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‘The Box’ Quotes

New Girl: The Box

305. The Box

Aired October 15, 2013

After Nick inherits some money from his father, Jess tries to steer him to use the money wisely. Meanwhile, Schmidt seeks advice from Rabbi Feiglin (guest star Jon Lovitz) on how to be a good person.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me!
Nick: I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"!
Winston: You mean "woodwork"?
Nick: What is "woodwork"?!
Winston: What's "woodword"?!
Nick: Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money!

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Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't even know. I don't know what's cool anymore.
Jess: It could be a good time to start a bank account.
Nick: Yeah, or I could just flush it down the toilet.
Jess: It's not really the same thing, but-
Nick: A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls. That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money where my mouth is. Um, under my nose. That saying actually does work.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hi, I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
Keysha: Excuse me?
Jess: Well, I sent in a payment earlier for some tickets and I decided I don't want to pay them.
Keysha: Well, just cancel the checks.
Jess: Can't do that 'cause I paid cash 'cause my boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. Still shaving above the knee if you know what I mean.
Keysha: Mm-hmm. Let me get this straight. You want me to watch the mail and let you know if I see anything from your boyfriend.
Jess: Exactly.
Keysha: Fantastic. Should I call you or...?
Jess: Text, text would be great.
Keysha: Perfect. Let me put your number into my phone. [taps on phone]
Jess: I didn't give you my number yet.
Keysha: Oh, I think you did.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What is that?
Nick: This is my box. It's where I keep all my junk that I don't feel like dealing with.
Jess: That looks like a lot of bills. It's mostly bills.
Nick: Like I said, it's junk.
Jess: You know, I'm just brainstorming here, but what if you paid some of those bills with the money you just got?
Nick: Yeah. [chuckles] I'm gonna "pay my bill." And what's next? I'm gonna go to the doctor and get a checkup. Give them $500 to check my bones. You're being funny.

Quote from Nick

Nick: But what is money anyway? You know, it's just paper that some king on the mountains said was worth something. You know? Gold, I understand. It's shiny and you can make jewelry out of it. Silver? Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead. Brass creates the bells that make sound throughout the land. But we kill each other for paper. I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.
Drunk Man: You give me $50, I'll show you my private parts.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Are you a lifeguard?
Nick: No, that is a false certificate. Just a classic beach prank.
Jess: That seems dangerous.
Nick: It's funny, 'cause I I can't swim. Everyone was watching me, and I'm like, "I don't know". I was 13! I was 26. This is the problem with the box. It's my private stuff.
Jess: You've never once done jury duty or paid your taxes.
Nick: Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere. I stand by that. And I don't want to do jury duty or pay taxes.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Who needs changing, huh, who needs fixing? I'm gonna go through your personal drawers and see what needs changing. What are you, a zoo elephant?
Jess: Those are my night peanuts.
Nick: There shouldn't be day peanuts and night peanuts! They're just peanuts!
Jess: I'm sorry, why is that weird?

Quote from Nick

Nick: You just have a bunch of boxes? I would change that. Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
Jess: They're bobby pins.
Nick: What's a bobby pin?
Jess: It keeps your hair back.
Nick: You need Bobby's pins to put your hair up?
Jess: It's bobby pins, not Bobby's pins.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8,000. I've never seen someone burn through money so fast. I should say something. Some of these shoes aren't even his size.
Winston: Look, Jess, you don't want to talk to Nick about money, okay? It is a very touchy subject.
Nick: I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place. Seems like rich guys always have pictures of themselves.
Winston: My man. Do you, baby.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Well, I'm sorry I went through your damn box, but I was just trying to help you, Nick.
Nick: So maybe I'll try to help you. What if I went into your box? Not that.
Jess: Stop it!
Nick: I like that box, but I'm mad at you! I'm back to "You disrespected me."
Jess: I was just trying to help.
Nick: Well, then, how about this... Two can help. Okay? And if two are going to help, then I'll be one of them 'cause two can tango on this dance, okay? So, you want to waltz? Well, you picked the wrong dance partner. Two can play.
Jess: What?

Quote from Nick

Nick: What is this?!
Jess: Yarn.
Nick: What are you knitting, a mansion?! Oh, look at this. What do we have here? A bunch of beat-up old sacks.
Jess: My vintage purses.
Nick: Well, you know what? They could be sexier.
Jess: You want my purses to be sexier?
Nick: Would it kill you to get something sleek, covered in gems for once?
Jess: You want my purses to be covered in gemstones?
Nick: All guys do! That's what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems. But you girls don't listen!

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: How many times did you rub this thing and think a genie was gonna come out?
Winston: I ain't gonna lie to you man. I rubbed it, like, three times.
Schmidt: Yeah. I thought so.
Winston: You know, I'm not...
Schmidt: If a genie did come out, what would you wish for?
Winston: More candelabras.
Schmidt: Yeah, I bet.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: So, yeah, I was dating both of them at the same time. I'm a mess. I can't sleep. I urinate constantly. I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
Rabbi Feiglin: Were the girls Jewish?
Schmidt: One Indian, one regular. Do you want to see a picture?
Rabbi Feiglin: I-I don't even know why you're here. You come in and say, "Do you have a minute?"
Schmidt: Okay, I'm-I'm sorry, Rabbi. It's just that... Okay, it's much more simple. How can I be a better person?
Rabbi Feiglin: Oh. Well, you seem awfully concerned with yourself. You might want to start thinking about the needs of others.
Schmidt: I think about others all the time. What- What I can get from them, how they can give me pleasure, do they have a silly little walk that I can make fun of?
Rabbi Feiglin: No, th-that's It's where you actually care about somebody else. You put their needs ahead of your own.
Schmidt: This is one of the few times that I wish I was Catholic. Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.
Rabbi Feiglin: Huh?

