Winston: Give her the shirt back, man.
Spencer: What happens if I say no?
Schmidt: You know what happens? Schmidt happens! [slaps Spencer]
Spencer: Ow. What's on your hand?
Schmidt: Thumb ring, bitch! You got some Schmidt on your face!

Schmidt: Can I ask you something?
Jess: You wan't my help? Sure.
Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jess: I don't know how to answer that question.
Schmidt: Okay, look, I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably going to bring her back here for sex.
Jess: I have to get to school cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.
Schmidt: I get that, but as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest? You know like, like where am I best on display? Here? Here? Or... here?

[Jess kicks opens the door, walks in and places the breakfast tray own on the floor so loudly that it wakes Winston up]
Winston: What the... What the... Who?
Jess: I'm Jess.
[from the kitchen:]
Jess: [o.s., sings] I'm Je.....ss!
Winston: [o.s. loudly] What's happening?! Why are you doing that?!

Jess: Hi, Winston. Hey, I apologize for what happened before. Not cool, bad call. I've been talking to the guys about boundaries, so I totally get it.
Winston: Perfectly fine, no problem.
Jess: Do you have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size. It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now cause I broke up with my boyfriend. And I caught him cheating and... I just like grabbed whatever I could and...
Schmidt: [steps out of the shower] Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found. It's where I keep all the things the girls leave behind in my room after we've fo'nicate. I've got sizes 0 through 10.

Jess: [holding a shoe] You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.
Schmidt: [takes a show] Ah man, look at these, wow. [takes hair extension] Oh, look at that, Rosh Hashanah '06. Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.
Jess: Winston seems nice.
Schmidt: Did he say anything to you about the room?
Jess: What room?
Schmidt: The big room, I kinda took it from him when he left, I used to be in the small room. [pulls out a yelow shirt which reads "I am Claire"] This happened in the small room. Twice. Never going back there again, Jess.

Jess: I just don't wanna get in a big fight with Spencer. I want to be friends with him eventually.
Nick: Why do you wanna be friends with your ex? I don't wanna be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart out with her perfect, perfect hands.
Jess: He has this power over me. Like he's a wizard and I'm his mage. And I think it's his hair. He has this, like, really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it I get "the woowoos".
Nick: Oh, my God, I hate my life!

Schmidt: Okay, guys just... Look, Jess. I know. Closure. Ouch. Am I right?
Jess: I don't know at all what you're saying right now.
Schmidt: Okay, Jess, think about it...

Spencer: I'm so glad we're talking. Last time I saw you, you were so mad.
Jess: How is, um...?
Spencer: Rochelle.
Jess: Rochelle. Fancy name.
Spencer: She's great.
Jess: Rochelle like a mermaid.
Spencer: Yeah.
Jess: [underwater voice] Hello, I'm Rochelle. I fish.

Schmidt: Do you really think I'm top dog?
Nick: Yes
Schmidt: Do you think I'm head baller, shot caller?
Nick: Yes, Schmidt, I feel that way.
Schmidt: See that, man? It's my new thumb ring. How choice is that? Little skull. It's so nectar.
Nick: Did you just make up nectar?
Schmidt: Nah, it's a volleyball term.

Jess: [sings along to Vanessa Williams "Save the Best for Last"]
Winston: What? I own this song.
Jess: [sings] And then you go and save the best for last. [pulls over]
Schmidt: What's happening?
Winston: What's happening is that is a great song.