Nick: So, you freaked out a little back there, didn't you? Not to use some popsicle psychology...
Schmidt: "Popsicle psychology"?
Nick: Yeah, it's pop psychology for short. 'Cause, you know, you eat the popsicle and you love it so much and then you're stuck holding the-the stick? You get it. you get it.

Schmidt: Where are we gonna get 20 grand from?
Nick: Well, we got the ten grand we made on the Swuit. Maybe do we have any rich friends we can borrow money from?
Schmidt: Well, let's think about it. There's the middle school vice principal, there's the cop, the gym teacher. Let's not forget about the community college student. Whew, lot of options.

Aly: [hip-hop music playing] Hey, you want your bar mitzvah money? Tell me her name.
Schmidt: I don't remember.
Aly: I don't believe you!
Winston: Just relax. Relax. Here, Schmidt. Sip that. Want to hear the music again?
[hip-hop music playing] All right, there we go. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're 13 years old, everybody's feeling it...
[sings] Motown Philly's back again...
Aly: Enough. What was her name?!
Schmidt: Sharon Rosenberg!

Schmidt: My mom still owes me my bar mitzvah money. I mean, we can ask her, but, you know, she's...
Nick: Pushy, overbearing, controlling.
Schmidt: So, what? Oh, she's a typical Jewish mom? It's anti-Semitic when you say it like that. So-so what, she likes to get involved? That's great, you know.
Nick: I don't feel very comfortable when I'm around her.
Schmidt: Well, boo-hoo, she thinks you want to have sex with her. Try learning about the birds and the bees from her using a doughnut and a banana. By the way, neither one of which are used for what you think they are.
Nick: How could that be?

Jess: You know, Pete wasn't just a sports agent. He understood sports. Like, he knew the rules, all of them: offsides, unnecessary bumping, what happens if you hit a bird with the ball you throw...

Jess: Ugh! Can you believe this guy? Pete is over an hour late for our brunch date.
Schmidt: Pete? Who's Pete?
Coach: Oh, it's this dude who goes to my gym. Thought Jess could use a man with a little muscle for a change, so I set 'em up.
Jess: Not gonna marry him, but I'm having fun. [chuckles] Knock, knock. Who's there? Orange. Hang on a second, Orange. I'm gonna send a sext to Pete, which I did. My first one ever. Want to see? It's super hot.
Cece: I don't want to, uh... Okay, that's just a picture of you in a bra over a T-shirt holding a sign that says "Property of Pete." Not a sext.
Jess: I'm wearing a bra!
Cece: No, that's like a glorified selfie.
Jess: You can see the bra.
Cece: Nope.
Jess: [scoffs] I bet he saw this, and he was like, [in low voice:] "Oh, delicious."

Winston: I have to agree, because the true nature of eroticism is what is not shown.

Coach: What are you taking?
Schmidt: Just some, uh... motion sickness pill. It's a mild sedative. My mom just landed. That's unrelated.
Jess: Oh, my God, your mom's here?! I'm so excited to meet her.
Schmidt: You probably won't; she's busy. But maybe, hopefully, I doubt it.
Cece: I can't believe I've never met her.
Schmidt: You know, we get together and we laugh and... [sighs] she tells me all the ways that I could be better at things, and then I do them, but not right. Oh, it's fun. We have, we have fun.

Coach: A motorcycle accident? I didn't even know Pete rode one.
Jess: He didn't. Apparently, he was thinking about getting one, and he slipped and fell on the showroom floor.
Winston: Buffed floors... beautiful, but at what cost?

Jess: The first guy I sext dies. I should go to the memorial, right?
Coach: Jess, don't make this about yourself, all right? You went on two dates with the guy.
Jess: I was one of the last people to text him. On Earth.
Cece: Look, you didn't even have sex with him, okay? You're fine.
Jess: So if I'd slept with him, I'd go.
Winston: Or if you'd gone skiing together.
Cece: Mm-hmm, yeah.
Jess: What are these rules?