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‘Socalyalcon VI’ Quotes

New Girl: Socalyalcon VI

619. Socalyalcon VI

Aired March 14, 2017

As Jess helps Nick prepare for a book convention, she realizes she's acting more like his girlfriend than his friend. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Cece struggle to keep their friends out when they finally move in to their house.

Quote from Nick

Nick: And I read that authors should all have a strong look, so I found four authors with strong looks, and I combined them. Tom Wolfe: white suit. Hunter S. Thompson: yellow sunglasses. David Foster Wallace: bandana. Toni Morrison: The Presidential Medal of Freedom.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Well, here's one from deep in the storage unit. Way in the back. I once got my foot stuck in a go-kart. And I had to...
Aly: Hop six laps alongside of it.
Winston: I've been kicked out of multiple focus groups for... for crying too much.
Aly: That happened yesterday, and I was with you.
Winston: I fell asleep in study hall. Had a very loud sex dream.
Aly: That happened to my family member, and I relayed the story to you.
Winston: I fell asleep in a bathtub.
Aly: Knew that.
Winston: And I once dislocated my thumb getting off a couch.
Aly: Okay, you got five more minutes on that hippo, and then we switch.

Quote from Cece

Jess: None of that's girlfriend stuff. That's all good friend stuff.
Cece: Okay, let me, uh, toss out a hypothetical to you, okay? Nick has a piece of lint on his sleeve. Do you go, "Hey, bud, you got some lint on your sleeve"? Or do you pick it off?
Jess: I don't see how that's relevant.
Cece: Yes, you do. Because you are a rabid watcher of The Crown.
Jess: I watch a lot of shows.
Cece: And so therefore, you know... that picking lint off of a man's sleeve... is the most intimate gesture.

Quote from Aly

Winston: Whoa.
Aly: I taught English in Japan for a couple years after college and... I fell in with a bad crowd. It was a time in my life I'm not proud of. I fell in with... with a Japanese game show crowd.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: So I really want to ask what's in the box, but, uh, it'll ignite a whole Se7en thing.
Schmidt: "What's in the box? What's in the box?"
Winston: "Repeat, John Doe has the upper hand."
Jess: I have got to see this movie. You guys make it sound so hilarious.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: At the risk of sounding cliché, should we have sex in the bedroom?
Cece: I think that's a great idea. [chuckles] [clattering] [gasps, shrieks]
Schmidt: The hell was that?! Are you the criminals?! From the statistics?!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Money is no object. That's why we rented a custom van, and even got space radio.
Reagan: Satellite radio.
Nick: No, space radio, the one that connects to everything in the air.
Reagan: There's a satellite.
Nick: What, the satellite's in the ground?
Reagan: No, the satellite is in the air.
Nick: Right. Space. Yeah.
Reagan: In the air. Satellite radio.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Ooh. Jess, thank you. This is perfect. Cece and I are completely moved into Jaipur Aviv. So tonight, we'll be doing it for the first time on our first night in our first house.
Winston: And I'm going to Aly's tonight. Yeah. Gonna be doing it for the 10,000th time on our 1,000th night in her... 100th apartment?
Jess: You think Aly's lived in 100 apartments?
Winston: I hadn't, I hadn't crunched the numbers on it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Well, that's perfect, Jess.
Jess: Well, it was easy. You have very few clothing items in your closet. Also, are those your tax returns? And why are you drying beef?
Nick: Because I don't have a file cabinet, and because I couldn't eat all the meat in one night. Now...
Jess: That's gross.
Nick: How do I look?
Jess: What you need is a navy blazer. Do you have a navy blazer or just the pit boss special?
Nick: What kind of a man owns multiple blazers? [snickers]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Jeremy.
Jeremy: On behalf of the neighborhood, may I be the first to say, welcome, sir.
Schmidt: "A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy." I didn't know you lived nearby.
Jeremy: I don't. But I will someday. Just as I will do everything that you have done.
Schmidt: [grunts] That's the tone that we talked about, Jeremy. No, thank you.
Jeremy: I can't wait to have a servants' entrance.
Schmidt: Let's not call it that.
Jeremy: Two points of entry. Very well done, sir.
Schmidt: Cece, I just thought of another reason why houses are better than apartments. Now we can enjoy two points of entry!
Cece: [o.s.] No, thanks!
Schmidt: I'm talking about the doors. I-I didn't mean...

