Nick: So, I saw your butt earlier. It's been holding up nicely.
Jess: It does the trick.
Nick: And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.
Jess: Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing. I kind of came onto him, and he told me he wanted more than just sex.
Nick: He wanted more than sex and that's a bad thing? How?
Jess: Well, look, I'm his boss. We could get sued, and I could get fired. There's a reason it's against the rules.
Nick: You gotta br... okay. Remember when we tried to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Jess: Okay, I stick by that-- that kid is not a hero. All he does is break rules. What's so great about that?
Nick: You're taking Rooney's side. No one takes Rooney's side.
Jess: I'm a vice principal-- Rooney is my people. Ferris hijacks a parade. That is an act of terror.

Schmidt: Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof because Bangsgiving is in peril. All of you are focusing on things that have nothing to do with getting laid. Let us please not repeat the mistakes that we made at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.

Nick: You want to know what I think, 'cause you're not going to like it.
Jess: What?
Nick: I don't think this is about breaking rules. I think Ryan scares you. You like him, and you're going to have to put yourself out there again, and that scares you. But look, life moves really fast. And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while, you just might miss it.
Jess: Is that from Ferris Bueller?
Nick: Yes, it is.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: It's a terrific movie.
Jess: All right.
Nick: And I delivered it perfectly.
Jess: It was pretty good.

Winston: Did you steal my belt buckle, you Silly Billy?
Schmidt: Enough out of you, Winston!
Coach: Silly Billy? Dude. If you unzipped your face and an old white woman popped out, I would not be shocked.
Cece: Really?
Coach: No.
Nick: I would.
Winston: I would be very surprised.

Coach: Plus, he's British, so you know the sex will be weirdly polite. [in British accent] Do you mind if I finish now?
Jess: He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist.
Coach: [British accent] Do you like that? Is that good, eh? All right. Here we go.
Jess: One-- really? Two-- what?
Coach: [indistinct British mumbling] Hey, you like it when I do it like that, eh?
Schmidt: That was spot-on.

Winston: So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me, I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately, so do with that what you will.
Coach: No one do anything with that.
Jess: Can I just say no mustaches?
Cece: I'd like someone tall.
Coach: She's got to have an ass.
Winston: Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?
Nick: I want to say who I picked so bad.
Schmidt: I'm looking for a fake redhead. With a medium-sized neck.
Winston: I just want to be slapped around.

Schmidt: Now, what is the freakin' problem?
Jess: Coach did the opposite of what I asked.
Coach: Come on, Jess, you guys would be great together. It's a dumb rule, all right? Dumb rule. At least he turns you on. Pepper makes my ding-dong and my ping-pongs go into my body.
[flashback:]
Jess: Can somebody help me with this keg?
Pepper: Yeah, sure. Pepper's got it. [grunts]
[present:]
Coach: What if she doesn't know her own strength down there, and...
Nick: Be a nightmare.
Coach: she mushes it, or, like, rips it off and throws it across the room like a hot dog?

Winston: You know, growing up, we had this lunch lady named Ms. Witten. One day, I cut in line so I can get extra Tater Tots, and as punishment, she made me eat the entire tray in front of her... while she stared at me for a long period of time. I'm not sure if you know how hard that is for a growing boy.
Pearl: How old were you?
Winston: I was 18.
Pearl: If it helps, we're called lunch monitors now. No one says "lunch lady" anymore.
Winston: Oh. Kind of like how we can't call little people "shrinkies." Oh. Lunch Monitor Pearl. I like it. [ladles chocolate pudding]
Pearl: Excellent form.
Winston: You don't have a hard job.

Schmidt: Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston, months ago I warned you that winter was coming. And for the cold and wretched days ahead, I stressed our need to take lovers and take them quickly.
Jess: Your head is huge. [chuckles] Your hat's the size of a garbage can.
Nick: You look great in that hat, man. What a hunk.
Jess: You look like Jewish Pharrell.
Schmidt: Th-Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Okay. Now, winter is now here. And I vow that we will not miss our final opportunity for sexual realization in 2014.

Schmidt: That is why this year we will not be celebrating Thanksgiving. Instead, we will be celebrating...
Jess: Remember last Thanksgiving when I almost died? [others agreeing, chattering]
Schmidt: ...Bangsgiving! We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving! Why can't you let me just have this, you guys? Please.