TV Quotes

Big Schmidt: Love each and every one of you sons of bitches. Now, who are you? I'm Groomsman Number Two. [chuckles] Big Schmidt, Schmidt's cousin.
Robby: I'm Robby, Groomsman Number Four. I am the ex-boyfriend of the bride, and a weirdly close friend of the groom.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: I'm Number Five, J. Cronkite Valley-Forge. CFO of Associated Strategies, LLC. I'm 62 years of age, was recently widowed, and I believe earnestly that if we can all work together this wedding season, we will get more boom-boom than a TNT factory. [men laughing] Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time.
Winston: I have a brief statement from G3, who could not make it here tonight. It says, "Dear Jess, I can't fly in for every damn party. I will see you at... [imitates Coach] the wedding." If you know Coach, that's exactly how he... "Wedding." And then he always goes, "Coach." [laughs]

Nick: As we all know, marriage is about sex and property. Everybody say that with me once. Marriage is about s... [all silent] I imagined that differently.
Schmidt: [on video call] You're okay. You're okay. Pull it together. Just let the index cards go. Speak from the heart.
Nick: You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar. And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't. When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him. I don't like his personality." Magic's fake. [guests murmuring] Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack. In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us. I mean, think about it. Do you remember your great-great grandparents or... or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter. Everyone you know will be dead.
Schmidt: That's right.
Nick: Congratulations, man. I love you.
Schmidt: Best friends.
Nick: That's my time, everybody. Thank you.
Schmidt: Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.

Schmidt: So, it's my birthday.
Jess: Right now?
Schmidt: Right now.
Jess: Happy birthday.
Schmidt: Happy birthday, Schmidt. I'm 29, folks. What's up? 29! 29! [laughs] Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? That feels embarrassing. Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think. Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess?
Jess: Maybe a little bit.
Schmidt: Maybe.

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-ak-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.

Schmidt: Now we need another good idea in four days.
Nick: Ah, I can't work under pressure like this. You know that I get nervous. I am just a man. I am not a god.
Schmidt: Uh, I think we're all aware of that.
Nick: Why you talking like that?
Schmidt: Like what?
Nick: "Well, we're all aware of that."
Jess: Guys, stop fighting! You're upsetting Winston. [Winston smiles]

Nick: Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, so I got you a regular cookie and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.
Schmidt: What is this?
Nick: A Jewish star... I just said that.
Winston: Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
Schmidt: This... Is so terrible!
Nick: You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We're even! We're even, Schmidt! I mean, what do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt? I've been racking my brain all day. I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes. I didn't know what to get you. And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. I don't know, man. You love me too much, Schmidt, and you picked the wrong guy. And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours? I'm just gonna let you down, man.

Sergeant Dorado: I've never seen someone sweat so much in my life. It looks like your body is crying. What are you hiding?
Nick: Distraction! [throws a plush] Okay. You're a tough cookie. And that's the last thing I'll say.
Sergeant Dorado: Hmm.
Nick: Look... Okay, you want the truth? I'll tell you everything. When I was 13 years old, I once made love to myself behind a post office.

Schmidt: Great, we're in agreement. Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key.
Nick: Give her a key? [scoffs] I'm a little confused. Is that really necessary? It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. The park is always open, and the squirrel is there with rabbit, and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. So does squirrel need key?
Schmidt: What is happening? You're dropping all your articles.
Nick: I not!
Schmidt: Now you're losing verbs!
Winston: So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends?

Winston: I tell you what, uh, I'll partner with Daniels.
Aly: You would do that for me?
Winston: I'll take Daniels, yeah.
Aly: Thank you.
Winston: Of course, of course, but... it does come at a price.
Aly: Ugh... I knew you were gonna... [sings] Gonna squeeze you tight Our love takes flight...
Winston: I just... I can't hear you.
Aly: [sings] Gonna squeeze you tight Our love takes flight [Winston joins in] Sometimes it scares me Other times it doesn't Gonna squeeze you tight Our love takes flight Our love Takes... Flight.

Jess: Nick. You're gay.
Nick: Huh?
Jess: You're gay. Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.
Nick: Be gay?
Jess: [opens door to Ian] Hey. I just had to make sure these animals flushed.
Ian: Oh.
Jess: Not you, you fastidious queen.
Ian: Oh, y-you must be Nick.
Nick: Well, friends call me Gay Nick.

