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‘Fancyman, Part 2’ Quotes

New Girl: Fancyman, Part 2

118. Fancyman, Part 2

Aired March 27, 2012

Jess goes on a date with Russell (guest star Dermot Mulroney). Schmidt doesn't like the way Cece views their relationship. Winston regrets telling Shelby they could both use some space. Meanwhile, Nick's professor friends takes him to a college party.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um, how good are the Beatles?
Russell: Beatles are the best.
Jess: Were you so upset when they broke up?
Russell: I would have been, but I was one.
Jess: [chuckles] Well, you're not one any more. How's your prostate?
Russell: Uh...
Jess: I had my breast exam last week, and, like, they're fine. It's just boob in there, but we have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone] Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? I don't want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief.
Jess: No, what do you call top, no pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington.
Winston: Honey the Smacks Frog.
Schmidt: There's a Donald the Duck. I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi 'cause that's naked with a tie.
Winston: Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
Jess: I saw his entire butt.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport?
Schmidt: Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
Winston: Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh, "man-bulance"?
Schmidt: The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday.
Winston: That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys. It has the towing capacity of a thousand Shelbys. You know what? Here you go, Winston. [hands him the keys] There you go. Enjoy luxury.
Winston: All good, man. I got your second set, so thank you.
Schmidt: How'd you get my second set of keys?

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: So listen, man, it's-it's really important to us that our completely equal sexual relationship where neither one of us has the upper hand, uh, remain a secret, and while I respect the fact that you listen to Wicked while you're alone, I could use that information against you at any point in time. By the way, there's a stop sign, like, right up...
Winston: Is that a stop sign?
Schmidt: Well, you'd probably want to slow down...
Cece: Oh, my God.
Winston: Maybe it's a go sign.
Schmidt: I don't think it's a go sign.
Winston: Because if somebody like you is sleeping with someone like her, then maybe the whole damn world is upside down! It's just what I'm thinking.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Hey, someone left your door open.
Dirk: Someone left your face beautiful.
Cece: Who is that?
Jess: Apparently, his name is Dirk.
Cece: Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody.
Dirk: But should that stop you from seeing this?
Cece: Yeah!
Dirk: That's awesome. Does he keep you happy? He does what he's told.
Cece: So you're the boss and he's your little secretary?
Dirk: Oh, you're a sex-cretary?
Cece: I am definitely the boss.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Hey. Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower. Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid ten minutes. Eat this granola bar first. I want to try something called the horse trough.
Schmidt: No, Cece. [tosses granola bar] I'm not having sex with you right now. I have to get everybody in the company's name into a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire."
Cece: Totally fine. What do you need, like, 20 minutes?
Schmidt: Cece, this... Okay, this is real work for my real boss who is not you.
Cece: Oh, I get what's happening here. It's 'cause Ponytail called you a "sex receptionist."
Schmidt: A sex receptionist answers calls all day. A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office. So, first of all, thank you for the demotion. And second of all, I quit.

Quote from Cece

Cece: So, I'll see you tonight.
Schmidt: Did you not hear anything I just said?
Cece: Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear, but do you know who didn't happen to hear you? [undoes top]
Schmidt: What are you doing? Don't-don't-don't involve them. Oh, my...
Cece: They just didn't hear.
Schmidt: Don't bring them into this.
Cece: Don't tell me. Tell them.
Schmidt: Hi. Hi guys. Uh, Harold, Kumar, I love... I love you both. All the zany adventures we've had. But we can't go to White Castle today. Just can't do it.
Cece: You're serious about this?

Quote from Jess

Cece: Was it like a caress or like a... like a pat?
Jess: No, like a pat. It was distinctly a pat, and it was actually kind of hot. The man knows how to pat a back.
Cece: At any point during the night, did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?
Jess: Maybe. [as Kermit] Once or twice.
Cece: No, stop, it freaks me out and you know.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Where's your Fancyman? Where is he?
Jess: I don't know. It was horrible. He left and gave me $100 for a cab! You know what? I'm gonna use the remaining 90 to get out of here and start a new life. It's been nice knowing you.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: It's been two hours. This is officially crazy. Also, I have to go to the bathroom.
Cece: Just pee yourself.
Schmidt: So you'd rather sit in my urine for the rest of the car ride than admit to Winston that we're sleeping together?
Cece: Yep, absolutely. Don't even have to think about it. I don't want to ruin what we have, okay? Because if people find out, they're gonna have a lot of questions, like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?" And, "Seriously, why?"
Schmidt: You think we have something to ruin?
Cece: Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary. And I was wearing shoulder pads. So I obviously must like sleeping with you.
Schmidt: A secre-tarty.
Cece: Shut... up.

Quote from Winston

Border Guard: Are you traveling with any non-US citizens?
Winston: [laughs] You actually catch people with that line? No, sir, just me and my American heart... full of love.
Border Guard: Then how do you explain... this?
[The border guard opens the trunk to reveal Schmidt and Cece]
Winston: I can't... sir. No one in the entire world can explain that.


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