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‘Coming Out’ Quotes

New Girl: Coming Out

413. Coming Out

Aired January 13, 2015

After Jess reveals her relationship with Ryan at school, her colleagues accuse her of favoritism over a field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt's dedication to work harms his health, and Winston embraces a crystal his new co-workers forced him to wear.

Quote from Winston

Winston: And I am never taking this crystal off. Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce. Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical. I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: It's just the accent. That's the only thing you... You like the accent? I can do an accent. [Cockney accent:] I can do an accent. You like when I do this accent, eh? [high-pitched Cockney accent] You like when I do the accent?
Ruth: Not at all.
Coach: My dad makes cheese.
Ruth: He just made me realize that I want guys who have, like, frickin' feelings and stuff.
Coach: [normal voice] Yeah, well... But the boy looks like he was raised in a muffin.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You got girl troubles, get a crystal. Look, I'm telling you, Coach, women have been checking me out all day.
[flashback:]
Bartender: From the gentleman across the bar.
Woman: This is my favorite drink. How did he...?
Winston: Something powerful told me it was.
[present:]
Winston: Now, they gave me this crystal to help me on the streets, but I'm starting to think it's gonna help me in the sheets.
Coach: Winston, look at me. And I have never been more serious about anything in my life.
Winston: Okay.
Coach: Stop rhyming.
Winston: All the timing?

Quote from Coach

Coach: I don't need a crystal, I just need to be more frickin' sensitive, so stop trying to give me your crystal! Okay. I'm not supposed to be yelling. That's what I'm... I need to be working... I need to work on that.
Winston: I'm telling you, man, this crystal gives you the courage to do the one thing that you're scared of the most.
Coach: To me, it's country music line dancing.
Winston: Well, that is terrifying. Don't do that.

Quote from Coach

Coach: So I've done some research.
Jess: Oh, ooh, how about a head's up, man? Have I seen those glasses before? I feel like I want to remember them.
Coach: I got these in seventh grade, and I love them. Stop asking questions. All right, check it. So nerd Coach went to the library, and some place that actually exists called the Hall of Documents.
Jess: The downtown branch?
Coach: Mm-hmm.
Jess: How's Kathleen's eye?
Coach: Oh, Kathleen's dead.
Jess: What?
Coach: Yeah. So, check it out, guys, this is all research. You two don't have to date in secret anymore at school. Yeah, it's all here in the Lipinski v. Platte County Unified School District. Precedence for days!

Quote from Schmidt

Nurse: Your friend keeps forgetting his ulcer medication.
Nick: Ulcer medication?
Schmidt: He's lying, please.
Nurse: Take him home, make sure he does nothing all day.
Schmidt: Look, I'm not doing nothing all day. Can't take days off wor... My firm is wooing red potatoes, and I want that account. Don't listen to that aggressive male nurse. Wearing the same shoes as an old Russian woman. It's not an ulcer, he's ly... [yawps]
Nurse: Yeah, that's your ulcer telling you to stop being a dick.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Here, take your bottoms off, put these sweatpants on.
Schmidt: You take your bottoms off, sir!
Nick: Why don't you take your slacks off, so I can put some sweatpants on? Now take your bottoms off.
Schmidt: I'm not gonna sit around here all day like an off-duty ice cream truck driver!
Kai: I confiscated three laptops, two tablets and an e-reader. Oh, and this satellite phone with a condom taped to it.
Schmidt: My earthquake kit?

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: What the hell? My word processor?
Schmidt: You can't Kathy Bates me forever! My work needs me. Gina needs me.
Nick: I'm sorry, but she's trying to kill you, and I'm trying everything in my power to stop her.
Schmidt: No, you're trying to turn me into you. Aren't you bored, Nick? I've been doing nothing for exactly one day, and I already feel pathetic. The Nick that I met in college would not be happy living like this. You've changed.
Nick: That's not true. I've always been lazy.
Schmidt: Physically, yes. But mentally, you used to be like a da Vinci in tie-dye.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What in the hell is around your neck?
Winston: This? It's a crystal charm, man. Yeah, the guys at work gave it to me.
Schmidt: Why?
Winston: Technically, it's "hazing," but, uh, I secretly love it.
Schmidt: That is the kind of crystal that should only rest between a set of old bosoms. [yawps]
Winston: Did that sound just come from your body?
Schmidt: [yawps]

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey!
Winston: Ha! Whoa, how long you two been here?
Nick: When was the last time you asked me that?
Winston: Last Thursday.
Nick: So, at least Thursday.
Schmidt: What kind of lazy... [yawps] holes... Don't you know what [yawps]-ing day it is? For crying out l... [yawps]
Kai: Glen, you should see a doctor.
Schmidt: My name is Schmidt. I can't afford to miss work.
Winston: I'm sorry, Glen, but I'm with Kai on this one.
Kai: Thanks, Wilfred.
Winston: You ain't good with names.
Nick: Oh, honey, you're all turned around.

Quote from Coach

Ryan: Wow. Wow, you did this for us.
Coach: No.
[flashback to Ryan bending over in the teachers' lounge:]
Ruth: I just want to pat it. I just want to, like, frickin' pat it.
Deb: I want to nurse it. Yeah, I want to provide it with milk.
Ruth: Huh.
Coach: I used to be the hot teacher.
Biology Teacher: Now you know how I felt when you turned up. A miserable path awaits you.
[present:]
Jess: So you want us to come out, so that you can go back to hooking up with all the hot teachers?
Coach: Very much so. But I'm thinking about you guys, too. I mean, wouldn't it be better if you didn't have to hide your relationship?

Quote from Coach

Jess: You know what? I think we should do this. I... we should do this, let's stop hiding.
Coach: Yeah.
Ryan: But, Jess, will this make things tricky for your work and will it in turn make you distracted and preoccupied during our splishy-splashy?
Jess: Ugh. No, no, of course not. I won't let it.
Ryan: Then let's do this.
Jess: Yeah, let's.
Coach: Yes! We are coming out!
Ryan: Cracking. I'm chuffed.
Coach: Dude, I do not get you.

Quote from Jess

Dr. Foster: I trust you, Miss Day. Mostly because I do not want to read this.
Jess: That's great! Yay.
Dr. Foster: [laughs] Well, I'm the easy one, dawg. Seriously, it's the teachers you need to worry about. Especially you. You tend to care what people think about you.
Jess: [chuckles] That's like saying a penguin "tends" to be cute. It's all it does, bro.
Dr. Foster: [chuckles] So, good luck when the teachers present their field trip proposals. If they catch a whiff of favoritism, they are going to tear you apart like... like a beautiful baguette, you know what I mean? When you-you're having dinner, and you just suddenly say, "Hey, forget the bread knife. Let's just rip into this with our bare hands." Ah, I love that.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, what'd they say? What do you got? You can tell me, I can take it. I-I don't know if I can take it if... If you died, I'd be lost. J-Just tell me, I'll be there for you, I'm big and strong.
Kai: Is it cancer?
Schmidt: What's your problem?
Nick: Oh, Schmidty, you have cancer? I can't watch you go through cancer, buddy, you're not strong enough.
Schmidt: What is wrong with you?!

Quote from Coach

Jess: Before we begin our presentations, in the spirit of full disclosure and transparency, I have something to tell you. Mr. Geauxinue and I are dating.
Deb: No, n-n-n-no. [Ruth laughs] No, I just felt someone pass over my grave.
Ruth: Right.
Mrs. Raws: I don't see a ring.
Ruth: This is a total joke. Oh, you're joking. There's none scenarios that this is possible.
Coach: Ladies, I know you're upset, but you know what I do when I'm upset? I hook up with me.

