Winston: And I am never taking this crystal off. Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce. Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical. I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out.

Coach: It's just the accent. That's the only thing you... You like the accent? I can do an accent. [Cockney accent:] I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh? [high-pitched Cockney accent] You like when I do the accent?
Ruth: Not at all.
Coach: My dad makes cheese.
Ruth: He just made me realize that I want guys who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff.
Coach: [normal voice] Yeah, well... But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin.

Winston: You got girl troubles, get a crystal. Look, I'm telling you, Coach, women have been checking me out all day.
[flashback:]
Bartender: From the gentleman across the bar.
Woman: This is my favorite drink. How did he...?
Winston: Something powerful told me it was.
[present:]
Winston: Now, they gave me this crystal to help me on the streets, but I'm starting to think it's gonna help me in the sheets.
Coach: Winston, look at me. And I have never been more serious about anything in my life.
Winston: Okay.
Coach: Stop rhyming.
Winston: All the timing?

Coach: I don't need a crystal, I just need to be more frickin' sensitive, so stop trying to give me your crystal! Okay. I'm not supposed to be yelling. That's what I'm... I need to be working... I need to work on that.
Winston: I'm telling you, man, this crystal gives you the courage to do the one thing that you're scared of the most.
Coach: To me, it's country music line dancing.
Winston: Well, that is terrifying. Don't do that.

Coach: So I've done some research.
Jess: Oh, ooh, how about a head's up, man? Have I seen those glasses before? I feel like I want to remember them.
Coach: I got these in seventh grade, and I love them. Stop asking questions. All right, check it. So nerd Coach went to the library, and some place that actually exists called the Hall of Documents.
Jess: The downtown branch?
Coach: Mm-hmm.
Jess: How's Kathleen's eye?
Coach: Oh, Kathleen's dead.
Jess: What?
Coach: Yeah. So, check it out, guys, this is all research. You two don't have to date in secret anymore at school. Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v. Platte County Unified School District. Precedence for days!

Nurse: Your friend keeps forgetting his ulcer medication.
Nick: Ulcer medication?
Schmidt: He's lying, please.
Nurse: Take him home, make sure he does nothing all day.
Schmidt: Look, I'm not doing nothing all day. Can't take days off wor... My firm is wooing red potatoes, and I want that account. Don't listen to that aggressive male nurse. Wearing the same shoes as an old Russian woman. It's not an ulcer, he's ly... [yawps]
Nurse: Yeah, that's your ulcer telling you to stop being a dick.

Nick: Here, take your bottoms off, put these sweatpants on.
Schmidt: You take your bottoms off, sir!
Nick: Why don't you take your slacks off, so I can put some sweatpants on? Now take your bottoms off.
Schmidt: I'm not gonna sit around here all day like an off-duty ice cream truck driver!
Kai: I confiscated three laptops, two tablets and an e-reader. Oh, and this satellite phone with a condom taped to it.
Schmidt: My earthquake kit?

Nick: What the hell? My word processor?
Schmidt: You can't Kathy Bates me forever! My work needs me. Gina needs me.
Nick: I'm sorry, but she's trying to kill you, and I'm trying everything in my power to stop her.
Schmidt: No, you're trying to turn me into you. Aren't you bored, Nick? I've been doing nothing for exactly one day, and I already feel pathetic. The Nick that I met in college would not be happy living like this. You've changed.
Nick: That's not true. I've always been lazy.
Schmidt: Physically, yes. But mentally, you used to be like a da Vinci in tie-dye.

Jess: But I want to assure you that this will not affect my judgment as vice principal. Let's hear those field trip proposals! Where are we gonna take those kids, guys?!
[later:]
Mrs. Raws: And you know what makes the water delicious? Taking the poop out. Hello, water treatment plant.
Jess: Okay, we're off
to a rocky start.
[later:]
Ruth: They've got frickin' mini-golf. They've got frickin' Skee-Ball. They've got frickin' bumper boats. They've got frickin' go-carts.
Jess: Is this you topless in the brochure?
Ruth: It is, thank you.

Schmidt: Ready? Black.
Nick: Robot. Black robot. Ooh, that's even better, son.
Schmidt: Boom.
Nick: Way to push for number two.
Schmidt: Let's... let's... Exactly...
Nick: Black robot. The blackest robot in town. That robot's so black, it's the blackest.
Schmidt: I feel like marketing's gonna be a nightmare on that one.
Nick: Okay. I'm not good at marketing. I'm good at ideas.
Schmidt: Let's stay away from robots.