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‘Return to Sender’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Return to Sender

520. Return to Sender

Aired May 3, 2016

Jess questions her relationship with Sam when his old friend, Diane, comes to town. Meanwhile, Nick tries to keep Schmidt from getting his hopes up when he spends time with his absent father, Gavin.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Look, I know you don't trust my dad, but I'm happy that he's here. We're working through stuff.
Nick: Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have a relationship with your father. I really do, but I've been down this road so many times. He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden expects...
Schmidt: It's "blue". It's "blue."
Nick: Well, thanks, Eye-stein.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: But if it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Schmidt: Am I Humpty Dumpty?
Nick: Yeah. I'm just not doing it again.
Schmidt: You won't have to.
Nick: Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg.
Schmidt: He's most definitely an egg, Nick.
Nick: So, what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg?
Schmidt: It's a parable. Humpty Dumpty is the king.
Nick: Who told you that?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, Jess, heads up, I borrowed your towel.
Jess: Use your own towel if you're gonna shower.
Nick: No, I didn't shower, I just sponged off.
Jess: Ew. Ugh! That's even worse. You didn't even get clean before you used the towel.
Nick: It's called a French whore's bath.
Jess: You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore.
Cece: You would make zero dollars.
Nick: I'd make millions, millions. Bonjour. Croissant. Millions.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Sam. Guess who the luckiest boy in the world is? It's you. It's an extra bird shirt, huh? I keep an extra one in my car, just in case I get interviewed on television.
Sam: Oh. Thank you. [folds the shirt, places it on the bar]
Winston: Put on the bird shirt, Sam.
Sam: I will.
Winston: When?
Sam: When I don't have to take my other shirt off in a bar full of people.
[Winston maintains eye contact with Sam as he backs away across the bar]

Quote from Cece

Cece: This past year with Schmidt's changed me. It's made me believe in love stories.
Jess: Is that why you were crying during the bank commercial where the two old people were texting each other?
Cece: Jessica...
Jess: I know.
Cece: They now have the money that they need...
Jess: No, I know...
Cece: to be buried together. [Jess laughs] We both know that you're not gonna be able to live with yourself if you don't give this letter to Sam.
Jess: Yeah. What if I lose him?
Cece: Well, then you'll at least know, babe. It's not your love story.
Jess: Oh. I have something to tell you. The old man in the bank commercial, um, played a Nazi in Schindler's List. Does that change anything?

Quote from Winston

Winston: Happy Bird Day, Dr. Sam.
Sam: Wow, you didn't have to do that.
Schmidt: Did you say, "Bird Day"?
Winston: You heard me. Well, you know, I figured Jess likes you, so I like you, too, man. Welcome to the family.
Sam: H-Hey, look at that. It's a shirt with a whole lot of birds on it.
Winston: That's a bird shirt.
Sam: Bird shirt. What? Why? What-what's the...?
Winston: Ah, you know why.
[flashback to Sam passing by Winston in a bird shirt:]
Sam: Cool shirt, dude.
Winston: [chuckles]
[present:]
Winston: We're bird bros now. And check it out, you can wear it to the party. You know, nothing says, "This dude is dope," like a motherflippin' finch, am I right?

Quote from Cece

Jess: I've never seen him laugh like that. What do I do?
Cece: Think of it this way: you're a dog, he's a fire hydrant, you pee on him, girl.
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: There you go.
Jess: I'm gonna go lift a leg on him.

Quote from Nick

Gavin: Now this varietal gained prominence in the '30s as an Italian driving wine. Now they call it a picnic wine, but we know what they're up to. But as they say, "Wine is fine, but bourbon is schwervin'." I think I got a buzz.
Nick: Yeah, me too. Hang on. Uh, you're gonna like this. [flips over a floorboard to grab a bottle]
Schmidt: How much hooch do you have stored in this place, you mountain person?
Nick: Prohibition happened once.
Nick and Gavin: It can happen again.
Nick: Yeah.
Gavin: It was pretty easy to see where you were going with that.
Schmidt: Look at the two of you. Bonding over the thing that numbs you. [Nick and Gavin laugh]

