Winston: [on the phone] Yeah. She is here. What happened?
Nick: She doesn't think I can do anything or plan anything, and it feels like crap. Maybe she's right. Why did I think I could pull this off? I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack. And I haven't arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history. I wasn't building a bomb! I was just curious.

Cece: Sure you know how to tap a keg?
Schmidt: How hard could it be? It's beer, for crying out loud. It's the drink of idiots.

Cece: He's right, though. I can't do anything. No skills. Never told you this, but I didn't even graduate high school.
Schmidt: A lot of people never graduated high school. Okay. Einstein, Bill Gates, Anne Frank. I'm gonna take back that last one.

Rose: Well, I know how you feel about movies. I mean, my parents took me to see Witness and then they never came back.
Jess: What?
Rose: I can really quote that movie though. "Be careful out among them English." But enough about me! I am talking your ear off, lady, and it's your birthday.
Jess: This year's gonna be different. Maybe Nick has something big planned, maybe not. I'm gonna be chill. No expectations. Low maintenance. No maintenance. I'm just gonna be one of those cool girlfriends, like in the movies. She just, like, has bed head and she wears, like, men's shirts and she's just like, "Yeah, cool. "I'll wear, like, men's shirts and, like, sneakers and stuff. And, like, I don't care about how I look."

Mike: You're giving your Saturday to Cece? That's cool. That's really wonderful. Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
Coach: Absolutely.
Winston: Yeah, it's pretty clear.
Cece: I'm ready.
Mike: You set fire to soda water. Who does that? How do you even possibly do that? It's not a flammable thing. It's not even- Are you a witch?
Nick: Mike.
Mike: I hate all of you hipsters so much...

Cece: What are you doing here, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Nick thought you might need some help.
Cece: Yeah, well, I don't, okay? So you can go.
Schmidt: Maybe I'll just stay for a little bit. Double-tap some Insta-G's.

Coach: Well, then, I'll do the countdown.
Winston: You know what? I'll do the countdown then. The countdown begins when this timer goes off.
Coach: You set the timer for 20 minutes. [Winston unwinds the timer] I'm gonna make a cake so moist, girls are gonna be, like, "Ew. Why do you say moist? I hate that word." I'm gonna be, like, "Just taste the cake." And they're gonna be, like, "Damn, it's moist!"
Winston: And...
Coach: Bake!
Winston: Okay, bake! I said it first. I said it first.

Cece: Why did I think that I could bartend?
Schmidt: Because you can. You are strong, and you are confident. Those are skills. Use them. And be a little bit meaner to the people here. It should be easy for you. Just pretend that they're me.
Cece: You're right. That is easy.
Schmidt: And pull your shirt down a little bit. This isn't a monastery.
Cece: Do not push your luck with me.
Schmidt: I'll look away.

Jess: I'm getting up.
Coach: Oh! Jess.
Winston: No, no, no.
Coach: Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Want you to close your eyes, breathe deep, and go to the most magical place on earth-- your imagination.
Jess: Have you guys been baking?
Coach: Ah, nah. Bakery downtown exploded. Don't look into it. It's not on the Internet.

Nick: [on movie screen] Hey, Jess, it's, uh, Nick. You obviously knew that. Um, I know this is where you always go on your birthday to be by yourself, but I thought this year you might want a little company.
Nick: Mind if I sit?
Nick: [on movie screen] Look under the seat. Now please read the card, I'll wait.
Jess: How did you know I was gonna be sitting here?
Nick: I put one under every seat, but you got to go fast, 'cause of the timing.
Jess: Okay. "My name is Jess, I like to wear tights. It's dark in this room, so let's turn on the lights."
All: Surprise!
Nick: That's enough. Timing, guys, timing.
Winston: [movie v.o.] In the beginning, there was nothing, and then there was light and dark and oceans and birds and stuff and then there was Jess!
Jess: Nick? This was the plan all along?