Cece: Hey! Okay, so you guys are kind of bringing the bar vibe down, and I need tips, so... pretend that you're having fun or pay for me to go to college.
Schmidt: You know, if I could give that poor man some of my penis, I would. But, obviously, you don't pull a bumper off a Ferrari.
Cece: It did go fast, I'll give it that. [Coach snorts]
Schmidt: You know, when I look at that picture, I think to myself, "Is there a God? And if-if there is, did he run out of clay?"

Winston: It's like shooting candy into a baby.

Coach: Can you tell Schmidt that my portfolio is way better than his portfolio? I'm better wet, I'm better dry, my sexy baby is way more believable than his. Watch, look... mama change baby 'cause baby made a dirty...
Schmidt: Okay, mine is way more sexy. There are people lining up in the streets to have sex with my baby.
Coach: Liar!
Jess: I don't like this.
Coach: You can't use that photo, unless you're planning on posing for the tiny nipples of America foundation.
Schmidt: Yeah, you're one to talk, Little Miss Princess Waist!
Coach: Hey, I'm a 26! That's normal!
Nick: Yeah, in Asia.
Coach: Who's talking to you, depression-era garbage man? I've been holding that in for two years.

Jess: This is what's wrong with men in this country. You all sit around all day and you read your porno magazines...
Coach: What's a porno magazine?
Jess: And you think that that's what women are supposed to look like. Well, I have news for you, okay? Real women are wonky.
Schmidt: Perhaps. But, like climate change, we pretend they don't exist.

Winston: I just put five dollars in the jukebox. We got a Paula Cole rock block coming our way.

Winston: Wonky knee, huh? Like Big Bird? [sighs] I have a Sesame Street problem.

Jess: Do you guys all just think you're so perfect?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Coach: Pretty close.
Winston: Ah, please. I mean, you're an eight, you're an eight and a half. Everybody knows I'm a sweet, sweet six.
Coach: Winston, for the last time. Stop rating us.

Nick: Are you honestly going on a date with somebody who has one of these?
Jess: Yes, I am, 'cause I don't care what a guy's body looks like. You know what revs me up? A fertile mind and a gentle spirit. A nice, smart guy...
Nick: How do you know he's nice? You barely know him.
Schmidt: Man made it through middle school with that ghoulish raisin. He's a hero.

Coach: I'm just so thankful, you know? Here we are, beautiful as all heck. Normal to above-normal endowments.
Schmidt: That's right.
Coach: It's like why were we given so much while others were given so little? I don't understand.
Schmidt: You know, I look at you and I see a stunning physical specimen. It's like you were created in a la...
in a lab. Full of gay scientists.

Coach: You have a perfect body, my friend. You're like the only Jewish Greek God... [throaty "H"] Hercules.
Schmidt: Thanks, buddy.
Coach: You're cute as a button, bro.
Schmidt: Appreciate that.
Coach: You're swoll, my friend.
Schmidt: No, look, I work at it.
Coach: You're super swoll.
Schmidt: No, it's something I work at.
Coach: No, I mean that, though.
Schmidt: It doesn't happen overnight. It's something that I put the work in, just like you do.
Coach: You look good, dude.
Schmidt: We're blessed, the two of us.
Coach: Beyond blessed.