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‘Micro’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Micro

404. Micro

Aired October 7, 2014

Jess makes a bet with Nick that she is less superficial than the guys after she meets a guy with a micropenis. Meanwhile, Cece and Winston convince Schmidt and Coach they could be models.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey! Okay, so you guys are kind of bringing the bar vibe down, and I need tips, so... pretend that you're having fun or pay for me to go to college.
Schmidt: You know, if I could give that poor man some of my penis, I would. But, obviously, you don't pull a bumper off a Ferrari.
Cece: It did go fast, I'll give it that. [Coach snorts]
Schmidt: You know, when I look at that picture, I think to myself, "is there a God? And if-if there is, did he run out of Clay?"

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Quote from Winston

Winston: It's like shooting candy into a baby.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Can you tell Schmidt that my portfolio is way better than his portfolio? I'm better wet, I'm better dry, my sexy baby is way more believable than his. Watch, look... mama change baby 'cause baby made a dirty...
Schmidt: Okay, mine is way more sexy. There are people lining up in the streets to have sex with my baby.
Coach: Liar!
Jess: I don't like this.
Coach: You can't use that photo, unless you're planning on posing for the tiny nipples of America foundation.
Schmidt: Yeah, you're one to talk, Little Miss Princess Waist!
Coach: Hey, I'm a 26! That's normal!
Nick: Yeah, in Asia.
Coach: Who's talking to you, depression-era garbage man? I've been holding that in for two years.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: This is what's wrong with men in this country. You all sit around all day and you read your porno magazines...
Coach: What's a porno magazine?
Jess: And you think that that's what women are supposed to look like. Well, I have news for you, okay? Real women are wonky.
Schmidt: Perhaps. But, like climate change, we pretend they don't exist.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I just put five dollars in the jukebox. We got a Paula Cole rock block coming our way.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Wonky knee, huh? Like Big Bird? [sighs] I have a Sesame Street problem.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Do you guys all just think you're so perfect?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Coach: Pretty close.
Winston: Ah, please. I mean, you're an eight, you're an eight and a half. Everybody knows I'm a sweet, sweet six.
Coach: Winston, for the last time. Stop rating us.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Are you honestly going on a date with somebody who has one of these?
Jess: Yes, I am, 'cause I don't care what a guy's body looks like. You know what revs me up? A fertile mind and a gentle spirit. A nice, smart guy...
Nick: How do you know he's nice? You barely know him.
Schmidt: Man made it through middle school with that ghoulish raisin. He's a hero.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: I'm just so thankful, you know? Here we are, beautiful as all heck. Normal to above-normal endowments.
Schmidt: That's right.
Coach: It's like why were we given so much while others were given so little? I don't understand.
Schmidt: You know, I look at you and I see a stunning physical specimen. It's like you were created in a la...
in a lab. Full of gay scientists.

Quote from Coach

Coach: You have a perfect body, my friend. You're like the only Jewish Greek God... [throaty "H"] Hercules.
Schmidt: Thanks, buddy.
Coach: You're cute as a button, bro.
Schmidt: Appreciate that.
Coach: You're swoll, my friend.
Schmidt: No, look, I work at it.
Coach: You're super swoll.
Schmidt: No, it's something I work at.
Coach: No, I mean that, though.
Schmidt: It doesn't happen overnight. It's something that I put the work in, just like you do.
Coach: You look good, dude.
Schmidt: We're blessed, the two of us.
Coach: Beyond blessed.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Now give me some stuff like it's the first day of school, right?
Coach: Okay.
Schmidt: That's right, and you got your backpack on. Yeah, there you go. But you packed your own lunch. But what you don't know is when you were making it, you got some mustard on your forehead. That's right. Now you're playing pictionary, okay? Now you're playing pictionary, and what do you... Ooh, now I got... Now I got my little card. What am I gonna draw? What am I gonna draw? You get sardines. They don't smell good. How do I draw a smell? How do I draw a smell? What does that look like? That's modeling. That's right.

Quote from Winston

Coach: Hey, give me five. I got to protein-load.
Schmidt: What do you see we split that last packet of power goo.
Cece: I cannot believe that this actually worked.
Winston: Oh, man...
Cece: No, that's a lie... I would've been surprised if it didn't.
Winston: A classic CeCe-Winston mess around.
Cece: That's not a thing.
Winston: All right.

Quote from Cece

Coach: What's going on with you two?
Cece: Hey.
Winston: What?! Nothing. Man, we just being mega-cool over here.
Coach: What is going on, guys?! Wait. Hold... Hold on. Was all this a classic CeCe and Winston mess-around?!
Cece: No!
Winston: Yes. Yeah.
Cece: Do not acknowledge that is a thing. It's not a thing.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It's glorious, isn't it?
Jess: How did this happen? Are there just no laws in Korea Town?
Coach: Uh, well, uh, Cece's agent saw Schmidt's portfolio and loved it.
Cece: Yeah, yeah, he, uh... he fast-tracked it.
Schmidt: That- That's an industry term. So, what am I selling here anyway?
Winston: Oh, uh, you know, uh, Korean-Jewish interrelations.
Schmidt: All right.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Ooh-hoo-hoo, yeah. I like those boobies. Sweet little '70s boobies. Bra burning, feminist boobies.
Bouncin' around like they ain't go no sense.
Nick: You like 1970s cans? See, not me... I'm a 1950s guy. Post-Korean war, pre-Vietnam war...
Coach: My Nana has those.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Almost too big.
Coach: Way too big.
Nick: Those are intimidating, right?
Schmidt: Too small. Gotta be able to palm a basketball, if you want to slam or jam or dunk it.

Quote from Winston

Winston: See, they're too straight for me, you know? I like 'em going in two different directions. Like-like cookie monster.
Coach: Oh, yeah, like his eyes.
Winston: Ooh. Now, see, my boobs got to go "ooh!"

Quote from Jess

Jess: Oh, my God. You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It's the least important part of a woman's body. Unless you're a baby. Are you guys babies?
Nick: We're not babies.
Jess: I'd like to think that... that you guys see value in women's bodies other than just the way they look.
Schmidt: Come on, Jess, you're really gonna tell me that you don't care what a guy looks like?
Jess: Well... I'll notice an attractive man. I can go to the butcher and pick out a nice rump. But I'm not gonna rule out a guy based on how he looks... that's shallow.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Okay, if you saw me in the bar and I was a stranger, would you rule me out based on my breast size?
Nick: Absolutely not. Your breasts are perfect. Now, if I saw your wonky knee? That's a whole 'nother ballgame.
Jess: What w...
Schmidt: Wonky knee?
Coach: You have a wonky knee?
Jess: You think I have a wonky knee?
Nick: The left knee's perfect. Uh, but the right one's got some stuff.
Jess: Why?
Nick: Well, stuff. Um... oh, why do you think I always let you take your own pants off before sex?
Jess: Because you're the laziest person I've ever met.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Jess, I know I'm not perfect, but if you're asking me if I judge, you know, women based off their breasts, then the answer is yes. Everybody knows that boobs are a direct indicator of personality.
Jess: All right... What are you guys doing?
Schmidt: Yeah, how you walking on this thing? That knee is not architecturally sound.
Coach: I don't trust it.
Winston: Man, if you had a jacket on with a bunch of yellow feathers, I'd be done!

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