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‘Secrets’ Quotes

New Girl: Secrets

119. Secrets

Aired April 3, 2012

Jess finds out about Cece and Schmidt. Meanwhile, Nick gets dating advice from Schmidt.

Quote from Winston

Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

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Quote from Jess

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!
Cece: I totally forgot we were going to run today.
Jess: I e-mailed you, like, three times.
Cece: Maybe you typed "gmoil" again.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft, and that means that I have some secrets I want to get off my chest.
Schmidt: I'd rather not hear those.
Nick: Nobody wants to hear these.
Jess: Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
Schmidt: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.
Nick: Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.
Cece: Why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler?
Jess: Because Cece, I don't want to live in a world with secrets. And that means that I now know my three roommates have all thought about me while self-completing. So, I'm gonna wear my winter clothes until I can deal with that fact. But it's better than not knowing.
Cece: Is it really better?
Jess: Yeah, it is.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Jess, I don't want to fight with you any more, okay? I said I was sorry.
Jess: We tell each other everything. We always have. I've never not told you something.
[flashback:]
Jess: That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin any more.
[flashback:]
Jess: Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?
[flashback:]
Jess: I had a dream that I killed you.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor.
Jess: Hi, Nick.
Nick: Oh, I get it. It's actually kind of a fantasy of mine. Can you say the following words out loud? "The ice roads are too dangerous! You're gonna have to turn back, Chief."
Jess: I'm not saying that.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You... You're sweating so much, it looks like rain, and you... You, you're peaking, man. You're at the prime of your life. That's actually... Cece, get rid of the motorcycle! And Jess, don't act like you haven't thought about us, too, when you're going solo. Okay? I don't work a 9:00-to-5:00. I'm here all day. I can hear you! Now, go away, because I'm... having cereal.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Why? Why, Cece?
Cece: Why am I sleeping with Schmidt?
Winston: Is it a pity thing? Is he sick? Are you working for the government? Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he? If he is holding you against your will, blink twice. Blink twice. Are you tired of being turned on? Hmm? You have a mole fetish? Is it huge? I'm sorry. [clears throat] Let me rephrase that. Is it huge?

Quote from Cece

Cece: All right, you want to go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house. I was down in St. Barths with a guy who might be an arms dealer. And my feet aren't whiter than yours. I just told you that to make you feel better. And when we were ten years old, I went to the movie My Girl with Jessica P before I saw it with you! And... I own a motorcycle.
Jess: Jessica P?! Jessica freaking P?
Cece: Oh, my God, are you crying under there now?!

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Let's apply it. I'm one of these young girls that's coming in here. I want to party. I'm in college. Let's do this.
Nick: I'm in.
Schmidt: Hey, what happened to your phone?
Nick: Jesus took it. A Jesus hawk on a speedboat. The environment. Bears, family, magic.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: All right, one more. Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life. He said you were going "full Poppins."
Schmidt: Okay, Winston, I can see anger in your eyes.
Winston: Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: One time.
Jess: What?!
Schmidt: I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.
Nick: Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.
Winston: Dreams do not count.
Jess: You've all thought about me while self-completing?
Schmidt: Yeah. Look, Jess, it's not that big a deal. Really, it's, it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Jess: We're going back to keeping secrets. When I walk through this door and into my room, this conversation never happened. [o.s.] Oh, my God!
Schmidt: So, what did the raccoon hands look like?
Winston: Oh, man, they were digging through the garbage.
Jess: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: They know, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sweatback? You told Sweatback? Come on, Winston. Jess.
Jess: God.
Schmidt: I am so sorry that you had to hear about this like this. But, I mean, can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidtty really did it this time. I mean, I'm having Indian every night.
Jess: [lunges at Schmidt] No, no!
Schmidt: Whoa, whoa!

Quote from Cece

Cece: Jess, I'm really sorry you found out this way, okay, but trust me, it wasn't some big conspiracy. It was just something that happened and then it got out of control, sort of like poison oak and I just couldn't stop scratching it.
Schmidt: Cece started it.
Cece: That's... I did, I started it.
Winston: Why, Cece? Are you trying to get back at your parents?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick, are you kid...? What, you keep the ringer on? Amateur move, man.
Nick: Yeah, I'm just in over my head. Schmidt, I hate asking you this, but how do you do this?
Schmidt: Oh, glory be, are you asking for my help? Oh, I-I'm flattered.
Winston: Pull up, pull up, Nick. Yank back on that yoke.
Nick: We have to face the reality of the situation. Schmidt has been having consensual sex with Cece and lying about it. He's better than us at this, Winston, and I hate it as much as you do, and, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might... I might respect you.
Schmidt: Thank you for saying that.
Nick: You've come a long way, man.
Schmidt: Since my 20s, I've had a string of lesser paramours which, like weathered stone steps, have led me to the Hindu temple, a.k.a. Cece, because she's Indian.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Oh, Jess, I hate when we fight. I get so stressed out. I mean, my eye twitches back. I'm eating bread, all right?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You're meeting a lot of young women, and for whatever reason, they seem to, you know, find you appealing. In the restaurant of life, you have selected the tasting menu.
Nick: Okay, I changed my mind. I don't want to do this any more.
Schmidt: Nick, you're terrible at lying, so what we want to do is, we want to focus on S.S.V.
Winston: I cannot believe you slept with Cece.
Schmidt: Short, simple...
Nick: Vagina.
Schmidt: Vague. It's actually... It's actually vague.

Quote from Cece

Cece: You tell me everything, all right? I stopped telling you everything because every time I did, you got so judgmental and critical.
Jess: What?!
[flashback:]
Cece: I had to give it a try, Jess. I mean, that was the same hand that was inside Elmo.
Jess: Cece.
[present:]
Jess: Okay, yeah, you got me.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Don't look at me!
Schmidt: Oh, Jess, would you please! A winter hat is not gonna make us stop thinking about you from time to time when we delight ourselves.
Jess: Oh, no!

Quote from Jess

Cece: Do you know how many things I haven't told you?
Jess: No, I don't, because, apparently, I don't know you at all. Are you running a 10K tomorrow? Who knows? Are you even against MS any more? Beats me!

Quote from Winston

Holly: Yeah. I'm leaving.
Lena: I'm out. Hey, can you give me a ride?
Winston: Get out.
Holly: I'm gonna stop and get a manicure. Do you want to...?
Lena: Okay. Yeah.
Winston: You told Harpo to beat me?
Nick: Bye, guys.
Winston: You want them over me? Over me?!

Quote from Cece

Jess: Cece? Cece, I can't... breathe. Cece, I know why you didn't tell me about Schmidt ... because you like him!
Cece: What?!
Jess: The shirt, Cece. You thought the shirt he made was funny. You obviously like him. It's the only explanation for thinking that's funny.
Cece: Oh, my God, I think you're right.
Jess: And you didn't want to tell me 'cause you knew that I would know. And you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.
Cece: Okay, can we just say that I didn't tell you because I'm a total bitch? 'Cause I'm way more comfortable with that. Oh, maybe I like Schmidt. You... You can't tell anyone.
Jess: Yeah. That's like a secret only I know.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know, Jess thinking that we're a cute couple is... I don't... It's kind of a turnoff. How do we explain to her that this is just... it's just sex?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: What is that? That is shoddy workmanship is what that is. I'm taking you off prep. Go clean the garbanzo beans.
Cece: I'm taking my knife.
Schmidt: Be careful with that knife. It's from Japan.


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