Trending ‘New Girl’ Quotes
Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.
Jess: Guys, look at us. A year ago, we were spinning around like cows in the movie Twister. Now look at us. You guys are engaged. You're a minority owner of the bar. I'm the maid of honor who's made of honor. That joke works better on paper.
Winston: Yeah, probably.
Jess: And this guy... is the cop who freaking saved a freaking kid's life.
Boy: Help! I'm stuck!
Winston: [grunts as he lifts car up and frees the boy]
Boy: [groans] Thanks, Officer.
Winston: Call an ambulance.
Boy: I feel fine.
Winston: [screams] For me!
Winston: You know, Channel 4 is calling me the Carport Hero. I just... I just really hope it sticks. It's not a big deal.
Schmidt: Great, we're in agreement. Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key.
Nick: Give her a key? [scoffs] I'm a little confused. Is that really necessary? It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. The park is always open, and the squirrel is there with rabbit, and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. So does squirrel need key?
Schmidt: What is happening? You're dropping all your articles.
Nick: I not!
Schmidt: Now you're losing verbs!
Winston: So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends?
Nick: [on the phone] Fine, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'm breaking up with Reagan and it didn't quite go as planned. I'm- I'm in a really bad situation and Jess always says the right thing and I, I really need her.
Bob Day: Let me- Let me ask you a question. You're in the ocean with Jess, and a shark starts coming towards you. What do you do?
Nick: Which ocean?
Bob Day: I-I don't know, Pacific.
Nick: What type of shark?
Bob Day: What the hell difference does it make?
Nick: Well if it's a hammerhead, you just tickle it between the sideways eyes and you have a companion for life. Then you got tiger sharks, you got whale sharks, you got trumpet sharks, which I believe are a thing. If not, it definitely should be.
Bob Day: It's just a regular shark. You know what? Good-bye.
Nick: Okay, vague premise aside, I don't know what I would do, but if Jess was with me, I'm sure... I'm sure we'd be okay. She's got that giant heart that's, that's part compass and, and part flashlight and... she's just the greatest person I have ever met. Bob? Does that answer your question or what?
Bob Day: It does. Weirdly enough, it does.
Cece: Hey, babe, do not get concerned. He's probably just tired or hungry, or getting jealous that I'm spending so much time with his best friend.
Nick: As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry, but the third thing is way off base. If you weren't a girl,
Nick: I'd karate chop you in the mouth.
Cece: You would get winded just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy.
Nick: Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop, you stupid idiot.
Cece: You are such a door knob.
Nick: And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead! [laughs] Look at her flinch.
Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-ak-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.
Nick: As we all know, marriage is about sex and property. Everybody say that with me once. Marriage is about s... [all silent] I imagined that differently.
Schmidt: [on video call] You're okay. You're okay. Pull it together. Just let the index cards go. Speak from the heart.
Nick: You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar. And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't. When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him. I don't like his personality." Magic's fake. [guests murmuring] Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack. In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us. I mean, think about it. Do you remember your great-great grandparents or... or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter. Everyone you know will be dead.
Schmidt: That's right.
Nick: Congratulations, man. I love you.
Schmidt: Best friends.
Nick: That's my time, everybody. Thank you.
Schmidt: Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.
Nick: Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, so I got you a regular cookie and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.
Schmidt: What is this?
Nick: A Jewish star... I just said that.
Winston: Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
Schmidt: This... Is so terrible!
Nick: You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We're even! We're even, Schmidt! I mean, what do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt? I've been racking my brain all day. I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes. I didn't know what to get you. And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. I don't know, man. You love me too much, Schmidt, and you picked the wrong guy. And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours? I'm just gonna let you down, man.
Winston: All right, man. I'm gonna take off. I gotta head to the station before my dance gathering.
Schmidt: You can't go to the station like that. They'll make fun of you.
Winston: When are you gonna stop worrying about what people say? When I look into my suggestion box, it is full. [laughs] People have a lot to say about the way I live my life. But there is only one comment card that I pay attention to. And you know what that card says? It says, "Great job. Keep it up." And you know who filled out that card? Me. You know how I know? Because I recognize my motherfreakin' handwriting. [backs away]
Schmidt: Now that's a Goosebumps Walkaway.
Nick: [leaving a voicemail] I don't know why you disappeared, Jess, but you know what, I'm sure you'll fill me in back at the hotel. Also, when I sign a book "Kill yourself," you think they know that's a reference to Pepperwood's dilemma at the fish market, right? Actually, you know what, that's a question for Reagan. Okay, sorry. See you later, Jess.
Jess: Are you a lifeguard?
Nick: No, that is a false certificate. Just a classic beach prank.
Jess: That seems dangerous.
Nick: It's funny, 'cause I I can't swim. Everyone was watching me, and I'm like, "I don't know". I was 13! I was 26. This is the problem with the box. It's my private stuff.
Jess: You've never once done jury duty or paid your taxes.
Nick: Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere. I stand by that. And I don't want to do jury duty or pay taxes.
Nick: Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan.
Jess: Right. I don't understand, no.