Quote from Jess

Jess: But I want to assure you that this will not affect my judgment as vice principal. Let's hear those field trip proposals! Where are we gonna take those kids, guys?!
[later:]
Mrs. Raws: And you know what makes the water delicious? Taking the poop out. Hello, water treatment plant.
Jess: Okay, we're off
to a rocky start.
[later:]
Ruth: They've got frickin' mini-golf. They've got frickin' Skee-Ball. They've got frickin' bumper boats. They've got frickin' go-carts.
Jess: Is this you topless in the brochure?
Ruth: It is, thank you.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Take a trip to historical Coach-town. Lunch will be provided.
Mrs. Raws: I don't eat yesterday's bread.
Coach: Yes, you do.
Jess: Is there a field trip in here somewhere?

Quote from Jess

Biology Teacher: I want to take the children on an interactive nature "experience." Very hands-on. With, uh, "foll-ahge..." "foil-iag-ee..."
Jess: Not bad. Um, I'd be a lot more into it if you could pronounce "foliage."
Biology Teacher: I messed it up! I can't do anything!

Quote from Jess

Ryan: So I've arranged for our students to speak to astronauts at the space station, uh, via Russian translator. And, as an added surprise, actually get to operate the Mars rover. You see, this is "Mission to Mars: Field Trip to Another World."
Jess: Okay, then. Well, you all had great presentations, but I'm sure no one can accuse me of favoritism when I choose Mr. G's proposal, which was so, so, so clearly the best one. [Mrs. Raws boos]
Ruth: What does space have? You can't even walk on the ground. You obviously picked it because he's your frickin' boyfriend.
Jess: Well...
Biology Teacher: I see how it is. My butt isn't cute enough. Should I call my ma and blame her for passing
on her wide flat ass? [imitates dialing phone] Hello, Ma? I'm not calling about that. Just listen. I said, just listen. It's about my butt. Should I continue?
Jess: I'm gonna say no.
Ruth: You won't frickin' get away with this.
Mrs. Raws: Eat glass and die, you tramp!
Jess: Mrs. Raws!

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Hey, uh, you're not going to work.
Schmidt: What are you talking...?
Nick: You're not going to work.
Schmidt: Yes, I'm going to work!
Nick: Sit down! Sit down!
Schmidt: Of course I'm going to work. Gina needs me. Besides, I like my stomach like I like my suits-- no lining.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: I... I am letting go.
Nick: You're like a clenched fist, my man. Open up. You're in a 1920s boxing stance.
Schmidt: This is a waste of time!
Nick: You're not going to work!
Kai: I have a hyperactive nephew! We have to swaddle him!
Schmidt: Swaddle nothing! What? What are you doing?!
Nick: Swaddle him! Get him!
Schmidt: Got to get to work!
Nick: Shh. Shh. Shh. You relaxed?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Okay, ready? You're gonna lay down.
Schmidt: All right, just for a minute.
Nick: [sings] Good night, Schmidty. [whispers to Kai:] Now do me.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Oh. Hey. I've been holding office hours all year, and this is the first time anyone's taken me up on it.
Deb: Ryan took you up on it, didn't he? [teachers gasp, laugh]
Jess: This is gonna be fine and, um, I'm going to address all of your problems one by one.
[later:]
Tough PE Teacher: It just ain't right.
Jess: Okay. "Ain't... right." Anything else?
Tough PE Teacher: It's not okay. "Not... okay."
Jess: What else?
Tough PE Teacher: I'm not all right with it.

Quote from Jess

Mrs. Raws: It's unscrupulous, Ms. Day. If you two are coming out, we are, too. Meet my boyfriend. [drinks whiskey]

