Jess: Um, how good are the Beatles?
Russell: Beatles are the best.
Jess: Were you so upset when they broke up?
Russell: I would have been, but I was one.
Jess: [chuckles] Well, you're not one any more. How's your prostate?
Russell: Uh...
Jess: I had my breast exam last week, and, like, they're fine. It's just boob in there, but we have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying.

Winston: Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport?
Schmidt: Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
Winston: Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh, "man-bulance"?
Schmidt: The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday.
Winston: That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys. It has the towing capacity of a thousand Shelbys. You know what? Here you go, Winston. [hands him the keys] There you go. Enjoy luxury.
Winston: All good, man. I got your second set, so thank you.
Schmidt: How'd you get my second set of keys?

Jess: Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief.
Jess: No, what do you call top, no pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington.
Winston: Honey the Smacks Frog.
Schmidt: There's a Donald the Duck. I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi 'cause that's naked with a tie.
Winston: Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
Jess: I saw his entire butt.

Winston: [on the phone] Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? I don't want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.

Schmidt: So listen, man, it's-it's really important to us that our completely equal sexual relationship where neither one of us has the upper hand, uh, remain a secret, and while I respect the fact that you listen to Wicked while you're alone, I could use that information against you at any point in time. By the way, there's a stop sign, like, right up...
Winston: Is that a stop sign?
Schmidt: Well, you'd probably want to slow down...
Cece: Oh, my God.
Winston: Maybe it's a go sign.
Schmidt: I don't think it's a go sign.
Winston: Because if somebody like you is sleeping with someone like her, then maybe the whole damn world is upside down! It's just what I'm thinking.

Cece: Hey. Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower. Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid ten minutes. Eat this granola bar first. I want to try something called the horse trough.
Schmidt: No, Cece. [tosses granola bar] I'm not having sex with you right now. I have to get everybody in the company's name into a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Cece: Totally fine. What do you need, like, 20 minutes?
Schmidt: Cece, this... Okay, this is real work for my real boss who is not you.
Cece: Oh, I get what's happening here. It's 'cause Ponytail called you a "sex receptionist."
Schmidt: A sex receptionist answers calls all day. A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office. So, first of all, thank you for the demotion. And second of all, I quit.

Cece: Hey, someone left your door open.
Dirk: Someone left your face beautiful.
Cece: Who is that?
Jess: Apparently, his name is Dirk.
Cece: Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.
Dirk: But should that stop you from seeing this?
Cece: Yeah!
Dirk: That's awesome. Does he keep you happy?
Cece: He does what he's told.
Dirk: So you're the boss and he's your little secretary? Oh, you're a sex-cretary?
Cece: I am definitely the boss.
Nick: Sex-cretary, he just made that up.

Cece: So, I'll see you tonight.
Schmidt: Did you not hear anything I just said?
Cece: Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear, but do you know who didn't happen to hear you? [undoes top]
Schmidt: What are you doing? Don't-don't-don't involve them. Oh, my...
Cece: They just didn't hear.
Schmidt: Don't bring them into this.
Cece: Don't tell me. Tell them.
Schmidt: Hi. Hi guys. Uh, Harold, Kumar, I love... I love you both. All the zany adventures we've had. But we can't go to White Castle today. Just can't do it.
Cece: You're serious about this?

Cece: Was it like a caress or like a... like a pat?
Jess: No, like a pat. It was distinctly a pat, and it was actually kind of hot. The man knows how to pat a back.
Cece: At any point during the night, did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?
Jess: Maybe. [as Kermit] Once or twice.
Cece: No, stop, it freaks me out and you know.

Nick: Where's your Fancyman? Where is he?
Jess: I don't know. It was horrible. He left and gave me $100 for a cab! You know what? I'm gonna use the remaining 90 to get out of here and start a new life. It's been nice knowing you.