Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Double Date’ Quotes

New Girl: Double Date

303. Double Date

Aired October 1, 2013

Schmidt awkwardly accepts an invitation for him and Cece to double date with Jess and Nick. Meanwhile, Winston tries to get a table at an exclusive restaurant for the group.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Oh, Nick, go, go! We're gonna lose them! You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!
Nick: Look, if I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.

Rate

Quote from Nick

Jess: Cece still hasn't called me. Do you think you could test my phone again?
Nick: I can't. I don't have any more minutes.
Jess: Minutes, Nick?! Who still has minutes on their phone?!
Nick: I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I'm still using them. I'm sorry.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Um, that's interesting. I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Whoa, you got there faster than I thought. Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna take a second of your time, but, uh and I probably already know the answer, but are you on drugs? I know the answer is no, so I'll just see you later, man.
Schmidt: Get in my room.
Nick: Don't want to be part of it!
Schmidt: Did you crack my e-mail password? How did you guess "Smithereens"?

Quote from Winston

Hostess: Sir, you're clearly alone. We're gonna need this table.
Winston: Okay, so what do you think that over the past two hours, I, as a single person, have ordered eight separate entrees and have taken bites of different sizes of each of them to create some sort of pointless illusion? Do you know how insane you sound?
Hostess: God, I hate this job.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I kind of want to get a gun.
Nick: I'm definitely sexually attracted to ladybugs.
Jess: Ok.
Nick: I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show. I think it's the best one. I know that you're really into...
Jess: It's not.
Nick: Yes, it is. He's very charming.
Jess: I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
Nick: I believe horses are from outer space.
Jess: I believe that too!

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm with Nick here. You remember how hard he took it when Lance got busted. He just stared at that yellow bracelet and cried.

Quote from Cece

Cece: I'm gonna junk-punch him. Turn the car around. We're going to the restaurant.
Schmidt: Why would you ? That seems rash. Maybe I don't know. Maybe staying away for a while, or at least I don't know talking about it, hearing his side. I don't...
Cece: Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly, and there is no excuse for it. The only thing that you can do is punch it in the junk.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary. You were right.
Nick: We have to talk about the things that he could use to pull us apart, okay?
Jess: Okay.
Nick: Okay. Okay, politics. You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
Jess: I'm in the Green Party.
Nick: Oh, that is so annoying.
Jess: Okay, I have been banned for my lifetime from Lake Ontario. Don't ask.
Nick: Okay. What else do you have?
Jess: My fear of pears.
Nick: Okay, you're afraid of pears?
Jess: And pear-shaped people.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay, the moon landing... which is obviously fake.
Jess: No, it's not obviously fake.
Nick: No, that's actually not what-
Jess: Are you crazy?
Nick: The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way.
Jess: The moon landing's not- What?!
Nick: The shadows are off.
Jess: No, they're not.
Nick: Yes, they are. I've looked at photos on the Internet, and it proves it.
Jess: Nick, that's-
Nick: The shadows are off, the shadows are off!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [on the phone] Hey, Elizabeth, what are we doing tonight?
Elizabeth: Dexter and pie.
Schmidt: Girl, you treat me right. [to Cece] Hey, there she is, my one and only.
Cece: Oh, thank God, coffee. I barely slept last night.
Schmidt: Yeah, me, too. I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat.
Cece: I aim to please.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, you want to split that pasta from last night, hmm? Winston and Furguson 'bout to split some pasta. Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you. Got nothing but love for you. Go ahead, chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee. [off everyone's look] What? So what are y'all talking about, going on dates? Oh, y'all are talking about that. Okay, cool. Nobody invited me. Is it 'cause I'm single? I mean, I I know I'm single. I'm okay with it. It was a choice that I made as a man to be alone. Don't nobody know you like you, so I'm I'm choosing to know myself, who I am. And if that's okay with you all, can I come?
Schmidt: All right, where should we go tonight, you guys?
Winston: What about that new spot Picca?
Schmidt: A day-of rezzie at Picca?
Winston: You guys don't think I can do it, huh? Well, funk that. Bishop can get a table at a chair store.
Jess: Well, that's it, then. Double date plus one!
Winston: You know what would be nuts? If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
Nick: Ah, don't do that.

