Jess: [on the phone] Guys, I need to go in right now. What do I do?
Nick: Whatever the trial's about, I say I don't believe in it.
Cece: Just tell them that your parents are Pakistani militants. That's what I do; works every time. Yeah.
Nick: Why'd you have an accent when you said "Pakistani"?
Cece: Because that's actually how you pronounce it.
Nick: "Pakazani"?

Schmidt: So why don't we just sit down and... and talk this out like adults?
Nick: I would love to, Schmidty, but where will we sit?
Cece: Okay.
Nick: Oh, perhaps we'll sit on this pile of uneaten carrots. It's like I'm living with Secretariat, the horse! [laughs]
Schmidt: He's hilarious.
Nick: On the plus side, I'm being very witty during this fight!

Schmidt: First clause: "If a roommate has five or more grooming products in the bathroom, they must use a shower caddy or pay an additional ten dollars in rent, adjusted every two years for inflation." I currently pay an additional $11.97 in rent.
Cece: Okay, yeah, well, I'm not using a shower caddy, because I'm an adult woman and I don't live in a dorm.
Nick: Have you been to a dorm recently? It's like a spa. Those horny texters live like kings.
Winston: Nick is really damaging this negotiation.

Woman: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God?
Jess: The whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Gob.
Daniel Grant: Did... did you just say "Gob"?
Jess: Did you say "Gob"?
Daniel Grant: What?
Female Juror: Yeah, she said "Gob."
Jess: Whose side are you on?
Female Juror: Justice.

Schmidt: Is that Jess? [takes the phone] Jess. It's awful. I don't know what to do. I'm sure Cece has her flaws, but I just can't see them. And even if I could, what would I do? How does a man stand up to the sunset?
Jess: Cece and Nick are basically the same person. Both stubborn, hotheaded and brutally honest.
Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord. I'm marrying Nick.
Jess: Duh.
Schmidt: Aw. I kind of love that. All right, what should we do? Can't go to Cece's apartment. Nadia's baby is teething. Have you ever heard a Russian child scream?
Jess: All the time, in my Putin nightmare.

Winston: Jess, are you cool with me hanging this groundbreaking poster of dogs playing poker on the wall?
Schmidt: Jess, please tell him that he cannot hang this horrible painting.
Jess: I really have to go.
Nick: I think it's hilarious... they're playing poker.
Schmidt: Rather see a painting of Arnold Schwarzenegger, mid-coitus. [Winston grunts] Just straight up doing it.

Nick: [on the phone with Jess] And I would talk to Schmidt about it, but it's like he can't even see the mess. It's like he's love-blind or something.
Schmidt: Oh, man, I've never been this happy in my entire life. I got to tell you, you guys, Cece and I just had shower sex. [kisses Nick]
Nick: Don't.
Jess: Did he just kiss you? Why does he act like the Pope when he's happy?

Daniel Grant: This question is for potential juror number 16. This case involves marriage.
Jess: I don't believe in marriage.
Daniel Grant: Excuse me, you don't believe in marriage? As a concept?
Jess: Well, you know, you gotta keep the freeway open. Uh, 'cause... sooner or later, you're gonna get tired of the same cars driving down it. Capiche?
Daniel Grant: Yes, capiche.
Jess: The two things that are ruining this country are marriage and democracy.
Daniel Grant: How refreshing. Another person who wants to get out of jury duty. I thought some people took this seriously, but apparently not. Trial by jury is a pillar of our democracy, and yes, it is inconvenient. But sometimes, sacrifice and civic duty are. You don't deserve the honor of serving your country. Maybe you should live in South Africa, where they don't have juries.
Jess: I know, I know! They have a judge and two assessors. Look, I'm-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean all that other stuff. I'd be a great juror. If you put me on this jury, you will not regret it. That was an emotional moment, and I feel it would be best punctuated with a... crash of that thing.
Judge: Nah.

Schmidt: Great, we're in agreement. Now just sign here, and we'll give you a key.
Nick: Give her a key? [scoffs] I'm a little confused. Is that really necessary? It's like giving a squirrel a key to the park. The park is always open, and the squirrel is there with rabbit, and squirrel and rabbit are there all the time. So does squirrel need key?
Schmidt: What is happening? You're dropping all your articles.
Nick: I not!
Schmidt: Now you're losing verbs!
Winston: So, are the squirrel and the rabbit... they're friends?

Nick: Okay. I got you a little something. It's just to trade with. It's currency in there. I don't know.
Jess: Oh, that's so sweet, Nick. Um, but you know I'm not going to prison, right?
Nick: As long as you're free right here, you're never in prison.
Schmidt: I bought you this burner from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown. I believe it's small enough to conceal in the waistband of your underpants.
Jess: Oh, thank you, but...
Winston: It's four walls. They can't hold you, though.
Cece: Make friends with big ladies.
Winston: Keep your head up.
Jess: [chuckles] Okay.
Schmidt: Make sure to put, uh, toilet tissue down on the toilet seat.
Nick: Never sleep.
Jess: Thanks.
Schmidt: Make your toothbrush into a shiv.
Nick: Everything's a weapon.
Winston: See, hate put you in there, but love gonna bust you out.
Schmidt: Don't be afraid to put two layers of toilet tissue down.