Quote from Winston

Aly: So a lion scares Jess's old boss in Nigeria, and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America.
What a world.
Winston: It's all connected, baby. [Aly chuckles] And the broken dresser, that's my fault. I'm all haunch. I'll buy you a new one.
Aly: You don't have to. Because guess who has two dressers.
Winston: Rip Torn.
Aly: No. Me.
Winston: I mean, you and Rip Torn.
Aly: Stop talking about Rip Torn.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: "A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy" is very comprehensive.
Schmidt: Yes, the fact that we're in between a raisin house and a toothbrush house, makes me feel very confident about Halloween. Crime statistics? We have crime? Crime that warrants statistics?

Quote from Jess

Cece: About you and Nick. And about how you're being his girlfriend.
Jess: You mean being his good friend.
Cece: I mean being his girlfriend. A good friend will maybe drive someone to the mall in the daytime so that they can buy a blazer. They don't go on a giggly late night crime date so that they can steal one. That's girlfriend stuff. You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately.
[flashback:]
Jess: "Godfather of Soul, blank Brown." Five letters.
Nick: Bubba.
Jess: Okay.
[flashback:]
Jess: Wait, you want to know who wins in a fight between Winston Bishop and Winston Churchill?
[flashback:]
Boy: Hey, do you know what this book's about?
Nick: Bayou n-noir. Uh, Pepperwood, he's a private investigator...
Jess: It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything, to feel something.
Nick: Thank you.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I feel it is unfair. To Reagan. She's your girlfriend, I'm your good friend. She, you know, she should... she should get to make you sheet cake.
Nick: Yeah, that makes sense. I just need to make something clear between us. If that's okay. You're saying "sheet" like "ghost clothes," not like "in a toilet," right?

Quote from Winston

Aly: Those day laborers were right. This stuff is awesome. Why was I so embarrassed for you to see it?
Winston: If this is your deep, dark, embarrassing secret, then I am worried for you to see what's buried in my storage unit.
Aly: I feel like I'm pretty up-to-date on your embarrassing secrets.
Winston: Oh, honey. I have chapters in my life you know nothing about.
Aly: Wait, really?
Winston: Here we go. I once sold knives door-to-door in high school. And... Byron Allen knocked me out.
Aly: Yeah, that was, like, the first thing you told me when we met.
Winston: Oh, yeah. [laughs] I do use that as an icebreaker, I forgot.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [gasps] Oh, my God. It's not all of a sudden. They've needed me all along.
Schmidt & Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Am I the only reason they're together?
Schmidt & Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Am I the architect of my own nightmare?
Cece: Okay, no, no, no, no, honey. It's not like you introduced them or something.
Schmidt: Well, they did just get together because she left for jury duty.
Jess: I've pushed those two together like a god on Mount Olympus, too cheap to pay for porn.
Schmidt: No, no, no, it's like their relationship is a flood that's about to happen and you're the little Dutch boy with your thumb in the dike.
Jess: Well, no more. I'm taking my thumb out of them. [groans]

Quote from Jess

Jess: Is there anything other than Dutch boys or... god porn? I know, pandas. I'm a zookeeper. They are my panda.
Schmidt & Cece: What?
Jess: Pandas wouldn't be alive without humans. They can't run, they can't growl, they can't even mate without us.
Schmidt: Have you been helping Nick and Reagan mate?
Jess: In a way, yes. But I'm done. This zookeeper is through handing out bamboo. Reagan and Nick deserve a chance to see if they can survive on their own.
Cece: Yes, and the zookeeper deserves a chance to... be on a late night show with hilarious animals that... poop on the... host's... I don't... what am I saying anymore?
Schmidt: I don't know.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: And don't you worry about accommodations, because we also took care of that.
Nick: You got your very own hotel room. It's adjacent to ours, but it's very private.
Reagan: I mean, it is called a peekaboo suite, so there might be a little bit of crossover.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: All right, doggy door.
Schmidt: Sealed.
Cece: Attic.
Schmidt: Padlocked.
Cece: Crawlspace.
Schmidt: Uncrawlable. The cast of Sneakers couldn't get into this place.
Cece: Uh...
Jess: [enters] Well, I guess I'm going to Palm Springs. I just need your big-ass hat.
Schmidt: The front door.
Jess: Bye.
Schmidt: 25 points of entry is too many points of entry!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Okay, so I have one last secret.
Aly: So cute that you keep calling them secrets.
Winston: Just hear me out. Um, I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to. I mean, I thought I loved them, but then... I met you and realized... I've never been in love before.
Aly: I did not know that.
Winston: Yeah, it was eating me up inside, so I called them each individually and said, "I never loved you."
Aly: Okay. Seems unnecessary.
Winston: One of them took it very badly.
Aly: Oh, one of them took it badly?
Winston: I mean, she's okay now. Well, sort... kinda. She lives at the top of a very tall tree.
Aly: Maybe, like, run stuff like that by me.


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