Winston: Jess.
Jess: Yes. Yes, my love.
Winston: Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long. I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. Be gone, honky! [throws drink at Jess] This is for your own good. Say good-bye to paradise, honey!

Schmidt: You would've been my nightmare. We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand.

Winston: It was Black Santa.
Schmidt: Santa Claus isn't even real.
Winston: We got a Black president, we got a Black Santa Claus.
Schmidt: It was not Black Santa Claus! What a ... that's ludicrous.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Now, what is he doing? He should be at home getting ready.
Jess: I believe. I believe Sam and I want to go see him.
Winston: To the Black North Pole!

Angie: You know, to be completely honest, when I first met you, I didn't think that you could handle this.
Nick: Handle what? The fact that you're a stripper?
Angie: Me being... Yeah.
Nick: Are you kidding? Me?
Angie: Yeah. Is it good? You're sweating a little bit.
Nick: You know what, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. I've had tetanus thrice in my life.

Jess: We're all here together. No drama. Not bad, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Jess: Are they just gonna play computer music all night?
Schmidt: What are you talking about? That's a really respected deejay, who was also an actor on Boy Meets World.

Sam: Got it.
Winston: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, man.
Sam: Now that I think about it, I mean, I'm not really surprised by you and... you know. I mean, three guy roommates. If I really am being honest with you, you were the only one that I was really threatened by. I mean, you got Metrosexual Jones and Sweatshirt Guy over there.
Winston: What are we talking about here?
Sam: Yeah, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You know, except for the mustache. Can I ask you something? How did you get her?
Winston: Oh...

Jess: I just believe things and go on believing them. If someone tells me a fat man's bringing me dolls every year, I just don't question it.

Winston: Well, whether or not Santa's real, it's just nice to have something to believe in.
Jess: Did you just say "Whether or not Santa's real"?
Nick: You don't believe in Santa Claus, do you?
Winston: No. Do I wish Santa was real? I mean, yeah.
Nick: Santa's not real, Winston.
Winston: Shut up, stupid! You're a dummy! So... and... I don't even c... Like, you're the... Okay, aw, here we go. You know what, look who's talking. You're the same guy who only eats mayonnaise on game days.

Angie: Whoa, what happened there?
Nick: Nothing. He told her that he loved her...
Schmidt: Okay, I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf costume. Is that too much to ask for? Instead I'm stuck here at this Lesbian cookie party. It's all wreaths, no trees.

Jess: You could at least take your coat off.
Schmidt: Oh, but I can't. Pastel walls give me the chills.