Quote from Winston

Nick: Sliders are beautiful.
Winston: I know, man. I knew you would think that.
Nick: I love 'em, dude.
Winston: That's why I made 'em.
[Winston starts a presentation on the TV, "You slider-ed your way into my heart!"]
Nick: What is that?
Winston: Brotherhood. Brotherhood, man.
Nick: All right, man. I respect you, man, no matter what.
Winston: That's what it's about, man.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nicholas, good yontef. Are you well?
Nick: No, but good yontef. You know, I'm all steamed up. This money thing is tearing me apart, Schmidt.
Schmidt: All right, if it's bothering you that much, why don't you just give it away?
Nick: Son of a bitch!
Schmidt: Not, not to me, Nick, to charity, or tzedakah as my people call it.
Nick: That's what your people do?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: You beautiful genius. I like that. That frees me of my worries.
Schmidt: Oh, look at that! Another mitzvah! I'm two for two today.
Nick: Yeah! Mitzvah!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I saved a man.
Nick: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: You know, there was a lowly bike messenger. Was just riding along, choking on his gum. And I performed Heimlich's maneuver on him, rescued him.
Nick: Great.
Schmidt: Yeah, who's the good man now? You're almost forced to admit it. Almost... You're almost forced to admit it.
Nick: Yeah, I know.
Schmidt: I'm a hero, Nick, now. Just tell me that I'm a good man. I really need to hear it.
Nick: I don't even know if I'm a good person. I'm not the guy to ask. I have my moods.
Schmidt: But we're not talking about you. We're talking about me right now and how I'm a good person, so it'd be really nice if you could say that.
Nick: I'm ready to do a tzatziki.
Schmidt: Tzedakah. This is not about tzedakah right now. This is about me being a good man and you telling me that.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, Jess, um... It's tzatziki is what it's called. It's a Jewish charity.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What happ- What happened to him?
Man: Well, he got smoked by a bus while he was having a bake sale for cancer kids.
Schmidt: For, for canc- For cancer kids?
Man: Yeah.
Schmidt: But he-he's, he's a great person.
Man: Bad things happen to good people all the time.
Schmidt: Of course they do. What am I even chasing here? What is the point of being a good person?
Man: Some say moral integrity is the cornerstone to humanity.
Schmidt: What do you know, you idiot? You choked on a piece of gum today.
Man: Hey, man, don't shoot the bike messenger.
Schmidt: That is a terrible joke! And none of this makes any sense!

Quote from Nick

Jess: Hey, Nick. Look, I know you're really angry and you have a right to be.
Nick: I have the right to be? I mean, why do you feel like you need to fix me? It's like you think you know better.
Jess: Well, I m... I might know better than you. Did you start a corporation?
Nick: Was it Fat Face?
Jess: I think so.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Well, you're getting taxed like crazy.
Nick: Well, that's because I thought I was filing a patent.
Jess: Fat Face is an invention?
Nick: Kind of in its intention... It was suppo it...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It doesn't make any sense.
Rabbi Feiglin: Can you not see I'm in the middle of a bar mitzvah class here?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, they should hear this. A man helping cancer kids got creamed by a bus today.
Rabbi Feiglin: Everything happens for a reason.
Schmidt: But what if it doesn't happen for a reason? Maybe... Maybe there aren't any good guys and bad guys. Maybe there are just winners and losers. I was beating myself up, but maybe I should... [chuckles] Maybe I should have been celebrating. Have you ever dated two women at once?
Rabbi Feiglin: What are you talking about? I went to camp. They used to call me the Octopus.
Schmidt: Clearly, you have not, sir.
Rabbi Feiglin: That's enough. You get out of here right now! Out.

Quote from Jess

Eileen: All right, Mr. Miller, your checking account is good to go. Oh, there's just an eight dollar processing fee.
Nick: Eight dollars? That's a very specific amount. [chuckles] That's fine. It's your world, your rules, so...
Eileen: Excellent.
Nick: You go to the castle, you got to pay the king.
Jess: What is processing? What does that mean? It's just a word you use to make more money off of us. That makes me mad!
Nick: Me, too, yeah.
Jess: Hey, how about this? What's a bank?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: It's just a paper bag-
Nick: That's right. Yes!
Jess: ...with walls.
Eileen: You're making some really, really, really good points, ma'am.
Jess: You are the puppeteers that puppet the world.
Nick: No more banks! Or some banks, I don't care! But I want my money on a boat!

Quote from Jess

Jess: I understood at least 30% of the financial crisis, and guess what I got from that? You suck!
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: You suck so hard. And now, I'm gonna process this man's face, 'cause I think he's great. And I'm crazy about him.
Eileen: Fine, I'll waive the fee.
Jess: Yeah! We won eight dollars!
Eileen: Just wait till you have children. You'll never touch each other again.
Jess: [o.s.] Banks suck! Banks suck!

Quote from Winston

Winston: I want you to have something.
Schmidt: Winston, literally, a gift is the last thing I des- This is-
Winston: There you go.
Schmidt: This is a candelabra.
Winston: Yeah. I bought it with the money that Nick owed me.
Schmidt: This is what you spent it on?
Winston: And now it's yours.
Schmidt: Uh-huh.
Winston: May it illuminate your path and lead you out of the darkness. That's what it says on the bottom.


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