Reagan: I am never gonna figure him out. I feel like I found a forest baby, and I don't know when it's hungry or in pain or afraid of the kitchen light.
Jess: I know. [chuckles] Nick is just an enigma wrapped up in a bunch of Chicago Bears crap. You need the help of a seasoned vet.

Schmidt: So many marital problems we have. My baby's got a real sweet tooth. Just the other day, she ate an entire sleeve of pecan sandies and punched the top right off of a parking meter. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. [Cece clears her throat] She yells at me constantly and... There's one time where she tipped over a table.
Cece: He gambled away another paycheck.
Aly: Oh, no!
Schmidt: It's the ponies. I'm addicted.
Aly: Right, right, right.
Cece: It's true. All the money that he wins on gambling, he puts up his nose.
Schmidt: Oh.
Aly: It's cocaine now, as well.
Schmidt: Love me the ca-caine. Feel invisible when I do it.
Aly: This feels like some sort of weird foreplay. I'm out of here.

Cece: Little Winnie is growing up. First he's a husband and then maybe one day he could be a father...
Winston: One day? [chuckles] I am a father.
Schmidt: It's a cat, Winston.
Winston: He's my blood.

Jess: Well, this is the last of Robby's stuff.
Reagan: How you doing with the breakup?
Jess: Really well, since we're related, and all the laws of nature say we should not be together. If you guys need me today, I'll be in my room rearranging my furniture so it no longer resembles a place where I made out with my cousin. [all groaning] Third cousin.
Schmidt: Still. Ew.
Cece: Ugh, barely better.
Reagan: Don't normalize it, Jess.
Jess: You're right, you're right.

Jess: Hey, Nick. Are you wearing your running bottoms and your hoodie?
Schmidt: Nick, are you going running?
Reagan: Have fun. [Nick exits]
Schmidt: Oh, my God. What is wrong with Nick, Reagan?
Cece: Yeah, what happened? Are you guys okay?
Reagan: Nick is going for a run. [chuckles] If anything, we should be asking what is right with Nick.
Jess: He only goes running if he's upset. And he's wearing his sad hoodie. And by the looks of it, it's been washed, which is bone-chilling.

Nick: I submitted The Pepperwood Chronicles to a publishing company, and I got the rejection letter today. My career is over.
Jess: No, it's not. Nick, someday you'll be talking to a reanimated Oprah about that book.

Winston: Anyway, uh, Schmidt and Cece asked us to help paint their house.
Cece: Paint our house?
Winston: Paint the house. Remember? That's the activity for all of us to do. You know, 'cause you wanted... you wanted... Paint the house.
Cece: Paint the house. Yes, we... did. Even though the majority of our house is already painted.
Schmidt: We wanted our best friends to finish it. Not professionals. Like, uh... like our new home was some tree house in a Little League baseball movie.

Jess: Hey, um, how's he doing?
Reagan: Not very good. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm starting to freak out now. This is me freaking out.
Jess: Do I sometimes wonder if you're a robot? Yeah.

Aly: Guys, as much as I love a good whisper fight, I should go.
Cece: Oh, no! No, no, no, you, uh, can not leave.
Aly: Why not?
Schmidt: Because we can't be alone together.
Aly: Because...?
Cece: Because... Because... we're having marital problems.
Schmidt: That's... secret, which is part of our marital problem. She's got a big mouth, but a great can. Which is also part of our marital problems. I objectify her.
Aly: See, I knew something was up. Everyone was like, "They're so perfect!" And I was like, "No. Something in that relationship is very, very broken." [Schmidt nods]

Jess: All right. Just tell him you believe in him, and that he can do this.
Reagan: Yeah. I'm not good at this. Obviously. So... What would you say, Jess, if you were me?
Jess: I would say... [sighs] Nick, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Everyone here is lucky to hear your book, because it's a part of you. And if you fail, it doesn't change how special you are. And no matter what happens here, I'll always love you. Or something like that.
Reagan: That made me tear up a little bit. I'm gonna use that.