Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!

Jess: Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!
Cece: I totally forgot we were going to run today.
Jess: I e-mailed you, like, three times.
Cece: Maybe you typed "gmoil" again.

Jess: Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft, and that means that I have some secrets I want to get off my chest.
Schmidt: I'd rather not hear those.
Nick: Nobody wants to hear these.
Jess: Schmidt, a couple months ago I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
Schmidt: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.
Nick: Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.

Jess: Do not drink my almond milk when you spent the whole night drinking Schmidt.
Cece: Why are you dressed like a Mexican wrestler?
Jess: Because Cece, I don't want to live in a world with secrets. And that means that I now know my three roommates have all thought about me while self-completing. So, I'm gonna wear my winter clothes until I can deal with that fact. But it's better than not knowing.
Cece: Is it really better?
Jess: Yeah, it is.

Cece: Jess, I don't want to fight with you any more, okay? I said I was sorry.
Jess: We tell each other everything. We always have. I've never not told you something.
[flashback:]
Jess: That's what second base means? Then I'm not a virgin any more.
[flashback:]
Jess: Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?
[flashback:]
Jess: I had a dream that I killed you.

Nick: Hey, could you guys keep it down? I have a lady visitor.
Jess: Hi, Nick.
Nick: Oh, I get it. It's actually kind of a fantasy of mine. Can you say the following words out loud? "The ice roads are too dangerous! You're gonna have to turn back, Chief."
Jess: I'm not saying that.

Winston: You... You're sweating so much, it looks like rain, and you... You, you're peaking, man. You're at the prime of your life. That's actually... Cece, get rid of the motorcycle! And Jess, don't act like you haven't thought about us, too, when you're going solo. Okay? I don't work a 9:00-to-5:00. I'm here all day. I can hear you! Now, go away, because I'm... having cereal.

Winston: Why? Why, Cece?
Cece: Why am I sleeping with Schmidt?
Winston: Is it a pity thing? Is he sick? Are you working for the government? Damn it, he's holding you against your will, isn't he? If he is holding you against your will, blink twice. Blink twice. Are you tired of being turned on? Hmm? You have a mole fetish? Is it huge? I'm sorry. [clears throat] Let me rephrase that. Is it huge?

Cece: All right, you want to go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house. I was down in St. Barths with a guy who might be an arms dealer. And my feet aren't whiter than yours. I just told you that to make you feel better. And when we were ten years old, I went to the movie My Girl with Jessica P before I saw it with you! And... I own a motorcycle.
Jess: Jessica P?! Jessica freaking P?
Cece: Oh, my God, are you crying under there now?!