Quote from Jess

Biology Teacher: So you like... teachers? I'd do whatever it takes to get my foliage trip off the ground. And now I know how things work around here. [unbuttons] You're not even my type, just so you know. Ba-da-da...
Jess: Don't do that.
Biology Teacher: I'd be way more into this if you had, like, a classic Latin build.
Jess: Okay, stop. Stop!
Biology Teacher: 'Cause I'm a ginger?
Jess: Just get out.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Well, you changed, too. You used to live by your own rules. You were like a fat, Jewish Dennis Rodman. But look at you now. You're like the back of a horse in a two-person horse costume with Gina just farting in your face all day long.
Schmidt: That actually happened.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Schmidt, tell me, what do you get for all your hard work?
Schmidt: The sponge account.
Nick: Oh, great!
Schmidt: God willing, it'll get me red potatoes, too. Sexiest starch since jasmine rice.
Nick: Great. I hope your work keeps making you walk around with your guts in a rusty old wagon.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Oh, hey, Nick. You're up early. Before noon. Oh, wait, is this Sleepwalk Nick? Man, I love Sleepwalk Nick. He always pays back the money that Awake Nick borrows from me.
Nick: Of course I'm up! I'm doing stuff. I do stuff. I clean. [off Winston's look] I'm cooking right now. I'm cooking breakfast. Sun's up, Miller's up. People say that.

Quote from Coach

Winston: Huh. Oh, hey, Coach. You're dressed like Ryan.
Coach: What? [Winston laughs] No, you see, I-I... I've had these clothes for forever, I just don't wear them when you're around.
Winston: You are dressed like Ryan!
Coach: Are you around me all the time? No.
Winston: Dressing up like someone else isn't going to work. Unlike this crystal.
Coach: Shut up.

Quote from Coach

Jess: See? I made the right decision. Kids need to be in nature. Emily Kopnik saw a butterfly and she said,
"Oh, my God, country lice can fly."
Coach: Oh, cool. Well, I'm sensitive and I care about things like that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You're not just having the kids, uh, rake the leaves and put them in a bag, are you?
Biology Teacher: What now?
Jess: I mean, uh, what else do you have planned?
Biology Teacher: Oh, don't worry about it. I'm a biology professional.

Quote from Schmidt

Gina: So, how's that phantom ulcer treating you?
Schmidt: I sent you those Q4 reports... Horrible burning!
Gina: Well, I'm glad you're back. See? Look how glad I am.
Schmidt: Gina, let me run point on red potatoes. I've got three pitches already ready to rock. Here's a taste. That's the first one. That's the first pitch. "Here's a taste." It's just a picture of a red potato, and the tagline is: "Here's a... here's a taste."
Gina: There's that New York sense of humor again, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Come on, Gina. Give me a shot at red potatoes.
Gina: No way, 'cause I need you. You're the best sort of mid-level employee I've ever had. You are the ass to my horse. And I'm gonna keep you right here, right by my side, where I can find you. Forever.
Schmidt: Forever?
Gina: Yeah, speaking of, might need you to suit up for my son's birthday this Saturday, so... [takes pills] What are these? Doesn't matter. Keep your phone on, okay?

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know, sometimes I think about life, and it just makes me want to cry. Respond to my sharing, please.
Ruth: You're putting on a real creepy, murdery vibe today. Just FYI.
Coach: I'm not trying to do that. I was...
Ruth: Just, like, going forward in your day, you should know that.
Coach: Just trying to be, like, feeling...

Quote from Jess

Jess: What's going on?
Ruth: I think they might just be doing frickin' yard work.
Kids: [sing] I don't know What I been told I don't know what I been told...
Coach: Whoa.
Kids: [sing] Foster's butt is mighty old Foster's butt is mighty old...
Jess: Oh, we are violating every child labor law.
Ruth: They're really good singers.
Biology Teacher: [o.s.] Keep up the rhythm. Mama won't be happy till you clear the back forty.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Biology teacher? Is this your house? Did you bring the kids here to work?
Biology Teacher: First of all, my name is Lorenzo. Secondly, yes. But you're the one who picked my trip, so it's your fault.
Boy: Can I have some water?
Jess: Okay, guys, stop working.
Biology Teacher: Don't listen to her. Keep working.
Jess: You don't have to work. I'm the vice principal.
Biology Teacher: Not technically at school, so keep working.
Jess: Stop working!

Quote from Coach

Coach: Ah, screw it. Here comes me. I sting, too, bees.

