Waitress: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.
Jess: Um, can I please just stay, just a little bit longer?
Nick: [rushes in with the guys] We're here. Yup. We're here, Jess! We're here.
Schmidt: We're here for the date, the date thing.
Waitress: You're all on a date?
Nick: Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We are reverse Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her.

Jess: So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh my God, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on in the dark", and you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police", and she's like "Okay" but it's too late because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

Jess: Hello? I came home early.
Spencer: Jess. What-
Jess: Who's Jess? You're talking to...Tiger Boobs. [takes off her coat]
Spencer: Oh...
Jess: [sings] I'm doing sexy things with the pillow.
Spencer: This-
Jess: I'm doing sexy stuff to the plant right here.
Spencer: Woah, okay.
Jess: I'll pick that up later. [sings] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? [spins around naked] It's Jess!

Nick: It's okay, hey, don't cry. [singing badly] For I've had the time of my life.
Coach: What is he doing?
Nick: And I've never felt this way before. Yes it's true. Na na na na na, and it's... [hits Coach] something something something, something something.
Coach: [sings] Oh, those bears, in my house...
Nick: And it's the song that really really makes you happy.
Schmidt: I'm not uh, I'm not doing any of this. [Nick hits him; sings:] Just remember, you're the one thing, I can't get enough of.
[As Jess laughs, the three guys all sing different lyrics]
All: I've had The time of my life And I owe it all to you
Nick: Come on, what time is it?
All: The time of my life.

Jess: You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women. [all laugh]
Schmidt: [serious] Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, what-
Nick: Schmidt wrote the ad.
Jess: Oh. I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, uh, like "sun-soaked" and "beigey".
[As Nick and Coach laugh, Schmidt takes off his shirt]
Nick: What are you doing?
Coach: Wow.
Schmidt: What about these? These look beigey to you?

Nick: I'm sorry.
Coach: I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of the house that coach built right here.
Nick: What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth.
Schmidt: This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.
Coach: What!? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now.
[The camera cuts to a jar labeled "Douchebag Jar"]
Schmidt: Are you serious?
Coach: Yeah! Now.
Schmidt: Dammit.
Nick: LLS, what is wrong with you?

Schmidt: I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. Okay, you guys? Models.
Coach: I say no. I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out.

Jess: I don't know if I'm ready.
Schmidt: You're totally ready for it. I'll take you through the whole thing. You know, I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... Okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references, let's put 'em in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. [whispers] He lives in a cave.

Schmidt: You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's just take the head off the couch. Come on. Sit up, girl. [Jess sits up] Look at that, doesn't that feel good? There we go.
Jess: I think that sounds nice. [sings] She's going out to find a rebound. Who's that girl? It's Jess!
Nick: Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?
Schmidt: [pause] I'm- I'm gonna fix it.

Jess: So are you always just like wondering, like, what was it, was there something I could've done differently? [Nick shakes his head] Do you know what happens to people who keep it all inside? They get old, and they get sad and they get weird, and then you're the old man yelling at the kids who are running across your yard and you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard. My life's filled with regret." You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
Nick: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Jess: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
Nick: No, I was being mean, I'm not gonna do that, Jess.
Jess: Why not?! It's fun!
Nick: Because I have a penis, Jess.
Jess: [sings] My name is Nick, I have a penis and I'm not gonna let any feelings out.
Nick: Okay Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.
Jess: Yeah, I know.