Nick: Honesty, I'm, uh, sorry I ki... You know what? I'm not. I'm not sorry that I kissed your girlfriend. 'Cause, first of all, she wanted me to! And it was fun. It felt great. And then we dated for a long time and that was fun. You were out of the picture, not even in her thoughts. It was a whole new thing. We just, we fell in love with each other, like crazy love... like, a lot of good memories, a lot of passion. A lot of good sex.
Jess: Nick.
Nick: We once tried to sneak into the Kids' Choice Awards, and we got in and watched a bunch of kids get awards. So, yeah.
Jess: Nick.
Nick: Topped... Okay. I have a fever of 103 and I'm talking to a chair and I'm not a great talk...

Schmidt: Every time she gets a job at a new school, she brings back kid germs that infect your filthy body. Don't get me sick.
Winston: Don't get me sick either, man. I got a date coming up, and I might get to mouth-base.
Nick: I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer.
Jess: Nick, are you eating raisins from my purse? I confiscated those from a kid.
Nick: That explains why they're so sticky. [chuckles] Sticky Nicky eats anything and I don't get sick.
Schmidt: Nick, you have, like, 7,500 raisins all over your room. Why would you eat the...? [Nick sneezes] I knew it. I knew it.
Jess: That was so immediate.

Schmidt: Okay, let's make this quick. I need to work on my presentation. It's for a chair company, and it's tentatively titled, "I Hope You're Sitting Down for This." 'Cause it's chairs.
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: At which point you would laugh if you weren't so preoccupied with your date. Okay, Winston, what are you wearing?
Winston: Well, you know, I don't want to overthink it. It's just coffee, so...
Schmidt: So you're going to just dress like you did today, which apparently happened during a solar eclipse in a land of no mirrors.

Schmidt: This is the first date since the... since the Aly heartbreak. This date is going to define the next chapter of your dating story. Wear these magnificent sunglasses. Put 'em on. Oh, man. You look like Brad Pitt on a tank. In that movie Furry.
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: You ever see Furry?
Winston: Furry? Nah.
Schmidt: It's a bunch of dudes on a tank. They're, uh... and they're outnumbered and they shoot a bunch of people.
Winston: Are they dressed in...?
Schmidt: You should check it out. Just look it up, Furry.
Winston: [chuckles] Google "Furry," nice, yeah.
Schmidt: Hey, don't screw up this date, it's important.
Winston: [imitates sneeze]

Jess: How is Genevieve dating Sam? Is Los Angeles that small? You guys even listening to me?
Cece: Yeah, we're listening. What-what did Queen Ta Ta say?
Nick: Well, the ball's tonight, and Queen Ta Ta's got nothing to wear, so she's got to find a dress.
Winston: What the hell is this show?
Nick & Cece: Poppycock Palace.
Nick: It's amazing.

Winston: All these puppets do is sing about how they're friends. I'm starting to not believe them.
Cece: Shh! This is the best part.
Puppet: [on video] The Tee-Tee Wah Wah was in... [drumroll plays]
Winston: It's in the damn Pee-Paw Playhouse!
Cece: Shh. Spoiler alert, man.
Puppets: The Pee-Paw Playhouse! [Cece and Nick laugh]
Cece: Every time.
Winston: I've been saying that for the past hour 'cause I saw you put it in there! You know what? I can't. I can not. I'm not sick. I've been faking it. There you go, Poppycock Palace. You've outed me!

Schmidt: Okay, good morning. Yes, help yourself to a bagel. Hmm. They're all the same, Jan. No need to put your hands on every one of them. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, as you know, on the seventh day, God... he rested. Yes, that's right. God rested on the seventh day. But the question remains: What did he rest on? That's right. He rested... on a chair. [Winston sneezes] Oh... Look underneath your butts. You will find mankind's greatest invention. Without chairs, do you know what we have? Squat, both position and diddly kind.

Genevieve: Samuel, what do you think?
Sam: I would love to explore all of this with you, but I have a circumcision to perform.
Jess: Hopefully not your own. Just kidding. I know you're circumcised. Ha, ha. Yeah. Well, not that I think about it, it just... I mean, I'm definitely not picturing it right now. I am picturing it. Only 'cause we talked about it.

Naomi: Those sunglasses are amazing.
Winston: Well, they're made even more amazing by your reflection in them.
Naomi: Wait, how are you seeing my reflection in them?
Winston: You got me. I'm not. [both laugh] I'm just running game.
Naomi: Are you this smooth-talking in regular glasses?
Winston: No, I'm not that smooth-talking, no. I'm not. I'm not gonna lie to you.

Cece: Why don't you want to go on this date?
Winston: Because I'm not over Aly. And I know I should be moving on and this girl is okay, but she's not Aly.
Cece: [congested] No one is Aly.
Winston: What'd she say?
Cece: Wait. Just hold.
Nick: Oh, please don't blow your nose. You do it so disgustingly.
Cece: [blowing nose loudly] Not done.
Winston: I don't need to know that bad what you said.
Cece: [blowing nose loudly]
Nick: I'm beggin' you to stop. Just stop.
Cece: [sniffs wetly] [coughs] [clearly:] No one is Aly. Okay? You have to give other people a chance. You deserve to be happy, Winston. Just go on the date.
Nick: Or I could fire up another episode and we could see where they hide the Tee-Tee Wah Wah this time.
Cece: I wonder where it would be.
Winston: No, I'm-I'm gonna go on the date. Yeah, I think I'll do that. You guys are right. Could you tell your future husband to let me out of this room, please?
Cece: I love that man, but he is not letting anyone out of this room. Just being in here makes you fully contaminated.