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‘Birthday’ Quotes

New Girl: Birthday

313. Birthday

Aired January 21, 2014

Nick plans a surprise party for Jess's birthday.

Quote from Nick

Winston: [on the phone] Yeah. She is here. What happened?
Nick: She doesn't think I can do anything or plan anything, and it feels like crap. Maybe she's right. Why did I think I could pull this off? I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack. And I haven't arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history. I wasn't building a bomb! I was just curious.

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Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Sure you know how to tap a keg?
Schmidt: How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: He's right, though. I can't do anything. No skills. Never told you this, but I didn't even graduate high school.
Schmidt: A lot of people never graduated high school. Okay. Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank. I'm gonna take back that last one.

Quote from Jess

Rose: Well, I know how you feel about movies. I mean, my parents took me to see Witness and then they never came back.
Jess: What?
Rose: I can really quote that movie though. "Be careful out among them English." But enough about me! I am talking your ear off, lady, and it's your birthday.
Jess: This year's gonna be different. Maybe Nick has something big planned, maybe not. I'm gonna be chill. No expectations. Low maintenance. No maintenance. I'm just gonna be one of those cool girlfriends, like in the movies. She just, like, has bed head and she wears, like, men's shirts and she's just like, "Yeah, cool. "I'll wear, like, men's shirts and, like, sneakers and stuff. And, like, I don't care about how I look."

Quote from Cece

Mike: You're giving your Saturday to Cece? That's cool. That's really wonderful. Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
Coach: Absolutely.
Winston: Yeah, it's pretty clear.
Cece: I'm ready.
Mike: You set fire to soda water. Who does that? How do you even possibly do that? It's not a flammable thing. It's not even- Are you a witch?
Nick: Mike.
Mike: I hate all of you hipsters so much...

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What are you doing here, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Nick thought you might need some help.
Cece: Yeah, well, I don't, okay? So you can go.
Schmidt: Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit. Double-tap some Insta-G's.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Well, then, I'll do the countdown.
Winston: You know what? I'll do the countdown then. The countdown begins when this timer goes off.
Coach: You set the timer for 20 minutes. [Winston unwinds the timer] I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be, like, "Ew. Why do you say moist? I hate that word." I'm gonna be, like, "Just taste the cake." And they're gonna be, like, "Damn, it's moist!"
Winston: And...
Coach: Bake!
Winston: Okay, bake! I said it first. I said it first.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Why did I think that I could bartend?
Schmidt: Because you can. You are strong, and you are confident. Those are skills. Use them. And be a little bit meaner to the people here. It should be easy for you. Just pretend that they're me.
Cece: You're right. That is easy.
Schmidt: And pull your shirt down a little bit. This isn't a monastery.
Cece: Do not push your luck with me.
Schmidt: I'll look away.

Quote from Coach

Jess: I'm getting up.
Coach: Oh! Jess.
Winston: No, no, no.
Coach: Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Want you to close your eyes, breathe deep, and go to the most magical place on earth-- your imagination.
Jess: Have you guys been baking?
Coach: Ah, nah. Bakery downtown exploded. Don't look into it. It's not on the Internet.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on movie screen] Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick. You obviously knew that. Um, I know this is where you always go on your birthday to be by yourself, but I thought this year you might want a little company.
Nick: Mind if I sit?
Nick: [on movie screen] Look under the seat. Now please read the card, I'll wait.
Jess: How did you know I was gonna be sitting here?
Nick: I put one under every seat, but you got to go fast, 'cause of the timing.
Jess: Okay. "My name is Jess, I like to wear tights. It's dark in this room, so let's turn on the lights."
All: Surprise!
Nick: That's enough. Timing, guys, timing.
Winston: [movie v.o.] In the beginning, there was nothing, and then there was light and dark and oceans and birds and stuff and then there was Jess!
Jess: Nick? This was the plan all along?

Quote from Winston

[on movie screen:]
Cece: What do I think of when I think of Jess?
Winston: When I think of Jess. Okay.
Dr. Foster: When I think about Jess...
Rose: I think of how sweet she is and how smart she is.
Winston: Uh, is glasses and the hair thing.
Cece: Think of dance parties and sleepovers.
Coach: Jess does not like being tackled.
Winston: The eyes, two eyes.
Dr. Foster: Happy birthday, Ms. Day. Your youthful exuberance exhausts me. May it fade with each passing year.
Coach: Well, she made me try papayas. That was cool. They're super soft inside.
Outside Dave: Jess is the upstairs lady.
Winston: There is a there is a ma- I feel like I'm not doing this right.

Quote from Nick

[on movie screen:]
Rose: Happy birthday to my best work friend. Tina, if you see this, I'm sorry. I just feel like we drifted apart after Jeremy's cocaine thing. It was awkward.
Sadie: "When the stirrups of life start to feel like the speculum of old age" Nick, I'm not reading this. Happy birthday, Jess. Your boyfriend is sweet and simple and will not get out of my waiting room.
Bearclaw: I saw a squirrel once. It looked like Jess. Then it attacked my sister, so I had to beat it with a stick, and then it didn't look like Jess anymore. Happy birthday. It's Bearclaw.
Winston: Birthday Winston is about to do some.
[Tran is on the screen but doesn't say anything]
Nick: [to Jess] He said a bunch, but it was really weird and racist.

Quote from Nick

[on movie screen:]
Kids: Happy birthday, Ms. Day. Yay!
Joan Day: What I remember most of all is the pain. Honestly, it was 36 hours-- more than that-- of just searing, ripping, and then... [claps] [imitates baby wailing] Out you came, the most beautiful, beautiful little baby I ever saw in my life. And I forgot all the pain.
Bob Day: When you were born, I got a deli sandwich at the hospital cafeteria. And then there was a baby.
Cece: Happy birthday to my oldest and my best friend.
Dr. Foster: Happy birthday, Ms. Day.
Coach: Happy birthday.
Outside Dave: Birthday.
Sadie: Happy birthday, Jess.
Rose: Happy birthday, Jess.
Bearclaw: Happy birthday from Bearclaw.
Bob Day: I love you. Happy birthday.
Joan Day: Happy, happy birthday.
Kids: You have a cool boyfriend.
Nick: This is the coin I had in my pocket the first night we kissed. And I always have it. Happy birthday, Jess.


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