‘LAXMas’
Season 4, Episode 11 - Aired December 9, 2014
The gang head to the airport for their separate holiday trips: Jess is going to London to be with Ryan, Nick and Winston are heading home to Chicago, Schmidt and Cece are set for the East Coast, and Coach is ditching his family for a vacation in Hawaii.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: You know what they call you where I'm from? A dirty old bitch. Dirty old "biatch." "Biatch," just in general. 'Cause I ain't from Manhattan, sir. I'm from Long Island. 5-1-6, up in your lounge, sucka.
Robert: You better calm down, or you're gonna be kicked out of the...
Schmidt: Good, I don't want to be in this lounge. I don't want to be in any club that you're a part of.
Cece: Okay, am I missing something?
Schmidt: I don't want to be in any lounge or club that you're a part of, sir. You dirty old bitch, for good measure. 'Cause I'm from Long Island, I'll take the railroad... LIRR.
Robert: You're embarrassing yourself.
Schmidt: New York, Long Island. Billy Joel. Cece, let's roll.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: [grabs champagne glass] Nassau County. Billy Joel, one more time. "Piano Man." "Goodnight Saigon." That's a sad one. Cry about that, you dirty old bitch.
Quote from Winston
Nick: You better learn how to ride a polo horse.
Winston: It's actually a polio horse. Uh, originally they were bred as helper horses for people with polio, but I don't think anything of what I just said was correct, so...
Quote from Nick
Nick: Why we should've taken trains. The sky's too fickle. It's the play place for butterflies.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Hey, let's wait in the first-class lounge, like the other HBO GO subscribers.
Cece: You're a member?
Schmidt: Cece, I grew up on the mean streets of Long Island, just gazing up at the Manhattan city skyline, thinking, "You know what, one day, I'm gonna get there." That first-class lounge is my Manhattan. "Greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude." Oprah Winfrey.
Quote from Jess
Jess: [on the phone] Ryan, hi. [sighs] My flight's delayed. Please tell your parents this is not like me. I am never late. On time or naked is what I always say. I've never said that. [chuckles] I'll be fully clothed, but late. I'll talk to you later.
Quote from Winston
Winston: How do you change this...? How do you change this thing?! To the hits? I don't know, like top 40?
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Why did I agree to ride to the airport with everyone? I'm an aspiring millionaire. I should be taking a Town Car, not packed six-deep like a Hasidic family going to the bulk foods store.
Jess: Relax, Schmidt, we're all riding together so that we can hang out before we all go to our magical destinations.
Schmidt: Magical? I'm going back home to Long Island, the birthplace of the female crew cut.
Quote from Winston
Nick: All right, here's the plan. We're at O'Hare at 8:00, O'Leary's at 9:00, we're drunk by 6:00. See what I did there? We're drinking on the plane. [laughs]
Winston: Man, I love Christmas Eve Eve at O'Leary's. I always get laid. See, here, I'm a six, sixish. Uh, but I'm a Chicago ten. Yeah. I'm a six, man? Maybe a little higher.
Nick: Seven.
Winston: But I'm... I'm a seven, thank you. Plus Nick is dating Kai now, which means I'm getting the butt. I'm getting all the butt.
Jess: I made you guys some snack bags.
Nick: Oh, thank you.
Winston: Oh. You're like my mom, but in ways I can appreciate.
Quote from Schmidt
Concierge: Sir, may I help you? Are you a member?
Schmidt: I just had an incredible layover. Flew in from Istanbul. I just need to lay down for a while. I'm a little...
Concierge: Okay? Certainly. Uh, do you have a first-class ticket or a membership card?
Schmidt: Do I have a... a membership card? Let me ask you something. I tend to, uh... tend to deal with, uh, Sarah Beth.
Concierge: I'm not aware of a Sarah Beth, sir.
Schmidt: The last time I talked to her, she was suffering from the diabetes. Is she still on the inhaler?
Concierge: Uh...
Schmidt: Did she pass? She passed, didn't she?
Concierge: I'm afraid I...
Schmidt: I'm gonna need a minute. I'm just gonna go inside, sit down, just kind of take...
Concierge: Are you a member, sir?
Schmidt: Am I a mem...?
Quote from Schmidt
Cece: Wow, this place is just so amazing.
Schmidt: You got to feel this pillow. Look at this thing. This is the pillow that all the other pillows want to have sex with. Nice. Look at that guy. Bet he's the kind of guy who takes one bite of lobster and just throws the rest of it in the trash. I'd love to do that... just once. Stupid trash lobster.