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‘Sister’ Quotes

New Girl: Sister

316. Sister

Aired February 11, 2014

Jess is asked to pick up her older sister Abby (Linda Cardellini) from jail. Meanwhile, Schmidt recruits Nick as his wingman for a bar mitzvah, and Winston and Bertie have a dinner party with Coach and Cece.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What did you come here to talk to me about?
Schmidt: As I was saying earlier, I have a very difficult flirting situation here. I mean, it's a double black diamond: trees, moguls. And, as we both know, you're the best wingman who's ever wung.
[flashback to Schmidt and a wheelchair-bound Nick crashing an outdoor, woman's yoga class:]
Nick: Thank you, Schmidt! I'm almost glad I got in the accident so we can have more days like this together, with you helping me through this. How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time? Whoa. [wheelchair rolls]
[flashback to a book store:]
Nick: Excuse me. Are you the writer of So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? Incredible. Can I have your autograph?
Schmidt: Of course.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher.
Nick: Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's the best way to get her?
Schmidt: Get her on the dance floor, a little bit softer now, a little bit louder now, sweep her off her feet, we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon. At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house. Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera.
Nick: Do you realize how long you were just talking?
Schmidt: There she is. Whew! A beautiful piece of hamentaschen.
Nick: What the hell is hamentaschen?
Schmidt: Problem is her dad is my rabbi. He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things about me.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day.
Jess: Not mysterious. Jet setter.
Winston: You know, I always imagined her with a French-speaking black husband, like a Jerome St. Pierre.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What is this place?
Schmidt: It's a bar mitzvah.
Nick: I am not watching a kid get circumcised.

Quote from Winston

Coach: Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner. It's a double date now. Things are already weird enough between me and Cece.
Winston: Because you went on a date two months ago and she never texted you?
Coach: Yeah.
Winston: Be a man, Coach!
Coach: All right.
Winston: Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine. And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: [in the mirror] Oh, tidings, Abigail. I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas. It's a pleasure to-
Schmidt: Oh, good God. Is that a common barber's comb?
Nick: Look, Schmidt, I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: All you care about is Jess. Remember when we used to be best friends? Uh, that was neat. What a neat time in my life that was.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt! My girlfriend's embarrassed of me. Can we go on that for a little bit? Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? The bird never gets to be the main bird. This.

Quote from Coach

Bertie: So, uh, Coach, what's new?
Coach: Nothing. Isn't that right, Cece?
Cece: Hmm? What's that supposed to mean?
Coach: Oh, you'll figure it out. If not, just text me. Or don't. You're good at that.
Cece: Oh, my God. Okay. We made out once, pointlessly, for two hours. That's it. Get over it. Let it go.
Coach: Pointless was it?
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: I mean, who does that?! Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months.
Cece: What are you talking about?! Ice out what? You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that?
Coach: Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday. Going out with you was the hottest and dumbest mistake I ever made!
Cece: It was the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake I ever made.
Coach: It was so dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall.
Cece: So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You guys should try the fisherman's bisque. Has just the right amount of tang. That tang?
Bertie: Mm.
Winston: That's tang.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, guys. Bertie's playing it cool, but you guys coming over for dinner tonight is a really big deal to her, so be there by 6, and no bailing.
Schmidt: Ooh, bailing on dinner. Nick, I need you. Wingman sitch. Jewish girl, sensible nose. High-level target.
Nick: I can't be your wingman. We got to go this Bertie dinner.
Winston: Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? She is making ten or eleven soups. And all of them are cream-based.

Quote from Joan Day

Jess: [answers phone] Hey, Mom.
Joan Day: Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt. I know the morning is the most sensual time of day. But, um, I need you. It's your sister.
Jess: Abby? What is it?
Joan Day: She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego.
Nick: How's everything with your sister?
Joan Day: I mean, she was caught stealing, they called the cops, it's a mess.
Schmidt: [to Nick] Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl.
Winston: Hey, Jess has a sister?
Nick: Yeah, I've never met her.
Joan Day: I need you to go to the jail, pick her up and put her on a plane home.
Jess: Oh, that's fabulous.
Joan Day: And by the way, um I don't know what kind of jail this is. So be prepared for anything. I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love.
Jess: Okay.
Joan Day: Love you. Hi Nick.

