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‘LAXMas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: LAXMas

411. LAXMas

Aired December 9, 2014

The gang head to the airport for their separate holiday trips: Jess is going to London to be with Ryan, Nick and Winston are heading home to Chicago, Schmidt and Cece are set for the East Coast, and Coach is ditching his family for a vacation in Hawaii.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.

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Quote from Winston

Nick: You better learn how to ride a polo horse.
Winston: It's actually a polio horse. Uh, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct, so...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, let's wait in the first-class lounge, like the other HBO GO subscribers.
Cece: You're a member?
Schmidt: Cece, I grew up on the mean streets of Long Island, just gazing up at the Manhattan city skyline, thinking, "You know what, one day, I'm gonna get there." That first-class lounge is my Manhattan. "Greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude." Oprah Winfrey.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Why we should've taken trains. The sky's too fickle. It's the play place for butterflies.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] Ryan, hi. [sighs] My flight's delayed. Please tell your parents this is not like me. I am never late. On time or naked is what I always say. I've never said that. [chuckles] I'll be fully clothed, but late. I'll talk to you later.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Why did I agree to ride to the airport with everyone? I'm an aspiring millionaire. I should be taking a Town Car, not packed six-deep like a Hasidic family going to the bulk foods store.
Jess: Relax, Schmidt, we're all riding together so that we can hang out before we all go to our magical destinations.
Schmidt: Magical? I'm going back home to Long Island, the birthplace of the female crew cut.

Quote from Winston

Nick: All right, here's the plan. We're at O'Hare at 8:00, O'Leary's at 9:00, we're drunk by 6:00. See what I did there? We're drinking on the plane. [laughs]
Winston: Man, I love Christmas Eve Eve at O'Leary's. I always get laid. See, here, I'm a six, sixish. Uh, but I'm a Chicago ten. Yeah. I'm a six, man? Maybe a little higher.
Nick: Seven.
Winston: But I'm... I'm a seven, thank you. Plus Nick is dating Kai now, which means I'm getting the butt. I'm getting all the butt.
Jess: I made you guys some snack bags.
Nick: Oh, thank you.
Winston: Oh. You're like my mom, but in ways I can appreciate.

Quote from Schmidt

Concierge: Sir, may I help you? Are you a member?
Schmidt: I just had an incredible layover. Flew in from Istanbul. I just need to lay down for a while. I'm a little...
Concierge: Okay? Certainly. Uh, do you have a first-class ticket or a membership card?
Schmidt: Do I have a... a membership card? Let me ask you something. I tend to, uh... tend to deal with, uh, Sarah Beth.
Concierge: I'm not aware of a Sarah Beth, sir.
Schmidt: The last time I talked to her, she was suffering from the diabetes. Is she still on the inhaler?
Concierge: Uh...
Schmidt: Did she pass? She passed, didn't she?
Concierge: I'm afraid I...
Schmidt: I'm gonna need a minute. I'm just gonna go inside, sit down, just kind of take...
Concierge: Are you a member, sir?
Schmidt: Am I a mem...?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Wow, this place is just so amazing.
Schmidt: You got to feel this pillow. Look at this thing. This is the pillow that all the other pillows want to have sex with. Nice. Look at that guy. Bet he's the kind of guy who takes one bite of lobster and just throws the rest of it in the trash. I'd love to do that... just once. Stupid trash lobster.

Quote from Jess

Jess: And then he sent me this text.
Barry: Oh, my God. Where's Anna and Mr. Bates? Do you watch Downton?
Jess: Yeah.
Barry: I know it's a soap opera, but I like it.
Jess: It's not even about the money.
Barry: That's big.
Jess: It's like every new piece of information I get about him just makes him more and more out of my league. He'll be nice about it, but the moment I get there, everybody will know I don't belong there. Am I being dumb?
Barry: No. Did I ever tell you about that time I met my ex-boyfriend's family over the holidays?
Jess: I've known you for 20 minutes.
Barry: Well, it was worse than the last season of Scrubs. A teaching hospital? Come on!

Quote from Winston

Winston: How do you change this...? How do you change this thing?! To the hits? I don't know, like top 40?

Quote from Jess

Elf: [sings] Gingy, who did you harm? Gingy, who ate your arm?
Gingerbread Man: It was... Santa! [thunder rumbles]
Elf: No!
Ryan: This is pretty dark.
Elf: We will rescue you, Gingy!
Jess: [to Ryan] Wait till they get to the North Pole to avenge his death and take it way too far.
Elf: [sings] Santa's been a bad boy, and that's not right The white-bearded devil's gonna die tonight! [screaming]
Jess: But I'm proud of that. They worked really hard on it.

Quote from Jess

Ryan: Oh, my gosh.
Jess: All this sneaking around, I feel like gay guys in the '50s.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I can't believe you're going to London tonight. I'm gonna miss you so much.
Ryan: Come with me.
Jess: What?
Ryan: Spend Christmas with my family in London.
Jess: That's, like, skipping seven relationship steps.
Ryan: What do you mean?
Jess: Do you really want your whole family to meet the weird American girl that you're making out with in a prop closet who's also your boss?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Everything's been going really, really well. What if I use the wrong fork?
Ryan: You won't use the wrong fork, 'cause I'll make sure that you-you don't. No, it'll be very casual. And I don't care what they think, 'cause I like you, and I want to spend Christmas with you in London.
Jess: I've never been to Europe. I...
Ryan: We'll stroll through Hyde Park, empty townhouses owned by Russian billionaires. We're gonna go to Big Ben. I'll take on-on the wheel, the Eye. We'll eat cheese on the wheel and-and make out. Uh, we're gonna ride black taxicabs even to places where we don't need to go and we're not invited.
Jess: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Quote from Coach

Jess: Hey, Coach, what's taking you so long? There he is.
Coach: I know what you're all thinking. You think I'm selfish for going on vacation instead of going to Detroit to see my family.
Jess: Not thinking that; very defensive. I live with a million people.
Winston: Four people.
Coach: There are going to be a million people at my mother's house. I need some me time. And yes, I will be sad to miss my baby niece and all of her Christmas joy, but I've made a decision that I'm happy with, and it hasn't been giving me stomach pains.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Cece and Schmidt, you're on the red-eye.
Schmidt: The red-eye? What do I look like, a 24-year-old who's too afraid to break up with his college girlfriend? I mean, thank you for this.

Quote from Jess

Barry: Next.
Jess: Hi.
Barry: Hi.
Jess: First and foremost, I'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas.
Barry: Next.
Jess: Uh, right. [chuckles] Um, my friends are trying to get on the Chicago flight. Uh, Winston Bishop and Nick Miller.
Barry: Yeah, standby, tenth and 11th on the list.
Jess: I really appreciate that, but... is there any way you could get...
Barry: Nope. And now they're 12th and 13th.
Jess: I'm sorry. I was...
Barry: Don't apologize. 14, 15.
Jess: I didn't apologize.
Barry: 16, 17.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Sir. You seem like a reasonable person.
Barry: I'm not and you're at 18 and 19.
Jess: Okay. [Barry blows a raspberry] You know what? You want mean, I'll give you mean. I hope your mom falls down the stairs and she hurts parts of herself.
Barry: I hate my mom. Back to 16 and 17.
Jess: Thank you.
Barry: Don't thank me. 18, 19.
Jess: It's Christmas.
Barry: Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they just did a black version of Annie for no reason. 20, 21.
Jess: You...
Barry: 22, 23.
Jess: But...
Barry: 24, 25.
Jess: Sir.
Barry: They're on the wing, dear. Next?

Quote from Cece

Cece: Can we just get two guest passes, please?
Concierge: Of course.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: That's a real thing... guest passes?
Concierge: Yes, sir.
Schmidt: Okay. It's a debit card.

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