Quote from Nick

Cece: Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
Jess: Yeah, yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky? My bro and my ho.
Nick: My penis it's gonna be exposed.
Jess: It's okay, just cover up.
Nick: Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
Cece: It's about Schmidt.
Nick: Okay, I'm not involved in this at all. Hiding from the world. You can't see me, I can't see you.
Cece: I know this sounds totally paranoid, but I think he's on drugs.
Nick: Schmidt on drugs? Okay, not getting involved starting now.

Quote from Cece

Cece: It's just like he's had this crazy energy lately. And did you see how insane he was when we were talking about the double date? Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking. Is that whippits?

Quote from Winston

Winston: [eats mint drop] Yeah, so that's glass. That ain't no mint. Nope. Definitely glass, and I swallowed that, so you should consider, uh, a sign.
Hostess: Do you have a reservation?
Winston: You know, it's funny that you would ask that because, you know, I tried to call, like, but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation for tonight around 8:00 p. m. Let's say, like, five people.
Hostess: I have an 8:30.
Winston: Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
Hostess: Seven weeks from now.
Winston: Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no. Look, there's got to be something that you can do.
Hostess: Well, you could try your luck at the community table.
Winston: Community hell, no. Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand. This has to be an official reservation.
Hostess: No.
Winston: I'll tell you what, maybe this will change your mind. [writes on card]
Hostess: "I owe you a hundred dollars."
Winston: Oh, hell no. No, that that was supposed to be a ten.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I feel terrible about this, I don't know what to do.
Nick: How could you do this with Jess's best friend?
Schmidt: I don't know, I feel really badly about it!
Nick: In your little brain, how do you see this ending?
Schmidt: I see it ending badly. I see it ending very, very badly.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone] Hello, Picca? Yes, I need a table for five. This is author Toni Morrison. I am? Well, oh, yeah? Well, I think you're a woman! Hello?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Schmidt! Hey! My best friend?! You Long Island street trash!
Schmidt: Damn it, Nick, you told her?
Jess: No, he didn't tell me! I I happened upon it.
Schmidt: Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?
Nick: Jess, I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.
Jess: Put your freakin' visor down. Now, you you're gonna tell Cece or I will, you you crumb bum!
Schmidt: Yes, well said.
Jess: You are a lowlife.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What's going on, man? You guys were acting all so weird back there, and you're driving like a maniac.
Schmidt: Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want to have to say anything, but... Here we go. Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
Cece: What?!
Schmidt: Apparently, they met at some gas station. She's much older. Much, much older. Deeply Korean. I just found out. And, I mean, Nick is my best friend and all, but I can't even be in the same room as that scumbag right now! Oh, I'm so mad! I'm just so, so mad! I'm terribly angry about the whole situation. I can't even drive. Take the wheel. Oh, why, God?! He was the best of us! Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
Cece: Sorry.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message. Just a friendly time update. 8:13, hope you guys aren't bailing on me, or maybe you just lost track of time being couples! [laughs] Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.

Quote from Schmidt

Elizabeth: You liar! Here's your pie! You broke my heart. Mail me my mouth guard.
Schmidt: [to Jess and Nick] In case you were wondering if Cece had Elizabeth's number, sh... she does. So, tough time in Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say? Just a quick heads-up, Nick, Jess. I blame you for this whole thing.
Jess: You can't seriously-
Schmidt: I was going to fix it. I wasn't going to hurt anyone. But, since you took it upon yourself to hurt both of them, should it take me the rest of my life, I'm going to break the two of you up.
Jess: Bring it, Schmidt.
Nick: It's impossible. We're really strong.
Schmidt: It will be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it. It could actually be when you're watching the movie version of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Regardless... I... am coming... for you.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode