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‘Neighbors’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Neighbors

204. Neighbors

Aired October 9, 2012

Jess starts hanging out with a group of younger neighbors in the building. Meanwhile, Nick pulls an endless series of pranks on Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Not only am I the youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful.
Jess: Oh! Shut up, Schmidt. Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy?
Schmidt: I'm sorry that you're not growing any more like me. And apparently, I'm gonna be growing forever. I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan. Peiter Pan. Pesach Pan.
Nick: Why don't you take it down a notch before this old man takes you outside and makes you pick a switch?
Schmidt: I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: I like getting older. I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality.
[flashback to Nick reading a comic on his front step as Frisbee lands beside him:]
Young Nick: Keep this crap out of my yard! And turn that nonsense down!
[present:]
Nick: They never did get that Frisbee back. I used that Frisbee as a dish. [chuckles]
Jess: Seriously?
Nick: I used it for pistachios in my room.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Now come on, guys, just tighten up, all right? Think young. What the hell is that smell?
Nick: It's Old Spice.
Schmidt: I'm smelling Old Spice?
Nick: Yeah, and yes, It has "Old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body.
Schmidt: Okay, well, take it off.
Nick: I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool.
Schmidt: It's not even a real spice, man. Take it off.
Nick: The Spice is coming back! Everybody knows it! The guy on the horse!
Schmidt: You can wear any spice. Don't wear Old Spice!
Winston: Classic cologne fight.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious. I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me.
Nick: No.
Jess: Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat! Get out of the city, Cousin Larry Appleton. I'm Frasier Crane.
Schmidt: No!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: So, when he said, "It's just going to be a bunch of young people," well, he must have meant, "You," meaning me, fellow young person, "You'll feel right at home. And you two walking corpses, stay away."
Nick: You're six months younger than me, Schmidt.
Winston: You're a corpse for sure.
Schmidt: Behold. This actuarial table stops at age 99. But if you track my current trajectory, I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old, so... Hello, robot sex.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Is this accurate?
Schmidt: No, no, no, Winston, I spend $49.95 a month on a subscription to an inaccurate real-time actuarial service.
Winston: Then I think I may have died four years ago.
Nick: Oh, yeah? That sucks.
Winston: "African-American male, life expectancy: 67 years"?
Nick: Sounds about right.
Winston: "Minus one year if you frequently question your career choice." Check. "Minus one year if your chosen field offers few opportunities for advancement." Check and double check.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Are you limping?
Schmidt: My hip is achy.
Nick: I wonder if it's your shoes. Did you try different shoes?
Schmidt: I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, rain or shine. You know that.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay, look, It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
Schmidt: No, it is not.
Winston: No, it's not.
Nick: But Urkel?! Come on. Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Would you like to know what I did at my job all day today?
Nick: Don't say "crushed it."
Winston: I'm gonna go with "crushed it."
Schmidt: Funny enough, uh, I crushed it. I crushed it all day today, and then I crushed it some more. And then it asked me what I was doing, and I told it that I was crushing it. That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess. You used to inspire me. I mean, not specifically... because I find teaching to be icky... but, you know, in a vague kind of "Look at that go-getter in a... in a brightly colored sweater" kind of way. What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess?

Quote from Winston

Nick: Winston, you're the worst at pranks in the whole world.
Winston: No, I'm not.
Nick: Yes, you are! You either go way too small...
[flashback:]
Young Winston: Hey. Let's pour a little juice near her shoe.
[present:]
Nick: ...Or you go way too big.
[flashback:]
Young Winston: Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski.
[present:]
Nick: You don't have a pranking sweet spot.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Who wants to start an arcade fire?
Jess: Schmidt.
Schmidt: What?
Jess: What are you doing? This is not the outfit we talked about.
Schmidt: What? Rock and roll.
Jess: You way overshot it.
Schmidt: Look at that. I'm being ironic.
Jess: That's not ironic. That's just a bad pun. And what are you doing here? Your arms are hot, but your neck is cold?

Quote from Nick

Nick: I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, but, you know, I think I spent... you know, $1,200 to $1,300.
Jess: What?!
Nick: On these pranks, yeah.
Jess: What?!
Nick: And I was under- budget, so...
Jess: Under-budget?
Nick: What, you think fake contact lenses are free? They are not, sister.
Jess: Nick, you don't have that kind of money.
Nick: I know I don't.
Jess: Where are you gonna get that from?
Nick: Doesn't matter. I had to prank Schmidt. And I did.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I've actually been working on something.
Schmidt: A résumé, maybe?
Jess: [as Urkel] Did I do that?
Schmidt: I'm sorry. Did you just say you were working on that?
Jess: It's Urkel!
Nick: Urkel?
Jess: Urkel.
Nick: Urkel, Jess?
Jess: It's funny.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt, but I love working at the Casserole Shanty. Today I got a locker, and in 18 months, I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage. So, yeah, my job pretty much rules.
[flashback:]
Jess: Low on bean! Low on bean! I repeat, I'm low on bean! I'm good on bean!

Quote from Schmidt

Chaz: Hey, we just moved in across the hall. I'm Chaz. This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie.
Schmidt: What's up? Schmidt.
Chaz: Any-turds, just wanted to give you a heads up that we're having some people over to hang tonight and it might get a little loud.
Schmidt: I like where your head is at. We're gonna be there with bells on. Dolla-dolla bells, y'all.
Chaz: Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people. So...
Jess: Hi. I live here, too. What are you names? [Schmidt closes the door on them] Schmidt!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Do you think that the neighbors will want, like, four individual casseroles or, like, one large party-size casserole?
Schmidt: Yes, Jess, that's exactly what hip, trendy millennials want to eat: casserole.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. Look at Anthony Eds, the "Goose" man. Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes.
Fife: Goose dies?
Sutton: Not cool, man.
Schmidt: No, it's... Look, nobody does an onscreen death like Anthony Eds. He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men. He's like the Hilary Swank of bald...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I work for a single-national corporation called Associated Strategies.
Fife: Moo...
Brorie: Oh, moo...
Schmidt: I know. Yeah. Totally, Fife. I get that. Moo... Moo...! [laughs] Right? That's a thing, right? Yeah? Moo?

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop. You missed an unreal hang last night. Unreal with a capital "uh."
Winston: Really? Those kids with the found furniture and no TV because it's cool?
Jess: It's a different world over there. A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job. A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself. A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases.
[flashback:]
Brorie: $500.
Jess: [as Stephanie Tanner] How rude! [all laugh] How rude!
Brorie: Just take it!
[present:]
Jess: They think I made those up.

Quote from Jess

Jess: There's just one tiny hitch. It's very awkward, and I don't know how to say it...
Nick: They hate Schmidt.
Jess: So much. How did you know?
Nick: If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn't hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich. Like, fill my gas tank all the way up rich.
Jess: He was all over the map. He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli.

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