Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Schmidt: You know, when we first met, I had to pretend that all kinds of things were wrong with you just so I wouldn't freak out. You know, like, I gave you a glass eye for a while. You had a wooden foot for a short period of time. There was one week where I pretended that you were a Democrat.
Cece: I am a Democrat.
Schmidt: [laughing] Ah, that's so funny. I love you.
Cece: Okay. So we tell Nick she has a glass eye.
Schmidt: He'll spin out. He'll think the eye is a government-issued camera taking pictures for Langley. [Cece scoffs] Nick's a conspiracy theorist. It's like an Irish carnival up there-- just potato peels, broken rides, fiddle music, dreams left unfulfilled, bloodied soccer jerseys, bunch of women limping around named Moira.

Schmidt: I'm soft like a lady. You won't even know.
Nick: But what if I get a surprise?
Schmidt: "A surprise"?
Nick: What if there's a surprise on me?
Schmidt: There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
Nick: What if I'm fighting the war and boom... there's a surprise!
Schmidt: You go north, I go south. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm in steerage and I'm rowing. And I'm rowing and I'm rowing and the... You're up in the crow's nest. Fre-fresh air up there, man. And I'm in the trenches, you know? I'm digging for coal. I'm breathing in those fumes. And you're up here. You're just taking in the sights. You're spotting dolphins, huh? You're just the handsome prince covered in salty sea spray...
Nick: I don't want you calling me handsome before a potential four-way!

Schmidt: Cece has zero idea that you're flying her mother in for the engagement party tonight. She is... she is alarmingly in the dark. Maybe it's a cultural thing. You know, we saw the British coming. India did not.

Schmidt: [on the phone] Yes, hello. I'm calling to remind you to vote for a better America and a vote for a better America is a vote for Hubbedy Bubbedy.
Mary Ellen: Hillary Clinton.
Schmidt: That's what I said. Hibiddy Bibbidy.
Mary Ellen: It's Hillary.
Schmidt: Yes, I know.
Mary Ellen: Hillary Clinton!
Schmidt: And I keep saying that. Okay? Hubbedy Barry. Maria Conchita Alonso.
Mary Ellen: What's wrong with you?
Schmidt: Celery Flintstone. [hangs up] I can't do this! Vote for Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Give me that. [grabs another phone] Paul Ryan in 20... 2020, for President of the United States. Paul Ryan in 2020! [grabs another phone] Pau... Paul Ryan in 2020. President of the United States. Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Paul Ryan in 20... [struggling] Get off of me! You smell like a wet campsite.

Nick: Are you okay? You look gray.
Schmidt: I didn't sleep. I was up preparing for an epic day of wedding decisions. I'm calling it D-Day. Of course, in this situation, the "D" stands for "decisions," and unlike the other D-Day, it will not be a walk on the beach.
Jess: That's incredibly offensive.
Schmidt: I know.

Schmidt: [to Jess] You bonded emotionally. If you end up having sex with him, it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
Cece: You got to listen to him. He's right on this one. Sorry.
Schmidt: I know what I'm talking about. I have my 10,000 hours. Outliers. You should read it. Malcolm Gladwell. It's one of my desert island books. Along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries, a little Phantom T.
Cece: I love Phantom Tollbooth.
Schmidt: Of course you do ... you're a human being.

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Jess: Yeah, Nick, he might pull the funding from the school, so I'm just a little bit...
Schmidt: Blame your period. I've actually done this before. I mean, both parties knew that I was lying, obviously, but it didn't matter because they knew that I had utterly humiliated myself, and at the end of the day, they respected that.

Schmidt: Look at them. I feel like Andie MacDowell in Multiplicity, living in a house filled with clones.
Cece: It is the second time this week you've compared yourself to Andie MacDowell. It's weird.