Nick: It's rivalries.
Jess: Sharks and cats.
Nick: Yankees, Red Sox.
Jess: Whales and dolphins.
Nick: Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion.
Jess: I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert.
Nick: Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation.
Cece: Okay, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned, an old-fashioned. If it's old-fashioned, it probably has something like absinthe...
Schmidt: Oh, the old-fashioned. One of my favorite drinks; a classic cocktail. Just a half ounce of simple syrup. Splash of water, two dashes of bitters. Mix that up with some ice. And then, you know my personal favorite. You know, and just, far be it from me, but the bourbon whiskey.
Schmidt: Two ounces of bourbon whiskey. No. It's not the Scotch whiskey. It's- No, it's certainly not the vermouth. Vermouth would be insane. Yes, the bourbon whiskey. My favorite. Wonderful. Look at that. Old-fashioned.
Cece: Hmm. Old-fashioned?
Mike: [flatly] Oh, my stars and garters, you made a drink. Holy crud.
Schmidt: So... How do you like America?
Nadia: I like salad bar. I like Despicable Me. Tosh 2.0. I like Connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, uh... sidewalk. I like 1-800-SLIM. "Your Mama" jokes. Strawberry. Wilmer "Velmavelma". Leon J. Panetta. Ice skating for fun, not to save life. [laughs]
Schmidt: What are you laughing at?
Nadia: Cheese. Is for mouse. Are you Mick Mouse?
Schmidt: Am I what?
Nadia: Why don't you get in your spaceship like Mick Mouse?
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Nadia: Mick Mouse.
Schmidt: What is a Mick Mouse?
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: I don't understand what Mick Mouse is!
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: I don't under... I don't... What does that mean? What's a Mick Mouse?
Nadia: Mick Mouse!
Schmidt: Are you saying Mickey Mouse?
Schmidt: In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound.
Nadia: Let's do sex party. I sex you in face.
Schmidt: You're gonna sex me in my face?
Jess: Hey. I'm just getting Cece some leggings for the hora. Can't have everybody seeing the bridal bouquet.
Nick: I don't know what you said to Reagan, but I want to say thank you, because she wants to go for it with me. She wants to do this.
Jess: Well, that's awesome. Congratulations.
Nick: Yeah, I'm freaking out. I can't believe it. I mean, why does she want to be with me? It doesn't make any sense. You of all people know that I'm just the weird detour you take before you find the guy you want to be with. I basically just help women realize that they could do a lot better...
Jess: Stop it, Nick! I'm tired of you being the only person who doesn't see how incredible you are.
Nick: Okay. I'm, uh, I'm incredible.
Jess: Yes, you're incredible.
Nick: All right, thanks. All right, I'm booking a ticket. A ticket...?
Jess: Yeah, Reagan is going to New Orleans for work for three months and she asked me to go with her, and... I'm gonna do it.
Schmidt: Um... [clears throat] Excuse me, Marissa, I'm very sorry. I... I would just be remiss if I let this moment pass me by. You know, I'm a lucky man. Because I wouldn't be the man that I am today if it weren't for the experiences that I've had right here. So, thank you... for being the worst that humankind has to offer. That includes Harvey Levin and every cast member that's ever been on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Thank you for showing me that athletic apparel is something that should never be worn outside the house, you chubby-thumbed pickle hoarders. And in conclusion, you're all ugly. I make money. You just got roasted by the California Kid. I did it! [silence] [Nick applauds]
Marissa: Oh, you sure do talk a lot when your mouth isn't full... Great Neck. [laughter] Thank you, Schmidt. Boy, that was real embarrassing for you, huh?
Nick: That guy is super hot?
Nick: Okay, if you say so.
Cece: I don't say so. The Lord says so. That boy is off the charts.
Nick: I wouldn't know.
Cece: Okay, don't be that guy.
Nick: I'm not being that guy. I don't see it.
Cece: Don't be the, "Eh, I wouldn't know" guy. It's a bad color on you.
Nick: No, I'm not saying it's a color. I'm not even making... like... I don't see that he's more handsome.
Winston: I have been getting all kinds of female attention lately. Did I suddenly get more attractive?
Nick: How should I know?! I don't see that kind of thing. I'm just trying to write.
Winston: Check it out, Schmidt ... I got you a clownfish.
Schmidt: I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.
Winston: Let's just cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece.
Schmidt: Cece the woman?
Schmidt: You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. That doesn't make any sense.
Nick: [to Jess] You really think mine was food? I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.
Schmidt: In that order?
Nick: Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob."
Schmidt: Yeah, but that's the correct-
Nick: That's the order, yeah.
Jess: So, here's the plan. We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're gonna get her buzzed but not drunk. And then we're gonna casually and naturally bring up the apartment so she thinks it's her idea.
Nick: And I can do that, okay?
Jess: Okay, good. I'm glad.
Nick: I'll act cool, natural. Casual. Au naturel. Au casual.
Jess: You know what? Maybe I should write you some lines, pal.
Nick: Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause... Maybe not a lot of words.