Quote from Coach

Cece: Seems like it was a great field trip. So sorry I missed it.
Coach: I feel like a bunch of tiny people are holding tiny little lighters to my face. [groans loudly]

Quote from Jess

Jess: Today was a complete and total disaster, from start to finish. I've never failed so hardat my job ever in my life. Everyone's so mad at me, but I was just trying to make them happy.
Cece: Jess, you can't make everyone happy.
Coach: You don't need them to like you. You just need them to listen to you. You're the boss.
Cece: Yeah. I mean, if you were a man dating someone at work, do you think that you would be worried about what everyone else was thinking?
Coach: You'd be, like, in the conference room, like, "Meeting adjourned. Except for you, Sheila."
Jess: But that's not me. I care what people think. I always have.
Cece: Then your only option is to go in and be yourself. Just got to own it.
Jess: I think I'm a little scared.
Winston: Well, that's very interesting. You see...
Jess: Have you been here this whole time?
Winston: The entire time. That is why God... made crystals.
Coach: Why did he make that shirt?

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? You were right, Nick. I am a corporate monkey. I don't want to be an old man looking back on a meager life of... selling red potatoes for the man.
Nick: I don't want to be a lazy bum my whole life. I want to be the kind of bum that other bums look at and say, "What's that bum smiling about?"

Quote from Nick

Both: Let's work together again!
Schmidt: Yes! I knew it! That was awesome!
Nick: That was it, man. That was it.
Schmidt: Back in business.
Nick: [laughs] Yeah! Let's start jamming ideas.
Schmidt: Turkey.
Nick: Robot. Turkey robot. Just got it in one. All right, let's draw up a...
Schmidt: I don't think we did.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Ready? Black.
Nick: Robot. Black robot. Ooh, that's even better, son.
Schmidt: Boom.
Nick: Way to push for number two.
Schmidt: Let's... let's... Exactly...
Nick: Black robot. The blackest robot in town. That robot's so black, it's the blackest.
Schmidt: I feel like marketing's gonna be a nightmare on that one.
Nick: Okay. I'm not good at marketing. I'm good at ideas.
Schmidt: Let's stay away from robots.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Robot robot.
Schmidt: I said let's stay away from robots though, and you just said ro...
Nick: Okay. Black turkey!
Schmidt: Look, let's maybe pick it up later.
Nick: Computers for babies.
Schmidt: We are back!
Nick: Hair that looks like a helmet. Or vice versa-- helmet that looks like a hair is actually pretty smart. Oh, I'm really hot right now. A water bottle with the top cut off.
Schmidt: [o.s.] That's a cup!
Nick: That is just a cup. Scratch it.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Ladies. [gasps]
Ruth: Ooh... you got bee'd up, dude.
Deb: Yeah. You look like a monster.
Ruth: Yeah.
Deb: I'm not even joking. You look so ugly right now.
Ruth: So ugly.
Coach: Look, I'm not some little sensitive British guy, okay? I am Coach. But right now, I am in so much pain that I am losing my mind. And I might never recover. So say hello to the new me, who's basically a street lunatic with a face made of fire!
Deb: They sting you in your pants?
Coach: Yeah, they... they stung my doodad.
Ruth: I'm gonna get you some lotion.
Coach: Ow.
Both: Ooh!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Everyone, um, before we begin this meeting, I just want to say that... yes, Ryan is my boyfriend. And yes, I let it affect my job because I care what you think of me, and I always have. But here's what you should know: I love my job, and I love this man right here. I've been waiting for a moment to tell you that, and I guess... this is it.
Ryan: This is perfect. And, um, just for the record, I love you, too. This speech is wonderful, so please keep going.
Jess: Oh, yeah. Um, and you can come to me with any problems or anything you want to ask me, but I'm gonna make some decisions that you don't like, and you're just gonna have to deal with it. So, uh, let's get back to work, okay? [exits]
Deb: So is that the end of the meeting, then?
Jess: Yep. Uh... yeah, I got a little carried away with the moment there.


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