Reagan: It isn't a dream job. Sure, it comes with a great salary and a vaccination for the coming elk flu. The flu that you're gonna be hearing about for the next decade.

Jess: [on the phone] So I fly you down. You are my gift to Nick. What do you say?
Reagan: I don't know, Jess. I mean, I have a really big pitch tomorrow. It's a treatment for... I mean, the polite term is "gravelly bowel syndrome."

Reagan: So do you know the bride or the groom?
Robby: The bride destroyed my heart.
Nadia: I destroyed the groom's Jew penis.
Reagan: Mm. I hope you guys are giving a toast.

Reagan: I am never gonna figure him out. I feel like I found a forest baby, and I don't know when it's hungry or in pain or afraid of the kitchen light.
Jess: I know. [chuckles] Nick is just an enigma wrapped up in a bunch of Chicago Bears crap. You need the help of a seasoned vet.

Cece: Ouch... shoot. [inhales sharply]
Reagan: Hold on, let me see. Okay. You know what? Hold on a second. We have this new heat-activated antiseptic gel. You're gonna love it. Astronauts use it to masturbate.

Reagan: What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I am hooking up with her. I'm dating her a little bit, but I'm over it, and I'm trying to avoid her. What are you telling people I'm here for a month for?
Winston: Oh, you see what we're doing right now? We're vibing, we're talking about stuff! Okay, now it's my turn. Let me do you. Um... I think I swallowed a Band-Aid earlier.
Reagan: Now I have to dump her, and I have never dumped anybody before. I don't know how. I travel so much that I usually just disappear.
Winston: Wow. Okay. I will help you break up with her.
Reagan: Why? 'Cause you've been dumped, like, a million times?
Winston: No. Because I'm your roommate, and we have each other's backs. Wait a minute. What makes you think I've been dumped a lot?
Reagan: Please. I read you guys the moment I got there. Nick's deal is, he honest-to-God might be 50. Schmidt's deal is he had to Shazam "Stairway to Heaven." And your deal is you've been dumped a lot.
Winston: You're pretty good. You're pretty good.

Reagan: Okay, are you absolutely sure that this is the way to go? Can't we get our hands on, like, a water polo team? Or hire escorts? Or call in a bomb threat to the audition.
Jess: In this political environment? Oh, I'm nervous even saying it.

Reagan: Why don't I see any orders for Recombinex from you this month, Don?
Dr. Richards: Well, um...
Reagan: What is this? Spectavir, Donny? Are you kidding me?
Dr. Richards: Maybe we can talk when you've...
Reagan: When I've had a chance to consult my physician about the possible side effects of Spectavir? Side effects which include dry mouth and diarrhea, wet mouth and constipation, butt sneezing, hysterical deafness, unwelcomed night-running, dusty semen...
Dr. Richards: You know what, why don't I put in an order for Recombinex.
Reagan: Ooh, great, but only if you want to.
Dr. Richards: Anything else I can do for you?
Reagan: Not unless you can get me a hotel room downtown for the next month. My company is putting me at the Redbrick Lodge and Seafood Hut. My key is a fish.

Reagan: Look. Cece is definitely too good for you.
Schmidt: I know.
Reagan: No, but seriously. Like, she's way too good for you.
Schmidt: No, I know that.
Reagan: Like, you should have never had a shot. It doesn't make any sense.
Schmidt: No, trust me. I said, like, I-I've known this the whole time.
Reagan: I understand quantum physics more than I understand how you ended up with Cece.

Reagan: Look, Camilla, I, uh... I don't want to... I don't want to hurt you.
Camilla: Just say it.
Reagan: Okay. [clears throat] The truth is... ...that I'm a criminal.
Winston: What?
Reagan: I'm a criminal. You shouldn't be with me. I'm disgusting. Things I've done. Things I'm capable of. Hard life, short life-- I probably won't live that long.
Camilla: I can't believe this.
Nick: She's a criminal. Filthy. Disgusting crimes. One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life.
Camilla: And who are you?
Nick: I'm her, uh, co-criminal. Co-gangster. We run the streets together. From Bangkok to Chicago to here. Just murdering people. My name is Nick. On the streets, they call me, uh...
Reagan: Sharky.
Nick: Sharky, that's right. 'Cause I attack from beneath up.
Cece: It's all true, Camilla. And her name is not Reagan. It's Suzi Shimizu. [hands over ID]
Camilla: You're Japanese?
Reagan: Very much so.