Cece: Hey, um... so, I was, I was on the top of this mountain, and I finally got cell reception and there were, like, 20 voice mails from...
Schmidt: Are you in love with me? Because I'm in love with you. Deeply. But I assumed that you would never because I've... I've messed this up so many times. And you've made it very clear that you just want to be friends with me and I value that friendship so much. So if I'm ruining it by doing any of this, please, please stop me!
Cece: Schmidt. I'm in... I'm in love with you.
Schmidt: Really?
Cece: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of stupid how much I'm in love with you. You should've seen how fast I came down that mountain. I mean, a lot of it was falling. Luckily, the ground just stopped me, but...

Schmidt: You remember this?
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Looks like it's finally just the two of us, huh?
Cece: Oh, God, you're about to say something stupid, aren't you?
Schmidt: Yeah. Girl, I'm-a marry you.
Cece: Jar.
[present:]
Schmidt: I know this might seem crazy, uh, and... probably a little bit impulsive, but it's not. Not for me. I've known since the minute that I met you. [gets down on one knee]
Cece: [gasps] Oh, my God.
Schmidt: Cecelia Parikh...
Cece: Oh, God, you're gonna say something stupid, aren't you?
Schmidt: Girl, will you marry me? [all gasp, scream, laugh] Would you please shut up?! I can't hear the answer!
Cece: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Winston: Coach, is that a bigger bag?
Coach: My old bag broke, so I got a wheelie. Same system. Still only essentials.
Winston: Is there a pan in there?
Coach: Nah. Nah, that's not a pan. That was just, uh, the sound of two track pants hitting together. You know, the buttons be like... ting... ti... But, um... Yeah, since I got this new suitcase, I might as well take a few more things. Just to fill up space. Know what I mean?
Winston: Just to fill up space.
Coach: Like, uh... take these glass grapes. Just to fill up space. Not that I want them.
Winston: Of course not.
Coach: And this blanket. For cushioning. [moans]
Winston: That smells nice, huh?
Coach: For cushioning, dude. These mystery novels. Take these. Not 'cause they're Jess's, just because... I'm an avid reader now. Stop smiling at me, man. I'm taking Nick's workout jams. 'Cause, uh... that one time I trained him, saw a lot of results.
Winston: [voice breaking] I remember. He was so fat.
Coach: [voice breaking] And I'm taking this remote. Because you always hit the info button by mistake.
Winston: No, no, it's not by mistake, Coach. I like to know more about the cast and crew.
Coach: Remote's gonna miss this TV so much.
Winston: Our TV is gonna miss that remote.
Coach: [sobs] Smells like all our fingers. [both sobbing]

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston, aka Winnie the Bish, aka-aka-aka Brown Lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay, so ain't nobody riding shotgun. So you better get on while the getting is good. You got it? [ends call, tosses Jess's phone]
Jess: I hate that you're so good at this.
Winston: I was so nervous.

Winston: Oh, here we go. The Regis Philbin crepe pan. Come on, Coach. You can't give this away. Remember February 2014? Or, as we like to call it, Crepe History Month.
Coach: Crepe History Month.
Winston: [v.o.] It was a hot winter's night. We were drunk, but our judgment was on point.
[flashback:]
Regis Philbin: [on TV] You hear that sizzle? Let that sizzle speak!
Coach: Those pancakes are paper-thin.
Regis Philbin: There's only three left, so act fast. This crepe pan... is a knockout!
Winston: Coach, we got to act fast.
Coach: We got to act fast.
Winston: We got to act fast!
Coach: They're so thin! [both scream]

Schmidt: This five dollars belongs in the box. It's from the night that I first met Cece.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Looks like it's finally just the two of us, huh?
Cece: Oh, God, you're about to say something stupid, aren't you?
Schmidt: Yeah. Girl...
[present:]
Schmidt: And then I said something stupid, and Cece made me put money in the douche bag jar.
Nick: What'd you say? You say you can flex your butt cheeks like pecs?
Coach: I bet you were all like, "You're making my dong go crazy!"
Winston: I bet he said something chauvinistic... ...that comes from insecurity but ultimately leads to something endearing.
Schmidt: You know, it doesn't matter what I said. Nonessential, right?
Coach: Exactly.
Schmidt: So, good-bye, Cece. May some poor street urchin with a perfect 34-D enjoy the sports bra that you left in my car.

Schmidt: Look at all this crap. Look at this. "Associated Strategies." "Ass Strat." What a joke. More like "Butt Strat." This place is total butt.
Nick: Hey, Jess, it's our sex mug.
Schmidt & Coach: What?
Jess: Oh... nothing. It's just a mug that Nick and I used for sex.
Coach: Oh, gross. Like, in it?
Schmidt: Ew! What?
Jess: No. No, we used it when we were dating. It was hard to find times to be intimate with everyone around, so we needed to come up with a code.
Nick: Just a way to let each other know we were aroused without arousing suspicion. That's wordplay. It's also a free writing lesson.

Jess: Obviously, I was the one who put the mug out, so I wanted to thank you for covering for me.
Nick: No problem.
Jess: Obviously, we're broken up, and it was... a moment of weakness.
Nick: I didn't even know you put it out; I didn't see it.
Jess: Oh!
Nick: No harm, no foul.
Jess: Well...
Nick: We didn't bone. No bone, no phone home.

Winston: Pop, pop, little bubble! Let that sizzle speak. It's time to flip. Care to do the honors?
Coach: Ah, sure, man. That'd be cool. [tosses spatula]
Winston: Rude.
Coach: Winston, you're not gonna trick me into taking the stupid pan. It stays behind... that's the system! Clean break.
Winston: You know what, fine, Coach, don't take it with you. Leave everything behind. Try not to remember anyone. We are nonessential. Message received. [Coach eyes the crepe] Nah, Coach, I don't think so. Because this crepe belongs in the belly of someone with a heart. [flips crepe onto plate]

Coach: Uh... I love you guys and, uh... I'm gonna miss you. Especially you, Jebecca. Aw.