Quote from Jess

Nick: So, what's up with your sister?
Jess: Well, she's coming to town.
Nick: Great!
Cece: Ooh, yikes, that's...
Jess: The best news ever? I know! It's so, so, so, so, so, so, so good.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: So, I'll probably meet her at the airport for a little layover hang.
Schmidt: Why are you ignoring me, Nick?
Nick: 'Cause I'm paying-
Schmidt: Nick.
Nick: attention to my girlfriend.
Schmidt: There, a reaction! Thank goodness! Now I know I'm not a ghost.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Hey, hey. Are you really letting Nick meet Abby?
Jess: Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail. Like, straight-up jail. I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry. Bye, Nick! I'll see you later!
Nick: [o.s.] I'm out of shampoo! Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference!
Jess: Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! [whispers to Cece] He's never going to meet her.

Quote from Jess

Abby: Why don't you just for once in your life do something that you're not supposed to do?
Jess: I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Oh! Hello! What a day.
Old Woman: Oh a special day. Oh, take my hand.
Schmidt: Take your hand.
Old Woman: A special day.
Schmidt: You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you?
Old Woman: Mmm, I did.
Nick: I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. [tips yarmulke]
Old Woman: May I take your hand, too?
Nick: You can take anything you want, Shirley.

Quote from Coach

Cece: So, yeah, just the just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight?
Coach: Yeah, just, uh just-just you and me. Uh, and Bertie. And Winston. Just eating night lunch.
Cece: Yeah, like a you know, like a date. But not a date 'cause...
Coach: Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: So, uh... What is that? Is that a onesie?
Cece: Yeah.
Coach: How do you how do you take it off to use the bathroom?
Cece: Mmm

Quote from Cece

Cece: You look, you know, amazing.
Abby: You look amazing. Look at you. Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore.
Cece: [flatly] Oh, my God. You're just the best.

Quote from Jess

Abby: [to Coach and Cece] Mmm, you want to have sex with her, you are not so sure. If she doesn't want to put out, I will.
Jess: Abby Day.
Coach: There you go.
Jess: [sings] Abby Day, she always says The most inappropriate stuff.
Abby: You a cappella sing at me one more time, I'll rip that stupid little dress off you and shove it down your mouth.
Jess: Okay, I'm scared of you. [sings] Let's go in my room [quality] Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What a spread, huh?
Rabbi Feiglin: Terrible.
Nick: I agree.
Rabbi Feiglin: Thank God I have pizza in my car.
Nick: Yeah, that's very funny.
Rabbi Feiglin: What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke.
Nick: Who has pizza in their car?
Rabbi Feiglin: Listen, when I make a joke, you'll know it. I'm a joke machine.
Nick: What are the chances? I love jokes!
Rabbi Feiglin: Oh, good, okay. Uh... Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter?
Nick: No.
Rabbi Feiglin: Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?" [Nick laughs]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Rack-hael! Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.
Rachael: Oh, thank you! Uh, Shabbat sha-hello.
Schmidt: [laughs] Yeah. It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute.
Rachael: Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
Schmidt: How's Hebrew school?
Rachael: It's fine. It's the only place that would hire me after I got out of rehab.

Quote from Nick

Rabbi Feiglin: Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it.
Nick: 'Cause they're rich people.
Rabbi Feiglin: Yeah, they well, these particular Jews happen to be rich, but they worked hard.
Nick: I'm sorry. [phone rings] Hold on...
Rabbi Feiglin: Telephone call in the middle of a punch line?
Nick: Hey.
Rabbi Feiglin: Generation's the worst!

Quote from Jess

Nick: [on the phone] Hey, what's going on?
Jess: So Abby's flight is crazy delayed. Um, so, no time for dinner.
Nick: I can come right now, Jess.
Jess: No. Um, she has, um, a conference call with Hong Kong about a very important, uh... fashion business, uh, venture magazine conference.
Nick: Well, maybe I'll see her next time.

Quote from Schmidt

Rabbi Feiglin: Oh, no, no, no, no! You will not speak to my daughter! Rachael, this man is a nut ball!
Schmidt: A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball.
Rabbi Feiglin: Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball. You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr.
Schmidt: I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball.
Rabbi Feiglin: You're bad news. Bad news.
Rachael: Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me. Let him! Oh, I love sex! [whispering to Schmidt] Text me. Text me.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What was that, man?
Nick: Jess is embarrassed of me. Can you believe that?
Schmidt: What a shanda.
Nick: What's a shanda?
Schmidt: A shanda! What a shanda!

