Nick: Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. We are talking about a Truman Show situation.
Winston: Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about?
Nick: Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, and then he goes crazy.
Winston: Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie.
Jess: No, it's the whole movie.
Winston: Oh, yeah, I know, I was just 'cause there's the one... There's like a scene.
Jess: You haven't seen it.
Nick: He didn't see the movie.

Nick: I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, and I need my proper inspiration. [to Winston] Thank you.
Jess: Why do you have a picture of a bear?
Nick: The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up.
Jess: I sleep with this person.
Nick: Speak to me, Keaton. [drinks] Mmm. Here we go. [electronic whoosh]
Jess: Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"?
Nick: Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler.

Jess: So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay?
Cece: Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: No. Batmobile.
Jess: That's what I said Batman Mobile.
Cece: You're putting the man. There's no man. It's just Bat-
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Mobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile. Drop the man.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile.
Jess: Batmo-mobile.

Nick: When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... [v.o.] And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. He didn't take it well. He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star of his favorite movie, Batman. But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, his life changed forever. But the real trouble was just beginning. You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, public erections. And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back.
Jess: Was Winston's version shorter?
Nick: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, a man named me. It was me.
Jess: Yeah, I got that.
Nick: Really? People don't
Jess: No, I got it.
Nick: College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. And again... It worked. With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey and became a man. He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 25 times.

Nick: Schmidt is rereading e-mails. Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show.
Winston: Truman Show, man, I love that movie.
Nick: I'm not convinced you've ever seen it.
Winston: I have; it's about the Civil War.

Nick: What's your endgame here?
Jess: It's Halloween night. This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume and be anybody that they want.
Nick: Would you listen to your woman voice for one second?
Jess: Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? No, I have a character.
Nick: You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it.
Jess: I'm the Batman. [Nick laughs] Right? So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn?
Nick: Jess, you're also 5'4''. Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. I would say run a little bit.

Schmidt: Nick. By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity?
Nick: This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... Look that way.
Schmidt: What? Oh, my God.
Nick: Yeah, it's unbelievable.
Schmidt: Well, it's my hero.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: That is Michael Keaton.
Nick: Right there.
Schmidt: Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago?
Nick: If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him.
Jess: I'm the Batman.

Nick: Jess, please stop. Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. It has to be over. Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. I'm the owner of the e-mail address [email protected]
Schmidt: What?
Nick: It was me... The whole time.
Schmidt: No. No, you can't-
Nick: How do you think I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? Or about the wall hole?
Schmidt: This is impossible! I've been I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid!
Nick: Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. But since college, it's been me.
Schmidt: My mom? You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!
Jess: He didn't want you to find out this way.

Schmidt: Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone.
Nick: You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy?
Schmidt: No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel-
Nick: Don't do this.
Schmidt: I'm moving out.
Nick: You're the worst.

Jess: Who wants candy?
Nick: Did you go trick-or-treating?
Jess: No. I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. Is that trick-or-treating?
Nick: Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess.