Jess: Oh, Nick, go, go! We're gonna lose them! You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!
Nick: Look, if I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.

Jess: Cece still hasn't called me. Do you think you could test my phone again?
Nick: I can't. I don't have any more minutes.
Jess: Minutes, Nick?! Who still has minutes on their phone?!
Nick: I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I'm still using them. I'm sorry.

Nick: Um, that's interesting. I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words.

Hostess: Sir, you're clearly alone. We're gonna need this table.
Winston: Okay, so what do you think that over the past two hours, I, as a single person, have ordered eight separate entrees and have taken bites of different sizes of each of them to create some sort of pointless illusion? Do you know how insane you sound?
Hostess: God, I hate this job.

Nick: Whoa, you got there faster than I thought. Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna take a second of your time, but, uh and I probably already know the answer, but are you on drugs? I know the answer is no, so I'll just see you later, man.
Schmidt: Get in my room.
Nick: Don't want to be part of it!
Schmidt: Did you crack my e-mail password? How did you guess "Smithereens"?

Jess: I kind of want to get a gun.
Nick: I'm definitely sexually attracted to ladybugs.
Jess: Ok.
Nick: I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show. I think it's the best one. I know that you're really into...
Jess: It's not.
Nick: Yes, it is. He's very charming.
Jess: I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
Nick: I believe horses are from outer space.
Jess: I believe that too!

Jess: I'm with Nick here. You remember how hard he took it when Lance got busted. He just stared at that yellow bracelet and cried.

Nick: Okay, the moon landing... which is obviously fake.
Jess: No, it's not obviously fake.
Nick: No, that's actually not what-
Jess: Are you crazy?
Nick: The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way.
Jess: The moon landing's not- What?!
Nick: The shadows are off.
Jess: No, they're not.
Nick: Yes, they are. I've looked at photos on the Internet, and it proves it.
Jess: Nick, that's-
Nick: The shadows are off, the shadows are off!

Cece: I'm gonna junk-punch him. Turn the car around. We're going to the restaurant.
Schmidt: Why would you ? That seems rash. Maybe I don't know. Maybe staying away for a while, or at least I don't know talking about it, hearing his side. I don't...
Cece: Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly, and there is no excuse for it. The only thing that you can do is punch it in the junk.

Jess: Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary. You were right.
Nick: We have to talk about the things that he could use to pull us apart, okay?
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Okay. Okay, politics. You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
Jess: I'm in the Green Party.
Nick: Oh, that is so annoying.
Jess: Okay, I have been banned for my lifetime from Lake Ontario. Don't ask.
Nick: Okay. What else do you have?
Jess: My fear of pears.
Nick: Okay, you're afraid of pears?
Jess: And pear-shaped people.