Winston Bishop's Pranks and Mess Arounds
A collection of Winston Bishop's greatest pranks, mess arounds and aliases.
Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!
Winston: Gotcha! [laughs] Prank Sinatra, baby!
Schmidt: I don't get it. The truck is the prank? What, did you pay the rental fee? Winston, that's just nice.
Winston: You didn't have to move.
Nick: Yes, we did have to move, you idiot. We got evicted.
Jess: What is he talking about?
Nick: I have no idea.
Winston: Engram Pattersky. If you rearrange those letters, what does it spell?
Jess: "My greatest prank."
Winston: My greatest prank!
Winston: Oh, she's gonna get hers.
Jess: No, no, Winston, no. What did you do? No pranks.
Schmidt: Such bad timing.
Winston: Hey, Mrs. Parikh. Check your shoe. [Winston snickers] Tickle foot! [laughs] I put a feather in your shoe! [laughing]
Jess: Too small, dude. Way too small.
Nick: You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m. Those are the sounds of true love. Bet she had the time of her life.
Winston: What happened? Did I miss her?
Schmidt: You did.
Winston: Man, I love meeting the girls you bring home. I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down-low. "Theodore K. Mullins. Damn, Schmidt, in our bed? Where we shave each other? I've always loved you, you're my boo."
Schmidt: Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.
Winston: A-ha! You see this whole time, y'all thought you were having breakfast with Winston, but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder. I'm talking about my alias. See, I'm thinking about applying for undercover work.
Jess: That sounds incredibly dangerous.
Winston: Well, not if I go deep enough into my undercover character. I've been practicing on y'all unknowin' asses. I combined the names of my favorite singers... Stevie Wonder and James Blunt. And I put those together to create a different name as my alias, James Wonder.
Jess: I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy. I feel like if you had the ability to pretend to be someone else, you would have made that decision a long time ago. I feel like that sounded harsh, but it's only 'cause I care about you.
Winston: You didn't sign for it!
Schmidt: How was I supposed to sign for Garage-A-Roo's package? You and your dang old aliases. You have a new alias every day, Winston.
Winston: Yes, but you should know it's me!
Schmidt: Garage-A-Roo, Kenneth.
Winston: But it was me clearly! Kenneth, Kenneth. Rick Smits, Big Poppy Jones.
Schmidt: These are the dumbest names I've ever heard!
Winston: Pontius Pilate.
Schmidt: AKA idiot. Maybe that truck is still in the neighborhood. Let's go out and try and get it.
Winston: Wait! This just became a Schmidt and a Jay Garage-A-Roo mess-around.
Schmidt: Freakin' Jay Garage-A-Roo.
Rhonda: I don't like to talk about it around new people, but we were homeless.
Cece: Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: I had no idea.
Rhonda: It was tough. We didn't have money for food, clothes, toys. My brother and I adopted a rat. I remember, we called the rat Singular Wireless. He was sweet. Until he ate my brother's pinkie toe clean off.
Schmidt: [quietly] What?
Rhonda: He bit it like a baby carrot. Just [snapping]. It woke me up.
Schmidt: That snap, that snap.
Rhonda: In the end, we laughed about it, 'cause what else can you do? Just Singular being Singular.
Schmidt: Gosh darn it.
Rhonda: [sighing] He ran away after a while... my brother, not the rat... he didn't get far, obviously, not with nine toes. Listen, it wasn't a great childhood, and I know that I come on strong, but I guess, if I can scare people with my pranks, then I know I'm not the only one who's scared.
Schmidt: What a cruel, terrible world we live in. I had no idea. I'm so, so, so, sorry. [Winston and Rhonda guffawing]
Winston: You're stupid, Schmidt. And you're-you're stupid, too, Cece.
Cece: Okay, wait, so the en... the en... the entire story is a lie?
Rhonda: Rhon. Da'd. Pow-pow.
Winston: Now, me, myself, I am Winston Bishop.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Officer Winston Bishop? The Winston Bishop? The Carport Hero?
Robby: I knew it was you. I saw you on TV, man.
Big Schmidt: Officer, you make me want to be a better man. I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing in my ex-wife's mailbox.
Winston: No, seriously, everybody, calm down. Act normal around me. I'm a fun guy. I do pranks. Uh, Cece's last wedding? The badger that fell down and almost killed a bunch of people... that was me! [chuckles] I'm Prank Sinatra, baby! Old Brown Eyes. Ain't no prank like a badger prank, because a badger prank got badgers, and it's dangerous as hell!
Winston: No more Carport Hero! Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.
Jess: No. No! You didn't play a prank... You are the worst prankster in the world! Every prank you do turns out either too big...
Nick: What is it? Did you register me as a sex offender? [Winston snickers]
Jess: ... or too small.
Schmidt: How'd this blueberry get in here?
Winston: [mumbles] I don't... [laughs] [whoops] You should have saw your face!
Winston: He did not see that coming. Just like no one's gonna see what's coming tonight.