Quote from Jess

Jess: You see what you're doing, right?
Abby: [gasps] Oh, my God. I'm Mom. [Jess laughs] No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen? "Just a little bit."
Jess: "Just a tipple."
Abby: "I don't want to get stoned."
Jess: Hey, I love that she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned." [Abby laughs] Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got one of those very, very small denim backpacks.
Abby: What?
Jess: She did, and she calls it her blue guy. She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy."
Abby: Can't believe you're making fun of Mom. You're her perfect little baby.
Jess: I'm... Hey, I'm... I'm not really a baby.
Abby: You're a super grownup.
Jess: Thank you.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?
Outside Dave: Sorry. I'm doing my taxes. Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Not sure my body's built for these chairs.
Schmidt: It's a regular chair, man.
Nick: Yeah.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you.
Nick: Ah, she doesn't hate me. She's just ashamed of me or something.
Schmidt: Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world.
Nick: Easy. Okay, slow down.
Schmidt: I apologize if I went overboard.
Nick: Water under the bridge.
Schmidt: I've never been ashamed.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man. Feel like I blew it.
Schmidt: Well, she was kind of nutty. What happened to us, man? We used to be the best in the biz.
Nick: We still are. I'm the best wingman that's ever wung.

Quote from Jess

Abby: Don't you want to know why I left?
Jess: You saw my text, and I'm... I'm honestly sorry, but you do ruin everything!
Abby: Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one.

Quote from Winston

Winston: This is great.
Bertie: Mmm.
Winston: You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me.

Quote from Coach

Coach: That was awful.
Cece: That was the worst.
Coach: Oh, my gosh. Wow, what is happening?
Cece: Oh, Lord.
Coach: Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was embarrassing. [chuckles]
Cece: I'm sorry.
Coach: No, that's cool.
Cece: Can we just be friends now? You know?
Coach: Yeah. I mean, why not? Friends?
Cece: Friends. [they shake hands]
Coach: Friends.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Okay. Go straight to the gate.
Abby: Look I get why you're mad at me. Okay? But if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. I said I would never go back to Portland. So I guess I'm a complete failure. I'm the baby.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah.
Nick: What do you say, just get out there and do some weird dancing?
Schmidt: It's got to be bigger than that, man.
Nick: Bigger than that?
Schmidt: Then I come out there and I knock you out.
Nick: It's all right. Again, it'll be a stage punch. Don't worry. I've done several productions of...
Both: West Side Story.
Nick: I know. You told me.
Schmidt: As a Puerto Rican Shark. Da, da.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, the hero...
Nick: Gotcha.
Schmidt: He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo in the Florida Keys.
Nick: You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches. You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt. Do you s- Do you, do you hear yourself?
Schmidt: I-I'm unaware of it.
Nick: You- Okay. I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of-
Schmidt: I'm unaware of it.
Nick: But, like, it's weird.
Schmidt: I apologize. I'll stop doing it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [to the old woman and a teenage boy] Oh! Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass. How you doing? My name's Nick. You know martial arts? Swear to God you don't? You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat. I know your game. Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes. I wish I had 'em. Breaking my heart, beautiful.
Old Woman: What?
Nick: And I all do is love you. I give and I give. I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you.
Old Woman: We just met.
Nick: I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me.
Old Woman: Oh, wow.
Nick: I want to wear your lipstick.
Old Woman: Well, that's interesting.
Nick: I want to rip those earrings off and put 'em on and I want to be the girl!
Old Woman: That would be wonderful.
Nick: But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews. And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want. [kisses her]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [enters] You know what? There is something I just cannot shake, I been tossing and turning all night long.
Nick: We literally have been apart for like 15 seconds, man, get out of here.
Schmidt: I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings-
Nick: Don't do this.
Schmidt: for a, for a bird to dance. Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.
Jess: I agree.
Schmidt: And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him.

Quote from Jess

Abby: I'm Abby.
Nick: Abby.
Abby: Hi. Mom was right. He does have an uptown butt.
Jess: What?
Abby: I'd like to put that butt in ski pants.
Jess: What does that mean?
Nick: Nothing.
Abby: Everything.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Well, she is just a delight.
Jess: So I might have told a few lies about my sister. She's a total train wreck, and she was in jail.
Nick: Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been or are currently in jail? I get it.
Jess: It's just, she's such a...
Abby: [o.s.] I can hear you.
Jess: [whispers] Complicated person.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Can she stay with us?
Nick: Yeah, of course. How-how long?
Abby: A few weeks.
Nick: Few weeks.
Abby: A month, tops. Six months, super tops.
Nick: Six months.
Abby: Just till I get on my feet. Oh. What's your address? In case I want to get any "deliveries."
Jess: I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you, I'm n- "Deliveries?" No. Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no.
Nick: Depends what you want "delivered."
Abby: I'll figure it out.


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