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‘Thanksgiving IV’ Quotes

New Girl: Thanksgiving IV

409. Thanksgiving IV

Aired November 25, 2014

Schmidt encourages the group to invite dates for each other on what he terms "Bangsgiving".

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof because Bangsgiving is in peril. All of you are focusing on things that have nothing to do with getting laid. Let us please not repeat the mistakes that we made at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.

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Quote from Jess

Nick: So, I saw your butt earlier. It's been holding up nicely.
Jess: It does the trick.
Nick: And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.
Jess: Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing. I kind of came onto him, and he told me he wanted more than just sex.
Nick: He wanted more than sex and that's a bad thing? How?
Jess: Well, look, I'm his boss. We could get sued, and I could get fired. There's a reason it's against the rules.
Nick: You gotta br... okay. Remember when we tried to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Jess: Okay, I stick by that-- that kid is not a hero. All he does is break rules. What's so great about that?
Nick: You're taking Rooney's side. No one takes Rooney's side.
Jess: I'm a vice principal-- Rooney is my people. Ferris hijacks a parade. That is an act of terror.

Quote from Nick

Nick: You want to know what I think, 'cause you're not going to like it.
Jess: What?
Nick: I don't think this is about breaking rules. I think Ryan scares you. You like him, and you're going to have to put yourself out there again, and that scares you. But look, life moves really fast. And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while, you just might miss it.
Jess: Is that from Ferris Bueller?
Nick: Yes, it is.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: It's a terrific movie.
Jess: All right.
Nick: And I delivered it perfectly.
Jess: It was pretty good.

Quote from Coach

Winston: Did you steal my belt buckle, you Silly Billy?
Schmidt: Enough out of you, Winston!
Coach: Silly Billy? Dude. If you unzipped your face and an old white woman popped out, I would not be shocked.
Cece: Really?
Coach: No.
Nick: I would.
Winston: I would be very surprised.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Plus, he's British, so you know the sex will be weirdly polite. [in British accent] Do you mind if I finish now?
Jess: He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist.
Coach: [British accent] Do you like that? Is that good, eh? All right. Here we go.
Jess: One-- really? Two-- what?
Coach: [indistinct British mumbling] Hey, you like it when I do it like that, eh?
Schmidt: That was spot-on.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me, I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately, so do with that what you will.
Coach: No one do anything with that.
Jess: Can I just say no mustaches?
Cece: I'd like someone tall.
Coach: She's got to have an ass.
Winston: Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?
Nick: I want to say who I picked so bad.
Schmidt: I'm looking for a fake redhead. With a medium-sized neck.
Winston: I just want to be slapped around.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston, months ago I warned you that winter was coming. And for the cold and wretched days ahead, I stressed our need to take lovers and take them quickly.
Jess: Your head is huge. [chuckles] Your hat's the size of a garbage can.
Nick: You look great in that hat, man. What a hunk.
Jess: You look like Jewish Pharrell.
Schmidt: Th-Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Okay. Now, winter is now here. And I vow that we will not miss our final opportunity for sexual realization in 2014.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That is why this year we will not be celebrating Thanksgiving. Instead, we will be celebrating...
Jess: Remember last Thanksgiving when I almost died? [others agreeing, chattering]
Schmidt: ...Bangsgiving! We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving! Why can't you let me just have this, you guys? Please.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey, come here. You got something on your face.
Winston: Really? What is it? [Coach slaps Winston] Ow.
Coach: It's, like, right... What were you thinking, bringing me that girl from the police academy?
Winston: What's wrong with Pepper?
[flashback to Coach taking Pepper back to the loft:]
Coach: Allow me... [takes her coat] Arms!
[present:]
Coach: She's jacked, dude. You should've warned me you were setting me up with one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
Jess: I'm sure she's not that bad. [sees Pepper] Whoa. Where was she when I was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: So where exactly is this "date" of mine? All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked.
Schmidt: Your date's name is Geoff and he will be here. By the way, he spells Geoff with a "G," so you know he comes from money.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [to Tran] Well, I think the real difference is crocodiles are man-eaters and alligators...
Schmidt: What in the bloody hell? Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here?
Nick: Oh, well, I picked my own name. So you said to bring somebody. So I thought it'd be weird if I didn't bring someone. So I just brought Tran.
Schmidt: You brought an old Asian man to my sex party so it wouldn't be weird?
Nick: Relax. He didn't come empty-handed. He brought a game. It's like Thailand Monopoly. Yeah, all the squares are jail except for one piece of property which we all have to fight each other for. But don't get caught in the Red Light District.
Schmidt: This isn't a freaking game night, Nick.
Nick: Okay, chill out.
Schmidt: You... You're making a mockery of this holiday and you know it.
Nick: [to Tran] I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand, if that's where you're from even.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Grounds?
Nick: The statute of limitation hasn't expired.
Schmidt: You dated her three years ago for, like, two and a half months. The statute is very specific. 1,000 showers. After that, no claim.
Nick: And if you think I've showered 1,000 times in the past three years, then you're out of your mind.
Schmidt: Did you ever spend more than $65 on her, not including tip?
Nick: It's tough. There were a lot of coupons involved.
Schmidt: Did you ever watch her dog?
Nick: Trick question: she had fish and I killed them.
Schmidt: You ever get her a gift?
Nick: Every time we had sex. [both laugh]
Schmidt: No claim.

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: Now, what is the freakin' problem?
Jess: Coach did the opposite of what I asked.
Coach: Come on, Jess, you guys would be great together. It's a dumb rule, all right? Dumb rule. At least he turns you on. Pepper makes my ding-dong and my ping-pongs go into my body.
[flashback:]
Jess: Can somebody help me with this keg?
Pepper: Yeah, sure. Pepper's got it. [grunts]
[present:]
Coach: What if she doesn't know her own strength down there, and...
Nick: Be a nightmare.
Coach: she mushes it, or, like, rips it off and throws it across the room like a hot dog?

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: According to the statute, if you two can't agree, we take it to a vote. The winner gets the girl, the loser gets five grilled cheese sandwiches.
Nick: I'll agree to that.
Schmidt: Let's do it.
Nick: All right, all those in favor of Schmidt not sleeping with Lucy, raise your hand now.
Coach: I don't care.
Cece: Couldn't care less.
Nick: Raise 'em up. Put 'em up.
Schmidt: Huzzah! Warning: tonight things will get loud with Lucy. But don't worry. I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth right before I see angels.
Jess: Okay, guys, what about me?
Schmidt: Get your own sock.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: You're pissed at me for bringing Lucy, and you bring Tran as a date?
Nick: Hey, leave Tran out of this. He fought in Korea! I don't know which side, but I know he's a war hero.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You know, growing up, we had this lunch lady named Ms. Witten. One day, I cut in line so I can get extra Tater Tots, and as punishment, she made me eat the entire tray in front of her... while she stared at me for a long period of time. I'm not sure if you know how hard that is for a growing boy.
Pearl: How old were you?
Winston: I was 18.
Pearl: If it helps, we're called lunch monitors now. No one says "lunch lady" anymore.
Winston: Oh. Kind of like how we can't call little people "shrinkies." Oh. Lunch Monitor Pearl. I like it. [ladles chocolate pudding]
Pearl: Excellent form.
Winston: You don't have a hard job.


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