Jess: Nothing should be coming tonight.
Winston: I'm sorry, Jess. The fuse has already been lit. The lion has spotted the gazelle. The doo-doo is already mid-flight to the fan. The silly hounds have been released. I repeat: the silly hounds have been released.
Winston: Or... we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.
Schmidt: Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
Winston: I get that.
Schmidt: You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough?
Nick: I'm trying to turn it off, you idiot!
Winston: Oh... no.
Nick: What's going on?
Winston: Uh... Bucky got out of his cage, man. Let's go get him.
Nick: No! No! I'm getting out of here!
Winston: No, you're coming with me. You got to help me find the badger, Nick! You don't be no bitch!
Aly: Do something. My skin's burning, you guys.
Winston: What? Baby, baby, you okay?
Aly: What did you put on me?
Winston: What did you do to her, Rhonda?!
Rhonda: She didn't want the jelly, so I used a porcine birthing agent.
Winston: What is that?!
Rhonda: I... I...
Aly: Well, it's burning! Oh, my God!
Rhonda: I'm so sorry.
Aly: You're sorry?! You should be... because, baby doll, you just got Aly'd. Oh! How you like that, Rhonda? Who's basic now? Oh!
Nick: What's up, Winston?
Winston: Oh, hey, Nick. You know, I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson, so I decided to just let him choose how he wants to die. If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam.
Nick: You're gonna murder a cat?
Nick: This is a joke, right?
Nick: This is one of your pranks?
Winston: An eye for an eye, Nick. A cat for a cat.
Nick: But what's the other cat?
Winston: My heart.
Winston: Excuse me, uh, Deb, we need to check your trunk... we're looking for a package. It is addressed to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo.
Schmidt: What a stupid name.
Winston: Tell it to your stupid wife, man... it's one of our inside jokes.
Schmidt: You two don't have inside jokes.
Winston: Man, we got loads of inside jokes! My turtleneck, uh, my trick hip, that "Hok-fooey, Jean Luc!"
Winston: You know, I spent six months building the Engram Pattersky website. And you guys didn't even visit the office. What's happening, y'all? So, was the prank too small? You know, I've been guilty of that in the past.
Schmidt: Too big, man. Way too big.
Jess: I don't know. I think it was just right.
All: Too big.
Schmidt: Definitely too big.
Cece: Way too big.
Winston: We got to do something.
Coach: Winston, for the first time in my life, I'm not 100% broke, and you want me to give my money away? No, sir. She said she didn't want charity. I ain't giving it to her. [off WIinston's look] Oh, crap. Am I stuck doing another thing with you again? It's a classic Winston and Coach mess-around!
Coach: All right. But don't say that.
Winston: What if I put your name first?
Coach: Let me hear it.
Winston: It's a classic Coach and Winston mess-around.
Coach: Regardless, I don't like it.
Coach: Hey, give me five. I got to protein-load.
Schmidt: What do you see we split that last packet of power goo.
Cece: I cannot believe that this actually worked.
Winston: Oh, man...
Cece: No, that's a lie... I would've been surprised if it didn't.
Winston: A classic CeCe-Winston mess around.
Cece: That's not a thing.
Winston: All right.
Schmidt: A beanbag chair, Winston?
Schmidt: You thought that would be a... a suitable gift for my bride?
Winston: You wouldn't get it. I mean, it's a reference to a classic Winston-Cece mess-around.
[flashback to Winston drawing a circle while playing Pictionary with Cece:]
Cece: Beanbag chair!
Schmidt: Never in my life have I heard of a game of one-on-one Pictionary.
Winston: We had a moment.
Rhonda: You wanted to sign the divorce papers, and-and I thought this was... this was a good a time as any. But I know it's a shock, but... meet your son.
Cece: Oh, my God.
Winston: Um... [chuckles] Now, you listen to me, baby. [chuckles] My father walked out on me, and I swear
I will never do that to you.
Rhonda: That's so sweet. [whispering] You just got Rhonda'd. Rhonda'd. [chuckles]
Winston: Oh, my God! Did you just prank me with a baby?
Rhonda: [laughing] A human baby.
Aly: What the hell?
Winston: That is amazing! Oh, my God. Oh, I can feel my heartbeat through the back of my head! You just took years off my life! You are the master!
Winston: What? No, no.
Nick: That's my phone.
Winston: I said no phones.
Nick: I know. I'm gonna get it.
Winston: They can track us with phones.
Nick: What is going...? Relax. You're so weird with pranks. What is going on with you?
Winston: Put the phone away!
Winston: And right over there is where Cece and I had our first mess around.
Cece: What? Don't tell them.
Winston: It's time for the mess around to become the confess around.
Nick: Winston, you're the worst at pranks in the whole world.
Winston: No, I'm not.
Nick: Yes, you are! You either go way too small...
Young Winston: Hey. Let's pour a little juice near her shoe.
Nick: ...Or you go way too big.
Young Winston: Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski.
Nick: You don't have a pranking sweet spot.