Schmidt: The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher.
Nick: Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's the best way to get her?
Schmidt: Get her on the dance floor, a little bit softer now, a little bit louder now, sweep her off her feet, we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon. At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house. Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera.
Nick: Do you realize how long you were just talking?
Schmidt: There she is. Whew! A beautiful piece of hamentaschen.
Nick: What the hell is hamentaschen?
Schmidt: Problem is her dad is my rabbi. He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things about me.

Nick: What did you come here to talk to me about?
Schmidt: As I was saying earlier, I have a very difficult flirting situation here. I mean, it's a double black diamond: trees, moguls. And, as we both know, you're the best wingman who's ever wung.
[flashback to Schmidt and a wheelchair-bound Nick crashing an outdoor, woman's yoga class:]
Nick: Thank you, Schmidt! I'm almost glad I got in the accident so we can have more days like this together, with you helping me through this. How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time? Whoa. [wheelchair rolls]
[flashback to a book store:]
Nick: Excuse me. Are you the writer of So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? Incredible. Can I have your autograph?
Schmidt: Of course.

Nick: Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day.
Jess: Not mysterious. Jet setter.
Winston: You know, I always imagined her with a French-speaking black husband, like a Jerome St. Pierre.

Nick: What is this place?
Schmidt: It's a bar mitzvah.
Nick: I am not watching a kid get circumcised.

Coach: Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner. It's a double date now. Things are already weird enough between me and Cece.
Winston: Because you went on a date two months ago and she never texted you?
Coach: Yeah.
Winston: Be a man, Coach!
Coach: All right.
Winston: Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine. And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian.

Nick: [in the mirror] Oh, tidings, Abigail. I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas. It's a pleasure to-
Schmidt: Oh, good God. Is that a common barber's comb?
Nick: Look, Schmidt, I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

Schmidt: All you care about is Jess. Remember when we used to be best friends? Uh, that was neat. What a neat time in my life that was.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt! My girlfriend's embarrassed of me. Can we go on that for a little bit? Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? The bird never gets to be the main bird. This.

Bertie: So, uh, Coach, what's new?
Coach: Nothing. Isn't that right, Cece?
Cece: Hmm? What's that supposed to mean?
Coach: Oh, you'll figure it out. If not, just text me. Or don't. You're good at that.
Cece: Oh, my God. Okay. We made out once, pointlessly, for two hours. That's it. Get over it. Let it go.
Coach: Pointless was it?
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: I mean, who does that?! Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months.
Cece: What are you talking about?! Ice out what? You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that?
Coach: Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday. Going out with you was the hottest and dumbest mistake I ever made!
Cece: It was the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake I ever made.
Coach: It was so dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall.
Cece: So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel.

Winston: You guys should try the fisherman's bisque. Has just the right amount of tang. That tang?
Bertie: Mm.
Winston: That's tang.

Winston: Hey, guys. Bertie's playing it cool, but you guys coming over for dinner tonight is a really big deal to her, so be there by 6, and no bailing.
Schmidt: Ooh, bailing on dinner. Nick, I need you. Wingman sitch. Jewish girl, sensible nose. High-level target.
Nick: I can't be your wingman. We got to go this Bertie dinner.
Winston: Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? She is making ten or eleven soups. And all of them are cream-based.