...
Cece: The only way to get through it is to get through it.
Schmidt: You know, I had a cat that died...
Cece: Don't compare my dad to your cat.
Schmidt: It was a big cat. I mean, human size.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Are you sure you're okay? You're walking like a Disney witch.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Let me drive you to your doctor.
Nick: I don't have a doctor. I don't have insurance.
Schmidt: Nick, you need to see a doctor, if only to make sure that your junk is clean.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So she's fitting us in between patients.
Nick: [groans as he looks around] Jess? Is Sadie a gynecologist?
Jess: No, she's an OB/GYN.
Nick: [groans] I'm going to go.
Jess: It's a different thing.
Nick: I'm going to get out of here, actually, I think.
Jess: Yeah? I don't think you are. [Nick groans] Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum. Nick!
Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Older Woman: You can take mine. [chuckles]
Jess: I heard that, sister.
Older Woman: True dat.
Jess: Okay, you know what, Nick? I'm sorry that my only doctor friend is a gynecologist, but you're broke, so you're going to have to shut your mouth, and you're going to tag the things that you want in this Lucky magazine.

Quote from Schmidt

Sherman: We're gonna have to put this baby to bed.
Winston: No. No, no, no, Sherman, look, uh, I don't think you understand, man. This car's been with me through everything, so... if you could just fix it.
Sherman: This is not really officially a car anymore.
Schmidt: You didn't even buy the thing. It was given to you as an illegal recruitment gift from a college you didn't even go to.
Winston: Things happened in this car.
Schmidt: Like what? Desert Storm?

Quote from Cece

Cece: Hey.
Nick: Hey.
Cece: So I heard.
Nick: Of course you did.
Cece: Can I get a vodka soda?
Nick: [chuckles] Thank you. You being normal...
Cece: Vodka soda.
Nick: Okay.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, hey. My friends. Can I just say that these pills are amazing? I feel, like, really warm in my uterus. Oh! I feel good. Feel real good.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't want you talking at my funeral!
Jess: Okay.
Nick: You can go to my funeral, but you can't talk. My funeral is my time to shine. I want the girls to think, "I wish I brought Nick Miller to orgasm." And I want the guys to think, "I wish I bought him more stuff." And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks. You don't... you don't know how to be real. I can't have you trying to cheer people up.
Jess: I know how to be real.
Nick: Question: Am I wearing a hat?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: We all taking our shoes off? What's going on?
Winston: I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure, but I think you're finally about to see your best friend's penis. [Nick yelling]
Schmidt: Nick ... he's gonna sh ... he's gonna show his penis to the ocean and not me? Nick, wait!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is stupid! No, it's cold! My testicles are in my abdomen! What was I thinking?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know what I'm thinking about, Ceec?
Cece: What, Schmidt?
Schmidt: That when you stand up, there's gonna be, like, a perfect imprint of your butt in the sand.
Cece: That is what you're thinking about right now with your best friend down the beach going through what he's going through?
Schmidt: I know, I know.
Cece: Then why would you say that?


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