Robby: I know you're capable of messing up.
Jess: Really? Because you won't even admit that the gym thing is my fault. Your lawyer wants you to sue me, and frankly, I agree with her. So sue me.
Robby: I am not gonna sue you.
Jess: Then how can I ever trust you?
Robby: That doesn't make any sense.
Jess: You know what? If you're not gonna sue me, then get out of here.
Robby: Fine. But I will tell you this: you will not be hearing from my lawyer.

Cece: Okay, I'm sorry, the cubicle will be gone soon, but this is a real make-or-break moment for me. Either I'll look back at this as my "Steve Jobs in the garage" phase, or that misguided month where I tried to be a manager at the dining room table.
Schmidt: You are absolutely Jobs. And I'm Woz sitting next to you the whole time in a... slightly lower chair. And speaking of jobs, by the way, you guys need to be like Winston and start getting jobs for Donovan.
Nick: Don't you basically work on ads for a living, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Yeah, well, my current account is for a menopause pill that eliminates night sweats.
Reagan: Oh, you're repping EstroFuel?
Schmidt: Yes. Chest bump.

Nick: Would it help if I read some of it out loud? Just so you get the New Orleans flavor?
Reagan: I think it will.
Nick: [Cajun accent] "Julius Pepperwood loved three things in his life... his gumbo... his sex... and more of that sweet gumbo. [chuckles] Her legs were as long as the deep..." [Reagan snores] You have got to be kidding me!
Reagan: Just kidding.

Jess: So in honor of this occasion, we all got you gifts for your home office. You may know it by its former name, the dining room table.
Schmidt: Me first. A cubicle, swinging balls, an outgoing mailbox, a cartoon that is very derogatory towards Mondays.
Cece: So thoughtful, babe.
Reagan: Will that mailbox be functional?
Schmidt: If it wasn't, it would just be a box, wouldn't it?
Robby: So can I buy a stamp for this letter?
Schmidt: It's not a post office, man.

Robby: But wait a second, why do you want to pay?
Jess: I turned your knee into a bag of marbles. I should pay your medical bill.
Robby: This is my only bill, and it's just a baby bill. You know, it's so small and cute, like my nephew Baby Bill.
Jess: Give me that baby.
Robby: I feel bad, but okay.
Jess: Wait, how did you...
Robby: I studied pickpocketing when I played the Artful Dodger in my college production of Oliver!
Jess: Oh, wow, that's so cool. Oh, wait, so did I.
Robby: What...

Jess: Robby's hospital bill is only $400. That seem low to you?
Reagan: Did he have a minor procedure?
Jess: No, he had what the doctors call "a full Frankenstein." They put dog bones in his knee.
Reagan: Then that's way off. It's got to be much higher.
Jess: Do you think he thinks I can't afford the full amount? [all agreeing] What? Teachers have money. You guys know how large I live. I'm flush with cash. I'm paying that bill. I'm going to the bank right now. I'm probably gonna take a limousine.
Schmidt: Taking a limo to the bank. What is she, a cartoon cat?

Jess: Hey, um, I feel like Baby Bill here has a lot of brothers and sisters. So what's the real total?
Robby: No, Jess, that's it, I swear.
Jess: Come on, Robby, $400? I know what's going on here. You think I'm too poor to pay.
Robby: I...
Jess: But you know what? Would a poor person... do this? [dispenses cash] How much is it? How much?
Robby: Jess, I'm not gonna tell you, okay? Unless you ask me repeatedly, in which case I'll eventually crack. Damn it.
Jess: What's the total?
Robby: Uh.. no.
Jess: What's the total?
Robby: No.
Jess: What's the total?
Robby: Not gonna tell you.
Jess: What's the total? What's the total? What's the total? What's the total?
Robby: $200,000. [plays Seinfeld opening theme] Seinfeld.

Nick: So please don't feel any pressure to like it, even though I spent 7,000 hours writing it. So without further ado, or as Pepperwood would say, "Ah-don't." You'll get that when you read it. Here it is.

Donovan: I just want to let you know, I've thought about it, and I'm quitting modeling to focus on applying to police school.
Cece: Honey, that is a very radical career change, okay?
Donovan: That's why I like it. I can't be tied down.
Schmidt: Picture this: your mom has night sweats. She needs relief. Luckily, she has a handsome son to go pick up her supplements, because menopause isn't just about women anymore. EstroFuel: putting the men back in menopause. Starring Donovan.

Nick: Okay, does this rendering represent the incident in question?
Jess: There was way more blood.
Robby: Wait, come on, it was not this violent.
Jess: It was way worse. Grown men fainted.
Reagan: Jess, I found something. The hospital billed Robby for the Larry King Preemptive Memorial Post-Op Recovery Suite. That's obviously a mistake.
Robby: Uh, that's not a mistake, actually. I needed a private room because a lot of times in my dreams, I'm thinking about concerts that I really enjoy going to, so it's just a lot of me clapping and singing along.
Jess: I can't afford this.