Nick: Look, we're gonna get out of here, and when we do, I'm gonna start... I'm gonna start growing up.
Jess: You have grown up, Nick. I mean, you own a bar. You wrote a novel.
Nick: I'm talking about really growing up. There's still so much I want to do, like... I want to try cilantro.
Jess: You haven't tried cilantro?
Nick: I want to figure out what NASDAQ means.
Jess: You've never had salsa?
Nick: I want to not shimmy out of my pants.

Jess: Come on, help us, Danes! Unlike in World War II! Yeah, I brought it up!

Cece: I don't understand how any human being could enjoy it.
Winston: Well, because we are pranks, don't you see?
Cece: Huh?
Winston: In the Bible, God created light and dark. And then separated the heavens from the oceans. Then created plants, then animals. And the animals, they thought they had all this cool stuff to themselves, but then God pranked the animals with us. And it was good.
Aly: [whispering] That was so sexy.

Aly: Do something. My skin's burning, you guys.
Winston: What? Baby, baby, you okay?
Aly: What did you put on me?
Winston: What did you do to her, Rhonda?!
Aly: Ow!
Rhonda: She didn't want the jelly, so I used a porcine birthing agent.
Winston: What is that?!
Rhonda: I... I...
Aly: Well, it's burning! Oh, my God!
Rhonda: I'm so sorry.
Aly: You're sorry?! You should be... because, baby doll, you just got Aly'd. Oh! How you like that, Rhonda? Who's basic now? Oh!

Aly: There's nothing I hate more than women talking about their rings in a high-pitched voice, [high-pitched] but, oh, my God, I love my ring so much! I love it!
Cece: Aw.
Winston: I love that ring on your finger. I just want to bite it off and swallow it, and then digest it properly. And then give it back to you in a day and a half.
Aly: Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna cry.
Cece: You guys have such a weird dynamic.

Jess: Welcome, everyone, to Big Dinner, where the news is big, and the dinner is regular size. Not to be confused with Big Supper, where we eat dinner and we watch the movie Big.
Nick: The movie about a grown woman who has sex with a little boy?
Winston: What?
Cece: She didn't know.

Schmidt: Okay. It's time for the rites of passage.
Winston: Ding, ding, ding. I have some Big Dinner news of my own.
Schmidt: Winston, sit down! The topics for Big Dinner have already been decided.
Winston: As you all know, Aly and I have recently become engaged. [whistling, applause] I receive all that love, and then I give it right back.
Jess: Anyway, as we were saying...
Winston: I got to finish this. It's really important. In order to get married, I have commenced divorce proceedings with my wife...
Nick: Rhonda.
Winston: Rhonda, yeah.
Cece: Ding, ding, ding, ding. Real quick. I hate Rhonda.
Winston: [growls] Hey, that's my wife!
Nick: Such a good Harrison Ford.
Cece: Who you married as a prank. Which, for the record, no one gets.

Nick: Don't yell at us 'cause you guys are freaking out about your new jobs. I am not freaking out.
Jess: I have been preparing for this job ever since I was young enough to believe [chuckles] leprechauns were real.
Nick: Leprechauns are real.
Winston: Yeah, I caught one.
Nick: He caught one.
Schmidt: We're not having the freaking leprechaun debate right now; we'll be here for hours.
Nick: Leprechauns are real.

Nick: Hey, Schmidt. Can I get a second opinion on something?
Schmidt: Oh, about your room? Reagan's right. You need to redecorate. It looks like you live in an abandoned day care.
Nick: [chuckles] That is not what an abandoned day care looks like. You can trust me.
[flashback:]
Young Nick: Hello? Can I take a nap now?
[present:]
Schmidt: Okay, we need to talk about that a lot more later.

Schmidt: Boy ride saved my life. I would be freaking out, and you would take me on these wild adventures. Bio exam? Casino time.
Nick: [chuckles] Yeah.
Schmidt: Intro to environmental feminism?
Nick: I remember.
Schmidt: Corn maze.
Nick: That was the day we found out that corn is maize.
Schmidt: [imitates explosion]
Nick: Do we take Jess on a little Rumspringa?