Quote from Jess

Jess: That was the most romantic story I've ever heard. And I don't want to get between them. Or do I? I love Sam, and I don't want to throw it all away because she couldn't figure out how to buy a Forever stamp.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You guys are finally getting along. You were like, "We've been down this road."
Nick: It's great. I just want to check in. Y-You said you weren't gonna get sucked in, and it seems like you're getting sucked in.
Schmidt: Sucked in? I'm not getting sucked in. If anybody's getting sucked, it's just me sucking myself in. No, I know how that sounded.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: But you, I mean you...
Nick: You good?
Schmidt: Yeah.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, uh, Gavin, hold up. Um... I feel like I can say this to you because, well, you know, we shared a cup.
Gavin: You really live by a specific code.
Nick: Look, we both know how this is gonna go down, Gavin. You're gonna get Schmidt's expectations up, and then you're gonna bail.
Gavin: I know.
Nick: Just be better. Be his dad. Just be there for him, even when it's not fun, and sometimes it's really not fun. I know. I've been doing it for 15 years.
Gavin: Thank you.
Nick: Don't thank me. Just promise me if you show up for dinner tonight, you'll show up tomorrow and the day after and the week after, and basically forever.
Gavin: I will be there.
Nick: Will you, Gavin? Will you? Will you, Gavin?
Gavin: I will.
Nick: Will you? Will you, Gavin?
Gavin: You're really dragging this out.
Nick: No, I've already gone through everything I had rehearsed. I really thought the elevator would be here by now.
Gavin: We could talk about other stuff.
Nick: Can we, Gavin? Can we?
Gavin: Yeah.
Nick: Can we, Gavin? [elevator bell dings] Oh, thank God.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Cece, you want to know what I think?
Cece: Mm, not really.
Winston: I think there are people who get bird shirts, and there are people who don't. Jessica Day needs to be with a bird shirt person.
Cece: Am I a bird shirt person?
Winston: Oh, Cece, why do you always have to make things about you?

Quote from Jess

Jess: You know what, one of these days, I'm gonna get you to laugh with your mouth open.
Sam: I know you will.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: No, that's not gonna do it.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: You just said the same thing.
Jess: [Italian accent] Now that's what she said.
Sam: That's... What accent is that?
Jess: It's Italian.
Sam: Oh, really?
Jess: That's what she said!
Sam: Nope, that didn't do it, either.
Jess: That's what she said.
Sam: Now you're just changing the stress.
Jess: That's what she said?
Sam: Maybe you should stop. [Jess laughs]
Jess: That's what she said. Ooh.
Sam: Ooh. That was closer.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Here we go.
Jess: Peter. That's Sam's favorite male nurse. He's gotten him two years in a row for secret Santa, and last year, he got him $500, and this year, he got him crayons. All over the map, that Peter.
Cece: So, when you get to Sam's birthday party, is the goal to impress his friends with how much you know about them or to terrify them?
Jess: I just want them to like me. Finally, I feel like I'm in an adult relationship. He's a grown-up.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Sam, I'm so sorry I won't be able to attend your party. I have wedding stuff.
Nick: "Stuff"? Define "stuff."
Schmidt: Things.
Nick: Thank you.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What are you doing here? I thought you'd be at Sam's party.
Nick: What's he doing here?
Schmidt: Well, after the incident where my dad kissed... [heaving]
Nick: If you're gonna barf, just barf. It's not healthy to hold it in.
Schmidt: Where my dad kissed Jess, there was an accidental pocket dial that actually went pretty well. He suggested some wine tasting for the wedding, and I said, "Why not?"
Nick: You're just gonna drink alone with your dad?
Gavin: Join us, Nick, the Pinot from my vineyard is dynamite this year. It's gonna taste fantastic at my son's wedding in a factory.
Nick: Gavin, it's actually a slaughterhouse, and you would know that if you were around more.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: He shows you a great time, you get sucked in, then he disappears and breaks your heart, and I'm left to pick up the pieces.
[flashback to college:]
Younger Schmidt: My dad's taking me to... Miss Saigon tonight! And I'm not gonna get hurt.
[flashback to a little later:]
Younger Schmidt: My dad never showed up.
Younger Nick: He didn't?
Younger Schmidt: It hurts so bad!
Younger Nick: You want a milkshake, cowboy? [Schmidt nods]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It's different now.
Nick: I've heard that before.
[flashback to the loft:]
Younger Schmidt: We're seeing Jersey Boys!
Younger Nick: Wait, this is your dad we're talking about!
Younger Schmidt: And he's different now, Nick.
[flashback to a little later:]
Younger Schmidt: [crying] He's the same!
Younger Nick: I didn't have ice cream, so I just really shook up some milk.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, Sam said he spilled on the bird shirt and he had to take it off. He's putting on a brave face, but, poor thing, I know he is just crushed.
Cece: Babe.
Winston: What, babe?
Cece: He doesn't like the shirt.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No... babe.
Cece: Yeah... babe.
Winston: No, babe.
Cece: Yeah, babe.
Winston: No... babe.
Cece: Yeah... babe.
Winston: No.
Cece: Yeah.
Winston: Babe.

Quote from Jess

Diane: Sam, do you remember in med school when we got drunk and sewed fins on that dead guy? [both laugh]
Sam: We made a merman!
Jess: Hey, Sam, remember the other night when you ate all that bad crab and, uh, you said, "Not tonight," and I said, "Yeah, tonight," and then you said, "No, not tonight," and then the next night, when you were feeling better, remember what we did?
Sam: We... we had sex?
Jess: Had sex! [laughs] The kind where you need a snack after. Hey-o!

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