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‘Keaton’ Quotes

New Girl: Keaton

306. Keaton

Aired October 22, 2013

With Schmidt in a funk following his break-ups with Cece and Elizabeth, Winston thinks it's time he heard from an old friend... Michael Keaton.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. We are talking about a Truman Show situation.
Winston: Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about?
Nick: Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, and then he goes crazy.
Winston: Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie.
Jess: No, it's the whole movie.
Winston: Oh, yeah, I know, I was just 'cause there's the one... There's like a scene.
Jess: You haven't seen it.
Nick: He didn't see the movie.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, and I need my proper inspiration. [to Winston] Thank you.
Jess: Why do you have a picture of a bear?
Nick: The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up.
Jess: I sleep with this person.
Nick: Speak to me, Keaton. [drinks] Mmm. Here we go. [electronic whoosh]
Jess: Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"?
Nick: Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay?
Cece: Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: No. Batmobile.
Jess: That's what I said Batman Mobile.
Cece: You're putting the man. There's no man. It's just Bat-
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Mobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile. Drop the man.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile.
Jess: Batmo-mobile.

Quote from Nick

Nick: When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... [v.o.] And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. He didn't take it well. He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star of his favorite movie, Batman. But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, his life changed forever. But the real trouble was just beginning. You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, public erections. And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back.
Jess: Was Winston's version shorter?
Nick: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, a man named me. It was me.
Jess: Yeah, I got that.
Nick: Really? People don't
Jess: No, I got it.
Nick: College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. And again... It worked. With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey and became a man. He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 25 times.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Schmidt is rereading e-mails. Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show.
Winston: Truman Show, man, I love that movie.
Nick: I'm not convinced you've ever seen it.
Winston: I have; it's about the Civil War.

Quote from Jess

Nick: What's your endgame here?
Jess: It's Halloween night. This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume and be anybody that they want.
Nick: Would you listen to your woman voice for one second?
Jess: Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? No, I have a character.
Nick: You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it.
Jess: I'm the Batman. [Nick laughs] Right? So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn?
Nick: Jess, you're also 5'4''. Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. I would say run a little bit.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Nick. By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity?
Nick: This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... Look that way.
Schmidt: What? Oh, my God.
Nick: Yeah, it's unbelievable.
Schmidt: Well, it's my hero.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: That is Michael Keaton.
Nick: Right there.
Schmidt: Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago?
Nick: If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him.
Jess: I'm the Batman.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, please stop. Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. It has to be over. Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. I'm the owner of the e-mail address [email protected]
Schmidt: What?
Nick: It was me... The whole time.
Schmidt: No. No, you can't-
Nick: How do you think I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? Or about the wall hole?
Schmidt: This is impossible! I've been I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid!
Nick: Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. But since college, it's been me.
Schmidt: My mom? You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!
Jess: He didn't want you to find out this way.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone.
Nick: You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy?
Schmidt: No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel-
Nick: Don't do this.
Schmidt: I'm moving out.
Nick: You're the worst.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Who wants candy?
Nick: Did you go trick-or-treating?
Jess: No. I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. Is that trick-or-treating?
Nick: Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, come on, Obama. Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. Babies are born, old people die. And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and one day, it stops. And then what? You want you want to talk about health care? [squeezes bottle into his mouth]
Nick: That's mayo, buddy.
Nick: [to Jess] Yeah, I don't got this.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Who is he?
Winston: Michael Keaton.
Nick: You stupid!
Jess: Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman?
Winston: Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I?
Nick: I'm not telling her.
Winston: Fine. I'll do it.
Nick: You will?
Winston: When Schmidt was seven years old...
Nick: [scoffs] You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Oh, my God. You've been cat fishing Schmidt. Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing to turn Schmidt around?
Nick: Absolutely.
Jess: Great!
Nick: But I won't do it.
Winston: Why not?
Nick: Because I put it to bed, okay? It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. The letters are too powerful. I'm lying to my best friend. And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love.
Jess: Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick?
Nick: Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. But I won't do it. Sorry.
Winston: You think you tell that story better than me? Look, you leave out way too many details, man. You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar.
Nick: [o.s.] That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, and I won't be coming to your party tonight. I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize that I should give Cece her space.
Nick: An old friend, huh?
Schmidt: Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around because I don't like people treating me any differently, but It's Michael Keaton.
Jess: What?! [laughs]
Schmidt: Uh, okay. Calm down.
Jess: The actor?! [laughs]
Schmidt: Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, me and Michael, so just enjoy the night.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay, guys, he almost found out once. Now, luckily, I handled it.
[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: I don't understand. In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. It doesn't make any sense.
Younger Nick: [knocks Schmidt out with a book] Aah!
[present:]
Nick: [to Jess] You have no idea what you've done.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? Should I send him an e-card? Does that change anything, or does that change everything?
Jess: I think you're overthinking it.
Schmidt: You know what? You're right. You're right.
Jess: Be cool.
Schmidt: I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. Got to bring it down here to here. Not any lower, though. It's not like that.
Nick: I know it's not.
Schmidt: Bro, it's not like that.
Nick: No one thinks it is, bro.
Schmidt: Cool.

Quote from Winston

Nick: I didn't want to have to do this. [puts on Batman mask]
Jess: Oh, is that really necessary, Nick?
Winston: Shh.
Jess: What?
Winston: Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin.
Nick: You're not like my Robin.
Jess: You want to be Robin?
Winston: He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some of the glory.
Jess: Robin's a joke.
Nick: Robin's the joke.
Jess: I think we can all agree.
Winston: The kids look up to him, you know, in the community.

Quote from Winston

Winston: And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, David Letterman!
Nick: That is a terrible Letterman.
Winston: Really? People at work tell me I look just like Dave.
[flashback to Winston standing in front of a colleague who looks like David Letterman:]
Man: You look just like Letterman.
Winston: You know, I have always thought that.
[The Letterman look alike throws a pencil towards the man]
[present:]
Winston: What, uh, what uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh? You're a- [goofy chuckle]
Nick: What is that?
Winston: That's, that's his laugh.
Nick: He's never done that.
Winston: That's his laugh.

Quote from Jess

Nick: It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here.
Schmidt: I have to meet him, Nick. I have to.
Nick: No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no.
Jess: You're a great kid, Sch You're a great kid, Schmidt.
Nick: No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 'cause you met your hero.
Jess: Go to an all-night diner.
Schmidt: No, I have to meet... Got to meet him.
Jess: He's got to-
Schmidt: It's Michael Keaton!
Jess: Go get a blintz or two!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Michael! It's me Schmidt.
Nick: See you later, Michael! Take off!
Schmidt: We have so much to talk about.
Nick: Our heroes are never who we want them to be! Oh. Oh. You met him. It's Keaton.
Schmidt: Come on, you guys. I know. I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid?
Nick: No. It just I... Just don't really know what to say in this situation.
Jess: Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault.
Schmidt: You should be ashamed of yourselves. How dare you hack into the private e-mail account of one of our nation's finest actors! I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth?
Nick: Yeah, Schmidt.
Schmidt: And it was you, not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants?
Nick: Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. They're unbelievably comfortable.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked?
Nick: Honestly, I can't explain that one. It was just the weirdest day of my whole life.
Schmidt: My friend Michael.
Nick: Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? But honestly, I was just trying to help. You don't need Keaton. You got me.
Schmidt: [shudders] What was that?
Nick: I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: What- Why would you say something like that?
Nick: Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years.
Schmidt: The end of a high school football movie?
Nick: I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. Are we good?
Schmidt: Yeah. We're good.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Stop with the show!
Jess: You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase.
Schmidt: [stops in front of the elevator] Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? Or where. [goes to 4C]
Jess: Wait. You're just moving in across the hall?
Nick: Guy's an idiot.
Jess: See you tomorrow, Schmidt
Schmidt: I can't hear you 'cause I'm gone.
Nick: Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. [Schmidt closes the door] Oh, you are kidding me.
Jess: I can see your feet!
Nick: Me, too.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Shut up.


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