Robby: Hi, uh, I'm looking for a girl named Jess! She wears glasses. Kind of like this? I know that's not a lot to go on, but the glasses are, like, her-her whole thing really.

Jess: Is that a gold record on your wall?
Robby: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I-I played bass on a Santana album.
Jess: Who are you?

Schmidt: What do you think about this? We get a three-person canoe, okay? Then we got to her house and we rap on the door. She answers the door, she sees the three-person canoe. She realizes there's only two of us, and we say, "Ah, what a conundrum. Please join us."
Robby: How about this one? We get some night-vision goggles. All right, that's all I got. I don't... I don't know what else.
Schmidt: I mean, I would say Trojan horse, but...
Robby: In this economy?
Schmidt: I mean, we could always go on a hunger strike.
Robby: We enlist in the Navy, we quickly rise through the ranks, and then we can take her to the Naval Officer's Ball.
Schmidt: Feel like we're right there!

Winston: What you taking? Little boy blues? Yeah, I've been there. How many miggies you working with? Yeah, my pharmacist bumped me up to nine.
Robby: 1,400. Yeah. I have to take 18 pills an hour in a very specific order, and they virtually assured me that I will be addicted to them.

Cece: What are you two doing here?
Schmidt: Whoa, hey.
Robby: Cece?
Schmidt: Just nothing, we're just...
Robby: Yeah, you know. [to Schmidt] Do you think that she saw me?
Schmidt: What? Of course she saw you. Do you think she saw me?
Robby: Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on.

Schmidt: I feel like Cece's making a big mistake with this Indian guy. She should be with somebody like us.
Robby: Totally. White Guy Power. [off Schmidt's look] Okay, um... Cool Guy Power.
Schmidt: Now you're talking, Robby.

Robby: What are we gonna do?
Schmidt: I don't know. I mean, one billion Indian men is a daunting foe. Suddenly I feel sympathy for Pakistan. But it's like they say, "How do you eat an elephant, Robby?"
Robby: With chopsticks.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Slowly, with chopsticks.
Schmidt: That's ... no ... with chopsticks?!
Robby: In a taco.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Elephant tacos.
Schmidt: Elephant tacos? Who eats elephant tacos? That's not even a saying.
Robby: Oh.
Schmidt: One bite at a time, Robby.
Robby: One bite at a time.
Schmidt: Yes. One bite at a time.

Jess: Actually, I'm gonna go with my group. We rented a van. It has a built-in microwave. We're all really stoked about it.
Schmidt: You're not making me feel any better about this group of strangers.
Jess: Well, it's not all strangers.
Robby: [enters] Some of them are friends! [laughing]
Cece: Robby?
Schmidt: My Robby?
Robby: Yeah. I got here way too early, so I've just been standing outside, kind of waiting for my opportunity to enter. How'd I do?

Jess: You work in a factory?
Robby: Well, no, actually, um, I design them.
Jess: Oh, well, that's not fascinating at all. [chuckles] That's fresh from the sarcasm factory, 'cause it is fascinating. Thought you would've mentioned that before.
Robby: You guys ask me surprisingly little about my personal life.

Jess: You weren't actually in Santana. You just met the band when you were delivering pizza to the studio?
Robby: Carlos found out that I played bass somehow, and then he asked me to sit in.
Jess: Huh.
Robby: Thus began the brief career I had as a studio session musician when I was a junior in high school.
Jess: I managed the girls JV wrestling team.
Robby: That's really cool, too.
Jess: It was cool.
Robby: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Anyway, tell me literally everything that's ever happened to you.
Robby: You should just watch the PBS special.
Jess: What?!
Robby: I saved a guy's life.
Jess: What? Whose life?
Robby: Do you know who Elon Musk is?