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‘Santa’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Santa

211. Santa

Aired December 11, 2012

Jess convinces the guys to join her at a series of Christmas parties before they split up for the holidays.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess.
Jess: Yes. Yes, my love.
Winston: Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long. I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. Be gone, honky! [throws drink at Jess] This is for your own good. Say good-bye to paradise, honey!

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You would've been my nightmare. We were on very strict instructions from Rabbi Schmulie not to say a word until the last Christian kid found out about Santa Claus. Ruining Christmas, very bad for our brand.

Quote from Winston

Winston: It was Black Santa.
Schmidt: Santa Claus isn't even real.
Winston: We got a black president, we got a black Santa Claus.
Schmidt: It was not Black Santa Claus! What a ... that's ludicrous.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Now, what is he doing? He should be at home getting ready.
Jess: I believe. I believe Sam and I want to go see him.
Winston: To the Black North Pole!

Quote from Nick

Angie: You know, to be completely honest, when I first met you, I didn't think that you could handle this.
Nick: Handle what? The fact that you're a stripper?
Angie: Me being... Yeah.
Nick: Are you kidding? Me?
Angie: Yeah. Is it good? You're sweating a little bit.
Nick: You know what, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. I've had tetanus thrice in my life.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I just believe things and go on believing them. If someone tells me a fat man's bringing me dolls every year, I just don't question it.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Well, whether or not Santa's real, it's just nice to have something to believe in.
Jess: Did you just say "Whether or not Santa's real"?
Nick: You don't believe in Santa Claus, do you?
Winston: No. Do I wish Santa was real? I mean, yeah.
Nick: Santa's not real, Winston.
Winston: Shut up, stupid! You're a dummy! So... and... I don't even c... Like, you're the... Okay, aw, here we go. You know what, look who's talking. You're the same guy who only eats mayonnaise on game days.

Quote from Schmidt

Angie: Whoa, what happened there?
Nick: Nothing. He told her that he loved her...
Schmidt: Okay, I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf costume. Is that too much to ask for? Instead I'm stuck here at this Lesbian cookie party. It's all wreaths, no trees.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You could at least take your coat off.
Schmidt: Oh, but I can't. Pastel walls give me the chills.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: We're all here together. No drama. Not bad, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Jess: Are they just gonna play computer music all night?
Schmidt: What are you talking about? That's a really respected deejay, who was also an actor on Boy Meets World.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You just think you can come back and I'm just gonna be waiting for you?
Sam: No, of course not. I mean... I had to at least try.
Jess: You're too late. I'm in love.
Sam: What?
Jess: With Winston.
Sam: What?
Jess: We've lain together.
Winston: No, yeah, I don't know how it happened. It just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.
Jess: The relationship.
Winston: You know, sometimes when we're hanging out, it can get a little rough.
Jess: Oh, boy, does it.
Winston: Yeah.
Sam: All right. Well, I didn't know that, so...
Winston: What's going on? I feel like I'm missing something.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey. I know... I know you're trying to avoid me, but just take this gift I got you and I will walk away.
Schmidt: I don't celebrate Christmas, okay? Or as I like to call it, White Anglo-Saxon Winter Privilege Night.

Quote from Winston

Sam: Got it.
Winston: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, man.
Sam: Now that I think about it, I mean, I'm not really surprised by you and... you know. I mean, three guy roommates. If I really am being honest with you, you were the only one that I was really threatened by. I mean, you got Metrosexual Jones and Sweatshirt Guy over there.
Winston: What are we talking about here?
Sam: Yeah, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You know, except for the mustache. Can I ask you something? How did you get her?
Winston: Oh...

Quote from Jess

Jess: Officer, I understand how this looks and smells, but I assure you, I would not ever get behind the wheel of a vehicle if I had had even a drop to drink. This has just been the most crazy night. And I'm not going to cry because I believe in traffic violations and paying your debt to society, but you have to believe...
Cop: I believe you.
Jess: You do? Why?
Schmidt: Jess, be cool.
Cop: Sometimes people tell the truth. You drive safely, and happy holidays.
Jess: Was that...?
Winston: Santa.
Nick: Black Santa.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece, do you want to come? I mean, I think there's a cab stand, uh... Uh, maybe it's down that way. Could be over there, I don't know. I didn't really give it away, you know. I'd never do that.
Cece: Happy Hanukkah.
Schmidt: Happy Moon Festival, Cece.
Cece: Nope, not a thing.
Schmidt: Happy Carnaval.
Cece: You should stop while you're ahead.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You know, maybe I found out too early. I was five years old when "Santa" gave me my own fire truck and a teddy bear that smelled like my dad's cigarettes. [chuckles] That's not Santa.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Slade and Sienna are having a house thing. Oshiro-San is serving whale meat after midnight.
Winston: Huh? What y'all talking about?
Nick: Shut up.
Jess: Sadie is having a cookie-decorating party.
Schmidt: The gorilla twins are having a thump-thump.
Jess: Let's try to hit all the parties we can. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay home and try not to call Sam.
Winston: What'd you say?
Jess: I'm gonna die alone. And merry Christmas.

Quote from Nick

Nick: The only we make this work is if we do the Irish good-bye. We leave the parties without saying good-bye. And I'm asking you guys as my friends to not be so damn awkward around my stripper girlfriend, just 'cause she's a stripper.
Schmidt: You are the most awkward.
Jess: You should probably stop calling her your "stripper girlfriend."
Nick: She's unpredictable and exciting, and I love that! Ol' Nick Miller lives on the edge now. Vroom! Vroom! And plus, we haven't had sex yet, and we might tonight. [grunting]
Winston: I understood that! Oh, yeah! What'd you say, though?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You haven't said one word to Cece since she got in the car.
Schmidt: I cannot believe that you invited her.
Jess: She's my best friend.
Cece: Hey, can I talk to you a little later?
Schmidt: Oh, were you hoping that I still had some soul left for you to crush?
Cece: I'm glad we're gonna be mature about this.

Quote from Jess

Jess: It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on. We're leaving.
Cece: Sam Sam? Where?
Jess: Yes, he's right over there. He's talking to a woman whose sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What a situation, huh, Jess? Forced to spend time with someone who ruthlessly rejected you after you told him how much you cared about him.
Cece: Maybe...
Jess: Damn, he looks good.
Cece: Just wants everyone to get along.
Schmidt: Okay, if he wanted everybody to get along...
Jess: I'm seriously freaking out right now.
Schmidt: ...then he wouldn't have acted like such a callous lady jerk.
Cece: Lady jerk?
Schmidt: Lady jerk.

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