Cece: The very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don't work.

Winston: This is the happiest I've been in my entire life. I mean, look at my feet. Can't you see how happy I am?
Aly: Okay, you know I still technically have a boyfriend, right?
Winston: Oh, it's cool, I'm married.
Aly: What?
Winston: Oh, don't worry, it was a prank.
Aly: What?!

Jess: Welcome to your bachelorette party 2.0. I got... the nail polish.
Cece: Mm.
Jess: I got comfy socks.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: I have Canadian Broadcast Television's 1985 masterpiece, Anne of Green Gables.
Cece: Good ol' A.G.G.
Jess: But, oh, wait... who invited this little green chimney? I-it's a bong.
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Oh, scoot, once every ten years, Jessica Day likes to partake in what the Native Americans call... cannabis.
Cece: That's Latin.
Jess: I like to call it Giggle Dirt.
Cece: You know, we really don't have to do this, because every time you smoke weed you almost die.

Jess: Like, why... like, why... like why are Gilbert's lips so sexual?

Cece: I-I love Schmidt, you know I love Schmidt, but I would throw it all away for Gilbert. I would just ruin my life to that boy.

Jess: Oh, my God, I... my hearing is, like, so good without my glasses on. I'm, like... a super hear-o. Just... eating up sounds with my ear mouths. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God, wait till you try that. Put them on.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: It's like my hearing is, like, what a dog hears. I can hear the TV.
Cece: I can hear the TV.
Jess: I can hear the TV.

Cece: I think this is a gift from our registry.
Jess: Wait, don't open it! What if I-inside of it is us, but we're older?
Cece: I've no clue what this is. You know, Schmidt handled everything from the registry.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: [scanner beeping] Crockpot! Kettle, kettle! Espresso maker! Trivet! Melon baller!

Jess: Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. This simple bitch wants you to be some kind of June Cleaver, Betty Draper, Carol Brady wifey?!
Cece: Mm-mm.
Jess: It is the 21st century!
Cece: Uh-huh.
Jess: Fifth generation feminism!
Cece: Keep going.
Jess: Work-life balance!
Cece: We need to rise up.
Jess: Yeah! 22% less pay for the same job?!
Cece: Don't tell me what to wax!
Jess: Sideburn where my thigh turn.

Cece: This was shipped like this so we are gonna need a new one.
Lady Employee: You obviously broke this yourself.
Cece: Uh...
Jess: Uh... You obviously broke it yourself.
Cece: Yup.
Lady Employee: No.
Cece: You crushed it with your mind.
Lady Employee: Okay, you're calling me a witch?
Jess: No, no, no, a sorceress, A sorceress. You just have magical powers, you don't like...
Lady Employee: I don't know how I can help you today.
Cece: It's like that episode of... remember that episode?
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: Of that... yeah.

Cece: Okay, so, like, um... how-how much would it... would it be to replace it?
Lady Employee: It's $1,200.
Jess: Is there a store in the mall that sells $1,200 for, like, $50?