Concierge: Sir, may I help you? Are you a member?
Schmidt: I just had an incredible layover. Flew in from Istanbul. I just need to lay down for a while. I'm a little...
Concierge: Okay? Certainly. Uh, do you have a first-class ticket or a membership card?
Schmidt: Do I have a... a membership card? Let me ask you something. I tend to, uh... tend to deal with, uh, Sarah Beth.
Concierge: I'm not aware of a Sarah Beth, sir.
Schmidt: The last time I talked to her, she was suffering from the diabetes. Is she still on the inhaler?
Concierge: Uh...
Schmidt: Did she pass? She passed, didn't she?
Concierge: I'm afraid I...
Schmidt: I'm gonna need a minute. I'm just gonna go inside, sit down, just kind of take...
Concierge: Are you a member, sir?
Schmidt: Am I a mem...?

Jess: That said... thanks for putting them up to it.
Nick: Jess, I don't know what you're talking about.
Jess: "Upmost"? There's only one person I know that says "upmost." It's "utmost."
Nick: "Utmost"?
Jess: "Utmost."
Nick: [chuckles] Agree to disagree. But the good news is my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you. You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost.
Jess: I assure you, it's "utmost."
Nick: What's an "ut"? Come on, you're a writer. It's "up." Up to the most. Not ut to the most. I assure you.
Jess: Okay, sweetie.
Nick: You didn't come in here and say, "Thanks for putting them ut to it." I would've laughed you out of here. What is an "ut"?!

Jess: I've wanted this forever and I came so close at my last school. Like, champagne and Prosecco close.
Nick: So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now. Ours now. It could just be part of the loft. We could just put it in a... Congratulations.
Jess: You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr. Miller.
Nick: What? But I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything!

Winston: [on the phone] Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? I don't want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.

Schmidt: What do you mean, you're gonna have your own kid?
Nick: When I have my own kid. Don't make a big deal of it. I just... I don't... I don't hate your plan. I kind of like it.
Things have been going pretty good for me lately, and I-I would like to meet my own Maria. With-a the meatballs.
Schmidt: With-a the red sauce.
Nick: [laughs] With-a the red sauce. I want to see that plan you got for me.
Schmidt: Well, come on, man. It's a rough draft, but you should check it out.
Nick: What do we got here, chief? "Nick has a boy. He calls him Gio." We die on the same day in 2098?
Schmidt: You murder me and then kill yourself.
Nick: There's not a chance I make it to 2098. Not a chance. I don't want to see the 2050s.
Schmidt: Oddly enough, you won't. See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.
Nick: That's why you're the genius. That's why you're the genius.

Winston: Oh... new partner's here. Guys, as they say, when one chapter ends, a bridge appears, and then you cross that bridge and make lemonade out of a molehill.
Nick: Okay.

Jess: Hey. I'm just getting Cece some leggings for the hora. Can't have everybody seeing the bridal bouquet.
Nick: I don't know what you said to Reagan, but I want to say thank you, because she wants to go for it with me. She wants to do this.
Jess: Well, that's awesome. Congratulations.
Nick: Yeah, I'm freaking out. I can't believe it. I mean, why does she want to be with me? It doesn't make any sense. You of all people know that I'm just the weird detour you take before you find the guy you want to be with. I basically just help women realize that they could do a lot better...
Jess: Stop it, Nick! I'm tired of you being the only person who doesn't see how incredible you are.
Nick: Okay. I'm, uh, I'm incredible.
Jess: Yes, you're incredible.
Nick: All right, thanks. All right, I'm booking a ticket. A ticket...?
Jess: Yeah, Reagan is going to New Orleans for work for three months and she asked me to go with her, and... I'm gonna do it.

Schmidt: Look, I know you don't trust my dad, but I'm happy that he's here. We're working through stuff.
Nick: Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have a relationship with your father. I really do, but I've been down this road so many times. He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden expects...
Schmidt: It's "blue". It's "blue."
Nick: Well, thanks, Eye-stein.

Coach: You guys are way too messed up to be going.
Nick: You're not an expert. I am. Nobody knows we're stoned. If we didn't go, then they would know.
Coach: You're saying that be... if we don't go to the party, they're gonna think that we're high.
Nick: Oh, the guy who's never done weed. That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." You don't "do weed." That's a test.
Coach: You said it.
Nick: Listen to me, first order of business, we eat their food.
Coach: Okay.
Nick: Then you look at the pool. "Aw, what a great pool. I wish... I wish I could dive for rings." Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. Um, I was just thinking of this impression. [clicks mouth] Who am I doing? [clicks mouth] Who am I doing?
Coach: Al Pacino?
Nick: Maybe. So, then, you get home, you eat some pizza... Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad.