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‘Fancyman, Part 1’ Quotes

New Girl: Fancyman, Part 1

117. Fancyman, Part 1

Aired March 20, 2012

Jess is told to apologize to Russell (guest star Dermot Mulroney), a rich parent at the school who doesn't see the value in Jess's creative teaching style. Meanwhile, Winston tries to compete with Schmidt at a trivia night.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Yeah, Nick, he might pull the funding from the school, so I'm just a little bit...
Schmidt: Blame your period. I've actually done this before. I mean, both parties knew that I was lying, obviously, but it didn't matter because they knew that I had utterly humiliated myself, and at the end of the day, they respected that.

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Quote from Nick

Jess: But you've always wanted a thing. This could be your thing, like, the guy with no phone.
Nick: Well, who is that guy? I don't want to be that guy.
Jess: No, no, no, it's like mysterious. It's like, "I want to call Nick Miller." "You can't. He doesn't have a phone." "What?!" You can go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.
Nick: See, that's cool. I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person.

Quote from Schmidt

Shelby: Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia. We were in the Greek mythology zone. I mean, you knew every question.
Schmidt: Perseus, Icarus, Medusa... Medeuce, deuce!
Winston: Guys, you're shouting.
Shelby: I mean, you knew every answer. Like, what was the tiebreaker you got? Calvin Coolidge's birthplace?
Schmidt: Little Plymouth Notch, son.
Winston: Wow, I'm done with this. Hey, Shelby...
Shelby: I mean, seriously, how did you know that?
Schmidt: How do you forget that? You don't. [high-fives] Jar! I'm gonna jar myself on that one.
Shelby: He's like a trivia god.
Winston: Girl, get up.
Schmidt: Winston, don't worry about it, man. It's your public school education. You'll catch up.

Quote from Nick

Nick: This is the problem, Jess. It's rich people. We are right where they want us, Jess. Just suckling on the teat of consumerism.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: That's the exact reason I got rid of my phone.
Winston: You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.
Nick: How I got here doesn't matter.
Winston: You weigh more than your credit score.
Nick: I'm here now, and I'm loving it.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: I'm the guy with no phone. I mean, right now, I'm writing a letter to my friend, Kev, seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday. "What up, Kev? You in? Nick Miller."

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] Okay, I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power."
Nick: Bad finish.
Schmidt: What is that? Are you driving a lawn mower?
Jess: No, I just... It's my car.

Quote from Nick

Will: Hey, uh, sorry, I was just checking your credit score, and I got this number that's crazily low, so I'll try again.
Nick: Don't bother. I'm sure it's right.
Will: Seriously?
Jess: Are you kidding me? 250?! You get 150 just for being alive.
Will: Hey, Mojan! Got a 250 credit score!
Nick: Well, I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Whoa. Makes me want to sit by the fire, and talk about how annoying Gandhi is.
Nick: Whoa, something's happening to me, Jess. I want to sit at that desk and veto a law.
Jess: What are you doing, Nick?
Nick: That's someone else's stuff.
Nick: Jess, when I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.
Jess: Nick, this man stands for everything you hate.
Nick: [picks up phone] I'm President Miller! You're all fired! Bring our boys home.
Jess: Okay, this is how evil geniuses are born.
Nick: You smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness. I want to wear this cap.
Jess: You're not helping me! Nick, I know this room is beautiful, gentlemanly, and... smells like Christmas, but you have to stay strong. I'm gonna go find Russell. Keep... playing with that duck.
Nick: [to the duck] I want to kill you. Because I respect you. I think I understand hunting!

Quote from Nick

Jess: Do you have, like, a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?
Will: Claire, Brendan, this guy's got a 250 credit score.
Nick: We're bringing everybody out?
Mojan: Look at this.
Claire: Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing this a long time. I've just never seen a score this low. Did you just wake up from a coma?

Quote from Jess

Russell: Is this a bad time?
Jess: Nope, no, no, no, I was just cleaning up from the sexual health class. I had to take condoms off 30 cucumbers, and condoms are harder to take off than I thought. I know how to put them on, but I didn't know how to take them off. I guess someone else has always done it for me.
Russell: Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got off a flight from London. Maybe I'm a little out of it.
Jess: [British accent] Oh, London. Did you have a busy sch... Se-dule?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I have to grovel. I hate groveling. I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King. I think about that all the time.
Nick: You do?
Schmidt: Do you know how much I grovel on a daily basis? It is literally obscene. Come the weekend, I'm the one who's filling up my cart with Fila, Nautica, Impulse Fila, Hilfiger, CK, BR Leather cuff, and more Fila.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Buying a phone's a big deal. I mean, think of how long you'll have this thing. It's like buying a car or a bra. Eight years, man. Ow.

Quote from Jess

Russell: Excuse me?
Jess: Oh, hi.
Russell: Yeah, hi, hi, I'm Russell Schiller, Sarah's dad.
Jess: Oh, yes.
Russell: We spoke on the phone.
Jess: I'm Jessica Day.
Russell: Did you just curtsy?
Jess: I did, yes. I did.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, you want me to take a dive next time?
Winston: Take a dive?
Schmidt: You know, like pretend like you know more than me when Shelby's around, so it seems like you're smarter. I know you'd do the same thing for me if I were the dumber one.
Winston: Wow, okay, so let me get this straight: You think because you know a few facts about Princess Kate, that makes you smarter than me?
Schmidt: First of all, Kate is a duchess and whip-smart by all accounts. And second of all, don't be so prideful. Look, man, there's nothing wrong with being the second smartest in the loft. You know what, let me take that back. Jess is a teacher of children.

Quote from Nick

Winston: I'm sorry; I just feel like someone should suggest a simple apology. I know that's not where we're headed here, but I'm just gonna go on record and say, I think you should apologize like a human.
Jess: No! No! I'm going with Nick 'cause I don't think I have to apologize.
Nick: Yeah, Jess, so march into his office, and say, "Hey, Mr. Fancyman, you can't tell me what to do. Your money doesn't own me." And then throw away your phone.
Jess: Yeah, I'm gonna throw my phone into the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people.
Nick: Actually, scratch that. My mom's got your number in case of emergency.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [on the phone with Jess] What kind of car is it?
Nick: We are the 99%.
Schmidt: Is it an SL?
Nick: We the 99%.
Schmidt: Does it have a push ignition? Does it have a push ignition? Please tell me it's not a hybrid.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Just a thought. What if he likes you?
Jess: No, I hate him.
Cece: This guy is single and he's sweet.
Jess: Sweet? No. He's not sweet. I would never go for that guy.
Cece: Why?
Jess: Because he's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me. I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.
Cece: Spencer didn't even own sheets.
Jess: Yeah. He slept on a pile of washcloths.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Can I say something to you now that you're not gonna like?
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: Maybe Russell intimidates you. Because you wouldn't have to take care of him, because he would take care of you, and that just terrifies you.
Jess: Uh, no.
Cece: Spencer... wore... jellies.

Quote from Winston

Elvin: How many pounds in a metric ton?
Winston: 2,204.6. Next.
Elvin: In 1948, Albert became the first American...
Winston: American monkey in space. Let's go.
Elvin: This ancient...
Winston: Mesopotamia. Hit me.
Elvin: You don't actually know what a Mesopotamia is.
Winston: Of course I know what Mesopotamia is. Don't be crazy.
Elvin: Use it in a sentence.
Winston: Look, there's Mesopotamia.

Quote from Nick

Russell: Are you wearing my sweater?
Nick: No. Yes. It was on the back of the chair. So I thought the sweater belonged to the chair. I thought it was a chair sweater. Those exist. I'm Nick.
Russell: Oh, you know Jess.
Nick: Yes. I'm Jess' roommate. I'm the guy with no phone, if she's told you. That's my thing. No phones.
Russell: Why don't you have a phone?
Nick: Because I don't want to be tied to some corporate system. That, and no one would give me one. I have incredibly low credit ratings.

Quote from Nick

Russell: When I was your age, I had a really skinny ponytail, and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.
Nick: That's funny. Then what happened? One day you just woke up and you had all this?
Russell: Well, I realized I wanted to grow up. That's what happened. [takes a boxed iPhone from a drawer] Um... I got this as a gift from the company for Christmas, so...
Nick: Oh, wow, that's great. My boss gave me three credit cards he found at the bar, and said, "You didn't get these from me." It's a bartender joke. I'm a bartender. We... We don't steal credit cards. Cool, cool.
Russell: Here. Take it.
Nick: No, no, I can't take your phone, man. I can't... it's just... it feels really good in my hand. Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?
Russell: Yes, it is. It really is. You can keep the sweater.
Nick: Thanks, I... I don't know why I put it on, to be honest with you. I just came in here, and it smelled like Shakespeare, if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy. And hawk's nests, and boat fuel, and cigars and burping... man stuff!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, why are we leaving? And why are you all wet? Okay, did you take a bath in his tub because you wanted to see what it'd feel like to be him? 'Cause, weirdly, I get that.
Jess: No. I want to leave because we don't fit in here, Nick.
Nick: I know that I've been saying you can't give into this guy, but I don't think that you should run from him, either. 'Cause no matter where you go, he could find you. I believe that.
Jess: No, running's good. I'm gonna run.
Nick: Hey, Jess, stop. Look, this may complicate things, but I'm in love with him.
Jess: Shut up!
Nick: No, I won't shut up. He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.
Jess: You're ridiculous, Nick. Let's go.
Nick: I am ridiculous, okay, but no. Be a grown-up. He likes you, Jess. Go back in there. I think it'd be good for you. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. Just do it. Don't be intimidated just because you're just younger, poorer and wetter than everybody in there.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Goldfinger! I mean, no, no. I meant to say Golden-Golden Hind! Golden Hind is what I meant to say.
Host: No.
Schmidt: Winston, you are all over the place. The Green Bay Packers did not invent the T formation, nor was Crispin Glover the first man to die in the Revolutionary War.
Winston: Shh.
Shelby: This is supposed to be fun.
Winston: Look, Babe, it is fun. I just don't want to look stupid in front of everybody. All right?
Shelby: You're not stupid.
Winston: Well, I mean, he did skip Earth when listing the planets.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing. Am I talking too much? I don't want to ruin the moment. You know what? If this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio, and she'd be yelling down at you, and she'd be saying, "You look beautiful. The two of you are a beautiful couple. I'm glad you found one another." But she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist. You want me to put on some Jodeci?

Quote from Nick

Nick: I didn't ask you! I'm talking to you! You want to come in here and charge me a billion dollars? [laughs] That's nothing to me! Want it? Want it? [cut] You're off the streets. I don't want to, either. You're the best cop I got! [cut] This is President Miller of Earth, I'd like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. Yeah, it's about money. [cut] I'm gonna push a piece of paper across the desk that I've written a little number on. Why don't I just tell you? It's five kabillion dollars. [cut] So, what do you say? Is China mine, Mr. Ying?


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