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‘Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 20, 2011

After finding her boyfriend Spencer cheating on her, Jess looks for a new apartment. Meanwhile, Schmidt is excited about a party.

Quote from Nick

Waitress: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.
Jess: Um, can I please just stay, just a little bit longer?
Nick: [rushes in with the guys] We're here. Yup. We're here, Jess! We're here.
Schmidt: We're here for the date, the date thing.
Waitress: You're all on a date?
Nick: Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We are reverse Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her.

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Quote from Jess

Jess: So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh my God, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on in the dark", and you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police", and she's like "Okay" but it's too late because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hello? I came home early.
Spencer: Jess. What-
Jess: Who's Jess? You're talking to...Tiger Boobs. [takes off her coat]
Spencer: Oh...
Jess: [sings] I'm doing sexy things with the pillow.
Spencer: This-
Jess: I'm doing sexy stuff to the plant right here.
Spencer: Woah, okay.
Jess: I'll pick that up later. [sings] Who's that girl? Who's that girl? [spins around naked] It's Jess!

Quote from Nick

Nick: It's okay, hey, don't cry. [singing badly] For I've had the time of my life.
Coach: What is he doing?
Nick: And I've never felt this way before. Yes it's true. Na na na na na, and it's... [hits Coach] something something something, something something.
Coach: [sings] Oh, those bears, in my house...
Nick: And it's the song that really really makes you happy.
Schmidt: I'm not uh, I'm not doing any of this. [Nick hits him; sings:] Just remember, you're the one thing, I can't get enough of.
[As Jess laughs, the three guys all sing different lyrics]
All: I've had The time of my life And I owe it all to you
Nick: Come on, what time is it?
All: The time of my life.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You know what's funny? When I saw your ad on Craigslist, I thought you were women. [all laugh]
Schmidt: [serious] Why would you think that? That's crazy. I mean, what-
Nick: Schmidt wrote the ad.
Jess: Oh. I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, uh, like "sun-soaked" and "beigey".
[As Nick and Coach laugh, Schmidt takes off his shirt]
Nick: What are you doing?
Coach: Wow.
Schmidt: What about these? These look beigey to you?

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: I'm sorry.
Coach: I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of the house that coach built right here.
Nick: What are we looking at here? That's baby smooth.
Schmidt: This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.
Coach: What!? What did you just say? Go put a dollar in the jar right now.
[The camera cuts to a jar labeled "Douchebag Jar"]
Schmidt: Are you serious?
Coach: Yeah! Now.
Schmidt: Dammit.
Nick: LLS, what is wrong with you?

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models. Okay, you guys? Models.
Coach: I say no. I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch, and let my beans out.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I don't know if I'm ready.
Schmidt: You're totally ready for it. I'll take you through the whole thing. You know, I'll be like your guide.
Jess: Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... Okay, first of all, let's take the Lord of the Rings references, let's put 'em in a deep, dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever.
Jess: Except Smeagol. [whispers] He lives in a cave.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's just take the head off the couch. Come on. Sit up, girl. [Jess sits up] Look at that, doesn't that feel good? There we go.
Jess: I think that sounds nice. [sings] She's going out to find a rebound. Who's that girl? It's Jess!
Nick: Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?
Schmidt: [pause] I'm- I'm gonna fix it.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So are you always just like wondering, like, what was it, was there something I could've done differently? [Nick shakes his head] Do you know what happens to people who keep it all inside? They get old, and they get sad and they get weird, and then you're the old man yelling at the kids who are running across your yard and you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard. My life's filled with regret." You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
Nick: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Jess: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
Nick: No, I was being mean, I'm not gonna do that, Jess.
Jess: Why not?! It's fun!
Nick: Because I have a penis, Jess.
Jess: [sings] My name is Nick, I have a penis and I'm not gonna let any feelings out.
Nick: Okay Jess, your left boob is resting on a plate of chicken wings.
Jess: Yeah, I know.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Do you have anything else that is, free, but also has bread in it? Because the.... The, like, good bread I ate and the... All that's left is a... It's like a... It's kind of like a health bread?

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just gonna walk in and I'm gonna drop my coat on the ground. He says he had this fantasy that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, and he's helping me put myself through college.
Cece: He didn't say the college part, did he?
Jess: Um, no, I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.
Cece: Really? What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh... Rebecca Johnson?
Cece: Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson.
Cece: Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. I am so proud of you.

Quote from Jess

Jess: That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry, what was the question again?
Nick: Do you have any pets?

Quote from Nick

Jess: This place is beautiful. It gets so much light. Spencer hated light. It's hard to say his name.
Schmidt: It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.
Nick: Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped.
[flashback to Nick and Caroline at a restaurant:]
Nick: I can't hear you, that means we're not breaking up! We can't break up if I can't hear you! No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Caroline: I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up. I'm breaking up with you. I need some time away-
[present:]
Nick: Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped. And I'm over it. Okay, it was six months ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even know why we're still talking about it. Why's everybody looking at me?

Quote from Jess

Jess: You know what, I want to live here.
Nick: Actually, I still have some questions. I mean, like, no offence but we barely know you.
Jess: Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the break-up so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing at least 6 or 7 times... a day. [Coach shudders] Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, stuff like that. Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot. [sings] A lot... I'm tired of living with my friend. She's a model. All her friends are models.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, um, can you give us a second? I've just gotta.. I gotta talk to my boys.
Nick: "My boys" is not a thing in here.
Schmidt: My bros.
Nick: Okay, Douchebag Jar.
Schmidt: Come on, you're my bros.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Nick, it's all you, buddy.
Nick: Well, first, let me say I think you guys make some really interesting points. Points that I respect, but I will say this. I have lived with a woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and so I know that there are pros and I know that there are real cons, guys.
Coach: Nick, you're weak!
Nick: Okay, Pros: they smell nice. Cons: every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why. They'll ruin your life if you let 'em, they'll break down your will to live. Pros: they're really good at folding.
Coach: Make a decision!
Nick: I'm sorry, you know what? But, like, another pro, like when you-
[Nick puts his hood up over his head]

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: [to Nick] Don't hood me. Please don't hood me. Okay.
Nick: I know what I'm talking about.
Coach: We pushed him too hard.
Schmidt: We did push him too hard. How about this? Executive decision, she's in.
Jess: [o.s.] Yay, I'm in!

Quote from Nick

Jess: [on the phone] I gotta go, mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. No, I don't think so. [to Nick] Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the internet?
Nick: Yes, I am.
Jess: He says no.

Quote from Coach

Nick: It has been a week of this madness. I am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take it.
Coach: You know what? I got this. [sits down opposite Jess]
Jess: Hi, Coach.
Coach: [firmly] Stop it. Stop!
[Jess wails even louder than before]
Coach: Schmidt!

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